Divine Mortals (32 page)

“Allison’s right it’s not safe for you. You can’t be with me, I won’t put you in danger like this.”

“No.” it was all I could think of to say, I realized with surprise that I was furious.

“No!” I repeated, “You’ll just end this because someone said we must!” I pushed past him, angrily striding across the room, Robert watched after me, his expression terrified me more than Allison’s threats, more than riding that damn horse, I knew that I couldn’t lose him now, not now we had become so close, not now that I was in love with him.

“We have to.” His voice was barely a whisper and when I swung to look at him I could see his mind was made up.

“But last night, what you said,”

“I was stupid Ava, I didn’t realize that they would come for
you
, I… I thought that if they were going to come for anyone it would be me, I can deal with them hunting me… but not you.”

“But I love you, does that not matter, can we not just pretend we are two normal people and…”

“But we’re not dammit Ava, I’m not! I never will be and I will do anything in my power to protect you even if that means breaking my own heart to keep you safe.”

“But I love you,” I mumbled again pathetically, it came out in a sob.

“I know,” his voice dropped back to a whisper, “I love you too, more than you know, that’s why I won’t put you in danger, if something happened to you…” his voice caught and he cleared his throat quickly,

“If you were hurt because of me, because of what
I
am I couldn’t live with myself.”

I heard it then, a small cracking sound from within that I couldn’t bear, a sound like an icicle being snapped from it perilous hold, my heart broke and my world slowly began to implode.

He saw this, read it in my face, my stupid face that gave everything away, and I saw the sadness echoed from his own eyes.

He moved incredibly slowly back towards me, his feet almost dragging, he raised his hand slowly, his impossibly warm fingers trailed down my cheek. His face tipped slowly towards me, his mouth brushed the side of my jaw before finally pausing, for just a moment, on my lips.

And then he was gone, and I was alone, left only with the lingering warmth of his touch.

When I opened my eyes my room was bathed in a warm light that seemed to defy my mood.

I clenched them shut again, my head was throbbing, my eyes still stung from crying, all I wanted was to shut the curtains and dissolve into the darkness.

My heart ached, a dull throbbing pain with every beat. The hollowness was back again, I was completely empty.

I honestly thought everything had finally begun to work. I was content. Everything I wanted, well everything that was possible in my current situation had felt right.

But that was the thing about life. There is no smooth sailing, it is one wave after the other, some higher than others, some wash over you completely but always there is turbulence, outcomes and happenings beyond your control. Once more I felt as though I was a spectator in my own life, unable even to control my own destiny.

The realisation was haunting.

I had played Roberts words over and over in my mind, hearing them a hundred times, again and again torturing myself, trying to figure out what I could have said, what I could have done that would have changed the outcome.

But there was nothing, he had made up his mind, I had seen it in the set of his eyes, in the way he held himself, from the moment he had come he had known what he was going to do.

He said he was doing this to protect me, to keep me safe. What he didn’t understand was that without him I didn’t care what happened. I would much rather be with him at a risk then without him and safe.

He had altered my life in a way that I couldn’t describe and there was no possible way that I could go on existing as I had before. Not when I knew he was in the world, not when I couldn’t see him or touch him.

I could not explain what it was between us, him and I, I was his as much as he was mine and both of us had been at a loss to understand that impossible draw we had to each other, the realisation of one’s self in another from the first time you meet.

What he and I had was different.

And now it was gone.

I didn’t understand how he could do this, how he could finish it. I felt the gaping wound in my heart tear a little further and I buried my head in my pillow and resolved to spend the day in darkness and try to contemplate a life without Robert in it.

The next six days passed in quiet pain, I declined numerous invitations from Laura and Sally, I hardly strayed from my room, spending my days in a numb haze of sleep and daydreams.

When I did sleep I dreamed of him, haunting visions of him and of us that would wake me, shaking in a cold sweat, more exhausted then when I had closed my eyes.

