Do You Want to Know a Secret? (4 page)

‘Come on, then, Vicky, now that my heart-rate is back into double figures, please, for the love of God, can we have an adult conversation?’

‘I’ve ordered champagne. And if Barbara is very much later, then too bad, we’re drinking it without her.’

Barbara, by the way, is
always
late. In fact there are times when I’d nearly swear she’s staged it just so she can swan in and make an entrance. Her being an actress might go some of the way towards explaining it, but unfortunately for her, I work in PR and know all the tricks. As it turns out, though, Barbara and the champagne arrive simultaneously.

‘Hello, darlings,’ she puffs, out of breath and air-kissing us both theatrically. ‘Sorry I’m late. Audition ran over.’

‘What was it for again?’ I ask her as we hug. She’d told me and all I could remember was that it was for something so bizarre you couldn’t possibly make it up if you tried.

‘A
tableau vivant
for a detergent commercial.’

‘Sounds pornographic,’ says Laura drily. ‘Is that what you wore?’

‘Yeah, what’s wrong with it?’

‘OK, if I may just take a moment to mock here, do tell, Barbara, the history of that particular dress. Did it start out as furniture fabric? You know how I hate to criticize, but honestly, I wouldn’t let you wear that on a desert island. Dearest, you’re dressed like a homeless person.’

She isn’t really. Barbara just looks the way she always does, like she fell out of bed and pulled on the first clean thing she picked up off the floor. Sexy, in a rumpled, crumpled, couldn’t-be-arsed way that men just seem to lose their reason over. No make-up, and streaky fake tan like she put it on half of her body then got bored, gave up and found something more interesting to do. Unlike our Laura, who for some reason always manages to look neat. Scrubbed. Impeccable. All the Lennox-Coyninghams are the same: no matter how stressed their private lives are, like politicians, they’re always ‘on’. Always well-turned-out, always up for re-election.

‘Ooh, look,’ says Barbara in her ‘acting the eejit’ voice, as she and Laura pick up their menus together. ‘Today’s soup is crème de narky cow.’

‘Ooh, look,’ says Laura, well able for her. ‘The only dish on my menu is dog’s dinner.’

OK, so it may not actually sound like it, but trust me, this pair do love each other dearly. This is just the way they spark off each other, with the kind of intimacy you really only get with old, old friends. You know, the ones who never fail to remind you that you had a fringe in the eighties or that you used to work out to Milli Vanilli. And at this stage in our friendship, honestly, the three of us know each other more intimately than jailbirds sharing a cell. Besides, I think the main reason Laura gives her such a hard time about the way she looks is that, on the rare occasions when Barbara does pull out the stops, she can look traffic-stoppingly stunning. This is just Laura’s way of exercising her mammy-gene. She’ll be whipping tissues out of her bag, licking them and then wiping dirty smudges off Barbara’s face next.

‘Pay absolutely no attention to her, Barbara,’ I say. ‘You look fab. Any hotter and you’d set off the sprinkler system. And here’s the proof . . . how many men have begged you for a date since you left your house today?’

‘The casting director, who’s a bit of a sleazeball so . . .’

‘Curse your fatal allure,’ I joke and they laugh. The champagne’s started to kick in now and it’s faaaab.

God, even the snooty wine waiter can’t take his eyes off her, I can’t help noticing. When we were all in college together, some wag nicknamed Barbara ‘The Loin Tamer’, and you can kind of see where they were coming from.

‘Cheers,’ she says, oblivious as usual to any fella eyeing her up, as she takes a big gulp and smacks her lips. ‘Aaah, lovely. I’ve noticed I only ever have bad luck whenever I’m
not
drinking. Anyway, birthday gal, I bring you a gift. Now I don’t want to over-exaggerate, but this could possibly be the most amazing pressie you’ll ever get in your whole life. Prepare to be blown away, baby.’

She roots around in her bag on the floor and starts flinging the contents up on to the table, beginning with a copy of
Celebrity Heat
magazine, with a questionnaire half-filled-in.

‘What’s this?’ says Laura, idly picking up the magazine at the page it has opened on. ‘“Am I an Adult-escent?”’

‘Oh yeah,’ says Barbara. ‘It’s a quiz I started doing while I was waiting to do the audition. New cultural sub-group they’ve just discovered, which I think might include you and me, Vick. It’s for, ahem, the thirty-somethings who still think they’re teenagers. You know, who watch
The Office
and actually get it, and know all the characters on
The Simpsons
, and still shop in Top Shop and H & M and think they’re cool.’

