Dreaming of a Wolf (Snowdonia Wolves) (2 page)

Tom rang me, but I let it drop to voicemail. I sat at Mum’s kitchen table, a mug of cold coffee and an untouched bowl of cereal in front of me. I’d slept a little, and finally dreamed of Alun, only to wake far too soon.

My phone jangled again, and when I continued to ignore it, it beeped with a message from Tom.

Livvy. The public inquiry starts in 2 weeks, in London. Will you come with us?

I shrank away from the prospect of sitting through a public investigation into the tragedy, but Mum had read the screen over my shoulder. “It might be a good idea. It could start to give you some closure.”

“I don’t want closure. I just want him back.”

She hugged me from behind. “I know, love. But until you accept it, you can’t begin to grieve properly.”

I considered it. “But it doesn’t feel as though he’s dead.” I pressed my hand to my heart. “Not in here. I dreamed about him last night, and it felt real.” My neck stung a little, as though he’d really bitten me, and I could swear I ached between my legs.

“We’ll come with you to London. You know that.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I felt exhausted just thinking about it. “I’m going back to bed for a bit.”

I hadn’t bothered dressing, and so I slid between the covers and buried my face in the pillow. Taking a deep breath, I paused, and then sniffed the soft white fabric. It smelled faintly of Alun, the distinctive pine forest fragrance he carried on his skin. He joked about spending his childhood running wild in the Snowdonia mountains, and how it was part of his DNA.

I had to be going crazy. He hadn’t been here, to Mum’s, for months.

“Alun,” I whispered, “why did you go and leave me?”

With my eyes tightly shut, and his fragrance in my nostrils, I pretended I felt his hands squeezing the tension out of my shoulders.

“I didn’t, baby. I’m still here.” His voice filled my mind. This wouldn’t be the first time I’d had an imaginary conversation with him.

“I wish you were. I don’t want to carry on without you.”

“I
am
still here. You don’t shake me off that easily.”

Tears welled, but I wouldn’t let them fall. “I keep thinking about everything we were going to do. All the places we planned to go.”

He chuckled in my head. “Which first, eh? India or South America?”

It was an old debate, and I felt a smile emerge, unbidden. “Neither. It’s New York first, or Venice.”

“Or New Zealand.”

I felt myself drifting in that almost-asleep space, and I welcomed it. Alun’s hands continued to soothe me, and I relaxed. “Why not Australia?”

“I’ve got a friend in New Zealand. We grew up together, but he lives in Wellington now.”

Sleep beckoned, deep and dark and all consuming. “I don’t want you to be gone when I wake up.”

He pressed a hot kiss to my nape. “I’m not going anywhere without you,
Cariad
.”

****

Sunlight filtered through green leaves in a dense canopy above me. I lay on soft, springy grass, staring up at patches of blue between the treetops. Water splashed nearby, and birds called and chirruped all around. It was the definition of tranquility, and I stayed there a moment longer, absorbing all the different sensations. My dreams were getting more lifelike every day.

I knew Alun was here, and I smiled. “Where are we?”

“Swallow Falls. Have you been here before?”

That was the water I could hear. “No.” I sat up and looked around, finding him right away. He leaned against a nearby tree, bare chested and barefoot, hands in the pockets of his jeans, and a huge grin on his face.

“Let me show you.” He held out a hand, and pulled me up, tugging me into his arms. “I used to come here when I was a kid.”

I slid my arms around his neck and inhaled his scent, holding it deep in my lungs. So familiar. So good. “Why are you only half dressed?” His chest was warm, as it always was, and I buried my nose in the base of his throat.

“There was something else I wanted to show you, but it can wait,” he said. “Come and see the falls.”

With our fingers tangled together, he led me along a narrow path, to emerge from the trees onto a grassy ledge. The sound of the water had grown louder with every step, and now it rushed and roared, making speech impossible.

Alun stood behind me, arms wrapped around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder, as I gazed down. It was breathtaking. Far below, the waterfall raged in a torrent, pouring over rocks and boulders, filling and re-filling pools, and then smashing into the river at the bottom. Droplets of water vapor hung in the air in little rainbows.

