Dr. Campbell's Secret Son (12 page)

‘OK, you can stay for a while—just this once. We do need to talk about Calum so I suppose tonight is as good a time as any. First I need to finish drying him properly.’

Sarah had lit a fire against the cooling autumnal nights and she reclaimed her son before setting him down on the changing mat she had placed at a safe distance from the hearth. Using the towel, she carefully dried between the baby’s toes and folds. Calum squealed with pleasure, kicking with delight in his naked freedom.

Jamie looked at the two figures he was already beginning to think of as his family. The soft light of the flames and the standard lamp cast a glow around the room, chasing the last of the shadows that had hung over him before. Now everything was as it should be, or it would be once he had explained everything. Already he regretted the months of Calum’s life that he had missed. Why had he been such a fool? Why hadn’t he had the guts to take the test earlier? He would have known that he was free to pursue Sarah and he would have been there for her throughout the pregnancy and birth. He could only begin to imagine how hurt she must’ve been to not have told him that she was pregnant. And if she had? What then? He would have told her the truth and probably tried to convince her to have a termination. He felt his blood run cold at the mere possibility that his child might never have been.

‘Could you watch him? I’m just going to fetch his pyjamas and bottle.’ Sarah asked.

She left Jamie crouched over Calum making faces that had her son—their son—smiling. She didn’t quite know how she felt about Jamie being there. Had he decided that he wanted to be involved in his child’s life after all? And if so, how did she feel about that? She rummaged in a drawer for Calum’s pyjamas, pulling out her favourite pair. Tiny blue rabbits frolicked on a white background. She walked back to the sitting room. Jamie had lifted Calum onto his lap. The child fixed his large brown eyes on Jamie’s. They seemed in a world of their own. Sarah felt her throat tighten as she took in the scene. She could no longer doubt the affection Jamie had for his child.

She went to the kitchen and tested the temperature of the bottle she had left warming. She had stopped breastfeeding when she had returned to work, but missed the closeness of having the skin-to-skin contact that breastfeeding had involved. Yet another sacrifice she had made in order to return to work. Had it been worth it? If she hadn’t gone back to work when she had, would she have missed Jamie’s return to the UK? Believing him still in Africa, would she ever have told him about his son? Even now she didn’t know what she was going to do about Jamie. She could tell from the way that he looked at Calum that he was smitten. But as far as she knew, he was still planning to go back to Africa. It wouldn’t be fair on her son to have a father who dipped in and out of his life. No, Jamie had some tough choices to make. She had to make him see that.

Calum was looking calm and settled when she retrieved him from Jamie and slipped his pyjamas on. His little body was warm from his bath and the fire. He sucked drowsily at the bottle, his eyes beginning to close in sleep. Jamie and Sarah sat quietly as Calum finished his drink and surrendered himself to sleep. Sarah popped him in his cot, turning on the nightlight and leaving the door slightly ajar in case he woke up. By the time she returned to the sitting room Jamie had stoked the fire, which blazed cheerfully. Her thoughts flew back to that last night before Jamie had left for Africa—the night their son had been conceived.

‘OK, you can start. I assume you’re here to talk about Calum?’

She could see that Jamie was struggling to find words. Perhaps he had come to tell her he was returning to Africa sooner than planned? Once more she felt her heart sink at the prospect. Could she really bear to lose him again?

‘There is something I have to tell you,’ Jamie began. ‘If you can, please, hear me out before saying anything.’

Mutely Sarah nodded her head. Here it was. The goodbye scene all over again.

‘My father died three years ago. You know that. But what you didn’t know was that he died from Huntington’s chorea.’

Sarah couldn’t help a gasp of surprise. Why hadn’t he told her? Her heart began to race as she realised the full implications of Jamie’s words.

‘It’s OK.’ He rushed on, seeing Sarah’s expression. ‘I have just found out that I don’t carry the gene. That’s what I was doing when I took syringes and needles from the department.’

‘Why on earth didn’t you tell me before?’

‘I couldn’t, Sarah. I’m sorry. I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to know whether I carried the gene. I didn’t want to lead my life knowing what could be in store for me. And I couldn’t ask you to be with me for the same reason. What if I had it? I would never have allowed you to sacrifice your life to look after me. I would never have stopped you from having the children you so clearly wanted. And children weren’t an option for me as long as I thought there was any chance I carried the gene and could pass it on.’

