Dodger for Sale (3 page)

Tyler said, “All the fur seals die?”

Flynn said, “A mall gets built right behind our school? With a food court and everything? Because that would be totally cool!”

Lizzie sighed. “What happens,” she grumbled, “is that the trees get chopped down, the land gets bulldozed flat, all the wildlife gets either killed or chased away, and we get a bunch of new stores or rows and rows of identical houses that nobody really needed in the first place. Plus a ton more traffic right around our school, floods whenever it rains, and a thousand other problems.”

“Well,” said Beeks, “what do you expect us to do about it?”

I spoke up for the first time. “I think she expects us to, um, find a way to stop this.”

Flynn said, “And how are we supposed to do
that
?”

Mrs. Starsky put her hand on Lizzie’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can think of something.”

After the meeting, Lizzie and I told Dodger about the
FOR SALE
sign. I figured he’d be upset, but he actually started out pretty calm. “Cool,” he said. “What’s a
FOR SALE
sign?”

“What do you mean, cool?” Lizzie shot back. “This isn’t cool, it’s a nightmare! A
FOR SALE
sign means somebody’s trying to sell—” She gestured angrily toward my bedroom window, which looked over our backyard and into the woods. “Listen, Dodger, do you see that?” she shouted.

“Um, you mean the window? Why would anybody want to buy Willie’s window?”

“Not the window—the view!”

“Whoa, dude, I didn’t know you could even sell a view. But if they sell Willie’s view, what are we going to see when we look out the window?”

“They’re not selling the view, Dodger. They’re selling the land. They’re selling the forest. They’re selling the Field of Dreams!”

Suddenly Dodger’s unpatched eye bulged. “Ooooohh,” he said, “I get it! Like when I helped those dudes with the bows and arrows sell Manhattan to the Dutch settlers. How dumb were those Dutch guys, anyway? We got ’em to give us, like, twenty-four bucks’ worth of shells and beads for it—and then they realized they couldn’t even carry the land away. Duh, like it was going to fit in their dinky little ships!”

Lizzie sat down on the bed and sighed. “Dodger, when people buy land, they don’t think they can move it somewhere—they just want to build on it. You know, like now Manhattan is all covered with huge, tall buildings?”

“Oh. Oooohhhh,” Dodger said. He sat down next to Lizzie. “So, did I get my buddies a good deal with the beads-and-shells thing?”

She patted him on the shoulder. “Not particularly, I’m afraid.”

“Are you sure? Those were some seriously cool beads.”

“I’m sure, Dodger. So that’s why we can’t let anybody buy our woods. Because would you rather have the Field of Dreams or a bunch of skyscrapers?”

“Um, Lizzie,” I said, “how are we supposed to stop a bunch of grown-ups from buying and selling a piece of land? Plus, how is this
my
quest if it’s your idea in the first place?”

Just then, my little sister, Amy, came barging in. Fortunately, she couldn’t see Dodger, because only Lizzie and I could—but she suspected Lizzie and I had some kind of secret, so she was constantly snooping around in our business. “Hi, Lizzie,” she said as she flung herself into my desk chair. “Hey, what piece of land? What quest? What’s going on? Are you guys having a big adventure? Huh? Huh?”

“No big adventure, Amy. Just the same old boring stuff. We’re doing some research for student council.”

“ ’Bout what? I can help. I’m a great researcher!”

Lizzie said, “We’re trying to learn how to be environmental activists.”

“We are?” I blurted.

Lizzie elbowed me in the ribs. It hurt. “Oh, Willie, you’re so funny. Isn’t he, Amy? Of course we are.”

Amy said, “Well, why don’t you just read Dad’s book?”

“Um, which book?” I asked. Dad has written a lot of books, and truthfully, most of them are about pretty boring topics.

“You’re kidding, right? I’m talking about
Save the Planet in Ten Easy Steps
. It’s only, like, the most important environmentalist book of the last fifty years.”

“How do
you
know?” I asked.

“Some guy named Kirkus Reviews said so. It’s right on the back cover of the book.”

“
Kirkus Reviews
isn’t a person, Amy—it’s a magazine. Dad once told me that only, like, five people even read it, though.”

“Well, whatever. They think Dad is a genius. I have a copy of the book in my room, if you want to see for yourself.”

