Don Quixote, Which Was a Dream (18 page)

'The more I didn't want De Franville, the more, I knew, for our minds were communal, he wanted me. Such a situation is usual for humans. Being indirect or perverted, De Franville wanted me the more, indirectly: The more ferocious his passion became, the more he kept it to himself and the more intensely and secretly he followed me. More in his thoughts than actually. For being the son of a doting mother, he knew he could actually get whoever he wanted.'

Again the hound spoke in De Franville's voice: 'In order to secure my possession of the lesbian, I first studied her character: Fear and inordinate pride were her two main motivations. Especially inordinate sexual pride. So that, while I couldn't directly approach her or rape her, I would have to make her fear, for only when she feared could she love.

'How can I excite interest in her, or fear, without making her clam up? The solution was to make her want me thus be scared, but not be able to have me so she couldn't run away. I had to become the impossible object of her desire: I had to become as beautiful, unmoving, or unreachable as possible.

'I happen to be beautiful and unreachable because everybody wants me and I don't want anybody. Because my father kept trying to control me brutally, I learned to become untouchable. I will not be a male like my father. Moreover, I am what I'm not, for I have to control people, especially lovers, in order to ensure they don't get too close to me and I despise control. For this reason, I can't abide sexuality. At the same time, I despise the women I control who, like my mother who put up with my brutal father, are weak. I can be with a woman only in my thoughts. My sexuality, being fixed or inert, is dead, therefore beautiful. Villebranche, as soon as she notices me, will have to want me.'

Then the dog spoke objectively: 'On the day of the party, De Franville made his appearance mirror his desire: A line of black kohl around each eye, unnoticeable, rendered the eyes so large, they questioned. Rouge emphasizing his lips and high cheekbones and a pair of pants, cut with pleated thighs for a young girl, rather than making him seem female, accentuated his sexual ambiguity. He wasn't a man or a boy imitating a woman, but a young girl, for a young girl has no idea neither of sex nor of her own identity. A young girl is not.

'Thus, De Franville went to the party. There, he did not take part. The lonely, horny, and desirous party-goers gathered around the angel just as passerbys on a street gather around the corpse in a car accident.

'Villebranche was no exception. She was always anonymous and fit into whatever society she was in because she was so scared. So if everyone in the world wanted De Franville, Villebranche in her anonymity wanted him. Frightened, masked, she kept her distance.

'De Franville was not masked because he was a young girl.

'Villebranche who could want only girls because she didn't love them fell in love with De Franville.

'This Nazi captain, always so sure of her power, no longer knew what to do. The girl was too innocent, too sweet. He (she) walked around the object; he(she) fumbled; he(she) was tongue-tied. Finally he(she) got up the courage to say something to his(her) love. 'Uh . . .'

'De Franville, caught in her(his) own bind, looked down and couldn't reply.

' "He won't speak to me again," De Franville said, staring at Villebranche. She(He) wouldn't admit aloud she(he) knew Villebranche was female. Faced with an audacity more snobbish than her(his) passivity, De Franville was unable to move as usual.

'The Nazi captain kept attempting to talk to this perfection in the same way. Caught by perfection, he(she) couldn't speak. There being no replies to his(her) speechlessness, feeling his(her) aggressiveness rejected, he(she) was even more attracted by the non-reply. Totally confused and more in love than in the initial attraction, the Nazi captain walked away from the girl.

'De Franville wasn't a girl, but a cunt. She(He) was so unsure of herself (himself), she(he) fucked everyone she(he) could get her (his) hands on. There were plenty of them. Regardless of sexual gender. At the same time, because she(he) was sexually ambiguous, she(he) looked innocent. She(He) always said that she(he) wasn't a whore, she(he) never got near sex. She(He) didn't even feel. Oh, she(he) might have fucked, here and there, now and then, but that didn't matter. In fact, it didn't really happen. Everyone she(he) had touched, she(he) had loved, cause she(he) had nothing to do with lust. Who could be more androgynous?

