Dry Your Smile (14 page)

Well, diary, on that day they were specially horrible. Because it was Roger I saw up ahead on the street, and he was hitting and kicking at Jewell. Benjy was helping him and dancing around them and singing yaa yaa niggerbaby and terrible words like that that Momma and I never never use. And Jewell she was fighting and hitting back and shouting words like Mr. Tompkins uses but I was proud of her because she would have licked Roger right out except it was just not fair because there was Benjy to help hit her when Roger went down so they took turns but she never got to rest in between. And there were two of them and one of her and that's just not fair. So before I could think about it and I know now I should have known better I ran right up and I hit Roger hard on the back of his head with the Lamb's Tales of Shakespear Miss Quentin had let me take out now that I have my junior library card and then when he turned around (and was he surprised, dear diary!) I kicked him in the shins.

Benjy just stood there. But it gave Jewell time enough to reach out and sock Roger biff bam wham like in the comic books right on the side of his turned around surprised face. Roger hit me and pushed me and I fell down in the gutter where it's all dirty and my dress (which wasn't one of the organdy ones thank you Dear God) I heard it rip and then Roger jumped on me with his knees and he was very heavy because by this time Jewell had jumped on his back and was strangling him around the neck but the two of them together were
very
heavy on my stomach. And so I reached up to get Roger off of me because there was murder in his eyes (I read that somewhere maybe about Othello who really did kill someone or maybe about Macbeth who killed lots of people) so I was worried. Maybe his eyes were just bulging because Jewell was holding on so tight from behind his neck but I didn't want to take any chances and besides the two of them were making me not breathe almost. So I started to bang and bang at Roger's face with my book and his nose started to bleed and the cover got bloody and then once I missed Roger and hit Jewell by mistake and then Jewell got thrown off him which I didn't like because then she fell but at least it wasn't so heavy because I was beginning to worry that Benjy would jump on Jewell who was on Roger who was on me at the bottom in the dirty gutter and I'd get squashed flat and die.

Anyway, so then Benjy started to cry like a baby when he saw Roger's nosebleed and I bet Roger got extra mad because not only was he getting beaten but Benjy was there and seeing it. So he picked up this dumb stupid part of one of his airplanes he must have dropped in the fight that was laying on the ground beside me in the gutter and he started to hit me in the face with it like I had hit him with the book. And then there was yelling and grownups around and I heard Momma screaming My God Where Where and her voice was coming closer and then Roger was getting pulled off of me and Benjy was crying louder and the snot running down out of his stupid nose and the blood running down out of his brother's stupid nose and Momma was screaming and bending over me and Liz was yelling at Jewell and I turned my head and I saw the front of my dress torn bad and also bloody. But I didn't know if that was Roger bleeding onto me or me bleeding onto me because what I really paid attention to was Jewell running away. She was running like the wind, faster than Atalanta in my big Greek myths book and she was getting smaller and smaller and she ran even past the Negro houses and kept on running and disappeared around the corner down by the railroad tracks where kids sometimes hid or played you could see them when you were waiting for the train to rehearsal.

And I started to cry, too, then. Because all of a sudden I wasn't sure if Jewell had thought I was joining in with Benjy and Roger against her or if she knew that the two of us, her and me, were on the same side. How could she be sure, because after all she always smiled at me but I never asked her to play and she never got one of my organdy dresses, and maybe she knew that I did play with Roger and Benjy even though I hated to but how could she know that? I thought as she got smaller and smaller like the wind and then disappeared that now I'd never get to learn how she was so good at throwing and catching balls. Maybe she just wasn't scared when things got thrown at her and so she threw them back. But she was scared of the grownups and none of the grownups were Negro people. They were Momma and Liz and even Miss Quentin ran out and she took back the book before I could say I apologize about the blood on it. And there was Hazel out of nowhere talking to herself and Mr. Tompkins saying These people It's just not right This used to be a good block.

But most of all Momma was crying and crying and because she was screaming “Your face! Your face! My God My God” I knew it wasn't Roger's nose on my ripped front then and finally I got scared too.

