Drowning (14 page)

The only ray of hope was that two long steel girders had been placed over the sandbags, stretching all the way across the river to the other side. They were still in position. So hopefully, if the sandbags could be shored up again, building might be able to start tomorrow. It didn’t have to be a proper road. Even a small walkway would do for me, for now.

The swishing of tires behind me made me look round, and with a sinking of my heart I saw Nicholas at the wheel of his Land Cruiser.

He climbed out and gave me the barest nod of greeting. His face looked as hard as I’d ever seen it, and I wondered what had happened to make him angry.

Could it have been because I broke my promise to him by not coming back to his bedroom last night?

Well, if it was—if he was petty enough to get in a mood over that—let him stew in his own ill-temper, I thought, with a flash of defiance. I had my own bigger problems to deal with, far more important and far-reaching than the sulkiness of a womanizer who for once had not gotten his way.

I turned my back to him and stared out at the rushing water. At least the walk and the fresh air had cleared my head and banished the hangover.

“They’re not going to be able to fix the bridge until a dam wall further upriver has been repaired,” Nicholas said behind me. “It burst in the first rains, which is why it keeps flooding now. They’re going to be working on the wall later, weather permitting.”

I didn’t turn around and nor did I acknowledge him.

Then, from my pocket, I heard the ringing of my phone.

Hastily, I splashed my way through a large puddle, heading further down the hill away from him. The sound of the water was very loud here. Vince was calling, and it was time to mend my bridges… figuratively, at least.

“Vince, honey,” I said. “Hi. I’m sorry about last night. How’re you doing?”

“Not good.” His voice was tight and sharp.

“I’m really sorry for hanging up on you,” I said. “And it was thoughtless of me not to take the phone with me yesterday. I should have known it was important. I’m so sorry.”

“Where are you?” he asked. “Are you in the shower?”

“I’m down here at the river. Some of the sandbags they put in yesterday have been washed away. It’s going to take another two or three days to get this bridge repaired, but as soon as they do, I’m coming over it.” I laughed, even though it felt forced. “I’m going to walk over on foot, if necessary, to be with you again.”

“It’s too late for that,” he said, and the words as well as his tone made my stomach clench.

“How do you mean?”

“Erin, I can’t deal with this anymore. You are not the girl I married. What has happened to you? You used to be so devoted. You were so caring. And now, you’ve changed. Or rather, I don’t know if you’ve changed, or whether this is the real you and everything I knew before has been a lie.”

“Vince!” Aware that Nicholas was still behind me, I hastily lowered my voice again. “I’ve always been the same person. I’ve just been under a lot of stress the past few days, and I know you have, too.”

“No.” His voice was cold. “It started before that. You’ve been showing me your real side for a while now. Flirting with other men deliberately. You wouldn’t have been washed away in that car if you’d chosen to drive with me.”

“Vince, are you insane?” Again, I was aware I’d raised my voice, and had to struggle to control myself. “You told me to get into the other car. You said you didn’t want to drive with me.”

“You’re right. I didn’t. But what I find strange is that you didn’t fight for it. You agreed immediately. It was almost as if you wanted to go into that other car, to be alone with that young driver. I saw the way he was looking at you. How do I know you haven’t been with him this whole time?”

“Bulewi’s not even here! He managed to escape to the other side of the river. And you’re not to talk badly of him after he tried to save me. If he hadn’t undone my seatbelt, I would have died.”

I’d hoped my honesty would shame Vince into silence, but it was as if he hadn’t even listened to my outburst.

If you loved me, you would have insisted on coming with me. It was a test, Erin, and you failed it.”

“But…”

“And why did you end up lagging so far behind me? Was that also deliberate?”

“No! It was not. The storm was terrible, and you were driving like a…”

“I think we need a trial separation, Erin.”

“No,” I said again, whispering out the words through cold lips.

“I’m booked to fly back to New York on Friday and I’m taking that flight. I’m not waiting around here for days or weeks for some mythical bridge to be repaired.”

“It was not a mythical bridge!” I insisted. “It was a real one, and I’m standing where it was right now. You didn’t even bother to come here to see. I would have thought you’d have been camped out in a tent on the other side, waiting for me to be able to cross over. Instead, you’re holed up in five-star comfort.”

