Double Blind (54 page)

Swept up in a sudden gust of fury and terror, Ethan pulled away from Randy and stormed back across the casino, ignoring Randy’s calls. He didn’t even know where he was headed until he got to the roulette table, but once he saw the spinning wheel, he knew what he was doing. He pulled out a handful of chips, ordered change, and put fifty dollars down.

On black.

And another stack on red.

“Slick, come on,” Randy said, coming up beside him. “Don’t do this. Don’t aggravate yourself.”

“I have perfect odds,” Ethan said, doggedly. He glared at the wheel. “One of them has to win.”

One of them had to lose too. But one would win. That would be enough.

Randy said nothing, but Ethan could feel his tension, and his displeasure. Ethan turned to him, ready to launch into a justification for himself when he saw Randy wince. Ethan turned, and saw the little white ball bouncing happily in the double zero.

Green. It hadn’t landed on red or black.

It had landed on
green
.

“I fucking hate roulette,” Randy murmured, but Ethan said nothing, just watched the dolly come down, feeling it hit the number like a punch in his gut. That wasn’t even comedic. It was ridiculous. Only two numbers on the whole table were green! It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t
fair
.

“It isn’t going to work,” Ethan whispered, the terror rising up inside him, full of teeth and claws and golden demon leers. “It isn’t going to work, and I’m not just going to look like a fool in front of all of Las Vegas—they’re going to
kill me
—”

Randy grabbed his arm and dragged him back across the floor, this time not letting him stop for anything, not until they were inside the elevator and the doors were closed. Then and only then did he let Ethan go, and only for a second, because the next thing Ethan knew, Randy was taking his face in his hands and pulling his face down so he could kiss him hard on the mouth. At first Ethan just stood there, still numb, and then he kissed back, at first hesitant, and then desperate. There was no arousal, or if there was, it was buried under fear, self-doubt, and a churning internal chaos he couldn’t stop.

Eventually it got the better of him, and he pulled back, gasping, his chest tight. “I’m so stupid,” he whispered.

“You aren’t,” Randy said, firmly. “It’s okay, Slick. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Ethan shot back. He shut his eyes, because everything was spinning. He had to get control, he knew that, but he couldn’t. There was something wrong with him. Something really wrong.

The elevator doors opened, and Ethan slipped out of Randy’s arms and stepped out. But when he would have gone into the safety of his office, Randy pulled him back to a corner by the bathroom.

“Not just now,” Randy said, gentling again. “Let’s stay here for now.”

“I don’t want anybody to see me like this,” Ethan ground out, and tried to pull away again.

Randy held him firmly back. “That’s why we’re staying here.” His hands kneaded, then drew Ethan toward him again. “Come on, baby. Just stay for a minute. Just stay here with me and pull yourself together.”

But Ethan was staring over his shoulder at his office door, still closed. “Who’s in there? What’s going on?”

“Just—just leave it for now, okay, hon? Just forget it for a minute.”

Ethan pushed off him and stormed to the door, then threw it open. The office was empty. “There’s nobody here,” he declared, annoyed, and turned to Randy to glare at him, and then he saw the other man’s face, and somehow that was how he figured it out.

Bugged. His office was bugged.

Red. Ethan literally saw red, like the whole world was reducing around his eyes, but he didn’t feel angry. He felt hot and numb, and that was it. He didn’t know how he reacted on the outside, just that it must have been bad because Randy was looking at him like he had that first night, like he was a powder keg that might blow up the whole city at any second. Except this time he didn’t tease Ethan out of it. This time he took his hands, his face full of concern—and love—and led him away from the door, down the hall, and into a closet. He pulled on a light above their heads, a single bulb swinging on a chain, and it filled the room with dim, dusty light, and then Randy drew him into the back corner, against a shelf, and they sank down together to the floor, Ethan going in defeat into Randy’s arms.

“I’m so stupid,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “So incredibly stupid.”

“You aren’t,” Randy said, stroking his shoulder and kissing his hair. “You just slowed down, baby. You said yourself you’re fine until you slow down.”

“There’s nowhere left to move,” Ethan ground out. “I’ve just been waltzing around like an idiot. Why are you all letting me? Why are you letting me make such a fool of myself? Why are you putting up with me when all I do is break down? I’m a farce! I’m ridiculous! Why aren’t you making fun of me?”

That last one seemed to hit Randy a little hard, and Ethan regretted it, but he didn’t have the strength to correct himself. He wanted to know. Why not? Why? Why was this happening? How had he gotten here? Why couldn’t he make it stop?

“You aren’t making a fool of yourself,” Randy said at last. “You’re amazing, Ethan. You’re fucking amazing. No one’s telling you to stop because we’re all too amazed. You’re making this place work, and it’s
good
. It’s
great
. You aren’t a fool. You’re like a god.”

