Does This Mean You'll See Me Naked? (16 page)

A little old lady enters chapel A, approaches her late husband's casket, and notices that his suit is brown. She tells the undertaker that she had brought in a blue suit for her husband, not a brown one. The undertaker blushes and tells her, “I'm so sorry, Madam, I must have dressed the late Mr. Smith over in chapel B in your husband's suit. Please allow me a moment to rectify the situation.”

Thirty seconds later the undertaker escorts the lady back into chapel A. Impressed, the little old lady asks, “How ever did you swap suits so quickly?”

“I didn't,” the undertaker replies. “I just switched the heads.”

An unbelievable incident occurred many years ago that reminds me of that joke. The inattention of the employees of a large-volume funeral home in my area led to a hugely embarrassing situation. An elderly gentleman was delivered to a church for a visitation to begin at nine o'clock in the morning, followed by a funeral ceremony at ten. The children of the deceased arrived at the church at 8:30 for some private time, and they immediately discovered that the deceased reposing in the casket was not their father.

The funeral director at the church had no idea what had transpired, so he tried his best to smooth things over by attempting a plausible explanation: “Perhaps you have not seen your father in a while,” “You know, you are not used to seeing your father with his mouth closed,” and “You were obviously close to your father, and in your tremendous grief, perhaps you are not thinking clearly.”

The children patiently listened to the funeral director's attempts at an explanation and answered each politely: “Yes, we have seen our father recently,” “Yes, we have seen our father with his mouth closed,” and “Yes, we are grieving, but that is not our father.” The family also stated that the clothing was not that which they had selected.

The funeral director was still not convinced until he slid back the shirtsleeve of the reposing gentleman and spied the hospital-supplied bracelet that revealed the name, date of birth, and Social Security number of the deceased. I'm sure the funeral director's heart sank when the reality of this nightmare sank in. The wrong body had been brought to the church. He apologized to the assembled family members and immediately called the funeral home to have his employees try to find the correct deceased gentleman. Sure enough, there was another elderly gentleman lying in casketed repose in one of the funeral home's chapels.

By the time the correct deceased gentleman was delivered to the church for his funeral service it was past ten o'clock. I cannot imagine how much embarrassment that funeral director endured in the eyes of the family involved and the entire church full of congregants. Lesson learned: clearly mark the clothing, the casket, and of course the body of the deceased.

People should know that funeral directors take legitimate complaints very seriously. Immediate damage control is of utmost importance, since a family who feels slighted or mistreated in any way will surely call on a competing funeral home for service in the future.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE BOSS

Most complaints, thank goodness, are minor, usually the result of some miscommunication. Obituaries are the most common snags, as when a family member has gone unmentioned or a name has been incorrectly spelled. Such incidences can be smoothed over quickly with no lasting severe effects.

But it's not always that simple. After I conducted funeral services for a deceased friend, I was delighted when my employer handed me a letter from my friend's spouse. I assumed it would be congratulatory, perhaps lauding me for my fine job of caring for her family's needs. But as I read the letter I slowly became shocked at its contents. She was terribly upset over “many” incidents taking place at both the funeral home and the cemetery. I pored over her list of infractions and decided to call her to go over each one.

She was angry about late arrivals being allowed to enter the chapel. I explained that letting people in after the funeral had begun was customary. She was angry about the chapel door squeaking every time it was opened. I assured her that I would spray WD-40 on the hinges. She was angry about two babies crying throughout most of the service. I explained that such disturbances were common at both weddings and funerals, and it wasn't my place to order young mothers to leave. Her next problem was with the lounge—she was upset that a place where small children played might be filled with cigarette smoke. She was also appalled that a funeral home would charge fifty cents for a can of soda at her husband's visitation and funeral, thereby profiting further at her expense. I happened to agree about the lounge complaints—since then there's no smoking inside my funeral home and I don't charge for coffee or soft drinks. Her next problem was with the cemetery and that there were not enough chairs graveside; typically, cemeteries set up only a dozen. She also disliked the large pile of dirt next to her husband's grave—it's easier to fill the grave this way after everyone leaves.

After several minutes, I realized that no matter what I said, she was not about to be satisfied. I expressed my regret and hung up with a sinking feeling of failure. However, a few weeks later, another letter arrived. Expecting an additional litany of dissatisfactions, I opened it to find a letter of apology. The woman thanked me for everything I had done and admitted that her previous venting was her way of dispensing her anger over her husband's early death. I had just happened to be the target.

THEIR MISTAKE IS MY BUSINESS

As much as I try to rectify my own mistakes, fixing the mistakes of other funeral home directors has meant boons for my business. I am constantly amazed at the number of occasions on which I am asked to remove a body from a competing funeral home to my own. Once in a great while, it is merely a case of forgetfulness on the part of the bereaved family. In a time of immense grief, family members may request that a hospital or nursing home call a certain funeral home and then remember that they had meant to call someone else. Most times families change funeral homes because of cost. Unsuspecting family members are confronted by a high price at a funeral home and decide to halt the arrangement process and go back home to regroup and reconsider their options. Since I pride myself on offering the best price and value, and I heavily advertise that fact, I receive a huge amount of price shoppers—both before and after a death. But price is not always the motivating factor to change funeral homes.