'Everyone wanted the virgin. Women whom she (he) lied to and treated as if they were her(his) benefactors naturally wanted her (him) to live with them under any conditions. She(He) was fond of
any
conditions. Men, whom De Franville respected, took care of De Franville, for, next to her(him), they felt their own masculine superiority. When lust overcame their rationality, they raped De Franville. She(He) wasn't sure about being raped: As men say, rape is a form of love, and De Franville was a man. De Franville adored and hated his past rapists.

'The Nazi captain watched this degeneracy from his(her) solitude of pride and fear. De Franville's whorishness or ambiguity made him(her) resolve anew not to go near such a cunt unless he(she) controlled the cunt.

'Everyone's always telling me what to do,' the dog whined. This's a bitch's life. I don't know what to do about it. My parents told me what to do when I was a child. When I either did or didn't do what they told me to do, they rejected me. My past misformed, rather than formed, me.'

'Have a cup of coffee,' answered the knight.

'Therefore,' the bitch bitched, 'to open this, my self, which has been misformed by rejection to needing love, or something or other, is to open it (me) to fear. I've always been anxious, as far as I can remember, for I've always, in my memory, been hurt.'

'How far can you remember?'

'As far as being hurt. I'm always scared. In order to overcome my fear,' she returned to her past, 'I dressed up as a Nazi captain.'

'That's one way to accomplish the impossible. I've always been fond of the impossible.'

'Dressing up as a Nazi captain wasn't enough. In order to open myself up, I had to eradicate fear totally. I asked myself: "What do I fear most?"

'"Having someone control me so that it's possible I'll be rejected." How could I eradicate, not my being controlled, but my fear of being controlled? By being controlled as much as possible: by willful marriage. I would ask the person whom I loved the most, feared the most, to marry me.

'Finally knowing what I wanted, I shoved my fears aside in order to get through the crowd of people wanting De Franville, to get to De Franville. De Franville didn't see any of these creeps around her(him) because she(he) thought she(he) didn't exist.

'"I want you." I drew her(him) out of her(his) fantasy. "I don't want just another affair, fantasy. All that romance, cause the mind always changes its thoughts, is peripheral. I want something beyond. I want you."

'She(He) nodded her(his) head, slightly.

'"But you're much younger than me. You probably don't want something like this: To settle down."

'She(He) said as usual that she(he) wasn't worth anything.

'"Cut through fantasy." I was amazed at my nerve. But

she(he) was only a girl. Girls don't frighten me, except in the long term, because in the long term, girls're vicious. "I'm talking about love. I want you to marry me. Either marry me or forget me." Of course, she(he) didn't know me. "We can't talk here."

'"Where can we talk since you never do?" We had never spoken to each other before.

'"I think we're going to marry, but it's a bit too soon for me," she(he) whispered. Then she(he) rejected me. She(he) walked away from me.

'Not thinking, I went after her(him). I caught up to her(him) in an empty, dark, large room, far from anyone.'

Again, the dog spoke in the male voice: 'Before the party, I had hired this room in order to bring Villebranche to it.'

The dog was now male: 'I watched him(her) in a corner of the room quickly take off his(her) uniform jacket and pants. Underneath, he(she) was wearing a white Oxford shirt which should be spotless, but wasn't. The white shirt came down to and nearly covered the spot between his(her) legs. He(She) was obviously shy. He(She) never took off his(her) shirt. Watching him(her), while he(she) was too shy to watch me and kept his(her) back to me, I unbuttoned the tiny buttons of my shirt and undid the front button of the softly flared pants. I undid each button, knowing that behind his(her) façade of not watching, he(she) over his(her) back was watching me. I stripped down to cotton briefs. Villebranche turned full-face to me. There was obviously nothing there between her legs.

'I wasn't surprised, for I had known she was female. She was shocked to realize I had known she was female.

'She didn't show her shock directly, but just looked at me as if she distrusted me at the same time wondering if I was shocked by her deception. Caught in a maelstrom of deceit, I refused to notice it.

