Don't Look Back (10 page)

I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Mary’s number. After the pleasantries, I asked how she would feel if I put a dog door in the kitchen door that went out to the backyard. To my pleasure, she agreed, saying I could always replace the door itself if needed. I thought that was fair. We hung up and I smiled in Greta’s direction.

“Greta, you’re going to get your very own door. How does that sound?”

Greta stood next to me, her tail wagging, waiting for me to throw the ball again.

As a test, I left Greta out back while I went to the pet store to buy a dog door. I wanted to see how she would do outside on her own. I’d never left her alone out back before, but if she was going to have the ability to go in and out on her own, she would be able to go out back and I needed to see what she would do.

Less than an hour later I was back. Hurrying inside, I went straight to the backyard and flung open the back door, expecting to be jumped on by a happy dog. Instead, I was startled to see Marcus sitting on my back porch, playing with Greta.

“What are you doing here?” I blurted.

“Hi, Kate.”

I stepped onto the porch and stood with my hands on my hips. The way he had just shown up like that was reminiscent of Trevor and it made me very nervous. “Why are you in my backyard?”

“I’m really sorry,” he said, apparently sensing my anger.

His sincere expression of remorse calmed me and I sat on the porch steps nearby. “It just freaked me out to see you in my backyard.”

“I only came over because Greta was barking so much. I’d never heard her do that before and I was worried something was wrong. I came over to check on you and when I found her in the backyard by herself, I wondered what had happened.”

Touched by his genuine concern, I smiled. Then I laughed and shook a finger at Greta. “You’re a naughty girl. You shouldn’t be barking like that.” She rushed over to me and pushed her nose into my hand, encouraging me to pet her, which I did. Then I looked at Marcus. “I left her outside on purpose to see what she would do. I started a new job today and I’m going to put in a dog door so she’ll be able to come in and out on her own and I wanted to see how she would react to being outside by herself.”

He nodded. “Oh, okay. Hey, congrats on the job, by the way. Where is it?”

“At
Billi’s
boutique, downtown. Do you know where it is?”

“Yeah.” He paused. “Where are you putting the dog door?”

“In the back door there.” I pointed to the door that led into the kitchen.

“Have you done that kind of thing before?”

“Well no. But maybe you can teach me?”

He grinned. “Let me just get my tools.”

I watched him push himself off of the porch and head toward the back gate. While I waited for him to return, I tossed the ball for Greta a few times. When the gate opened, I saw Marcus come through, a box of tools in one hand.

First he traced the outline of the dog door on the kitchen door, marking where we would need to cut, then he held up the jigsaw and showed me how it worked. He started cutting, then stopped.

“You try it,” he said, handing me the jigsaw.

Hesitating, I just looked at it. “But what if I mess up?”

“Here, I’ll help you. Hold the jigsaw like this.”

He demonstrated and when he handed the jigsaw to me, I mimicked his example.

“Now put the blade through the cut I started.”

I pushed the blade into the narrow area where he had begun cutting.

“Now squeeze the trigger that’s by your finger.”

Nervous I would either mess up what he’d done so far, or cut myself, I gently squeezed the trigger. The jigsaw’s movement startled me and I almost dropped it. I let go of the trigger and looked at Marcus to see his reaction. I expected to see him scowling at me; after all, this was his tool and I could easily damage it. But when my eyes met his, he looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh. “What’s so funny?” I asked, now feeling dumb.

“It’s okay,” he assured me. “Sometimes it takes practice.”

Feeling a little better, I tried it again, but again it seemed to buck in my hands. “I don’t think I can do this.” I tried to hand the jigsaw back to him, but he shook his head.

“I can help you, if it’s okay,” he said.

I didn’t know exactly what he meant, so I agreed. Then he knelt behind me, put his arms on either side of me, and then put his hands over mine. His muscular arms pressed against me and the scent of his cologne filled my senses. Heat pulsed through me and I tensed, not knowing what to do.

He didn’t seem to notice and with his mouth right by my ear he said, “Okay, now squeeze the trigger.”