One day, a large contingent of nearly twenty family members came into my office and asked me to quote for them the cost of the least expensive funeral services and merchandise that I offered. I gave them the price and they happily agreed. The person in charge was the son of the deceased, and he asked me to remove his father's body from a competing funeral home to mine. I asked why, and he explained that the original funeral home director that they had met with scolded them for being cheap and told them the casket they had selected was not suitable even for a dead dog. I provided the family with affordable service and merchandise for their loved one.

In another example, the funeral home telephone rang at three o'clock one recent morning. The caller said that her mother was deceased at her residence and asked how soon we could make the removal. I informed the caller that as soon as one of my sons and I dressed and drove to the funeral home to retrieve the hearse, we would be at the nearby residence within thirty-five minutes. That seemed to please the caller, and she handed the telephone off to a hospice nurse who was at the residence. The nurse gave me certain required information and then lowered her voice to a whisper. She thought that I should know that the deceased had died at eleven-thirty in the evening and the family had originally called a competing funeral home for service. Two hours passed and the original funeral home personnel had still not arrived at the residence. The family called the funeral home again, and the answering service said they were on the way. Another hour passed, and still no funeral home. The hospice nurse knew me and suggested to the family that they might want to call me. The funeral home they first called uses a trade service company that performs body removals for funeral homes in the area. The company must have been very busy that night, so busy that it didn't consider a residence call a top priority. We arrived at the residence, made the removal, and were backing out of the family residence driveway when the company's van was pulling into the same driveway.

I don't use an answering service unless it is absolutely necessary. I have a funeral home telephone installed in my home, and with the popularity of cell phones, any phone call can be forwarded to a cell phone. The funeral home telephone never goes unanswered. If I step outside for any reason, the cordless is in my pocket. If I cut the grass, my wife takes over phone duties. When we go out of town, my sons forward the funeral home calls to their cell phones. Phone duty is an inescapable fact of a 24/7 operation.

Cutting corners in the preparation process can have big repercussions. Two elderly sisters came to my door one afternoon and said they had a strange request. Their brother had passed away two days earlier and had been taken to a funeral home that had served their family in the past, but that funeral home had changed hands recently and was now owned by an out-of-state corporation. The two ladies had gone to the funeral home to make the arrangements and had asked to view their brother's body. The funeral director agreed and explained that their brother had just been embalmed and was not dressed, but he offered to allow the sisters to view him in the preparation room. The sisters agreed, and they asked to see their brother's hands. When the funeral director moved the deceased gentleman's hands from under the sheet, the women pointed out that the man's fingernails were just as filthy as they had been two days earlier. They commented to the funeral director that they had assumed such grooming details would be attended to before the body was dressed and placed into the casket. Incredibly, the funeral director took offense and crassly admonished them for telling him “his business.” He said he thought the deceased looked fine and that “nobody looks at fingernails anyway.”

The sisters left in a huff and came to my funeral home and requested that I retrieve their brother's body from the other funeral home. When I called the funeral director, he protested and told me not to come until he had a chance to speak with the sisters for an opportunity to smooth things over with them. The sisters told him that he had missed his chance to serve them.

Another time, a distraught young lady who had just seen my television commercial called one afternoon to ask me a strange question. She wanted to know whether it was possible to insert dentures into the mouth of someone who had been embalmed. Although slightly difficult, it is possible. She then asked if I would be willing to retrieve her late father from another funeral home, place his dentures into his mouth, and conduct the funeral services. She explained that her father had died in a hospital the night before, and she waited in the hospital room for the funeral home personnel to arrive to make the removal. The personnel arrived and she related that they were not very compassionate and pretty much hustled her out of the room without giving her a chance to kiss her father good-bye. The next day she went to the funeral home to make the arrangements and handed the funeral director a plastic bag containing her late father's dentures. She told the funeral director that her father was very adamant about having his dentures in his mouth and she wanted to make sure that it was done. The funeral director scoffed at her request and said it was too late—her father had already been embalmed and the dentures should have been given to the funeral home personnel at the hospital.

The daughter protested that she was not given a chance to hand over the dentures because she was practically pushed out of the hospital room the night before. The funeral director held fast, telling the daughter it was impossible to insert the dentures now, but he would be glad to see that the dentures went with her father by placing them in the foot end of his casket. The dentures are usually positioned into the decedent's mouth soon after the embalming process begins. The embalming process firms the facial features thereby holding the mouth firmly closed. It is a bit of a chore to re-open the mouth after embalming has been completed.

The daughter repeated her important request again. She told me that the funeral director raised his voice and bellowed that he would not put the dentures in her father's mouth. She went home to collect her thoughts and she saw my commercial when she turned on the television.

I called the funeral home to say that I was on the way to pick up the deceased. The funeral director who had met with the daughter was greatly enraged at the thought of losing her family's business. He told me not to come, that he would call the daughter immediately and place the dentures in her father's mouth.

I agreed to hold off until I heard from the daughter—she called shortly thereafter and informed me that the original funeral director had missed his chance to serve her family's needs. She wanted me to take care of her father's services. I removed her father's body from the original funeral home and complied with the daughter's wishes—I carefully placed her father's dentures into his mouth with no problem at all.