Dr. Neruda's Cure for Evil (18 page)

I did not step forward and announce to everyone that I still loved my father and mother, that I had worked so hard to win the chess game in order to keep my uncle happy with me, that although I smiled when Bernie said I was going to begin Hebrew school to prepare for my Bar Mitzvah, I didn’t believe in God and certainly not in the notion that I was Jewish, fully Jewish. Instead, I interrupted the scolded silence of the Rabinowitzes—shamed by hearing Bernie say I had the will to use my brains (with its implication that they did not)—and I asked Julie in a solemn voice, “Do you play chess?”

She looked confused.

Danny said, “Girls don’t like to play chess.”

Julie said, “That’s ridiculous. I just don’t know how.”

“I can teach you,” I said, moving toward the hall. “Come with me.”

“Some other time, Rafe. We have to
get
going,” Uncle Harry said and groaned as he rose from his chair. Inspired, there was a general commotion of goodbyes. They were relieved to go. They worshipped Uncle, but there were no comfortable benches in his temple.

I seized this moment of general noise and movement to slip up to Julie. I got on my toes to bring my mouth near her ear, exposed by the backward sweep of her hairdo. I admired its small perfect form and whispered to it, “I love you.” She turned toward me in surprise, opening her lips. Yet before she could speak, I quickly, more like a stab than a caress, kissed her cheek and hurried away, frightened.

Heart pounding, I hid in the pantry and ignored the faint calls for me to come out to say goodbye. I had allowed Julie (and whoever else might have seen) a peek at my real feelings. I was in a panic, afraid I had lost control. I stayed hidden behind stacked cases of soda, particularly because I could distinguish Julie’s voice above the others, mispronouncing my name as she wished me well.

Eileen had the night off. Once the guests were out the front door, Uncle Bernie—not Aunt Charlotte—called out that it was time for me to go to bed.

I emerged from my hiding place.
“You’re
putting me to bed?” I asked as I approached Bernie in the kitchen.

“Think I don’t know how? I put your mother and her brothers and sisters to bed a thousand times. Mama and Papa Sam used to work late at the store. At your age I was in charge of getting everybody to eat dinner, clean up, do their homework, and get into bed.”

“Really?” We were walking down the hallway of Papa Sam’s old wing, toward my bedroom.

Bernie laughed, a deep chord of pleasure. “Can’t picture it, huh? You bet I did. Mama and Papa had to work to all hours at night. So I was the Little Father of the family.”

I took his hand, his monkey’s paw, strong, thick and warm, the knuckles decorated by fine black hairs. “I’m sorry, Uncle,” I said and meant it.

We had reached my room. The chess set he had given me was on my bed, the pieces set up to move 14 of José Raul Capablanca’s first win of the World Championship Match against Steinitz. In the box of chess books Uncle had given me there was a collection of Capablanca’s best games. He was a Cuban prodigy, a world-class competitor while a mere child, a champion as a teenager, and one of the greatest players of all time as an adult. I was infatuated with his games, identifying, or wishing to identify, with a Latin genius, and, of course, genuinely moved by Capablanca’s purity and grace as a tactician. He was the Mozart of the game, a beautiful killer. Uncle looked at the pieces, frozen in the combat of giants, as if their presence were an affront. I assumed the mess bothered him. I let go of his hand and said hurriedly, “I’ll clean it up.”

“Sorry for what?” his voice asked after me as I swept away Capablanca’s army. “You said you were sorry. Sorry for what?”

I had to think. I had forgotten what we were talking about. Remembering, I explained, “I’m sorry you had to take care of everybody when you were so little.” I finished putting the chess set away. I turned back to Uncle. His round infant’s head was cocked, curious and somewhat timid.

“I didn’t mind taking care of them,” he said. “I’ll tell you something.” Bernie sat in the child-size folding chair at the pine desk near the window. It had a view of the tennis court. Beyond there was a slice of the circular driveway. The headlights of one of our relative’s cars bounced as it swung toward the main road. Uncle looked huge in the small seat. I sat on my bed, attentive. “I’m still taking care of them. I’m still tucking them in and checking their homework.” There was a note of discovery in his voice. He raised his eyebrows and grinned with regret.

“I’m sorry,” I said again. I was sincere, although not honest. I felt sorry for him. What else did he know but control? He was obliged to be in charge from when he was my age. I knew how hard that was: I remembered the loneliness and fear of being on my own for just two nights and days. I admired my uncle, despite the dubious morality of his success. I understood that the survival of his family had depended on his ability to harness capitalism’s power.

