Downsizing (36 page)

She climaxed almost immediately, her fingers
gouging his back as she lost herself in the rarefied atmosphere of
sexual release for the very first time. Face contorted with
passion, Noah followed her over the edge.

“
I think you have some explaining
to do,” Noah said afterward, holding her close. “Why didn’t you
tell me, Max?”

“
It’s hardly the sort of thing to
mention in conversation over a drink in the local pub.”

“
But why haven’t you ever? You
must have had plenty of offers.”

“
Never found a man who made me
feel the way you do,” she said with transparent honesty. “That’s
partly why I came back. I thought if I could just see you again,
hopefully you’d have grown fat and ugly and I’d be able to get over
you. When that didn’t work I tried dating different men in the hope
that one of them might grow on me.” She shrugged. “But none of them
did.”

“
Well, I’ll try and make it up to
you for what you’ve missed out on.” He looked at her intently. “But
you ought to know that that was a first for me tonight as
well.”

She made a scoffing sound at the back of her
throat. “Oh, come on, Noah, it’s me you’re talking to!”

“
I’m serious, Max.” He settled her
more comfortably on his shoulder. “Don’t you remember our
conversation all those years ago when you accused me of having lots
of women? I told you then that it was just fucking. Well, it was
true. That’s all it’s ever been for me. I’ve never loved anyone but
you, so it must follow that I’ve never made love
before.”

There were tears in her eyes when she looked
up at him. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Noah. I
love you, too, and I always have.”

Noah chuckled. “No wonder you looked so unsure
of yourself when I asked you to put that condom on me. How come you
had a supply of them at the ready?”

“
I got them out of the machine in
the ladies room at the pub today,” she admitted, blushing. “I’d
already decided that if you really meant what you said to me last
night then we’d seal the arrangement.”

“
That’s my girl!” He offered her a
searing kiss but emerged from it frowning. “What about Greg? I
thought you and he were an item, damn him!”

She laughed out loud. “Noah, Greg’s my
greatest friend, and I love him unreservedly, but you’re more his
sort romantically than I am. He’s gay,” she explained when he
continued to look at her blankly.

“
Is he really? Good God, I never
would have guessed.”

“
It was a surprise to me, as well.
He doesn’t advertise his sexuality but doesn’t hide it anymore
either. He’s got a partner who’s an interior designer with a
business in Southampton. That’s partly why Greg comes here so
often. He stops by on his way to see Paul.”

“
I see.” He smiled and kissed her
again. “He sure had me fooled when he arrived that day and found us
in the garden together.”

Maxine laughed. “He knew all about my feelings
for you. I often used to stay over at his place in Cambridge, and
you ought to know that I never went anywhere, even for a night,
without your picture.” She shrugged, looking self-conscious.
“Pathetic isn’t it?”

“
I don’t think it’s the slightest
bit pathetic.” He reached for his jeans and searched out his
wallet. He opened it to a picture of the boys but on the other side
there was one of her in her fat days. “See!”

“
Yuck, I was gross!”

“
You were not.”

She winced.

“
Max, are you sure you’re all
right? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

She leaned up on one elbow and smiled at him.
“I’ve never felt more fulfilled,” she assured him. “Speaking of
which, how long can you stay?”

“
Hey,” he laughed, squeezing the
breast that had fallen conveniently into his hand. “You need to
take it easy. Besides, I need some recovery time even if you
don’t.”

“
Spoil sport!”

Noah padded downstairs, found a bottle of wine
in the fridge, and returned to the bedroom with it. Comfortably
propped against the headboard, they talked of inconsequential
matters, both of them instinctively avoiding the subject of Cassie.
Noah couldn’t prevent himself from thinking about her, though. He
had a horrible feeling that he wasn’t supposed to be this happy, so
when the phone rang and Maxine leaned across him to answer it,
telling him it was Charles for him, he was already anticipating
problems.

He listened to Charles with a false sense of
calm, replaced the receiver, and slowly turned to face
Maxine.

“
I have to go to the hospital,” he
told her listlessly. “Cassie just tried to kill
herself.”

Chapter
Twenty-Four

Noah felt totally disconnected from
reality
.
He’d just made love to the woman whom he was now
determined would become a permanent part of his life. His existence
was no longer one-dimensional. For the first time other
considerations than the welfare of his children came into the
picture. The boys already interacted with Maxine in a way that he’d
never seen them do with their own mother, forcing him to question
his long-held belief that they
had
to be better off with a
full set of parents.

Jaw jutting pugnaciously as he drove along the
quiet streets, he vowed to somehow find a way to keep the children
with him. He’d fight his wife if she stood in his way, fight the
authorities. Do whatever it took. And he’d do it all with Maxine at
his side. He was through with hiding.

It was these thoughts that occupied Noah’s
mind as he prepared to deal with Cassie’s latest drama. He arrived
at the hospital, asked at reception for directions to her room, and
found Charles waiting for him. Cassie lay in bed, a saline drip
attached to her arm. Her eyes fluttered open briefly when Noah
walked in and then immediately closed again. With a small sigh she
appeared to fall asleep.

“
What happened?” Noah asked
wearily.

“
I got home at about ten,” he
said. “Madeleine said Cassie had gone to bed early, which for some
reason made me uneasy.” He rubbed his jaw. “She’d been restless all
day, and I knew she must be desperate for a drink, so I went to
check on her. Her door was locked and there was no answer when I
knocked, which was when I started to get really worried. I was
wondering what to do when I heard sounds from her bathroom, as
though she was being violently sick.”

“
She’d been drinking, I
suppose.”

