Dreaming on Daisies (31 page)

Chapter Thirty-One

June 15, 1881

Leah sat on the knoll near the large tree and smoothed the last of her mother’s letters. She’d spent three hours rereading every one of the missives Ma had asked Tom to mail but he had kept. Those hours had been some of the hardest of her life, as she’d dug deep into her mother’s heart and tried to understand what drove her—and then worked to accept and believe the affirmations of love written over and over again.

She laid it carefully in the box and lifted the bouquet of white daisies she’d picked. The flowers covered the crest of the meadow, the clumps and stands cascading down over the hillside. Ma had loved this view. It seemed to be a place that had soothed her spirit and brought her peace.

Leah prayed that same peace would visit her now.

Steven had been gone for six days, and Pa hadn’t returned, either. It took two days to travel to La Grande, unless they’d pushed well into the night. Allowing four days for travel and at least one to take care of whatever business took them, Pa could easily be home today.

Every night she’d tossed and turned, unable to sleep more than a few hours, the pendulum of her emotions swinging from one extreme to the other. Anger that Steven would leave without so much as a word, as her mother had done, veering to grief that she hadn’t shown him the depth of her feelings. If she’d done so, would he still have gone?

Her mother did, and she claimed to have loved her.

Deep in her heart Leah knew Ma’s love to be true. But now Leah realized her ma was a woman of shallow, selfish character who hadn’t denied her own desires to escape a life she saw as intolerable. Was it possible Steven was that kind of man? Had he viewed life on the ranch as unbearable and, like her mother, decided city life was best?

But he’d seemed so honest, kind, and caring that she found it difficult to accept he could be that way. He’d stood beside her when she was hurting. He’d sat on this hilltop, holding her hand and offering silent support. He’d spoken hard things to her, as well—made suggestions that angered her—but they’d finally made her think. That wasn’t the kind of thing a shallow, selfish man would do.

She took a handful of daisies and braided them together in a long chain, then twisted the final stem around the first, creating a loop. Ma had done this for her countless times as a girl. They’d pretended it was a crown for a princess, and if she wore it, she could summon her prince and go live in a castle.

Leah had always believed her mother was thinking of Pa when Ma allowed Leah to place it on her head. She had closed her eyes and whispered words Leah couldn’t understand. But now she knew. Ma was dreaming of the man who’d given Leah life—the man Leah couldn’t remember, but who had forever held her mother’s heart.

Steven almost vaulted from his horse as he came to a halt at the hitching rail in front of the Pape ranch house, only vaguely aware of the buggy containing Tom and Charlie behind him. He lashed the reins to the rail and bolted to the door, then gave a hard rap and waited. His palms were damp with sweat, and he wiped them down the side of his trousers. If someone didn’t open the door soon, he might break it down. This had been the longest six days of his life. He’d wanted to get back yesterday, but it took longer than they’d expected to find Tom.

The door swung open, and Millie broke into a huge grin, with Buddy behind her peeking over her shoulder. “Steven! It’s so good to see you.” She reached out and enveloped him in a warm hug.

Steven’s heart swelled. This was exactly the kind of welcome he’d hoped for, just not from the person he’d anticipated. He released Millie and returned her smile. “It’s great to be back. Is Leah …?”

Millie’s shriek almost split his eardrums as she raced past him and plummeted down the steps. “Tom! Charlie … you brought him home?”

Steven turned, his joy almost complete as he watched the young man wrap Millie in a hug that seemed to go on forever.

Tom finally let go, only to be met by a hearty slap on the shoulder by Buddy. “About time you got yourself back here, boy. What took you so long?” He turned to Charlie and gripped the man’s shoulder. “This your doing, boss? If so, I’m right proud to be your friend.”

Tom brushed his knuckles across his eyes. “Pa came to get me, Buddy. Him and Steven. All the way to La Grande. They talked me into coming back.” He looked around, and his tentative smile faded. “Where’s Leah?”

Millie sobered, then gestured to the hill beyond the house. “She’s up there. Took her ma’s letters you gave her. I thought she’d be back by now, but I don’t plan to rush her. Don’t think you should either.”

She gave Tom and Charlie a stern look before turning to Steven. “But I got me a feelin’ she’s hankerin’ to talk to you, young man. And if you know what’s good for you, you’d best hightail it up there. You’ve got some explainin’ to do.”

Charlie scowled. “Why him? I’m her pa. I oughta go up there and make sure she’s all right.”

Buddy laid a firm hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “No, sir, you oughtn’t.” He nodded at Steven. “Millie’s right. Harding needs to explain why he lit a shuck outta here without so much as a by-your-leave to Leah.”

Steven felt as though a giant had slammed him in the gut and knocked out every bit of wind. “What do you mean, without a word? Charlie, you told her we were going to La Grande, right? And how long we’d be gone, and why we were going?”

Charlie scratched his head. “Well now, Leah weren’t here when I come to the house to get my things, so I left word with Millie. You gave her my message, didn’t you?”

Millie harrumphed and laced her arms over her chest. “What scant bit there was, I did. But there wasn’t nothin’ about Steven comin’ back, nor anything about findin’ Tom. We was all worried and tryin’ to figure out what took you both outta here in such a hurry.”

She beamed a smile at Tom. “’Course, I’m right happy it turned out like it did.”

Then she rounded on Charlie. “But you got some explainin’ to do, your own self.” She reached out and grabbed him. “You come in, eat, and tell me how you found this boy and what happened.”

