Doppelganger

He had been watching for most of the day, watching the far mountains as they faded in and out of clouds, then the trees closer by as they came and went amid the mist as well. Later he began watching the strip of gravel road that wound its way up to the cabin, waiting for her to get home so she could feed him. He was hungry. He'd been hungry all day, and yesterday, too. In the end, he settled on watching the rain patter against the glass, watched the drops as they puckered and trickled, splitting up or drawing together in patterns he couldn't understand. Then finally, as even the drops began to fade against the encroaching darkness, a pair of headlights at the corner, and soon a station wagon pulling up to the house. It was a new car. She usually came back with a new one.

He left the window, ran behind the chair, and crouched in the darkness. A minute later, the door opened. There were footstepsâsix slow onesâfollowed by light in the cabin, causing him to pull back, blinking, even further into the shadows. Footsteps again, closer now. Then the face, illuminated by the overhead light as she bent down to stare into the
hollow place behind the chair.

“It's not much of a game if you always hide in the same spot,” she said.

He didn't reply. He just pulled his knees in tighter to his chest and studied the face.

It was a full face, smooth and pale, with the slightest hint of a double chin. Its eyes were round and blue, and its hair was yellow like the sun. He liked this face better than her last one. The last one was old. Old and mean, with squinty eyes and a cruel mouth. This face wasn't mean. It even looked like the face of somebody's mother, one that could be warm and kind if the wearer wanted it to be. And maybe with a face like that, the wearer would want it to be.

Still, even though he liked it better, he didn't move. He never moved when she first came back, until she made him. She thought it was a game, but it wasn'tâhe just had to be sure.

“You can come out,” she said. “Come out of there.”

He shook his head, stubborn. She looked away, sighed, and then looked back. There was a twitching along the corners of her jaw and hairline, followed by a ripple, as if her face were a pool into which he'd thrown a pebble. For a moment he could see the old eyes, lidless, round and cold; could see the gray skin and nostril folds. It both comforted and terrified him.

She turned away and went over to the woodstove.

“The lights were off,” she said. “Were they off yesterday, too? Did you never turn them on?”

He crawled out from behind the chair and shook his head, even though she wasn't looking.

“It's freezing in here.” She opened the stove door and peered in. “You let the fire go out.” She glanced back at him in dis
gust. “And after I showed you how to do it.”

“I wasn't cold,” he said. It wasn't true. He was cold last night.

“Well, I'm cold, and it's only now getting dark. Sit at the table. You probably didn't eat, either.”

He sat at the table and waited while she built a new fire. Soon it was warm in the cabin again, and his mouth watered at the smell of the bacon she was cooking to go with the beans.

When she finished, she put the food before him and sat at the table watching him eat. The rain had stopped throbbing against the metal roof, and the quiet, coupled with the warmth of the fire, had coaxed a cricket out of hiding, and then another. He'd listened to the pair the night before, sometimes chirping together, but usually taking turns. Lying alone in the house, he'd wondered if they were trying to outdo each other or if they were just talking. Now, as they set to chirping once more, he smiled vaguely at their song.

“You've got to do a better job taking care of yourself,” she scolded as he shoveled beans into his mouth. “Otherwise you'll never survive.”

“I'll try harder next time.”

“Do,” she said.

She left the table for a while and came back as he was finishing up, opening her hands to set the two crickets on the table. He watched them take a few tentative hops. They'd stopped chirping, suddenly shy.

“Dessert,” she said.

“I don't like crickets,” he whined. “They tickle in my mouth.”

“That's because you don't kill them first,” she said.

From the corner of his eye, he watched her pick one up and
pinch its head precisely. Only when its legs stopped their frantic squirming did she pop the black-shelled creature into her mouth and crunch down on it.

“Just like that,” she said. “Now you try.”

He reached out for the remaining cricket, but it hopped out of reach. She retrieved it for him and held it out, dangling by one leg. Taking it from her, he held it tight until it stopped squirming. Then, looking away, he pinched, closing his eyes at the crush. His eyes still closed, he thrust it in his mouth, feeling it break apart as he chewed. She was rightâthey did go down better dead.

Opening his eyes, he looked back at his mother. She had the same look of disgust on her face as before.

“We've got a lot of work to do,” she said. “It's ridiculous, a boy your age, can't keep a fire going, can't even kill a cricket without squirming. And how old are you?”

“Five,” he whispered.

“That's right. Five years old. Shameful.”

