Donna Joy Usher - Chanel 02 - Goons 'n' Roses (20 page)

Winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence
Comedy/Humour Award
Winner of the 2014 Next Generation Indie Book Awards
Ebook Fiction Category

Faced with the unattractive options of an affair with her boss’s husband or the unknown, Chanel Smith chooses the unknown and unwittingly traps herself into joining the New South Wales Police Force. More interested in fashion than felony, Chanel staggers through training and finds herself posted to the force’s most notorious crime hot spot: Kings Cross. Against her wishes she becomes entangled in a case of the worst kind, a serial killer targeting young women in The Cross.

As she is drawn further into the seedy underworld of The Cross in her attempt to unravel the truth, Chanel makes new friends, new enemies and draws the attention of the killer. Can she solve the case in time, or will she become the killer’s next victim?

Cocoa and Chanel
is now available for sale as an eBook and in paperback on Amazon.com.

It wasn’t my boss that I hated. It was my boss’s husband, Lenny – a fat lazy specimen of a man, with overtly frisky hands. Everybody knew Lenny was a perve, everybody that is except Cindy, my boss.

Lenny and Cindy owned Glamor, the prestigious hairdressing salon I worked at. And when I say prestigious, I mean prestigious for Hickery, the small country town I grew up in. We served coffee and our magazines were current. That was as good as it gets in Hickery.

I was in the storeroom sorting out stock when the bell on Glamor’s front door jangled. That was the last noise I wanted to hear fifteen minutes before knock-off time on a Friday. With Cindy, the client always came first – which was a nice work ethic, but it sucked when it meant I stayed late. And that Friday night I had plans to meet Becky, my best friend, at Hickery’s one and only bar, The Brimstone. I didn’t want to be stuck at work trying to guess the exact shade of lilac hair old Mrs Peterson wanted when I could be sharing a bottle of sparkling wine with Becky.

‘Cindy?’ I called out, crossing my fingers. She had taken the day off to visit her Mum.

The door to the storeroom opened and I groaned inwardly as Lenny leant against the door frame.

‘Oh hi,’ I said dismissively, hoping Cindy was with him.

‘Chanel,’ he said, nodding his head at me and attempting to look down my blouse.

I stood up, assessing whether I could make it out the door without having to rub up against his rotund gut. It didn’t look good. Between my boobs and his belly there just wasn’t enough room for both of us.

‘Excuse me,’ I said, smiling brightly as I gestured towards the doorway.

He didn’t move away, as I’d really hoped he would, but instead lurched further into the cramped storeroom. Leering down at me, he said, ‘Nice girl like you should have a man to look after her.’

‘I don’t need a man to look after me,’ I said as I backed away from him. The truth was that I didn’t have a man, not because I didn’t want one, but because the hot men were a little light on the ground in Hickery. ‘And anyway,’ I added, ‘I’ve got Cocoa.’ Cocoa was the love of my life. A miniature black schnauzer my now ex-boyfriend, Tommy, had given me for my birthday last year.

‘That’s a dog, not a man. A girl like you needs a real man.’ He grabbed his crutch as he uttered the last words and moved even closer.

Oh shit.
I was in serious trouble.

‘And how lucky Cindy is to have you.’ I could smell the stench of his fetid breath tainted with a hint of alcohol. ‘By the way where is Cindy?’

‘At her Mum’s.’

‘Great,’ I said, squishing myself into the far corner of the room. My mind raced, trying to come up with a suitable plan to get out of my situation which was, in every way, shape and form, bad. To start with, Lenny was my boss’s husband. But more importantly, he was an odious specimen of a man. I found him physically repugnant and if I rejected his advances the creep would probably tell Cindy I’d hit on him. If he did that I’d be out job hunting on Monday. As the only other hairdressing shop in town was owned by my ex-boyfriend’s mother, and as I had broken his heart and stomped on his soul (her words) I felt that the chances of my gaining employment there were pretty poor. On the other hand if I did sleep with Lenny I would have to go home and slit my wrists, because there was no
way
I was going to be able to live with that memory.

***

 
Cocoa and Chanel
is now available for sale as an eBook and in paperback on Amazon.com.

The Seven Steps To Closure

 Winner of the 2012 elit Publishing Award Humor Category.

Finalist in the 2012 Shirley You Jest Book Awards.

Finalist in the 2013 Indie Excellence Awards Chicklit Category.

