Dogfight (10 page)
Authors: Calvin Trillin
Cuisine Diversity
If Rubio, Jindal, or Haley or Rice
Got put on the ticket by Romney as vice,
Republicans possibly then could entice
Some voters who like to eat food that has spice
And not stick with voters who think that a slice
Of white bread’s the food that will always suffice.
But most thought Mitt, once having heard this chatter,
Would add a slice of white bread to his platter.
Rob Portman, of Ohio, pundits guessed,
Would likely be the grail of Romney’s quest.
A senator once head of OMB,
He boasted a magnificent CV.
His name for veep had also been revealed
Before McCain unleashed that bomb downfield.
Ohio was a swing state that just might,
Republicans had hoped, swing toward the right.
Ohio mattered, no two ways about it;
Republicans had never won without it.
The campaign press corps would, of course, persist
In adding politicians to the list.
McDonnell of Virginia was discussed.
Support of Christie had become robust.
And if a woman veep might have a shot,
There was some talk of Senator Ayotte.
But Portman was the favorite going in,
Though some thought Tim Pawlenty just might win.
Then, suddenly, we heard that Mitt was veering
Toward Ryan, he of social engineering—
The right-wing type. (Or that’s what Newt had said—
A quip that got him taken to the shed.)
Paul Ryan was, as everyone agreed,
In some ways what a guy like Mitt would need—
A young, attractive man who’d always been
Quite human, comfortable inside his skin.
A natural who never seemed aloof, he
Could chat with folks and not say something goofy.
He’d been the darling of the tea-bag right,
A group whose love of Mitt had been quite slight.
Conservatives at last could now rejoice—
Quite heartened when they heard of Romney’s choice.
And liberals, too, thought this would just be good,
Because the choice of Ryan likely would
Divert the campaign spotlight’s glare
From joblessness to things like Medicare—
A battlefield Republicans don’t choose,
Since it is one fight that they usually lose.
Medicare to the Forefront
Polls show that Medicare is now the third most vital issue of the campaign, and Paul Ryan’s plan to change it is unpopular with likely voters.
—News reports
Yes, any talk of Medicare
Is almost guaranteed to scare
A lot of voters everywhere.
Though Medicare, in truth, has ne’er
Been short of signs of wear and tear—
Its funding source may need repair—
Most folks are fierce in guarding their
Entitlements, and they declare
That any change would be unfair,
Would cheat them out of their fair share.
So politicians are aware
There’s always risk in going there.
They keep their distance from that snare.
You cannot win the Croix de Guerre
By meddling with Medicare.
Your fate’s more likely to compare
To agonizing
mal de mer,
A bad encounter with a bear,
A trip to the electric chair.
So talk of Medicare is rare,
But Ryan’s put it in the air,
And some Republicans despair.
Mitt’s team, though, countered with an ad
That said Obama’s health-care project had
Robbed Medicare of billions, which, for sure,
Would go right to the undeserving poor.
Though that, in fact, was not exactly true,
The ad had done what it was meant to do:
The deficit on Medicare Mitt faced
Apparently was gradually erased.
Still, Ryan’s budget Democrats would pitch
As taking from the poor to help the rich.
One portrait for which liberals saw him posing:
A banker who stays cheerful while foreclosing,
A follower, in pictures they would paint,
Of Ayn Rand, Gordon Gekko’s patron saint.
Ayn Rand
(Sung to the tune of “Blue Moon”)
Ayn Rand,
Because of you I’m now free.
Because of what you have taught,
I know it’s all about me.
Ayn Rand,
You taught we should be ambitious,
And strive to be avaricious,
Since money’s truly delicious.
And we shouldn’t share a nickel of this money
With citizens who can’t prevail.
The government is not the Easter Bunny.
The poor are weaklings who deserved to fail.
Ayn Rand,
Before you I was immobile.
Because of you I now know
That being selfish is noble.
Money Makes the World Go Around
The main campaign, declared those in the know,
Was bound to cost an awful lot of dough.
In Citizens United, the Supremes
Had ruled (by five to four, of course) that schemes
Called Super PACs could (sticking to a role
Not subject to a candidate’s control)
Spend millions to destroy his rival’s name
And thus essentially control the game.
Yes, buying pols, no matter what the price,
Was simply speech—free speech, to be precise.
By summer, Sheldon Adelson was seen
As one iconic figure of this scene.
Sheldon Adelson’s Free Speech
Casino mogul Sheldon Adelson is on the brink of reaching $71 million in contributions thus far in this election cycle.
—Roll Call
Yes, money is speech, so the Court has decreed.
While Adelson thinks this is splendid,
The rest of us wonder, as cash calls the tune,
Is this what the Framers intended?
Shel Adelson had speech more like a shout,
With millions spent to get Obama out.
Newt’s old enabler had upped his bet
That, digging in the deepest pockets yet,
He’d get a government that he could praise
For following the wisdom of his ways.
There had been talk that that’s precisely how
Things worked out well for Sheldon in Macao.