“But I don’t know what it’s for!” Ethan cried, though it was a hoarse, desperate cry. “I don’t even know how! It’s just happening! I don’t know how to keep it happening, either, and people are starting to notice, and they’re going to find out! They’re going to find out I’m making it up! They’re going to laugh at me, Randy! And I deserve it!” His hands tightened on Randy’s T-shirt. “I’m betting on black, Randy! That’s all I’m doing! Or black and red and it’s going to come up green, just like that downstairs! How did it
do
that! It’s like a bad movie! It’s stupid!
I’m
stupid!”

“You are not stupid,” Randy said, but his voice was unsteady.

“I am,” Ethan said again, seizing on that weakness. “I am and you know it. That’s why you haven’t been saying anything. Because you know.” He laughed, bitterly. “Jesus Christ, Randy—I’m his puppet! I didn’t even know he had my office bugged, but you did! Why didn’t you say? Are you laughing too?”

“Fuck—” Randy swore under his breath. He was starting to sound panicked. “Jesus fuck,
no
, Slick. Fucking hell—no, I am not laughing at you!” He sighed and sank a little harder against Ethan. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I should have told you. But I thought it would be like making you slow down. Anyway, if he knew you knew—and I don’t know, really, I just assume, because it’s like him—he’d find some other way to do it.”

“Your house?” Ethan asked, and thought of the X-rated plays that went on there on a regular basis.

“I fucking hope not,” Randy said, irritated. “But maybe. Don’t think about it, Ethan. Please. It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters!” Ethan all but shouted. “It matters, because I’m an
idiot!
”

Randy grabbed his face and stared down into it. “You are not an idiot.”

“I am!” Ethan shot back. “I’m a big, stupid,
stupid
fucking idiot! Why the
hell
are you with me, Randy?”

He hadn’t meant to say that. He tried to look away, but Randy held his face, so he shut his eyes.
Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer,
he begged, silently, not wanting to hear it, not wanting this last part to fall, even though he knew it would, knew it had to—

His thoughts cut off as he felt a soft, gentle kiss land first against one eye, and then the other.

“I’m sorry,” Randy whispered. Now it was he who sounded broken. “I shouldn’t have roped you into this. I shouldn’t have introduced you to him. I should have been involved more, should have helped. I should have stopped this. Should have told you about the bug, should have fucking pulled my head out of my ass.” He stroked the sides of Ethan’s head, then sighed as he rested their foreheads together. “But you were doing so well. You still are. You were flying, Ethan, and I’m sorry, I got caught up in watching. I didn’t stop you, didn’t tell you, because you were doing such a good job, I thought you had to know how good you were. I didn’t think you needed me.”

Ethan laughed, a bitter, strangled sound.
Not need him?
The thought was so ridiculous he couldn’t even begin to address it.
I fucking need you, Randy. I need you. I love you. I love you, and I need you, so much that it’s probably bad. I love you more than I ever loved Nick, need you more than I needed him, and I’m scared, fucking scared, because I don’t know how—I don’t know what to do with that!

How can I ever be the man you see in me if I need you so much? How can it ever be anything more than a lie? And how can you love a lie, Randy?

How can you love me when I can barely love myself?

This, all this churned and bubbled inside him. How the hell was he supposed to say that?

I need you,
he tried to say, to keep it simple.

But when he opened his mouth, something swept up and stopped it, and tears came out instead.

That drew him out of his swirl of despair when nothing else could, and he swiped angrily at them. “I never cried,” he whispered angrily. “I never cried for years, and now it’s all I do!”

Randy’s laugh was wicked, but rueful. “I know, baby.” He kissed Ethan’s forehead. “I know exactly what you mean. But don’t, sweetheart. I know I shouldn’t say that, but don’t. I can’t bear to see it. Because if you cry, I’ll fall apart, and then I don’t have anything left to impress you with, if I can’t even be strong for you.”

You’ll always impress me, Randy, no matter what you do. You’re always strong for me. You’re strongest, actually, when you hold me like this, and go all soft and tender.
But he couldn’t say this, either. He couldn’t even say half of it.

He could only shudder, sigh, and sink against his lover. He buried his face in Randy’s neck, curled his fingers around his shoulders, and held on.

“I love you,” he whispered, finally, because he couldn’t bear saying nothing at all.

Randy softened around him. “I love you too, baby.” He held Ethan for a minute, then laughed, softly, and kissed his hair. “We’ve got to get out of this pit we fell into, Slick.”

Ethan grunted and pressed his forehead against Randy’s shoulder. “If we leave the pit, we have to face the mess.”

Randy’s hand stroked his hair. “What’s messy, baby? Because I can’t see it. Tell me what’s messy, so I can help.”

Ethan didn’t even know anymore. “I’m Crabtree’s stooge,” he said, because it was the part bugging him the most. “He’s laughing at me, because I’m so stupid.”

“No,” Randy said. “He would never use his casino like that. It isn’t his in name, but it’s his in his heart.” He paused, then added, “Ethan—you might as well know. Crabtree and Billy Senior were lovers.”