C
HAPTER
O
NE

I met Amber two days after I throttled her boyfriend, Chris Parker. A week later we were in love. Or rather, I was in love with her. It took a while on her part. After all, she thought I was him.

Let me explainâI am a doppelganger.

Not many people have heard of us before. We're a pretty secretive race. So secretive, in fact, that I don't even know that much about us myself. Most of what I know about my kind I learned from my mother, and she wasn't all that informative. I can't even tell people my name. I don't have one. Not one I was born with, anyway. My mother always said names are worthless to a doppelganger. So the whole time I was growing up, she was she, and I was me, and that's as far as it ever got.

The problem is that doppelgangers are loners. We don't keep in touch. We don't call each other or send postcards. We would never e-mail. There's no annual doppelganger convention or home base or family reunion. When you're a doppelganger, you're on your own.

Maybe there just isn't much to know about us. We're pretty simple, actuallyâprimitive, one might sayâwhich is how we've managed to survive for so long.

But there are a few things to know. The most important is that we're shape-shifters. We can change the way we look, the sound of our voice; we can even change our sex, though we usually prefer not to. We're like chameleons, but taken to a higher level.

And it's a good thing we are shape-shifters, because in our natural state we're ugly as sin. Really hideous, to the point where we can barely stand to look at ourselves, let alone others of our kind. A doppelganger mother will even turn from her own child in disgust. I'm sure it's hard to imagine such a thingâafter all, a human mother will love even her ugliest childâbut with us it's true. It must be an evolutionary thing or something. If so, it works pretty wellâa doppelganger can rarely be found in its natural form. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw my mother in her own skin. Who knows, maybe I've just blocked the other times out of my head. Between the mottled, almost transparent flesh, the bulging eyes, and a face with no nose or mouth other than a few slimy slits, you've got the makings of a real freak. Actually, all those drawings of aliens recreated from people's so-called abductionsâthose things with the egg heads and spindly armsâthey're not aliens, they're doppelgangers. And those people who
think
they were abducted didn't go anywhereâthey were just lucky enough to have survived. That's my theory, anyway.

Which brings me to another important doppelganger fact: We're killers. Of people, that is. We prey on your
raceâstalking you, watching your moves, the places you go, learning the patterns of your life. Then, when we think we've got it down, we find a nice quiet little corner to strangle you in and take over. At least that's how it's supposed to work. Sometimes things get a little messy.

But if we're really good, no one can tell it's not you. We look like you, sound like you, even act like you. We take your life and live it in your place. And then, when we get bored or someone seems to be getting too close to the truth, we move on. Though, to be honest, we can only hold a form so long before we start to lose it. It takes a lot of strength to hang on to somebody's life. After a while it even starts to hurt.

Of course, the letting go can be just as bad. Trust me, I know.

Does this sound awful? Are we evil creatures? Monsters? I've been asking myself the question since I was old enough to wonder, and I still haven't figured it out. My mother would say no. In her view, our people have nothing to do with the concepts of good or evil. “Foolish human conventions,” she once called them. In her mind, we do what we do because that's who we are.

“Are we bad?” I remember asking one afternoon as I watched her break the neck of a rooster for our supper. I was eight, I think, and had recently learned the truth about doppelganger ways. “Are we bad for killing?”

She looked at me in disgust. “You've been watching too much TV,” she said, tossing me the limp bird to pluck. “That's a foolish question. The kind a human would ask.”

“Well, are we?” I pressed.

“Is the tiger evil when it kills the zebra? Is the shark
malicious for biting the swimmer? Does the bee sting out of wickedness?” she said.

I took her meaning. She felt it was our nature to killânothing more, nothing less. And it's true, it's not like we doppelgangers want to take over the world or enslave the human race or anything like that. Far from itâwe prefer to live quietly, below the radar. Still, it troubled me. Not because I didn't believe her, but because I did. Because I believed a doppelganger was supposed to obey its nature. That's what bothered me. For even back then, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to live by killing. Not like her.

Anyway, that's about it. There's only one other important thing to know about doppelgangers that I can think of. Since we keep to ourselves, we don't run into each other very often, but when we do, we know it. Even in human form, we can tell. It's like we can sniff each other out. If two doppelgangers of the same sex happen to meet, they'll more than likely ignore each other and move on. But if a heganger and sheganger come together, they're going to mate. It's practically unavoidableânature's way of ensuring the continuation of the species, I guess. My mother told me all about it not long before she kicked me out.

“Even if you don't want toâand you won'tâyou're going to couple,” she said, “and she will bear an offspring, just as I bore your miserable excuse of a being.”