“Shut up! You’ve milked this situation already for all it’s worth,” he yelled angrily. “If you were really stuck, you would have phoned me back yesterday so I could come and get you. If you don’t fly back with me, I’m going to pack up your belongings so that when you do choose to come back to the States, you can move out and look for somewhere else to stay.”

“Vince, no!” I could hear the panic in my voice.

“This is your decision. Not mine. You’re the one who made this all go wrong.”

“If I could swim across this damned river right now, I would!”

“You had the chance to come back to me yesterday,” he said heavily. “You didn’t take it.”

“Look, why don’t you charter a helicopter from your side and come get me?”

“Like I said, I’m flying back when we’re booked to leave. And now, I have work to do. I had to cancel shooting yesterday, so I’m going into the bush now. My guide’s waiting outside. Don’t try to contact me today because I won’t be available.”

He disconnected without saying another word.

“Shit!” I said loudly.

I turned off my phone to conserve what remaining battery I had, moved away from the river and, without acknowledging Nicholas, headed up the steep bank and marched past the place where his car was parked.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

I didn’t answer, just kept walking, but a minute later, the throbbing of the truck’s engine behind me told me that my intent to stomp off back to the lodge alone was going to be thwarted.

“Get in,” he called through the open window.

“No, thanks.”

“Erin, get in. You’ve walked the whole way down here in the wet in those ill-fitting shoes, and if you haven’t blisters already, you soon shall.” He leaned over, opened the door. “Come on.”

I trudged over to the car, climbed in, slammed the door.

“Trouble in paradise?” he asked.

I turned on him furiously. “At this moment, I do not need your comments, which in any case are not funny. My husband has just told me that he thinks we need a trial separation.” I was crying now, my shoulders shaking, tears flooding my eyes.

Nicholas stopped the car in the shade by the muddy roadside, and cut the engine. He waited for a minute until I’d regained some control over my emotions, before asking, “Why does he want that?”

“He had a helicopter ready to bring me out yesterday.” My face was burning with shame. “The pilot was waiting to fly here. But because I didn’t have my phone with me, he couldn’t.”

Blinking tears away, I saw Nicholas regarding me, his face still hard.

“Why the trial separation? I’m confused, Erin. You didn’t have your phone with you. So what? Did you know he was going to try and get a helicopter to you?”

I sniffed. “I had no idea.”

“So you had no idea your husband was trying to organize you a helicopter. But the pilot could have flown here regardless. Everyone in the area knows the coordinates for Leopard Rock.”

I shrugged.

“So because you didn’t have your phone with you when he suddenly decided to try and rescue you, and he didn’t tell the pilot to come here anyway, he now thinks you should have a trial separation?”

I gave a shaky laugh. When Nicholas put it that way it did, of course, sound stupid.

“It’s not just that,” I told him.

“Well, what else has changed? What’s gone so suddenly wrong between yesterday and today?”

Another question I couldn’t answer.

“You don’t understand the situation,” I said.

“Well, clearly I don’t. But if that’s all that has happened then there’s no cause to be so upset.” He drew in a breath as if he was going to say something else to me, but then shook his head. Instead, he started the car and headed up the road.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“You were going to say something.”

“I was going to tell you why I was so angry earlier. But now I’m not.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t think that what I was going to say will make a difference to what you have decided to believe.”

“Oh.” I considered his words for a short while. Did his anger have something to do with Vince? It certainly sounded like it.

Nicholas drew a deep breath. “You want me to be honest?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, please don’t go off like a rocket when I tell you your husband’s an asshole. He’s trying to manipulate you emotionally. He doesn’t want a trial separation. He’ll never leave you—he’s got you exactly where he wants you. And now he’s messing with your mind to make sure you stay there.”

“He wouldn’t do that. He loves me. And I love him.”

I spoke loudly, aware that the words sounded hollow and that given my recent behavior, there was no reason for Nicholas to believe them. He didn’t shoot my statement down in flames though, as I had feared he might.

Instead, he countered, “The word love is open to interpretation. And to abuse.”

“You can’t say that. You don’t know him.”

“I don’t have to know him to have an opinion on him,” Nicholas retorted, and the anger was back in his voice again.

“I don’t have to listen to your opinion. Hey, where are we going?” I asked, as Nicholas turned off the main driveway and onto the track we had taken the day before.