My heart pounding, and not from using the jigsaw, I did as he asked and he guided my hands so that the jigsaw cut where it was supposed to. The sensation of the jigsaw vibrating in our hands and Marcus pressed against me made my heart race. We finished cutting out the space where the dog door would go and he let go of my hands, then backed away. I handed him the jigsaw and he smiled at me. I noticed his gorgeous green eyes seemed to sparkle and I wondered what he had felt when he’d been so close to me.

“You did it, Kate,” he said, a big smile on his face.

Still unnerved by having him so close to me, I tentatively smiled back. “Only because you helped me.”

“I enjoyed helping you,” he said, a twinkle in his eyes.

I felt myself blush, and then guilt suffused me. After all, I was a married woman. I felt like I was cheating on Trevor. But I couldn’t blame Marcus; he believed I was single. And if Trevor was cheating on me with Amanda, and if I had no intention of getting back together with Trevor, was it really cheating? I pushed my concerns aside. It really didn’t matter anyway. All I was interested in was taking care of myself and my baby. Getting involved with anyone was out of the question. Even so, I could enjoy Marcus’ friendship. And I could do it without fear of reprisals from Trevor.

“So what’s next?” I asked, trying to make it clear this was all business for me, although inside I was completely out of sorts.

“Now we attach the door. Do you want to try it?” He held the dog door in one hand and his drill in the other.

I shook my head. “No, that’s okay.”

“All right.” Marcus put the door in the opening, then secured it in place. Turning to me he said, “That’s it. Greta can use it now.”

“Hear that, Greta?” I said, scratching her head, finally feeling in control of my emotions. “You have your own door now. Let’s see if you can use it.” I went into the house and closed the door, leaving her on the outside. Then I lifted the dog door from my side and encouraged her to come through. Poking her nose through, she hesitated, then she stepped through and I let the flap fall down.

Marcus did the same thing from his side and she went back outside. “I think she’s got it,” he said.

I went back onto the porch and praised Greta. Then I smiled at Marcus. “Thanks for all your help. Again.” I couldn’t help but feel guilty for all the help he’d given me and I wondered what I could to do to show my appreciation. “What can I do to pay you back for all you’ve done?”

He grinned, like he’d already thought of this. “You can let me take you out to dinner.”

Though caught off guard by his request, I forced the smile to stay on my face, but I could feel it faltering. He must have seen it to.

Looking disappointed, he said, “That’s okay. You don’t have to.”

Now I felt even worse. He’d done so much to help me, how could I turn down his invitation? Saying no would make me look ungrateful and that’s not how I was feeling at all. If he hadn’t helped me bring the crib in the house and put it together and carry all those heavy boxes upstairs, and now put in the dog door for Greta, what would I have done? Telling him no would be selfish. “Of course, Marcus. I’d love to go to dinner with you.”

The sparkle returned to his green eyes as a smile lit his face. “Great! What night works best for you?”

“Well, tonight I have Greta’s obedience school and tomorrow I have my self-defense class.”

“Self-defense? I didn’t know you were taking a class. What made you want to do that?”

 “Well, you know,” I stammered. “It’s just that I live here by myself.”

He nodded, accepting my answer. “You know, Kate, I learned some hand-to-hand combat techniques in the marines. I can always teach you some of those.”

“Oh. I’d like that.” I figured it wouldn’t hurt to learn a few more moves, in addition to the ones Steve was teaching me in class. Especially after I’d actually put those moves to use to get away from Amanda. The thought of having to get away from Trevor, who was bigger and stronger than me, made me realize that I could use all the training I could get.

“But anyway. About dinner?”

“Yes,” I said. “Thursday or Friday would work.”

“Let’s plan on Thursday. I’ll come by about six, if that’s okay.”

“Sounds great,” I said, smiling. I found I was looking forward to getting to know Marcus better. But just as a friend, of course.

Chapter Seventeen

That night at dog obedience school, I chatted with Billi before we started. Though I’d spent the morning working at her store, she’d either been in the back office or helping customers, so we hadn’t talked much. And though she’d been kind to me, I hadn’t told her anything about my past. As far as I knew, she didn’t even know I was pregnant. I knew it would be obvious soon enough, so I really needed to tell her, but the right moment hadn’t presented itself yet.