I could see the worry etched on both of my grandparents faces, they made small questioning enquiries into my health and my happiness. I forced a smile each time and told them I was fine, that I was only feeling tired and a little run down. It hurt me to see my pain reflected in their faces but I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I was broken and physically sick with it, unable to eat or think. Capable only of sleep.

I tried his mobile twice, he didn’t answer, I guess I had expected that. The few times I had ventured out he was not around, careful to keep his distance.

The pain of knowing that Robert was still here, somewhere nearby and was avoiding me was excruciating. I spent my days swinging in the hammock staring out toward the hills beyond. Never seeing him, not once. He had the advantage of knowing where I was and making sure that he wasn’t there too.

Nan and Pop grew more concerned and continued to question me tentatively about it, gently probing, trying to figure out what had me so down. I didn’t realize how worried they were until I overheard them one afternoon, two weeks after I had last seen him. They hadn’t heard me as I approached the kitchen, hearing my name I stopped.

“Ava’s just mourning I think,” Pop said,

“I don’t know, she had been doing so well and now, well, she’s very down, I thought she was coming right…” Nans voice trailed off,

“Perhaps we should just give her some space, it’s what she seems to want.”

“I don’t know, Fred, I’m really worried, maybe we should get her to talk to someone.”

“You know how I feel about those sort of people Norma, that’s not necessary, she’s young, what all of us have been through is tough and we are all dealing with it in our own ways she’ll be okay.”

I felt nauseous at the thought of them arranging a shrink, there was no way in hell I would visit one, if I told a shrink the truth I would be committed, they would consider me insane if I told them what Robert really was. Nan and Pop thought this was about Mom and Dad, and while that pain still ached every day and probably always would, they were wrong.

The kitchen was silent again for a while and I was about to make myself known when Pop spoke again, his voice soft.

“Robert gave me his resignation today.”

“Oh no,” Nan groaned, “Why? Did he say why?”

“Only that it was time for him to move on,” the disappointment in Pops voice was hard to miss.

“Do you think…” Nan trailed off,

“I’m not sure but I really wouldn’t be surprised.”

I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach, I was devastated and yet that didn’t even start to cover it, I felt as if I was going to throw up.

“How long did he give?” Nans voice sounded again.

“A month.”

I clutched my hand to my mouth, and ran down the hallway, the sound of my footsteps halting their conversation. I was going to be sick.

“So…” Wills smile was brilliant, I tried to return it but couldn’t, what was wrong with me, it had been over two weeks and still I couldn’t pull myself out of the black misery that was determined to sink me.

“So?” I echoed waiting for him to continue, he seemed rather pleased about something.

“How are things with you?” his smile never faltered, his emerald eyes gleaming. Sally rose her eyebrows at me in suggestion, great, just what I wanted, an over keen admirer and the bonus of Sal pushing me into a date with him later, I would have preferred to slit my wrists then face this at the moment.

“Nothing new Will, You?”

“Same old. Haven’t seen you in a while, what you been up to?”

Well I’ve been dying of a broken heart,
I thought miserably, his head tilted slightly to the left as he waited for me to answer, I saw his lips pull back in a small smirk, I didn’t even try to think why this might be. Wills sense of humour was hard to figure out at the best of times, today I wouldn’t even bother trying.

“Not much,” I answered finally, “Just hanging around the farm.”

My complete disinterest in our conversation didn’t seem to undermine his enthusiasm, actually for some reason it seemed to fuel it. He was so full of good humour it hurt to watch.

Sally, a little more sensitive to my current depressed state, dove in asking Will to pass her the ketchup, then started up a new conversation, something I didn’t even bother to try and follow, I went back into recluse focusing on shovelling one fry in after the other. Maybe I would become one of those fat miserable people you see on Jerry Springer.

I sighed, this had been a bad idea, when Sally had rung and asked to catch up for lunch I thought it might help. But it seemed nothing would, even operating on ‘auto pilot’ was becoming a little hard and I had spent the last few days contemplating a move back to Chicago. My grandparents would be against it, so would Joel, but I didn’t feel I could stay on the ranch anymore, not without him there, I was almost eighteen anyway, soon they wouldn’t be able to stop me.