'We looked at each other without even noticing that for the first time not only were we alone together but we were, almost, naked.'

The dog regained her own voice: 'The main thing to me was that she(he) accepted my femininity. I no longer had to lie. I no longer had to be someone I wasn't. I was easy, yet I was

still in control, for we were totally in the world of women. Though I was in control, since I didn't want to scare this innocent, honest young girl(boy), I decided she(he) should control:

'She(He) did whatever she(he) wanted and didn't do whatever she(he) didn't want to do. All she(he) wanted to do was hug and kiss me. Her(his) need for love must have been tremendous, for the only way she(he) could touch was to grab violently. Since she(he) didn't want or know anything else, her(his) communication was through violence only. She(He) wanted nothing to do with her(his), or anyone else's, sexuality.

'I knew there was a way this girl(boy) and I could make love, but I didn't know how. I wasn't, unfortunately, in control of myself, for I was horny, as I often am. I had to control myself in order to let this young girl(boy) control me. Not only didn't I know how we could make love, I couldn't even name the problem we had.

'De Franville reacted to my inability to act by doing nothing, defiantly giving nothing. I wanted to slap her(him) to hell, but I didn't have her(his) permission.

'"Since I can't make it with you sexually, we'll be friends." This is the most passive, that is defiant, statement of all.

'The young girl(boy), being a young girl(boy), was too unsure of herself (himself) to utter a word. She (He) was unsure of herself(himself) partly because she(he) had never had anywhere to live. Being young and having upper-middle-class parents, she(he) preferred playing house to having one. She(He) preferred playing poor to acknowledging her(his) family's wealth. For this reason, as I said before, she'd(he'd) sleep with anyone for a night's lodging. The person's sexual gender was hardly an issue. Each night, at first she(he) stood passively and didn't talk in some bar while drinking as much as possible. If someone didn't pick her(him) up, she(he) passed out on someone-she(he)-knew's floor or in the bed. She(He) was just playing. When she'd(he'd) play being very desperate, she'd(he'd) run back to her(his) wealthy home. Since in this world those who didn't own had to pretend to own in order to stay alive, those who owned pretended not to. So Villebranche's home, in the eyes of this young girl(boy), transformed Villebranche from an exciting Nazi officer into a dull

house owner, even though De Franville agreed to go to Villebranche's home.

'The house was a three-room flat overlooking the Thames. Villebranche had taken this flat simply because it had been the first one which had been offered her. Though it had neither heat nor hot water, she had done nothing to it. She didn't understand household chores. She despised attempting what she didn't understand. Her minimal attempt to get rid of the middle-class grottiness of the walls, the gray wall-to-wall carpeting, the nice tables was to maintain superficial cleanliness in the joint. Outside her windows, though she never raised the filthy blinds, young women tugged their two-in-one prams to and fro. De Franville cared about her (his) living quarters as much as Villebranche did.

'Not being appalled by the lack of anything, De Franville made no attempt to leave Villebranche's home.

'Villebranche was too polite to show surprise and hesitancy. She politely, or out of fear, asked the girl(boy) to stay the night, even though she was pissed to be bothered with a girl(boy) who didn't want to fuck. Politely, De Franville agreed aloud to stay the night.

'If a progressive "second revolution" still does not take place in England, then a conservative counter-revolution will; and in that case the movements toward Scottish, Welsh, and even Ulster independence will acquire added progressive impetus and lustre, as relatively left-wing causes saving themselves from central reaction.

'Despite her politeness, Villebranche grew more and more angry that she was housing someone who was sexually rejecting her. Villebranche had lost control.

'This must be how sexual desire tears down the fabric of society.'

The dog ignored this tendentious remark. ' "You'll do exactly as I tell you to do from now on," Villebranche said to the young girl(boy) as she slapped her(his) cheeks hard, then proceeded to snap handcuffs around her(his) wrists. Villebranche was out of control.