Sarah’s mind reeled from what Jamie was telling her. Why couldn’t he have told her? Had he that little faith in her? Of course he had always been protective of her, but this was too much. He should have trusted her. Her thoughts veered away from the thought of her son having a terminal illness. If she had known when she’d been pregnant, would she have gone through with the pregnancy? It would have been another thing to think of on top of the raised alpha fetoprotein. The possibility of her child having both genetic disorders might have been enough to make her reconsider going ahead. And if she hadn’t? She felt ill.

‘So you can see why I was horrified to discover that I had fathered a child. But once I knew, of course there was no option but for me to take the test.’

‘You should have told me, Jamie. Why couldn’t you have trusted me? Did you think my feelings were so shallow that I would run at the first sign of trouble?’ she said sadly.

‘It’s because I knew you wouldn’t run that I couldn’t tell you. You would have stayed with me regardless. You are that type of woman and I couldn’t have borne your pity.’

‘Did you pity your father? Is that how your mother felt about him?’

‘No, my mother loved my father. But it wasn’t easy on her, watching him deteriorate in front of her, knowing she was helpless to prevent the illness from claiming him. She spent the last couple of years of his life as his full-time carer. She wouldn’t let me employ nurses to help. Said my father’s care was her responsibility. That she needed to be the one to look after him. But looking after him took its toil on her health, mental and physical.’ Jamie took a ragged breath, remembering how his arguments and entreaties had fallen on deaf ears.

‘Isn’t that what love is about, Jamie?’ Sarah said quietly. ‘Isn’t that what people promise when they take their vows—“in sickness and in health”?’

‘That’s just it. You would have made those vows. And stuck by them. No matter how trapped you felt. My mother had no life of her own. And, no, I didn’t pity my father. I just felt helpless. What was the point of all those years of medical training if there was nothing I could do to help? So you see, I couldn’t have a child. Not knowing if I’d end up a burden on them. Never mind the chances of them inheriting the disease. Rightly or wrongly, I made up my mind.’

‘Did you think of your father as a burden?’

‘It would have been a privilege to do anything for him. But he would never let me. He was a proud man. He would only let my mother look after him,’ Jamie said, unable to disguise the pain in his voice.

‘And you’ve found out that you’re OK. What now?’

‘Now we can be a family. A real family. You, me and Calum. Isn’t that what you have always wanted?’

‘Is it?’ she said quietly. Jamie seemed oblivious to the ice in her tone.

‘You and Calum can come back to Africa with me. You can give up work or work part time. You’ll love it there. It’ll give you all the time you want to spend with Calum.’

‘And why would I do that? What about my life here? My work, my friends, my mother?’

‘It’ll only be for a couple of years at first. Your mother and friends can come and visit. And as for your work—you’ll find the work in Africa just as, if not more, rewarding.’

‘I think you should leave now, Jamie,’ Sarah said softly.

He looked at her in surprise. Clearly this wasn’t the reaction he had been expecting. Suddenly she couldn’t hold back the anger any longer.

‘You waltz in here, telling me that you have decided that my son and I should give up our lives and go back with you to Africa. You disappear from my life without any real explanation, leaving me to deal with pregnancy, birth and looking after a small child on my own. OK, OK.’ She held up her hands to stop his response. ‘I know you didn’t know I was pregnant, but that’s hardly the point, is it? You could have made enquiries about me. We have colleagues in common. Weren’t you the slightest bit interested in how I was coping? In my life—my career? Then you saunter back into my life and nearly make love to me before rejecting me—again.’ She stopped his words again. ‘OK, so I did give you some encouragement. But you caught me at a weak moment. Then, after showing little interest in your son, you find out that he is hale and hearty after all. So it now suits you to have him in your life. But worst of all, instead of coming here, grovelling for forgiveness, you come in, demanding that I give up
my
life and follow you to Africa like some kind of…’ She paused to draw breath. ‘Some kind of groupie!’ she spat finally. She stood, indicating the door. ‘Now, before I say anything I might regret, I think you should leave, don’t you?’