He woke up from his contemplation. “Why are you sorry? I liked being in charge.”

“I’m sorry ’cause you didn’t have a choice,” I said.

He bowed at that, as if I had produced an idol he was obliged to worship. He twisted his wedding ring again and again, eyes fixed on its gold. “Are you happy here?” he asked and looked up at me.

I was afraid of his question. Was it a prelude to bad news? I didn’t believe for one moment that I could allow myself to express any ambivalence. “It’s great here!” I said with a piercing note of enthusiasm worthy of the Broadway stage.

Bernie straightened. His worried grin opened to a smile.

“Thank you so much, Uncle,” said Little Orphan Rafe. I rushed toward him, partly to hide my face from the pressure of his gaze, as well as to let go of the real gratitude I didn’t want to feel. What an alloy of manipulation and reality I was. (At the time, I believed I was a total liar.) I hugged him with abandon, pushing my face into his blue silk tie and Turnbull & Asser white shirt.

“Oh, that’s okay, boy,” his cello rumbled with regret. He squeezed me tight. “You’re such a polite and good boy. You don’t have to thank me. I didn’t mean that.” Gently, he urged me off from the finery of his clothes. I was crying. From stress more than anything else: the dread that yet another horror was about to happen. “You’re welcome to stay here no matter what, until Ruthie—until your Mom gets well—or even longer if she likes. Maybe she’ll come and live here too. But is there anything wrong? Anything you want to be different?”

I moved away from Uncle with my face averted. I controlled the tears, relieved there was no bad news. The emotional release and his kind reaction encouraged me, but only some. To repeat: I couldn’t be sure that I could afford to admit to a single genuine desire.

“You can tell me,” he played low. “I won’t get angry.”

“Can I see my Mom?” I asked fast, as if the speed would somehow make the request less of a risk. It had been more than a month. I wondered sometimes if she was still alive. They talked about her as if she were, but that hardly reassured me. I knew that grown-ups lied, especially about important things.

“Well, she’s at the hospital and I don’t think they allow children to—”

“Okay, forget it,” I said fast, hurrying to reel in my request. I yanked hard, hoping a quick retraction might also remove the memory of its existence. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth. There was no obstacle capitalism could put in place that my uncle couldn’t have removed for his convenience.

“You miss her,” he said as if this were a surprise. Was he surprised that he couldn’t completely replace her for me? Or was he surprised that
he
didn’t miss her? I think his lack of feeling for her, and the enjoyment of raising her child, was a mystery to his conscious mind. Although only nine years old, thanks to a boy’s understanding of competition, more intimate and honest than any adult’s, I understood there was some pleasure for my uncle in my mother’s psychotic breakdown: the pleasure of winning, a clear confirmation of his superiority. Of all the siblings only Ruth had spurned his help and now she had to accept it, to submit her most precious possession to his control.

“Not too much,” I said and almost believed the lie.

“What about your father? Do you want to see him?”

I was on full alert now. In the primary imagery of the paranoid and apocalyptic sixties, my bombers flew to their fail-safe positions and prepared for nuclear conflict. “No,” I said.

“Why not?”

Why not? My God, I hadn’t thought up a why not. I used the child’s best defense. “I dunno,” I mumbled. “I’m tired,” I said.

“Think about it. You can go to sleep in a minute. Don’t you want to see your father?”

I shrugged again and fell onto my bed. There was an unquiet silence, the false stillness of an ambush. From my sideways view of Uncle he remained in a fixed position on the child’s chair, elbows resting on his legs, his Buddha head in his hands, contemplating me. I wasn’t going to stop his interrogation that easily. “Am I going to visit Grandma and Grandpa this summer?” I asked in an innocent tone.

I was a good tactician. Bernie’s focus was disrupted by my introduction of Jacinta and Pepín. He sat up and released me from his stare. “Your father’s parents,” he said and paused at the fact, as if it had a significance he understood only then.

“I always visit them in the summer.” Whenever I re-read my father’s letter, I wondered if something that he alluded to—a secret method for my mother to get a message to him—might be known to Jacinta and Pepín. But I didn’t have the nerve to ask Bernie to allow me to phone them. Besides, I was discouraged by the fact that they hadn’t called or written me.

“I thought you wanted to go to summer camp,” Uncle said. We both knew that was an evasion. He was embarrassed by it himself. He stood up, went over to the window and pulled the cream-colored drapes closed.

“Does camp go the whole summer?” I prodded.