“I’m going for a drive.”

“But I…”

“You don’t want to go?”

“No, I do, it’s just…”

“Well, then. I need to go for a drive. I’d like for you to come along. Say no and I’ll let you out now.”

“You know I’m not going to say no.” Damn it, I was smiling now, feeling as if a shaky equilibrium had been restored.

“I missed you last night,” he said, driving carefully down a steeply sloping section of road, and I felt my stomach contract at his words.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come back to your bedroom.” I stared out of the window as the big truck eased carefully over a rocky section, while branches scraped lightly across its sides. What I had just said was an
acknowledgement that things were not yet over between us. And why should they be, given that my husband and I were now facing the prospect of a trial separation?

“You had your reasons. I understand.”

“I thought you were angry about it.”

“No. I was disappointed, that’s all.”

“You seemed really pissed off this morning when I heard you in the gym.”

“I was, but not with you.”

“Do you always gym when you’re pissed?”

“Mostly. It’s a safe way of getting rid of it. And going for a drive is a good way of calming down.”

As I pondered what he had said, I noticed the sky was beginning to clear and the sun was breaking through the clouds at last, brightening the morning. We drove past the place where we had fixed the fence the day before. After the rains last night, the river was flowing more rapidly through it, but no other trees had been uprooted or washed into the wires.

“I wouldn’t have thought you would have much to be angry about,” I said, thinking again of what it must be like to live in this utopia.

“Oh, trust me, Erin, I have plenty.”

“What would an unsafe way be of handling it, then?”

“Of handling temper?”

“Yes.”

“Taking it out on somebody else.” His voice was hard, but it was his words that silenced me. Was he implying that this was what Vince had been doing?

Had
Vince been doing this?

One thing I knew for sure was that, under normal circumstances, Vince’s behavior would have had me frantic with worry. I would have been calling him every hour, thinking of little else, desperate to reassure him and to get our relationship back onto an even keel.

I hadn’t done that, though.

Was that what was making Vince behave so weirdly?

“There!” Nicholas’s voice interrupted my thoughts. He was pointing out of my window and looking in that direction, I saw a pair of rhino.

“Oh, wow,” I breathed. The magnificent animals, their massive bodies a matte grey in color, their long, curved horns intact, were peacefully browsing some nearby bushes.

He stopped the car and for a few minutes we sat and watched them as they made their way across the dirt track before disappearing into an area of thicker bush.

“They’re so beautiful,” I breathed.

“Beautiful and endangered,” Nicholas said sadly. The last remnants of the anger I’d sensed smoldering within him seemed to have dissipated. I felt calmer, too, the frayed emotions that I’d felt at Vince’s words now soothed by the drive and this amazing sight.

“At least they’re protected here.”

“They’re on my property,” Nicholas agreed. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep them safe.”

The passion with which he said the words made me glance at him in surprise. I didn’t understand why, but I thought that the safety that Nicholas was striving so hard to uphold meant more than simply protecting the wildlife within his property’s inner boundaries. Protecting his own was a matter that seemed to be deeply personal for him—but I could not guess at why.

“Here’s the access gate that leads through into the main part of the estate, where the Big Five roam.” He stopped the car by a wide gate that was closed and locked with a thick chain and padlock. “About a twenty-minute drive away from here is the most amazing place. It’s a small wooden chalet, set on a hillside overlooking a dam. Occasionally, I spend one or two nights there; or just a lazy afternoon. I don’t think I’ll get the chance to take you there. I wish I could.”

“Why don’t we go now? Or have you got other things planned for today?”

He turned to stare at me and I was startled by the intensity in his eyes.

“We can go,” he said slowly. “Even if I had plans, I’d put them aside for you.”

He climbed out of the car and unlocked the gate. The chain clanked and rattled as the massive, heavy-duty padlock opened. Then he drove through, stopped the car again, and locked it once more behind him.

“I should warn you, just in case…” he said softly, and with a hint of embarrassment in his tone, “I’m out of condoms.”

“Oh.” Silently, I took in the implications of this statement.

“I’m not a risk, Erin. I have regular physicals before I travel to work in other countries, including blood tests. The most recent of those was in July this year. I don’t know if you’re on birth control, but if we end up making love, I will be careful, I promise.” His voice was like a caress.

