Docked (22 page)

He smashes into me, thrusting up and pushing full tilt with each charge. My fingers dig into his shoulders and I watch through my dizzy haze as a wave of sweat breaks out across his forehead. He’s driving into me so hard, so fast, he just might break us both. I welcome the speed, encourage the rhythm, knowing he needs the aggression right now. Whatever was going on in this office when I showed up, he’s working it out now, in body, soul, and mind. Each stretch of his abdomen, each jolt of his groin is an expression, his body telling my body something. A story I’ve yet to uncover, a passion I’ve only known in one dimension.

A work of art.

I drop my chin and nip at his shoulder, resting my cheek against him, reveling in his power. His hand glides up and cradles the back of my head, tugging at the roots of my skull as he smacks his skin against mine, chest tensing with every sharp shot.

“Did he touch you?” he grunts against my neck.

“What?” My voice shakes and my chin bumps his shoulder.

“Did you let him touch you last night?”

“No, I told you I wouldn’t.”

“You kept your word.”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now come for me. Loudly. I want the whole fucking ship to hear.” He strikes me hard and I cry out, feeling the release build, the buzzing between my thighs flare and burn. We crash against one another, cracking each other open from the inside out, and I scream, my head falling back against the glass. Tanner pumps relentlessly, even as I float down, even as my shouts fade. He finally breaks, finally rolls to a stop, breathing hard into my hair. My entire body collapses and melts against the porthole, and he slumps forward, pinning me to it.

“I never wanted to own this ship,” he pants. “I never wanted this.”

I struggle to catch my breath. I can’t process what he’s saying. I’m too stunned. “You…you what?”

“I hated my father. He was a lying, cheating bastard, and he cared for no one but himself. It wasn’t until he blew all his money that he realized he’d been a shit husband and a shit father. That’s when he tried to make amends. He started donating things, tried pleasing my mother. But there was no pleasing her. Not after all he’d done to her.”

Our hearts beat against one another as I watch him, my skin sticking to his. “Then why do you own it?”

“When he died, I wanted to make it up to my mother somehow. Wanted to make her happy.”

“And you thought taking over your father’s ship would do that?”

“It was because of my mother and her money that my father ever succeeded. She was the one who gave him his start years ago, when they first fell in love. She’s the reason his business ever left the ground. She gave him everything. I know she’s an unhappy woman. She’s not easily tolerable. But I understand where it all comes from. I understand why she is the way she is.”

“It doesn’t excuse her behavior toward you,” I say quietly.
Or toward your guests
.

“Of course not. But the truth remains: my father betrayed her. I owe it to her to turn this ship around, to turn this business around, to restore it somehow. She goes on and on about his legacy, how it’s our responsibility to protect it, but it’s really what he did to her legacy that upsets her. She wants to salvage it, but she’s become just as obsessed with it as my father was. She’s asking me to do things…
telling
me to do things that I just can’t do.”

“What is she asking you to do?”

He pulls back, letting me slide down from the glass, peering down at the floor to help me plant my feet on the carpet. “Never mind. It’s nothing.”

“It’s obviously something.”

“It doesn’t matter. I still chose this. This is on me.”

“Is that what this is all about?” I gesture to the broken picture frames and awards around us. “Where did this all come from? The bedside tables at your beach house?”

Tanner zips up and his gaze jumps to mine. “What about the bedside tables?”

“The pictures—all the pictures. I found them in the drawers when I was searching for sunscreen.”

“Why were you rummaging through those drawers?”

“I just told you, I needed sunscreen. Are these the same ones?” I point to a small silver frame near our feet.

“No. These were stashed in my office closet.”

“Why do you keep them hidden? They’re such nice photographs.”

“I don’t want reminders of my father around, Miss Banks. You must have gathered by now that he’s a sore subject for me.”

“Of course, but…I thought you loved taking his place. You’re so proud of this ship. You seem to love your position here. You’re rich, you’re powerful, you
play
. I don’t understand. Your father is a big part of that.”

“My father was a phony. He deceived his family, his co-workers, those he claimed to love. He pretended to be a family man. He was no family man. He was screwing his secretary on the weekends and he blew all of our money traveling the world, on hookers and drugs. There was nothing honorable about his legacy, other than he knew how to provide excellent guest service.”

“That’s how you and your father are alike.”

“Were,” he corrects, leaning down to pick up a piece of a frame. I’m still leaning there, naked, against the porthole window in nothing but my heels, completely enraptured in what this man’s telling me. I suddenly see a glimpse of Tanner Christensen, the man, not just the businessman, and my heart races a little faster with the discovery.

“He appreciated fine service. I appreciate fine service. He loved the sea, I love the sea. That’s it, nothing more.”

I swallow, and the word vomit creeps up again. I simply can’t help myself. He walked right into this one. “Your father played.”

Tanner’s fingers tighten around the broken piece of frame, and he glares at me. “What?”

“Like you. All the women, no commitment.” I push off of the window and take a hesitant step toward him. “Is that why you hate him so much, because you’re so alike?”

He drops the frame back to the floor and snatches up my clothes, quickly handing them to me. “I just told you, Miss Banks, I am nothing like my father.”

“But you just said—”

“My father was a cheater. He lied to my mother and hurt her in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. I have never cheated on a woman. I outline my intentions—sexually and otherwise—with women right from the get-go. I don’t engage in relationships, and I make that crystal clear.”

“And I take it that’s why you don’t see marriage in your future? Why you aren’t interested in anything other than casual sex?” I begin to slip my dress on, watching as he begins pushing papers around on his desk, cursing beneath his breath. “Because you think you’ll hurt a woman the way your father hurt your mother? That you’re not capable of a commitment?”