“Well, well figure this all out. Hey, it’s very late. Hurry up and get into your pajamas.”

I rushed to do so. I picked out light blue cotton Brooks Brothers pajamas. Of course, the store label had resonance for me, sending out a strong vibration of both my parents. Holding the fabric, I could hear the voices in lively argument—funny, passionate, and clearly audible above the hubbub of their communist friends. I remembered the surf of New York City’s traffic and I felt their breath on my cheeks as they dispensed good-night kisses.

While I stepped into the bottoms, Aunt Charlotte walked in. I hurried to cover up. It seemed to me she looked at my penis with an almost scientific dispassion, but I’m confident this is a notion of my premature sexualization. It’s fair to say that I had little more than the status of a servant in her eyes, only I was extra trouble since I took up more time and energy than the lazy cook or incompetent maid. I don’t think she really noticed my nakedness. But she did have a male member in mind.

“It’s late,” she said to her husband in a scolding and suggestive tone. “I’m going to bed now. Aren’t you coming up?”

“Just want to tuck Rafe in,” Uncle answered in a sheepish, unmusical voice. I was surprised by the meek tone with which he answered his wife. I had little experience of their relationship. He rarely talked to Aunt Charlotte when I was around, mostly because they weren’t often together, usually only on state occasions such as that day and thus when they had their guests to entertain. I knew she wanted him to join her upstairs for the pleasure a man could give a woman. I understood in a way that normal children couldn’t have. His abashed response interested me. Was there something frightening about having sex with her? I looked at her, considering this side of their relationship. Charlotte’s hair was in a Jackie Kennedy puff, dyed a severe, almost platinum blonde. Her full bosom was more of a formidable shelf than the warm small pillows of my mother or Eileen’s lively freckled pair. And certainly she had nothing of the mystery and thrill I associated with the birth of Julie’s passionate and idealistic breasts. I wished I could see them all bare to the waist, nipples revealed, instead of mere glimpses of white flesh flowing into intervening bras. I wished they were all on a couch together with their tops off and I could go from one to another, resting my head on each, sailing on Aunt Charlotte’s, asleep on my mother’s, laughing on Eileen’s, and growing up on Julie’s.

“Well, I’m going upstairs,” Aunt Charlotte said. “I don’t know how long I can keep my eyes open so don’t take forever.”

No doubt she believed I had no idea what all that meant. I hurried into bed while Uncle turned out the overhead light and desk lamp. I hugged my knees to my chest. I felt safe, but lonely.

Uncle’s perfumed face closed in on mine. I don’t remember which cologne he used that day. He changed brands often. He had worked in the fish market at age twelve, in the predawn before school, and had been teased about the smell by other boys. (This was another sad story of his childhood that he told proudly as a happy and formative time which had not hurt him, but helped make him great. Underneath the braggadocio, however, it was obvious he felt otherwise. He worked at the Fulton Market for only three months and yet the stink of that humiliation still clung to him in his twenty-four-room Great Neck mansion.) He hovered above me, smelling tart, the starched cuff and gold arrow-shaped link scraping my chin. His hairy fingers rested on the pillow. “You really miss your Mom?” he whispered into my ear.

That sent a jolt through my heart. I shut my eyes at the pain. “Yes,” I whispered and held my breath at the chance I took.

“You really want to see her?”

“Yes,” I leaked the word and shut the valve fast, afraid of the deluge behind it.

“But if you had to choose—” he hummed in my ear, the bow slipping and buzzing its note, “who do you want to live with, me or your parents?”

I hugged my knees, turned my face toward the pillow, away from his arrow cuff link and pungent face. “I want to stay with you, Uncle,” I said and shivered with such violence that my teeth clicked together.

He kissed my temple and left. I waited until I felt sure he wouldn’t return. Then I told myself to let go and cry. But there were no tears. I lay awake until Eileen came in from her night off. She was humming a tune. I knew she had been out on a date with a carpenter from the Old Country who had just emigrated and found a lot of work in the area. They were good times for New York; houses were going up everywhere on Long Island. I got a glimpse of Eileen tiptoeing across the hallway in her bra and panties as she went to fetch a clean nightgown from an ironed pile of laundry left by the maid outside her door. I pushed my hurt aside and instead held the fleeting image of her pink skin, mottled and bright, fixed in its place. I listened to her sing “Danny Boy” while she brushed her hair in the bathroom. She sang low so as not to wake me. Her voice was sweet, free of the darkness and intensity of my kin. I heard no sadness or loss in the lyrics. I fell asleep without tears.