Making love? What happened to sex? To fucking? His choice of words was confusing me, although the desire that swept through me was not.

“I don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases. I was tested for all of them recently,” I told him. In fact, I’d had the tests done during one of Vince’s jealous episodes. I’d hoped the results would set his mind at rest. They hadn’t, of course.

“And I’m not on birth control,” I added more slowly. “But you don’t have to be careful in that regard.”

He stared at me wide-eyed. “Why’s that?”

I took a deep breath. “Long story.”

“So, tell me the long story,” he said. “I think it’s time we learned more about each other.”

“You’ve refused to tell me anything about yourself,” I said.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m bad that way. I promise to try, though.”

Time to come clean with him, then. He might as well know what had happened to me to make me the person I was today.

“My little brother, Aidan, died when I was fourteen. It was such a shock—he was killed when a car went out of control. Two teenagers, drag racing. He was only ten years old at the time.” I took a deep breath. “My mother went into a depression. She basically didn’t leave the house for—oh, I don’t know—two years, maybe. Those two years were hell. For me, and for my dad. He ended up divorcing
her. Although maybe it’s unfair to put it that way. Aidan’s death led to them getting divorced.”

“That must have been tough for you to cope with.”

“It was. I coped by going off the rails. By the time I was sixteen I was out every night—my parents never knew where I was and if they had known, they would have forbidden me to go to those places. I went through a stage of doing drugs. I had a series of boyfriends. My longest relationship was with a man who was thirty years old, who’d been married and who’d fathered a child.”

“Go on?” There was nothing but concern in Nicholas’s tone. I could hear no disapproval. That was a relief. I hadn’t gotten this far in my story when I’d tried to tell Vince. He’d been so judgmental when I mentioned the drugs, I’d thought it safer not to share the rest.

“Of course, I wasn’t careful enough. I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and didn’t know until it ruptured. I had massive internal bleeding. I nearly died, and both my tubes were damaged so badly they had to remove them. If I were ever to have kids it would have to be through IVF, which might or might not work, and is not a prospect I’d be overly enthusiastic about in any case.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” His face was serious. He moved his hand onto my leg and massaged it gently.

I shrugged, gave him a smile I didn’t mean. “Shit happens.”

“It does indeed.”

I wasn’t going to tell him that Vince had said, when we discussed this before we married, that he didn’t want kids. But then, just a few weeks ago, he’d suddenly started criticizing me about being infertile, and had blamed me for the fact that he would never have a son.

Vince’s words had left me feeling deeply insecure. But that was not something to speak about now. I really did not want to think any further about a topic which always made me feel angry and ashamed.

“My grades suffered as a result of all of this, of course,” I told Nicholas. “I missed half of my final exams. I’d been planning on studying fine art, but in the end I had to settle for doing a photography course. I decided I needed to get away. From my family, my
environment, the friends I’d lost. So I moved away and then I just kept going. Packing up and moving on became a habit.”

“That must have been tough for you.”

“It was my fault. I made some terrible decisions and I paid for them. I’m damaged goods now, and that is what…”

“No!” Nicholas just about shouted the word. He stopped the car and turned to face me, taking my hands in his own, and, surprised, I stared back at him. “Not damaged goods. Never. Don’t ever say that, Erin.”

“I—”

“Not unless you want to believe for the rest of your life that you’re not good enough. And you know where that can lead.” His voice was dark and I understood the warning behind it, even though it made me feel uncomfortable.

“There have been plenty of good times in my life, too,” I said, making an effort to lighten the conversation.

“And in mine,” Nicholas agreed, smiling slightly. “Present circumstances included.”

I wanted to offer a casual agreement, but there was suddenly a lump in my throat that felt too big to swallow. I had been such an idiot. My decisions, in every way, had been so misguided, up to and including the ones I’d just made. Sleeping with this gorgeous man had been bad enough—but falling for him? And how on earth was I going to be able to leave him without leaving a piece of my heart behind?

We headed in silence down a track that became increasingly overgrown. Branches scraped against the sides of the car and the tires splashed through flooded ruts and ditches. The area was both incredibly beautiful and devastatingly wild. I felt at that moment, driving through that rough and lonely landscape, as if we might be the only two people in the world.