Tanner explodes, knocking everything off his desk with one wide, strong swoop of his arm. Papers and pens go flying, landing everywhere. My fingers still on my head as I smooth down my hair, and it dawns on me that it’s time to go. He’s hit his limit, and I’ve just stumbled onto a landmine.

“What is this, a fucking psychoanalysis?”

I wince. My voice is quiet. Cautious. “You’re worlds away from the man he was, Tanner.”

His head snaps toward me and he freezes me with an icy glare. “You didn’t know my father.”

“But I’ve gotten to know you, and I can tell the man standing before me is not that man in that photograph.” My finger lifts, pointing to the frame at my feet. “You’re straightforward and honest. You might be a playboy, but you’re a genuine one. You don’t pretend to be something you’re not. And if you ever decided to settle down with a woman someday, I don’t doubt that you’d do so with respect and loyalty. You wouldn’t commit unless you absolutely wanted to and believed you were capable of it.”

“Why would you think something like that about me, Miss Banks?” He laughs darkly and his eyes roll upward, to the ceiling. “You have no idea how truly ignoble of a man I am.”

“Why would I think that?” I walk toward him and gently rest my hand on his shoulder. “Because it’s so blatantly obvious that you want to be everything he wasn’t.”

Tanner’s gaze falls. He stares down at the desktop.

“And for the record,” I pick up my clutch and start for the door, “there’s no shame in sharing similar qualities with him. Believe me, there’s always some good along with the bad. You just have to choose what you’ll let in.”

When I reach the office door, I don’t look back, just step out and close it quietly behind me. Heidi is still busy juggling phone lines, looking just as frazzled as she did when I first arrived. I send her a small, thankful little wave as I pass by, and she returns the gesture half-heartedly. I don’t envy her position, and I certainly don’t envy the mess she must be cleaning up right now, whatever it is.

My stomach churns and my heart sinks as I step into the elevator. Something has just blown wide open between Tanner and me, and I’m not sure I want to stick around much longer. I’m not sure I want to risk stepping on another landmine.

Suddenly, this cruise can’t end quickly enough.

***

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll. Start from the beginning.” Lana crunches potato chips as she sits up on her lounge chair attentively. I start from scratch, telling her about everything that happened back at Tanner’s office. Once I think I cover all the bases, she exhales loudly. “I still don’t understand why you think this means you have to give up the remainder of your fling.”

“It’s not that I have to, Lan. It’s that I want to. It just makes sense to end it now. The cruise is almost over, anyway. We had our fun, it’s time to move on. He doesn’t want me involved in his personal business.”

Lana sets down her bag of chips and rises from the lounge chair. She moves across to mine and bumps my hip, motioning for me to scoot over so she can sit. She lifts her shades to look at me. “So, he’s got some baggage. You do, too. You both saw glimpses of each other’s shit. So, what? If this whole thing is just sex, then what does any of that have to do with anything? He already went and involved you by telling you all of this. Anya?” She moves so I have to look her straight in the eyes. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t know, now I just feel…conflicted.”

“Conflicted.”

“Yes, Lan, conflicted.”

“You feel.”

“Yes.”

“Well, there ya have it, that’s your problem.”

“What is?”

“You’re invested now. You have feelings for him. It happens.”

“No.” I stand. I begin wringing my hands. “Feelings are not a part of our arrangement. They’re not allowed.”

Lana smirks. “Oh, An. Says who? You have to tell him.”

“Tell him what?”

“Tell him you’re into him. Trust me, judging by the way he looks at you, he wants more, too. And you said it yourself—the man doesn’t typically do repeats. He’s been repeating
you
all week long. Maybe you can keep seeing each other when the trip is over.”

“But I don’t want more. This whole thing was supposed to be fun, remember? No strings attached. Complete freedom to get me out of my funk. To get me on this boat and force me to face my fears. What happens on the Trident Voyager needs to
stay
on the Trident Voyager.”

“You of all people know that sometimes things don’t go as planned. A part of freedom is recognizing when to roll with the punches, to go with the flow when things change directions. Call him. Or I will.”

“Lana, I swear on all of your favorite foods in the world, if you meddle, I will—”

“Hey!” She jumps up and wags her finger in my face. “Don’t you bring food into this. That’s fighting dirty.”

“Don’t call him.”

“Fine,” she snaps, crossing her arms petulantly. “But don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“I’ll text him and ask to meet for dinner. I’ll feel him out. Will that pacify you?” I swipe my phone from my bag and stare at the screen. I have no idea what to say after everything that just unfolded back at his office. The unease in my stomach swirls. There’s no room here for emotional investment. No room for feelings. Our arrangement was completely clear.

But that was before.

Before I discovered that his hands set me on fire.

Before I discovered how considerate, protective, and attentive he can be.

Before I fell for his bossy, playful demeanor.

Before I fell.

Shit
.

“What?” Lana asks, eyes wide. “I know that look.”

“Nothing,” I mumble, grabbing my bag and starting for the deck stairwell. “I gotta run. I’ll see you back at the room later.”

“Oh, just admit it!” she shouts after me. “You want more!”

I race away from the pool and up the stairwell, ducking inside the hall to catch the first elevator. I can’t sit around and listen to Lana, or my brain will start to hurt. I’m already confused, and there’s a dull ache in the pit of my stomach that won’t seem to let up. Small pangs of irritation strike, and all I want to do is retreat to our cabin and crawl under the covers. Tanner has made it perfectly clear that he’s not interested in anything with me after these twelve days. My days of being his goddess are coming to an end, and he will no longer be mine.