“I have a copy, too, but—” I started to say.

Lizzie cut me off. “All right, Amy,” she said. “Thank you very much.”

Amy grinned at me. “See, Willie? You might think I’m annoying, but at least your girlfriend appreciates me.”

Lizzie spluttered, “I’m not his … he’s not … we’re not … we’re just friends.”

Amy winked at us, then went to get Dad’s book.

I
HATE TO SAY IT,
but Dad’s book was actually helpful. It was organized into sections, and each section was full of strategies for defending the environment. The first section was called Pick Your Battle. I think we had already done that part. The second section, Find Your Hook, looked more promising. Lizzie skimmed it and told me the first thing we had to do was come up with something unique about the woods—something that would be lost forever if they got bulldozed. Dodger jumped up from where he had been dozing on the bed and said, “Excellent! A safari! Let’s go!”

“Right now?” I said. “I haven’t even done my homework yet, and soon it’s going to be dinnertime. Plus, I promised Mom I’d take out the garbage before—”

Lizzie rolled her eyes. “This is important, Willie,” she said.

“It’s an adventure!” Amy shouted as she charged into my room again.

“You’re not going!” I yelled back.

“Oh, okay,” Amy said. “I didn’t realize this was, like, a date.” Then she giggled her way back to her own room.

The next thing I knew, Lizzie and I were walking through the woods. I asked her what we were looking for, and all she told me was that I would know it when I saw it. Meanwhile, Dodger had magically changed into a whole safari outfit, complete with one of those baggy beige vests with a million pockets, matching shorts, and a big round hat. He had a butterfly net strapped to his back and a magnifying glass in one hand. Since I had no idea what I was even looking for, I spent a minute watching Dodger in action. He was stalking from tree to tree, studying the ground intently with every step. Every few seconds, he would bend over and use the magnifying glass to look at something up close before continuing on his way. Occasionally, he scratched his chin and said, “Hmmm” or “A-ha!”

Then, all of a sudden, he reached down, picked up a little stick, and said, “Behold!”

Lizzie came running over. “What is it, Dodger?”

He looked all excited. “Look!” he exclaimed. “It’s the rare and elusive Four-Pronged Brown Twig!”

“Huh?” Lizzie and I both said at the same time.

“Check it out! Have you ever seen one of these before? I mean, sure, you can find Three-Pronged Brown Twigs all over the world. And the Five-Pronged Greenish Twig is fairly common. But a Four-Pronged Brown Twig? This has to be an endangered species or something.”

He handed me the magnifying glass, and I leaned in for a better look while Lizzie got down on her hands and knees to investigate something on the forest floor. For a moment, I started feeling excited, too. It did look like a pretty interesting twig. But then Lizzie said, “Umm, Dodger, no offense, but here’s another brown twig with four prongs. And here’s another. I don’t think your specimen is rare at all. Besides, twigs aren’t even a species.”

Dodger wandered off, disappointed. But then a moment later, he shouted, “It’s a miracle! Call the newspapers! This bush looks exactly like Mount Rushmore!” It kind of did, if you tilted your head and squinted, but Lizzie said that wouldn’t do the trick, either.

I walked away from Dodger and Lizzie, and tried to find something unique that would save our woods. I found some crushed-up soda cans, a few plastic bags, and a dead, smelly rat, but no rare plants or animals, as far as I could tell. I was about to turn around and give up when I saw a flash of green from behind a tree. I wasn’t sure what I had seen, so I tiptoed over and peeked around the trunk, but whatever I had glimpsed was gone.

At that point, I did turn around and start walking back. But then I saw something green dashing through the underbrush again. I tried to sneak up on whatever it was, but of course I stepped on a stick. It made a loud cracking noise, and that was that. I swear, I have to be the lamest sneaker-upper in the history of the world.

When I got back to my friends, they were arguing. “There! Did you see it that time?” Lizzie asked.

“What are you talking about?” Dodger said. “I didn’t see a thing. I don’t know, maybe it’s this stupid eye patch. I bet without it I’d be an excellent thing-seer. Why, we chimps are renowned far and wide for our strong scouting and investigating skills. For example, you might remember how that great explorer and adventurer Peter Panzee flew all the way from London to Never Never Land without even a compass. Or how my ancestors sailed the seven seas.”

“They did?”