Wills laughter broke through my thoughts and I looked up to find him regarding me in the strangest way, Sally and James wore the exact same expressions although theirs were directed towards him.

“What’s so funny” James asked, staring at his friend in a confused way.

“Oh nothing, well something,” Will looked back towards his friends, his gaze finally off me.

“Just an inside joke, you know, it happened earlier, you kinda had to be there, sorry, carry on.”

Sally caught my eye, giving me a one shouldered shrug, I shrugged back, who knew what Will was on about today, although his over whelming good mood was becoming a little hard to bare.

I pushed my fries away,

“I’m gonna take off you guys,” I swung my sweater over my shoulders, this morning had been the first day the chill hadn’t disappeared with the arrival of the sun, Autumn was coming.

“Oh, ah, Okay…” Sally looked a little confused, “Are you sure?” her eyes flickered to my almost untouched plate.

“Yeah, I’ll see you another time.”

All three were now giving me a strange look, I hated it.

“Are you okay Ava?” Sallys voice was soft.

“Yeah just a headache,” I forced a smile and left without any further discussion, feeling all three sets of eyes on me as I walked away.

Yes, I thought as I made my way towards the old red hatch, it was definitely time for me to head back to Chicago, the memories there were all good, even if my parents were no longer there, the memories here were now too painful.

It was time to go.

N
an zipped the last bag closed and handed it to Pop to load into the Pickup.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come too Hun?” She asked for what had to be the hundredth time this morning.

“I can’t go cramping your style Nan,” I smiled as best I could, “No, you two go, you’ll enjoy yourselves.”

Nan gave Pop a knowing look, one that seemed to be able to construe an entire conversation in just the flash of an eye, a trick of the long time married, her mouth set in a thin line.

“Well if you need us the numbers are on the fridge.”

“I know, I know, please go, have a good time.”

“Take care love,” Pop leant forward to give me a hug before climbing into the driver’s seat.

“I love you,” Nan said softly as she planted a warm wet kiss on my cheek.

“You too.” I echoed.

And then they were gone.

I stood in the yard watching in the direction that they had disappeared, the dust settling back on the track slowly in a light gold mist. I had decided I would tell them when they returned that I was going to leave, I didn’t want to upset them before their trip and besides I still had a few weeks before school went back, by the time the new semester started I would be set up back at home in Chicago where I belonged.

I walked slowly back into the dim farm house, it was almost dinner time but I wasn’t hungry, I wandered into the darkening lounge to lie down on the sofa and fell promptly into a dreamless black sleep.

Somewhere the phone was ringing, I hoped someone would answer it soon, it was becoming annoying. I flicked my eyes open, remembering as the grogginess of sleep receded that I was the only one here to get it. The house was pitch black all around me, I stumbled blindly towards the sound of ringing hitting my toe on something with a thwack.

“Ouch, damn,” I cried out, limping awkwardly into the kitchen and grabbing the phone from its base.

“Hello?”

“Ava?”

“Yeah,”

“Are you okay, took you a while to answer,”

It was Jed, he sounded a little strung out.

“Oh yeah sorry, I fell asleep,” I mumbled, rubbing my foot.

“Honey I need your help with something, if you can, one of the horses is foaling and it’s not going so well, I’m about as darn useful as teats on a bull in this god forsaken wheel chair and Shawn’s gone into town tonight, it’s his day off tomorrow so he’ll be no use to us by now even if we could get him out the bar.”

“Ahhh…”

“Roberts had a look at her, he’s going to try and find the vet, he aint answering his phone, knowing him he’ll be in the exact same place as Shawn is and they’ll be about as much use as each other.”

I hesitated, “So what do you want
me
to do?”

“Well Roberts just left to look for the vet.”

I breathed easier at this, okay so I wouldn’t have to see him just yet, I didn’t know if I could.