But Yanks are also willing to kowtow
As long as they can milk a big cash cow:
In Israel, Shel showed Mitt to his friends,
Like showing off a new Mercedes-Benz.
Sheldon and Mitt’s Beautiful Adventure
So someone more hard-line than any Likudnik—
Yes, someone who’s thought of as mostly a nudnik—
Can show up escorting the number one guy.
It just goes to show you what money can buy.
And Ryan, within days of his selection,
Flew off to Vegas to express affection
For Adelson, who’d greatly stretched his reach
By giving all those millions of free speech.
And who’d step in if Sheldon should go broke?
Those black-tie populists, the brothers Koch.
The Democrats had fat cats of their own,
Although the President had not been prone
To give big donors what they’re always needing:
Some ego stroking and much care and feeding.
With heated words and even some derision
He’d criticized the Super PAC decision.
And now he’d have to sing a different song,
And ask for cash for what he’d said was wrong.
Because of that, perhaps, he’d been quite slow
Approving use of Super PAC big dough.
The analysts all said that wasn’t smart,
Surrendering to Romney such a start.
The super-rich would mainly fund this race,
And some said we had now become a place
Where billionaires decide. The only test
Is which side can persuade them to invest.
No Coordination, No Communication
INTERVIEWER:
Your Super PAC, America the Super, has now spent just over three million dollars on negative television ads attacking Art Schwartz, the most serious opponent of Jeff Gold in the race for the Senate, and—with all due respect, ma’am—that has naturally raised questions about how closely America the Super is connected to the Gold campaign.
SUPER PAC CEO:
By law, a candidate’s campaign cannot coordinate or communicate with a Super PAC. America the Super is for America being super. If that leads to calling for an investigation into whether Mr. Schwartz did any inappropriate touching when he was a scoutmaster in 1978—because a lot of those scoutmasters did, you know—so be it.
INTERVIEWER:
Well, you do understand the assumption some have that there might be more contact than the spirit of the law intends there to be, given your closeness with Mr. Gold.
SUPER PAC CEO:
My closeness? What do you mean by my closeness?
INTERVIEWER:
Because you’re, well, his—
SUPER PAC CEO:
Because I’m his mother?
INTERVIEWER:
Well, yes, because you’re his mother. Because you’re his mother, it’s natural for people to assume that the two of you often talk—
SUPER PAC CEO:
He never calls. He never writes.
INTERVIWER:
Well, let’s take the thirty-second ads that America the Super made accusing Mr. Schwartz of having attended a summer session at Harvard—ads that started airing the morning after Mr. Gold made the original Harvard accusation, famously brandishing a copy of Mr. Schwartz’s transcript during a television debate. Is it your contention that you and Mr. Gold did not discuss—
SUPER PAC CEO:
Discuss! Discuss! How can you discuss something with someone who never calls his own mother?
INTERVIEWER:
So you’re saying that the Super PAC runs completely independently, with no instructions from Mr. Gold?
SUPER PAC CEO:
Discuss! Discuss! I could have a heart attack—God forbid—and be lying on the floor. Supine! Do you think he’d know? He’d never know. By law, a Super PAC cannot coordinate or communicate with a candidate’s campaign.
INTERVIEWER:
And you haven’t phoned him?
SUPER PAC CEO:
I should phone and be told by some snippy little secretary that he’s busy? I should phone and be put on hold until next
Tish B’ov
? I should phone and be told that, by law, a Super PAC cannot coordinate or communicate with a candidate’s campaign? Please. Spare me. Let an old woman die in peace.
INTERVIEWER:
Then you’re ill?
SUPER PAC CEO:
I was speaking metaphorically.
INTERVIEWER:
But you wouldn’t deny that America the Super has done a lot for Mr. Gold’s campaign. Are some of the funders of your Super PAC expecting some quid pro quo?
SUPER PAC CEO:
Done a lot! Was sitting up half the night with him when he had chicken pox a lot? Was schlepping him to band practice all those years a lot? Do I ask for thanks? No. A mother doesn’t ask for thanks. You do for people, you do for people, and where does it get you? I’ll tell you where it gets you: No communication. No coordination. By law, a Super PAC cannot coordinate or communicate with a candidate’s campaign.
August Surprise
Todd Akin’s rather singular theology
Rejected what’s in middle-school biology
And treated basic research with defiance.
His House committee dealt, of course, with science.
He ran for a Missouri Senate seat
Whose holder looked quite easy to defeat.
But then he said, with customary piety,
That rape, of the “legitimate” variety,
Will rarely make one pregnant, since the shock
Will put the reproductive works on lock.
(This proves at least he isn’t thinking maybe
A kindly stork is what will bring a baby.)
Republicans, appalled, said “Todd, skiddoo!”
Though language in a bill that they’d pushed through
The House was close to his. Plus their right flank
Had in the party platform placed a plank
Against abortion, and the way they framed
The language, there were no exceptions named.
Paul Ryan was a sponsor of that bill—
Which meant that Akin’s ignorance would spill
Into the presidential race for sure.
Republicans were braced now to endure
A charge they’d heard a million times before:
On women they were surely waging war.