‘God, I wish I was a teenager again,’ I muse, swirling the champagne around the glass. ‘I’m telling you, girlies, if I could go back, if I had my time over, I’d do things differently, and that’s for sure. You know, reprioritize.’

‘Explain,’ says Laura, looking at me in that really focused, intent way that she has.

‘Well, it’s like this. Take, for instance, the two young girls I have working for me in the office. I’m not joking, their number-one priority in life is to get a nice, wealthy, eligible husband. Honestly, they’re like this whole breed of neo-Victorians, and I wouldn’t mind, but they’re barely out of college. They’re looking at my generation and thinking: “OK, so maybe you have a great career and money and a home of your own . . . but you’re alone and that doesn’t make you any role model for me.” Ten years ago I’d have laughed at them, but now . . . today, it doesn’t seem quite so funny.’

‘Oh, come on,’ Laura says, sounding a bit exasperated. ‘I could be sitting here, blissfully happy, about to celebrate yet another wedding anniversary, but I’m not. This conversation is pointless. I mean, for God’s sake, Hitler could have channelled all his energies into opening a nice chain of vegetarian restaurants, but guess what? That didn’t happen, either. There is absolutely nothing to be gained either from beating yourself up over the choices you
didn’t
make, or congratulating yourself on the ones that you
did
. Pretty much every decision you’ve ever made was half chance, same as the rest of us.’

‘Or perhaps
not
,’ says Barbara in a vaudevillian-baddie voice, producing a crumpled paper bag and spilling the contents out on to the table.

It’s a hardback book, so dusty and old that you almost feel you should be wearing latex gloves just to touch it, like they do in those TV documentaries about museums, where they’re handling bits of papyrus from Tutankhamen’s tomb and the like. But that’s not what’s making me look at Barbara, gobsmacked. It’s the book’s title, almost faded but still legible.

Oh my God, I do not believe this.

The Law of Attraction
.

‘Barbara, you angel,’ I say, a bit stunned. ‘This is it; this is exactly what that amazing American woman was talking about only yesterday . . . where in God’s name did you come across this?’

‘Second-hand bookshop right beside where the audition was. I wanted to buy you something quirky slash unusual slash cheap for your birthday, and we all know how much you love self-help books, or anything with a title that promises you can change your life in seven days, and then I stumbled across this. So happy birthday, babe. Good, isn’t it?’

‘I can’t believe it,’ is all I can say, delicately fingering the book like it’s a first-edition copy of the Bible, signed by all four apostles, who wrote it when they were on a book tour of, I dunno, Galilee or somewhere.

‘“The law of attraction,”’ says Laura, filching it from me and reading from a page at random in her best news-anchor voice, ‘“clearly states that like attracts like,
so
by the very act of summoning a thought, you are attracting like thoughts to you.” Oh I see, so now it seems I
attracted
an ex-husband with a girlfriend who makes him look like human Botox, i.e. twenty years younger.’

‘No, no, this is amazing stuff,’ Barbara and I chorus.

‘I’ve actually been bursting to tell you about this ever since we got here,’ I say, gulping down another big glug of champers. ‘Right, Laura, just hear me out. Now, OK, I admit, I may not have consciously attracted ovaries with a sell-by date that, honest to God, at this stage might as well be carved in stone and written in Roman numerals, but maybe, just maybe, I’ve been so focused on what I
don’t
want, that that’s what the law of attraction is delivering, each and every time. If you’re with me.’

‘Just like me with work,’ explains Barbara. ‘I’ve spent years resigning myself to the fact that I’ll never get offered anything other than Fakespeare and third-prostitute-from-the-left-type roles in crappy old cop operas; ergo, that’s all I
do
get. It’s almost like I’m attracting by default.’

‘I’m sorry,’ says Laura crisply, ‘but the pair of you are sounding dangerously close to butterfly net territory.’

‘Look, there’s a bit here about quantum physics,’ I say, shoving the book under her nose and hoping that this will appeal to her brainy nature.