“Sure. Haven’t you ever heard of Chimps Ahoy? Anyway, I didn’t see any green flash in the trees. Especially not one with pointy ears!”

“Wait a minute,” Lizzie said. “I never said anything about pointy ears! How did you—”

“Oooh, look at the time, kids! Looks like we’d better be getting back to your house before—”

“Wait a minute, Dodger!” I said. “I just saw something green sneaking around over behind that row of bushes, too. We can’t leave now. What if it’s some kind of new animal nobody’s ever seen before? This could totally save the forest!”

“Nah, it was probably just a Minty Barksucker. Those aren’t unusual at all.”

“What the heck is a Minty Barksucker? Sounds rare to me!”

“Um, did I say Minty Barksucker? I meant to say Green-Bellied Forest Eel. Very common, but extremely dangerous. Probably people see ’em all the time, but then the eels eat the people. That would explain if you haven’t heard of them. Anyway, we’d better go before the eel notices us. Dude, I don’t want to scare anybody or anything, but trust me—you don’t want to meet up with a Green-Bellied Forest Eel. Let’s just back away slowly. And, um, neither one of you has any cuts or scabs, right? Because the Green-Bellied Forest Eel tends to get enraged by the smell of blood. Or small fish. Are either of you carrying any anchovies?”

Lizzie and I shook our heads.

“Or sardines?”

We both shook our heads again.

“Mackerel?”

Lizzie stomped her foot. She said, “Dodger, there’s no such thing as a Green-Bellied Forest Eel. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard! You’re just making stuff up to get us to leave.”

Dodger looked down at his feet. “Fine,” he said. “You’re right. But come on—wouldn’t it be cool if there
were
Green-Bellied Forest Eels? Because, for one thing, then the Broad-Nosed Land Sharks wouldn’t be so lonely. … ”

Lizzie said, “Enough, Dodger! I want to find that pointy-eared creature that was sneaking around behind those trees. Now, would you come
on
already?”

Dodger made a pouty face and said, “Okay, if you insist. But it’s probably just a leprechaun.”

“Oh, forget it!” Lizzie said. “If you aren’t going to be serious, I quit!”

She turned on her heel and marched in the direction of my backyard. I followed her. We didn’t find out that he
had
been serious about the leprechaun until it was too late.

A
S SOON AS
L
IZZIE
and I stepped through the back door of my house, Amy was all over us. “So,” she said, “did you find a rare animal to save?”

“No,” I said.

“Did you find a rare plant to save?”

“No,” Lizzie said.

“Did you hold hands and skip romantically through the forest?”

“NO!” we both shouted. Lizzie fled to the kitchen to call her mom. Unfortunately, Amy stayed with me. She bent toward me and whispered, “Did Lizzie make the Kissy Face?”

“What are you
talking
about?” I hissed.

“Oh, I think you know,” she said.

“I don’t know! I swear, Amy, I have no idea whatsoever.”

Amy rolled her eyes and said, “How is it even possible that you are three years older than me? The Kissy Face is when the girl turns to you, like
this
, gazes at you with love, like
this
, and then starts to lean closer and closer to you like …”

That’s when Lizzie walked back in and said, “My mum is going to come get me in about fifteen—what are you DOING?”

I jumped away from my little maniac of a sister and said, “Nothing!” just as Amy said, “I was just showing Willie the Kissy Face—you know, in case you’ve been trying to use it on him and he hasn’t even noticed.”

Lizzie gave her a completely blank look and said, “What are you talking about?”

“That’s what I said!” I said.

“That
is
what you said,” Amy said.

“Stop saying what I said,” I said.

“Why?” Amy said. “You said you said what you said, so why can’t I say you said what you said you said?”

“Aaagh! You are so annoying! Now leave us alone so we can work.”

“Work, huh? Is that what you kids are calling it these days?” She winked at us. I couldn’t believe it—she actually
winked
at us.

“Yes, work! Now get going!”

Amy headed up to her room, but turned at the top of the stairs to blow kisses at us. I felt my face heating up in a massive blush. Unfortunately, I am a major blusher.

Lizzie turned to me and said, “Honestly, do you have any idea what that was all about?”

“Nope,” I said.

“Are you sure? You haven’t been—well—saying anything that would make your sister think we were—I mean—”

“NO!” I shouted.