“What was my father like?” I asked.

“Weak,” she said. “The males always are. But he was there, for that day of our coupling at least.”

“Did you have another child before me?” I asked her. I'd always wanted to know, and since she was in a rare talking mood, I figured I'd ask.

“Once. A long time ago,” she said.

“A boy or a girl?”

“I hardly remember.”

My mother wasn't exactly the warm and snuggly type. I didn't take it personally. I knew that's just how she was. She told me we were all that way, and since I'd never met another one of us, I took her at her word.

I also knew, without her even having to tell me, that I was a hindrance. Putting aside the fact thatâas she often put itâI was an embarrassment with no prospects, there was the simple matter that she'd been holed up with me in our cabin for the last sixteen years, rarely leaving except when the urges got too great to bear. Then she'd disappear for a day, maybe even two or three, and come back as someone else. It was enough to calm her, but not enough to truly satisfy. She wanted to be on the road again and alone, but she couldn't leave me. For though her urge to kill was strong, equally strong was the urge to make sure her offspring survived. Nature is funny that way.

Still, she must have been convinced I could make it on my own because she eventually got rid of me. I remember the moment she called me out one night onto the porch as she was preparing to leave.

“I'm going,” she said, watching me in the light of the open doorway. “There's a pack with some food in it on the counter. Enough for a few days. When I get back, you'd better be gone. I've babied you long enough.” She shook her head. “When I was your age, I'd already gone through three forms.”

“Where am I supposed to go?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Wherever you wantâI don't really care.
Just don't do anything stupid. And for heaven's sake, don't travel in the daylight, at least not until you've taken a form. I've had to look at you for sixteen years nowâyou're not a pleasant sight.”

“I guess this is good-bye, then,” I said. I tried to decide if I should thank her.

“Spare me the sentiment. And don't bother thanking me,” she said, as if reading my mind. “I tried to teach you, but as far as I can tell, it was a waste of time. You're my only failure in life. You're a weak one, even worse than your father.”

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“I suppose it's my fault. I shouldn't have let you watch all that TV. I figured it would keep you occupied, but it only made you soft, like a human. Still, you're a clever boy in your own way. Who knows, maybe you'll get by.”

With that, she headed down the porch steps. A minute later she'd driven away, and I haven't seen her since.

I went inside and saw the pack on the counter. I'd noticed it earlier in the afternoon, but hadn't thought anything of it. It had been sitting in front of me the whole time, waitingâthe signal of my departure. And now it was time to go.

I didn't feel too bad about it. I'd only left my immediate surroundings a half dozen times in my entire life. A change of setting was called for. And really, there wasn't much I'd miss there, least of all my mother. I even contemplated burning the place down before I left, just to spite her, but I realized it was pointless. Somehow I knew she wasn't coming back. Besides, I didn't want to toast my books. I'd read everything I could get my hands onâ
trashy paperbacks, supermarket tabloids, schoolbooks, even instruction manualsâand had amassed quite a little library in one corner of the cabin. Whenever my mother came back with a new car, I'd comb through it, looking for reading material. I almost took a few of the books with me, then decided against it. To bring some and not othersâit didn't seem fair.

What I really hated leaving was the TV. I liked my books well enough, but I'd miss our television the most. I took one last look at it before I left. I'd spent most of the last seven years watching it. It didn't matter what time of day it was or what was onâsoap operas, cartoons, newsâI took it all in. And my mother was perfectly happy to let meâit made her life easier, that's for sure.

I didn't really know where to go as I left the cabin, so I followed my momentum downhill, walking the half mile or so of our driveway to the main road, then crossing into the woods where I kept on walking. Night had fallen, but it wasn't bad goingâwith our bulbous eyes, doppelgangers can see almost as well in the dark as we can in the light. The rain had stopped, and it was actually quite peaceful in the woods. The night birds were calling to each other, and I could see a pair of deer drifting between the trees a ways off.

Maybe I could just stay here
, I thought. But I knew it was foolish. Necessity would drive me to civilization. Already I could feel it pulling me, like gravity, toward the lowest spot.

As I headed out into the world, I had no idea what lay ahead of me. I didn't know anything about Chris Parker, his sister, Echo, or his parents. I didn't know about the kids
at school, the teachers, the coaches, or any of that. Most of all, I didn't know about Amber or have a clue that in a few short weeks I would be in love with her. Why would I? Doppelgangers aren't supposed to fall in love. But then, like my mother said, I always was different. The question wasâcould I be different enough?

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