“It’s beautiful,” I shouted, and felt his chuckle against my skin.

“So are you.” He kissed my neck. “I used to come here with Sasha and Tammy. We were little hell raisers.”

“Who?” He didn’t reply, and so I wriggled free and turned to face him. “I said, who are Sasha and Tammy?”

I spoke into thin air, the sudden silence making my heart judder. I was in bed again. When I rubbed my eyes, my face was damp. As though I’d just been standing near a waterfall.

The crowds in London were terrifying. I was swept along with Tom and Luce, as we struggled to make our way into the hotel they were using for the public inquiry into the accident. I’d never been claustrophobic before, but it was now a distinct possibility. I’d persuaded Mum and Dad to stay home, and I wished I’d stayed there too.

Cameras flashed, video recorders hummed, and journalists darted through the crowd, talking to people, and searching for stories. Meanwhile, a body of official-looking people sat at a table, facing the crowd. A man in the center stood and fiddled with his tie, waiting for the audience to quiet.

Someone jostled me from behind, and I missed the guy’s opening words. This was worse than being in the mosh pit at a rock concert. The acoustics were terrible, and even when I tried to concentrate, I could only make out half of what the investigators said. After twenty minutes of being barged into, and having my feet trodden on a dozen times, I pushed my way to the exit. I’d meet the others later.

Why had I come today?

When I’d dreamed of Alun last night, he’d urged me to come to London. We’d been standing at the top of a mountain, so high it felt as though I could touch the ravens that surfed through the air above us. Another of his favorite places, he’d said.

Perhaps my brain was cycling through all the places he’d said he loved, as it tried to accustom me to the idea that he was gone.

When I reached the end of the list, would I stop dreaming about him?

I shoved
that
thought away, and wandered down the streets. The weather was foul, a typical wet November, but it suited my mood. Settled inside a warm café, and nursing a mug of hot chocolate, I sent Luce a text to tell her where to find me.

The newspapers all carried the story of the rail inquiry. I wouldn’t be able to escape it today.

I didn’t even know why Alun had been on that particular underground train. He’d been in Brighton for a guys’ weekend, drinking and partying with some of his friends, in advance of one of them getting married. We’d spoken on the phone, and he’d texted me. On that particular Sunday, he should have been catching a train to Manchester to meet me, not crossing London on the Tube.

Phil, the distraught groom-to-be, said Alun had left Brighton before the others, because he had an errand to run. London was an hour away by train, and Alun should have changed there for a connection to Manchester. Instead of waiting at Euston station though, he’d been miles away in East London. Why?

The last text I had was as he’d left Brighton. He said he was too old for all-night parties, and was going to sleep on the journey home.  There was no mention of any errand.

Tom and Luce arrived, and sank into the free seats at my table. Luce was pale, her face tight and drawn, and Tom’s hands shook. “Fuck this,” he muttered. “I need a real drink. Let’s find a pub.”

Half an hour later, with cheap Tequila shots lined up, I asked about the initial findings from the official inquiry.

“They’ve no idea.” Tom gazed into space, his eyes unfocused. “They know one train managed to drive into the back of another, but they’ve no explanation why it burst into flames. They’re electric fucking trains. It’s not like they’re carrying gallons of diesel, or anything flammable.”

“They think it was a suicide bomber,” whispered Luce.

I gulped down my shot, and reached for the next. Tequila was our preferred option for getting drunk quickly, and I wanted to blot everything out as fast as humanly possible.

Nobody said anything, and we all knocked back another shot. It was weird, but in some ways, I felt closer to Alun here than I had at home. Was that because he’d died here?

The liquor seared the back of my throat, and I gulped another shot.

Tom had arranged hotel rooms for us, and we headed there in a taxi. I’d never ride the underground again. Oblivion beckoned, but I remembered a question I’d meant to ask earlier.

“Who’re Sasha and Tammy?” I wasn’t slurring too badly.