“
Yes, that’s what I assumed.
Fortunately I have copies of all the keys so I could let myself
into her room.” He shook his head, visibly moved. “It wasn’t a
pretty sight, Noah. She’d taken a full bottle of vodka from my
study and used it to wash a handful of aspirin down.”

“
But she was sick?”

“
Yes. She only toyed with her
dinner, if you recall. I suppose that much vodka on an empty
stomach, plus the cocktail of pills, caused her insides to
rebel.”

“
Just as well.” Noah glanced at
the sleeping form of his wife, her face peaceful and unlined in a
way that it hadn’t been for months. “God, she must have been
feeling desperate. I’m to blame, I guess.”

“
It’s not your fault.”

“
Yeah, it is. Will she be all
right?”

“
Yes, she brought up all the pills
so they didn’t need to pump her stomach. The drip is just to
re-hydrate her. She should wake up in the morning with nothing
worse than a severe hangover.”

Noah sat down and rubbed his face with his
hands. “What am I going to do about her, Charles? I can’t go on
like this. It’s not fair to her, me, or the kids.”

“
I’ve been thinking about that,
and have a suggestion to make. There’s a private clinic on the
outskirts of Winchester, run by a pal of mine, and I think we
should book her in there.”

“
What is it, a rehab
place?”

“
Yes, they’ll certainly dry her
out, but that’s not all she needs. My friend who runs the place is
a psychiatrist.”

Noah suspected that the strain, the weight of
responsibility, he could detect in Charles’s eyes must also be
evident in his own. “You think there’s something wrong inside her
head?”

“
I can’t say for sure—it’s not my
field—but she certainly seems to have a problem dealing with
reality. If we didn’t know it before, then her unwillingness to
admit that you’re not Josh’s biological father certainly raises the
possibility. I’m not always a great fan of psychiatry. I think all
that prodding at hidden secrets sometimes does more harm than
good.” He sighed, looking and sounding exhausted. “But in Cassie’s
case, I reckon we’ve got nothing to lose by trying.”

“
You think there’s stuff buried
inside her head that needs to come out?”

“
I’m been willing to bet there’s a
Pandora’s Box in there that’s long overdue for opening.” He lifted
his brows. “I’m not sure I want to know what’s in it, but I suppose
it has to be faced.”

“
Can you force her to go? Won’t
she need to agree?”

“
Yes, but after what she’s done to
herself today, if she doesn’t agree to go voluntarily I think I can
persuade the powers that be to commit her.”

“
Do you think she really intended
to kill herself, or was it just a cry for help? A way to get the
attention focused back on her.”

“
I do think she was serious.”
There was a break in Charles’s voice, causing Noah a pang of guilt.
“Fortunately she bungled it, but being desperate enough to try goes
a long way to showing how disturbed her mind is and we need to get
to the bottom of her psychosis.”

“
So, do you want me to suggest it
to her in the morning?”

“
No, Noah, I think you should go
home to the boys, and I’ll stay here tonight. In the morning I’ll
talk it through with her and then give you a ring when she’s made a
decision. She’ll probably want to see you.”

Noah nodded but remained silent. In spite of
the fact that Charles was convinced Cassie was serious about taking
her own life, Noah still wondered if she was just trying to play
him.

“
The Lexington Clinic is very a
very tranquil place. Better than most five-star hotels I’ve stayed
in,” Charles said, as though he was trying to convince himself that
he was doing the right thing. “It ought to be,” he added with a
snort, “given the fees they charge.”

“
It doesn’t matter what it
costs.”

“
No it doesn’t matter to you,
Noah, because I’ll take care of that.” He waved away Noah’s
objections. “I insist. She’s my daughter, after all, and she’s
already caused you enough pain.”

“
All right, Charles, we won’t
fight about that.” Noah stood to leave, suddenly feeling
overwhelmingly tired. “Are you sure you want me to go?”

“
Yes, Noah, get home in case the
boys wake up. I’ll be fine here.”

Noah’s first instinct was to go back to Maxine
and share news of Cassie’s situation. The thought of talking it
through with someone who’d understand was compelling. But he wasn’t
free to do as he liked, at least not quite yet. Before he started
his car he made do with calling her. She listened to his account of
Cassie’s desperate attempt to take her own life without
interrupting, expressing sympathy, and agreeing that the clinic was
probably the best option.

He smiled into the phone, feeling all the
relief of a burden shared. Cassie must have been totally desperate
to try to kill herself, but whatever lies she’d told in the past,
whatever she’d done to cause the rift in a marriage that shouldn’t
ever have taken place, it wasn’t worth dying for.

“
I love you,” he said.

“
And I love you, Noah. Be strong
and we’ll get through this.”

“
Together, Max, we’ll get through
it together.”

Noah pocketed his phone, smiling in spite of
the gravity of his problems. Just knowing that Maxine was there for
him eradicated his tiredness, and he drove home feeling
invigorated, ready to do whatever had to be done to make his life
complete.

* * * *

Charles phoned Noah in the middle of the
following morning. Cassie was awake and wanted to see him. As he
climbed into his car to make the journey to the hospital for what
felt like the hundredth time during the past week, Noah knew it was
crunch time. He didn’t doubt that Cassie would renew her promises
to be a better wife and mother if only they could wipe the slate
clean and she was given the opportunity to prove herself. He also
knew she’d mean it—for the time being. No matter how delicate she
was feeling, he wasn’t about to make promises he had no intention
of honoring. Charles was right. The time had come for Cassie to
face up to her problems without leaning on him or using the
children to get what she wanted.

He found Cassie dressed and sitting in a chair
beside her bed, her father at her side. She looked small and pale,
but her face lit up when she saw Noah.

“
How do you feel?” he asked, not
touching her.

She pulled a face. “I have a
headache.”