Tara Babcock awakens the morning after her 30th birthday with a hangover that could kill an elephant – and the knowledge she is still no closer to achieving closure on her marriage breakup. Things go from bad to worse when she discovers that, not only is her ex-husband engaged to her cousin – Tash, the woman he left her for – but that Jake is also running for Lord Mayor of Sydney.

Desperate to leave the destructive relationship behind and with nothing to lose, she decides – with encouragement from her three best friends – to follow the dubious advice from a magazine article,
Closure in Seven Easy Steps
.

The Seven Steps to Closure
follows Tara on her sometimes disastrous- always hilarious – path to achieve the seemingly impossible.

A credible and amazingly touching debut novel from Donna Joy Usher, this is a solid, light-hearted and honest read with plenty of laughs.

“
The Seven Steps to Closure’
s heroine Tara is an endearing character and her entertaining journey to closure is packed with laughs and plenty of heart.”Tonya Plank, Shirley You Jest! Book Awards judge and author of
Swallow.

‘Polly want a crackhead. Polly want a crackhead.’

The voice, more piercing than any alarm, dragged me from my slumber.

‘Who’s a pretty boy?’

I peered blurrily at my bedside table. What time was it? What day was it? Snapshots of the night before flashed before my eyes. Dancing on a table?
Surely not.

‘Mary had a little lesbian.’

Harrumphing in annoyance I lifted my head and pummelled my pillow into a more comfortable shape. My efforts were rewarded with a spinning head and an urge to throw up.

Ahhh crap.
I had a killer hangover.
What did I get up to last night?
I concentrated hard and finally more flashes of memory assaulted me – bad karaoke, skolling wine out of a bottle, falling over in a bar, telling complete strangers how my husband had left me, and finally being taken home in a taxi while I sobbed uncontrollably.

I groaned in shame.

‘The money’s on the dresser.’

Rolling my eyes, I turned my attention to the problem at hand. It was really no surprise Cocky had ended up at the animal shelter where my mother volunteered, but I was still perplexed as to why she’d given him to me.

‘He talks,’ she’d advised when she’d dropped him off. ‘It’ll do you good to have some proper company.’

‘Show us your knockers.’

It begged the question: just how sad did she think I’d become if this was proper company?

Gingerly, I swung my legs out of bed and sat with my head between my knees as I made my plan. A quick dash across the lounge to the toilet, ten or so minutes of puking my heart out, and then I could deal with the bird.

He waited until I was almost at the bathroom. ‘You’ve got a fat ass.’

I spun menacingly towards the cage.

‘Nice tits though.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, automatically looking down. I stopped and sighed, realising there was a chance that the cockatiel’s compliment was the nicest thing that would happen to me that day. I had obviously reached a low point in my life.

I looked at Cocky bobbing up and down on his perch, obviously very pleased with himself. ‘What am I going to do with you?’ I asked. I was glaring into his beady eyes – determined to outstare him, when all of a sudden a hot sweat and waves of nausea washed over me. Breaking eye contact I rushed to the toilet just in time to relieve the contents of my stomach in a terribly undignified manner. I heard his cackles echoing around the lounge room and into the bathroom where I lay panting on the floor, tears rolling down my face.

* * *

If you would like to have a better look at
The Seven Steps to Closure
click
HERE
.

Self-Publishing: How to Publish Like a Pro for a Fraction of the Cost

Want to self-publish your book but concerned about the cost involved? Frustrated with ‘how to’ books, that tell you
what
to do, but not
how
to do it? Bamboozled by the number of self-publishing options available?

Self-Publishing: How to Publish Like a Pro for a Fraction of the Cost
contains everything a DIY author needs:

• The crucial self-publishing options available.
  
• Things you need to do
  before
  you self-publish.
  
• How to self-publish for $35 and have your book available for sale on Amazon, Smashwords, Kobo, Barnes and Noble, Sony, and iBookstore amongst others.
  
• How to format your 2007 or 2010 Word Document to look like a professionally-printed book.
  
• How to format your eBook.
  
• How to format for Smashwords’ Meatgrinder.
  
• How to load your files into Amazon, CreateSpace and Smashwords.
  

This book is ideal for all authors, especially those with limited computer skills, who want to produce a professional product and reap the rewards.

DONNA JOY USHER
is the award-winning, Amazon best-selling author of
The Seven Steps to Closure
and
Cocoa and Chanel
. She is a self-taught, self-publishing author, who is passionate about helping others achieve success.

Available now in eBook format from
Amazon
.