Following the instructions of the teacher, I took Greta through her paces and she did well. I knew she would need another course when she got older, but she was getting the basics down. By the time class was over, I was exhausted. It had been my busiest day yet. I’d started my new job, then worked with Marcus to put in the dog door, and then come to class.

As I said good-bye to Billi and her dog Chloe, and walked Greta to my car, I thought about Marcus and the way he’d made me feel when he’d helped me use the jigsaw. Heat raced through me as I recalled the sensation of having him so close. But how could I feel that way when it had only been a month since I’d left Trevor? Confused by my feelings, I shook my head as I helped Greta into my car and drove home.

I hadn’t had a chance to check my email before going to class, but after having a snack, I booted up my laptop and went online, immediately opening my email. There was an email from Trevor. I opened it to see how he’d answered my questions about Amanda.

Lily,

I think you misunderstood what you saw. I’m not “with” Amanda. She just happened to stop by when you were there. She’s just a friend. It’s you I love! And honestly, I don’t know what you mean when you said Amanda said I told her to not let you leave. I didn’t tell her anything like that. The only thing I can figure is that I said I hoped you wouldn’t leave before I got back. She must have misunderstood me.

Please Lily! Please know how much I love you and miss you. I want to be with you so much. You and our baby. Please reconsider what you’re doing. Please, just tell me where you are and I can come and get you and bring you home to be with me.

Love always, your husband,

Trevor

Now I was more confused than ever. Did he really love me? Was he telling the truth about Amanda or did he just not know that I’d seen him kissing her? Did he really not tell Amanda to keep me there until he got back? Or was he just trying to trick me? And if he was trying to trick me, why would he? What did he want from me? Did he want revenge because I’d taken my money back? Did he really want to be a part of our baby’s life? I had no idea what his real agenda was. Half of me wanted to believe him, because then maybe there was a chance for us. But the other half wanted to forget I’d ever known him so I could move on with my life and not have all of the uncertainty that he was throwing at me.

I felt like I was making a life for myself here and even though I felt lonely a lot of the time, at least I felt relatively safe. And most importantly I had my freedom. Trevor was out of his mind if he thought I would tell him where I was.

Exhausted, and not wanting to deal with Trevor just then, I shut down my laptop and went to bed.

As I lay in bed that night, I realized I was two different people. One of my personas was Lily, Trevor’s pregnant and estranged wife. A woman in hiding from her husband. A woman emailing her husband and fighting to figure out what he really wanted from her. A woman desperate to keep her baby safe and to keep her husband from finding her.

Then there was Kate. As Kate, I played the grieving, pregnant widow. A woman who valiantly lived on her own. A woman who worked part-time, owned a dog, took self-defense classes, and had a devastatingly handsome neighbor who liked to come over and help the poor, helpless young widow.

In the privacy of my room, I allowed the tears to come. Who did I want to be? Who was I hurting by playacting? What would happen when my baby was born? I couldn’t go on like this forever. Eventually the truth was bound to come out. But right now I really loved being Kate. I didn’t want to be Lily anymore. I wanted Lily to disappear. I wanted to pretend like Trevor had never happened.

Right then I vowed to ignore Trevor’s emails. If I wanted to be Kate, then Trevor could not exist in my life. Feeling marginally better now that I’d decided on a solution, I was able to drift off to sleep.

The next morning at work I enjoyed helping the customers. Billi worked in her office unless it got busy, then she came out and helped customers. I hoped to have the chance to talk to her sometime soon.

That night was my self-defense class and after my run-in with Amanda, I paid extra close attention to the instructions. I felt more confident as I practiced, although I didn’t exactly feel ready to face off with Trevor, if it came to that. Even though I had decided to ignore his emails, I wasn’t so blind as to think I shouldn’t be prepared for whatever may happen in the future.

I thought I might have a chance to talk to Billi, but she left early. The next day at work I told her I needed to talk to her for a few minutes when she had some time. She suggested we chat when my shift was over and Maddy came in.