Tom frowned at me. “They’re friends of Alun. Distant relatives, I think.”

“Were they at the funeral?”

“Yeah.” Luce had passed out already, and was safely tucked into Tom’s side. He stroked her hair, and then glanced back at me. “Didn’t you meet them?”

I thought about it. “No.”

“Why d’you ask?”

“Alun mentioned them.”

“Yeah? He was close to Sasha when they were little, but I don’t know him that well.”

The cab sped around a corner, and I gripped the seat to avoid sliding into the sleeping Luce. I thought back to my dream. Had Alun mentioned them to me some time, and I’d only just remembered them? “He said they were hell-raisers.”

Tom grunted, a brief smile flashing over his face. “They were. My mum told me tales of what they got up to.” He stared out the window at the night flashing by, and I followed his gaze. Alun felt closer than ever, and I wondered where we were. Was this near the crash site? No. That had been on the way out of the city.

I leaned across, and touched Tom’s arm. His attention snapped to me.

“Where are we?” I asked.

He looked outside again. “Near Covent Garden. Our hotel is just a few streets away.”

Alun had never mentioned going here. In all our conversations about London, I didn’t recall it ever being mentioned. I rubbed my gritty eyes, frustrated. Not content to dream about him, and to hold long conversations in my head with him, I now imagined my dead lover was close by.

The Tequila had to be to blame. Either that, or I was going mad.

The Tequila had been a mistake. I awoke to a pounding head, and a taste like old socks in my mouth. Exhaustion swamped me. I wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and never move again, but then I heard Alun’s voice.

“Livs.” I lifted weary lids to see him sitting cross-legged on the bed next to me, fully dressed, and with a familiar teasing grin on his face. “At last. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“You have?”

“We don’t have long, and I need to show you something.”

I hid a yawn. “Okay.”

“Come on, sleepy.” He held out a hand, and wriggled his fingers. His smile was irresistible, making me remember our first date and how entranced I’d been. The pub in Cornwall. We’d drunk local beer, and watched the sun setting over the harbor, with Alun claiming a place next to me.

My mind jumped back to Alun watching me, his head cocked slightly to one side. “You coming?”

“Of course.” I clasped his hand, and just like that, we were somewhere else. Open countryside, soft grass underfoot, and mountains surrounding us. Tilting my head, I looked up to see a brilliant blue sky, the sun blazing down. Like all my dreams with Alun, it could have been real. Birds called, and sheep bleated in the distance.

“Wales?” I asked.

“Snowdonia.” He gave my fingers a quick squeeze, before releasing me. He stepped back, shoved both hands into his pockets, and gazed at me, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “You trust me, don’t you, Livs?”

“Of course.”

“And if I asked you to keep something a secret, to tell nobody at all, you’d agree?”

I’d promise you anything, if it would keep you with me.
“Yes.”

He dragged his T-shirt over his head, and dropped it on the grass. Holding up a hand to stop me from interrupting, he popped the button on his jeans.

I had to smile. “We’re going to have hot monkey sex in this field?”

“Later.” He slid the zipper down slowly, his eyes molten. “There’s something you need to know first.”

As always, Alun went commando. I’d never seen him wearing underwear. I watched, amused, as he kicked off his sneakers and then dropped his jeans to the ground and stepped out of them. What was he up to? With Alun, you never knew what to expect.

I didn’t expect him to vanish before my eyes.

A shimmer of rainbow sparkles filled the space where he stood, clearing rapidly to show a huge dog in his place.
Holy shit
. I clasped a hand over my mouth, before I screeched.  My heart galloped, and I forgot how to breathe.

It’s just a dream. 

The dog cocked his head slightly to one side. It was unlike any dog I’d seen before, from the brilliant blue eyes, to the ruff of paler fur that ringed its face. If I had to guess, it looked like a wolf. A nervous giggle escaped me. I’d watched too many horror movies.

“Okay, babe.” My voice wavered. “Joke over. Where are you?”