She jerked her head at Steven. “While he goes up on that hill and makes his peace with Leah.”

Leah placed the wreath on her head and closed her eyes. Wishing for her prince to arrive wouldn’t bring any more results than it had for her mother. She could do something else, even more important. “I want to forgive you, Mama.” She whispered the words over a lump in her throat. She’d known for a long time this must be done, and it was fitting it be here—and now.

But it was hard. So very hard to let the anger go and, even harder, to part with the hurt. But maybe she didn’t have to deal with all of the hurt right now. Maybe all God expected of her was to give Him the anger, and He’d take care of the rest.

“Mama, I missed you for so many years. Then I found out you hadn’t died but deserted me. I think for a while I hated you, because I didn’t understand. Part of me still doesn’t, but I don’t hate you anymore.” The tears rolled. She couldn’t stop now. She didn’t dare open her eyes, or she’d lose her courage.

“I think I understand, a little. If you loved my real father as much as I love Steven, I see why your heart was broken. Why you found it impossible to love again. Maybe a part of you wasn’t selfish—you might have thought you were sacrificing—to give me the life my father loved so much and would want me to have. Maybe you didn’t want to make me choose when I was young.”

A tear dripped, but she no longer cared. Nor did she care about the sobs that ripped open her heart. She covered her face and rocked back and forth. “Oh, God, please help me let go of this once and for all.”

She drew in a shuddering breath and released it slowly, keeping her head bowed. “I forgive you, Mama. With all my heart.” The hardness inside cracked, and a flood of healing cascaded over her spirit.

She sat without moving for several long minutes, drinking in the peace that enveloped her. Somehow Leah caught a glimpse of the future. She might have to forgive her mother again and again, as new hurts and memories surfaced. The pain of the past wasn’t all washed away with a few simple words, but the door to restoration had finally opened. With God’s help, she didn’t intend to enter that dark place again.

“Thank You.” Leah whispered the words to the Father who would never forsake her, would never betray her. Leah sat with her head bowed and eyes closed, basking in the gentle tranquility that wrapped her in a cocoon of warmth.

All this time, she’d thought the most important thing in her life was the ranch. It was what she’d lived for, worked for, dreamed about improving.

Now she realized how wrong she’d been. People mattered so much more than things. Her father. Tom. Millie. Buddy.

And Steven.

She’d fought her feelings for him long enough. It was time to fully admit she was in love with the man. Time to give her fear of the future to God and allow Him to make of her future what He willed.

“I choose to trust You, Lord. With Pa, and the ranch, and Tom. Somehow, some way, I’m going to trust You about Steven, no matter what the circumstances look like right now. I love him, Father, and I’m asking You to bring him home.

“I’m going to make things right with Pa, and I want to find Tom and forgive him. Please, please help me put my pride aside where the people I love are concerned. I’ve blamed Pa for having too much pride, but I’m like him. Thank You for choosing to love me in spite of all that I’ve done.”

She lifted her head and opened her eyes.

And gasped.

Steven stood a few paces away, his hat removed and head bowed. How long had he been there, and how much had he heard? Leah wanted to jump up and race to him, throw her arms around his neck and hold on for all she was worth.

But what if he’d heard her asking God to help her to trust Him about Steven? What if he’d heard her say she loved him, and he didn’t feel the same way? Another thought hit her and left her insides quaking. Had he returned to get the rest of his things from the bunkhouse and tell her good-bye?

“Steven? What’s wrong? Are you all right?”

His eyes snapped open. “I’m absolutely perfect. But it appears I’ve once again interrupted you at a bad time. Would you like me to leave you alone? I can talk to you when you come to the house.”

“No!” Leah almost choked on the word. “I mean, please stay. I have so much to tell you, ask you—”

A slow, glowing smile lit his face and sent a delicious shiver clear to Leah’s toes.

“I’d like that. May I sit?” He motioned toward the grassy area nearby and waited for her approval. Lowering himself onto the grass, he glanced at the wreath of flowers on her head. “Is this a special occasion?”

She reached up and touched the daisies as warmth stole into her cheeks. She’d placed the garland there when remembering her mother and completely forgotten to remove it. It probably looked silly—something a child would do, not a grown woman. “My mother and I used to make them, then pretend … it doesn’t matter.” She pulled off the wreath and placed it carefully in her lap.

Steven captured her hand in his. “It matters very much to me. Everything about you matters. Will you tell me about it?”

Her fingers felt so alive, vibrant, tingling. Excitement flooded her as he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. She wasn’t sure she could even respond, much less keep her mind clear enough to answer.

Finally, she smiled. “I’d rather hear what you have to say first. You were gone a long time. I know it was only six days, but it felt like so much more.”

Leah looked down at their entwined fingers. “I thought—I assumed—you’d gone to La Grande to take the job. Have you come back to gather your things? Will you be leaving again?” She worked to keep her voice steady, not wanting him to sense the fear and anxiety hovering below the surface.

His hold tightened, and the silence lengthened. Finally, Steven leaned forward. “I’m so sorry, Leah. I thought Charlie had told you … or at least that he asked Millie to tell you I was coming back in a few days. We didn’t plan on staying so long, but I had to wrap up the business at the bank, and it took longer than we expected to bring Tom home.”

Leah’s heart catapulted into her throat, and she thought she might choke. She jumped to her feet. “Tom? Wrapping up the job? What? How …” She pressed her palm against her chest, trying to still the wild beating. Tom was home? Had her father come too? Of course he had. There would be no reason for him to stay in La Grande.