* * *

Well, Jamie thought as he walked back to his flat, that hadn’t gone exactly as planned. He had to admit he had been so delighted that he didn’t have the gene that he hadn’t really stopped to think about Sarah’s reaction. Of course it was bound to be a shock to her. He had been a blundering, insensitive fool. He should have broken the news more gently. Taken his time. Waited for the right moment. Considered his words. But, dammit, Sarah and his son were going to be a part of his future—his future in Africa. Once more he mulled over what she had said, that she had made a life and a career for herself in Glasgow. Was he being fair to ask her to leave everything she had worked so hard to achieve? But there wasn’t really an option. He was committed to at least another year of his contract and he couldn’t leave Sibongele just yet—not until he knew that the boy’s future was secure. There was so much Sarah could do in Africa. She would love it there—he was sure of it—if only she would give it and him a chance.

Jamie sighed. He would just have to use what little time he had left to convince her. He had forgotten what a prickly and stubborn soul she was. But he would be patient. He was pretty sure she still had feelings for him, although, he admitted ruefully, tonight she had kept them pretty well hidden if she still did. He gave a wry smile as he thought back to the image of Sarah standing in front of him, cheeks blazing. She had always been a passionate woman. Not least in bed. And he was determined that shortly she’d be back where she belonged. Back in his bed and his life. But this time for good.

CHAPTER SEVEN

T
HE
day of Lizzie’s wedding dawned cool but clear. Autumn was turning into winter, the trees scattering carpets of gold, bronze and red everywhere. The sun shone on one of those perfect crisp days that drew visitors to Scotland from all over the world.

Sarah had spent the last couple of days mulling over what Jamie had told her. Once she had cooled down, she allowed herself to feel a little sympathy for Jamie’s predicament. It must have been terrible to live your life not knowing what the future held in store. And to watch the deterioration of the health, physical and mental, of someone you loved, knowing that despite your medical training you were powerless to do anything, must have been awful for a man like Jamie.

If he had told her, what would she have done? He was right in one respect. She would never have left him. She would have tried to persuade him to have the test, and if it had been positive she would have given up her dream of having children. She had loved him that much. But had he loved her? Surely if he had, he would have fought for a life together. He could never have simply have walked away from her without at least having the courage to find out whether they could have a future.

But to be fair, she could understand why Jamie had kept the truth from her. He wasn’t the kind of man who would have allowed anyone to sacrifice their life. Still, it hadn’t been only his decision to make. He should have trusted her. If he had loved her enough, surely he would have? At least found out whether he had the gene before deciding to give her up.

And now—did he really want to be part of her life, or was it just Calum he was interested in? And should that not be enough? Did she have the right to deny her son the chance to know his father? But Jamie hadn’t said anything about staying. From what she could gather, he still intended to go back to Africa. With or without her and Calum.

Jamie hadn’t sought her out over the last couple of days. The department had been busy and there were always other staff about. But surely he could have tried harder to see her and Calum in the evenings? Or was he waiting, respecting her need for time before he put any more pressure on her?

She didn’t know the answer to any of her questions. She felt exhausted from the sleepless nights where she had lain tossing and turning, trying to decide what to do.

Reluctantly Sarah had allowed her mother to persuade her to go to Lizzie’s wedding reception.

‘You need some fun, darling,’ she had coaxed. ‘Some time to enjoy yourself. You’re not doing yourself or Calum any good by working so hard.’

Most days, it had been all Sarah could do to get herself home in time to play with Calum before feeding him, bathing him and putting him to bed. Once he was in bed, Sarah usually had energy only for a light snack, before stumbling off to bed herself. No wonder she was losing weight.

Lizzie had added her entreaties to those of Sarah’s mum. ‘I’ve spoken to Jean and invited her, too. She’s suggested that she come for a couple of hours and then take Calum home with her so that you can relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. All you’ll be missing of Calum is the time he’s usually asleep.’ She had peered into Sarah’s face, noting the dark circles under her eyes. ‘You’ve been working too hard, girl. You deserve a break.’ She had searched Sarah’s eyes. ‘Or is there something else? Something bothering you? Do you need to talk? You know, Sarah, I’ve been so caught up in wedding arrangements I haven’t being paying attention to anyone else.’