The wolf stared at me, its mouth opening into a wide doggy grin. The beast then flopped to the grass, lay on its back, and whined.

What the fuck?

My feet could have been glued to the ground. There was no way, dream or no dream, that I was going to rub its belly. Its teeth were vicious. If it turned on me, I had no chance. I sucked in a rapid breath, and forced myself to move. To take a step back.
Keep watching it. Keep eye contact.
I liked dogs, always had, but this one was scary.

The beast lifted its head, and scrambled to his feet, to dissolve into another rainbow shimmer. What the fuck was next? A bloodthirsty vampire to chase me? I took another step backward, ready to flee. I didn’t like this dream, and it was definitely time to wake up.

When I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest, the shimmering mist cleared to show Alun, wearing nothing but a delectable grin. “Hey, you.” He strolled toward me, as though everything were perfectly normal.

I sucked in a jagged breath and pointed at him. “That was you? You just changed into a
dog
?”

“A wolf.” He stopped a couple paces from me, a smile playing across his face. “And we call it shifting.”

“We?”

“Yeah. There’re a few of us.” He rubbed the back of his neck, and looked uncomfortable for a second. “I was supposed to wait until we married, but I need you to understand.”

The man I’d planned to marry was a werewolf? My heart hammered.

I glanced up at the sun arcing high across the sky. “Is it full moon?” I whispered.

This drew a delighted laugh. Alun covered the distance, caught my hand, and tugged me down to sit on the grass with him. “It doesn’t matter about the moon. I’m not a werewolf.” He tangled our fingers together, and looked at me expectantly.

“Can you read my mind now?”

“Not as such.”

Just a dream.
It was getting harder to hold onto that thought. I focused on what he’d just said. “What am I thinking now?”

“Hmm.” He leaned forward, and placed his free hand on my chest. “You’re thinking about how freaked out you are, and wondering if you’re going to turn into a wolf too, since I’ve bitten you.”

Fuck. That hadn’t occurred to me. My heart hammered faster. “Am I?” It came out as a squeak.

His brows dipped, and the teasing smile disappeared. “If I said yes, how upset would you be?”

“
What
?” The word escaped on a gasp. Before I went into total panic meltdown, I saw he was trying hard not to smile. I managed a breath with lungs that had forgotten their basic function, and he flopped back onto the grass, pulling me with him.

He shook with laughter, great huge howls producing tears of mirth. I tumbled on top of his very naked body and just stared. The truth sank in. He’d been teasing. “You... You…” I groped for something smart to say. “That wasn’t funny.”

“Oh, baby, it was fuckin’ hilarious.” He gently cupped my face in both hands. “I’m sorry.” He sounded anything but. “I shouldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t resist. Showing you my wolf side—it’s a once in a lifetime thing, you know.”

“No, I don’t know.” Weak with relief, I felt bizarrely comfortable sprawled on top of him in the soft grass.

“We Mate for life,
Cariad
.” His voice softened to a husky growl. “I only get to tell you once.”

Someone else had called Alun my
Mate
, but right now I couldn’t remember who. Lying so close to him again was more than I could resist. I clung to him, burying my face in the base of his throat, and inhaling his pine-forest fragrance. “Alun, baby, I miss you so much.”

“I’ll be back soon, with your help, Livs.” He encased me in his arms, and held me tight. Even when he was playing the fool, I always felt safe with him.

“I wanted to talk to Sasha. To see how he told Megan, his girlfriend.” Alun dropped tiny kisses on my hair. “She didn’t take it too well—thought she’d turn into a werewolf.”

“Which is where you got the idea of scaring me?”

He chuckled, the vibration rumbling through me. “I think of it more as research.”

Now the initial shock had worn off, I knew it was just my mind playing games. People didn’t turn into dogs. Or wolves. I yawned and closed my eyes, determined to enjoy this cuddle while he was here. I knew from experience that these dreams, while vividly real, only lasted a short time, and I felt myself tumbling into deeper sleep.

“Livs, baby”—Alun’s voice held an urgent ring—“talk to Sasha. He can help.”