‘“Imagine yourself like a human transmission tower,”’ Laura reads aloud in her best
Nine O’Clock News
voice, ‘“transmitting a frequency with your thoughts. If you wish to change anything in your life, first you must change the frequency of your thoughts.” OK, my biggest fear in life is that I’ll end up pole-dancing to pay for my kids’ braces. So this book is effectively telling me that I should just flick a mental switch,
think
that I’ve won the lottery and that should do the trick?
Please
. This conversation demeans all of us. If life was that easy, then why isn’t everyone doing it?’

‘It says here,’ I say defensively, reading from another yellowy page that flipped open, ‘“that for over two thousand years, five per cent of the world’s population have controlled ninety-five per cent of the world’s wealth. Now that is
not
a coincidence . . .”’

‘And at fifteen ninety-nine for a copy, I’m not a bit surprised,’ Laura says as her eagle eye spots the price tag still stuck to the back of the book.

‘Well, girlies, it’s like this,’ I say, undeterred. ‘We’ve tried just about everything else, so why not try using this to our advantage for a change? If you ask me, this law of attraction lark couldn’t be more of a doddle, really. I mean, for God’s sake, all we have to do is ask the universe very nicely for whatever we want, no matter how ridiculous it seems, believe that somehow it’ll miraculously come to us, then sit back and wait for our
dream
lives to start. Come on, who wouldn’t welcome that into their life?’

‘To hear you talk about the universe,’ says Laura drily, ‘you’d think it was a giant mail-order catalogue in the sky – only free.’

‘Which, when you think about it, is the perfect excuse to go out and buy that fab new Marni dress I’ve had my eye on for ages. Ooh, whaddya know, this law of attraction lark is fun.’

‘Just listen to you,’ says Laura, topping up our glasses. ‘You sound like Pollyanna, except with a Magic Eight ball, a job, a mortgage, a healthcare plan and a
lot
of champagne.’

‘No, I’ve just had enough stinking thinking,’ I say a bit defensively. But then, sometimes this is just the way you have to handle our Laura. ‘And I for one believe it’s time we took matters into our own hands.’

‘One of you better start making sense,’ says Laura, ‘or else I’m calling the Priory’s bunny-boiler division. I’m sorry to pour cold water on this, but it seems to me that this new fad of yours is nothing more than a few grains of common sense dressed up as the Holy Grail. The great mystery of life, reincarnated as a House of Fraser catalogue. You’ll forgive my bluntness, but I have a very finely tuned crap-ometer.’

Now Barbara rows in. ‘OK, Laura, just shut up and listen. Now I may not believe in this stuff any more than
you
do, but here’s the way I’m seeing it. Girlies, just take a look at us. Between the three of us there’s a perfect life in here somewhere. For my part, I’ve diligently pursued my dreams with acting, and the hard, cold fact is, that up until now, it hasn’t worked.’

‘But on the plus side, you have guys practically impaling themselves to date you,’ I say. ‘Look at me; I’ve been to hell and back so many times, with so many guys, I might as well have frequent flier miles.’

‘Excuse me, if we’re having a contest, then can I have a turn?’ says Laura. ‘So. I married my soulmate, then fast forward twelve years, to when he moves on and starts actively looking for his.’

‘Laura, for all George’s shortcomings, at least you
had
someone,’ I insist. ‘And, OK, I know half the time you feel like ringing social services, but you do have four healthy, wonderful kids. Take a look at me. I’m how you end up when you never find a soulmate in the first place. I mean, come on, is there anything more pathetic than a childless spinster who wishes that she wasn’t?’

‘A notion entirely peddled to you by Hollywood,’ says Laura crisply. ‘Every few years a movie will emerge targeted at women like you, which is calculated to scare you into marriage and motherhood. And to denigrate your self-esteem for being single. Fact.’

‘Come on, Vicky, you do have a very successful career,’ says Barbara. ‘Your company’s doing brilliantly,
you’ve
a home of your own, you’ve plenty of money, and you can afford to eat in fancy places like this. Look at my life. You know there’s a high probability I’ll end up a bag lady if I don’t get work soon.’

Now it’s like the floodgates have opened and there’s a ‘whose life is worst’ contest raging between the three of us.

‘George Hasting’s last book,’ says Laura, slowly and precisely, holding on to the edge of the table, like she’s just warming up for a good old ding-dong, ‘sold precisely ninety-one copies, thereby putting me into the acutely embarrassing position of having to beg my mother on bended knee for a hand-out.’

OK, so maybe she wins this round.

‘What was the book called again?’ Barbara asks.