Well, diary, Momma carried me upstairs and everybody was crying and the doctor came and it was just a long scratch from under my eye down to my jaw and the doctor said it wouldn't leave a scar. I wonder if they called a doctor for Jewell, or if she needed one. And after Momma stopped saying Thank God over and over and hugging me she got mad. I had done a terrible thing that could have ruined our whole Future and she had a bad bad case of nerves.

So I had my bath and my dress was “hopeless” Momma said and she threw it out because she was “disgusted” with me she said. I had been fighting in the street right in the gutter and I was the Ideal American Girl and it just made her disgusted. And then I had to go to bed early and she took you away and there went my privilege of writing in you for a whole week she said.

I tried to explain about two against one and not fair because Momma says always how important it is to be fair but she said she didn't want to hear it. So that was that.

And the rest of the week sort of just got worse. Mr. Pierce swore at Momma when he saw my face next day at rehearsal, and Miss Luchino said she thought she'd have a heart attack. They called up Miss Unger so you knew it was really bad. She came down to rehearsal wearing the sun-glasses she always has on so you can never see her eyes even in the dark studio before the lights get turned on, and it was only after she said like some sort of wise judge or king in a play deciding something while everybody waited around, she said “I think our magician Pietro can fix it with makeup by Friday.” And then everyone sort of breathed and laughed and said that's what they thought of course themselves. Mr. Pierce and Miss Luchino said they were sorry to have to call her down to rehearsal like that but they wanted to be sure it wasn't an emergency.

So then I knew Mr. Pierce and Miss Luchino were in trouble with Miss Unger and Momma was in trouble with Mr. Pierce and Miss Luchino and I was in trouble with Momma and everybody else.

Things didn't get better and by Friday Mr. Pierce said this was the worst week of his directing career d—n all of you meaning the whole cast. Miss Clement had three migraines (spell?) in one week and Mr. Pierce said I'd probably brought that on because Miss Clement hated violence of any sort (after four husbands and all that hate you can understand why). Then Ricky (that's Rick McPherson who plays my teenage brother even though he's 23 but looks younger) lost lots of money at the track (which is where they race horses and bet money on them) and wanted his salary in advance but Mr. Pierce said No that had happened once too often. I thought poor Ricky he was once a child actor like me and sometimes he makes me laugh about things but Momma says he never was a real star like me so what does he know and we have nothing in common even though I should always be polite. But I like him a lot anyway because he can't ride a bike even now at 23 years old. But I don't want to grow up like Ricky and lose all our Future at the track. I heard Miss Luchino say to Mr. Pierce that it was an addiction (spell?) like booze (which is getting drunk). Which reminds me that to make everything worse, Papa (that's not my real father you remember diary he's dead but this is Lance Harris who I call Papa because he acts it) well Papa came to rehearsal “drunk as a loon” Miss Clement said right out loud. I don't know what a loon is but it must be drunk, because Papa was very happy and lifted me up and kept throwing me in the air and I loved him even if his breath did smell a little like our apartment building hall. And then he threw his arms around Mr. Pierce and called him “Sid darling” and Miss Luchino said sharp to Momma Get that kid off the set.

So you see it was a very terrible week, diary, even if we are really a happy family on our show. Momma says it's a miracle we got through it. But we did. And there's no more time to tell you about school or anything else which was all the same as usual anyway.

You see why I apologize to you for paying you no attention all this time but I couldn't get to you. And now there's never going to be a Perfect Record of writing in you every single day ever again because that's been ruined for all time and this terrible week has ruined my Perfect Chart for all year.

I really really had wanted to write in you every single day for the rest of my whole life, and now I'll never be able to do that. I'm really sad about that. I'm so very sorry, diary. Forgive me and please try to understand.

Apologetically (spell?)

Julian

Dear Diary,

I know this time I missed two days but at least it's not a whole week even if I did skip all by my own fault and not from losing a privilege. But it's just not the same now that I can't say I've never missed a day because I had to miss that whole week. It's not perfect anymore. But I still love you diary don't think I don't. If I was allowed to I would even show you to Jewell because then she could see from the earlier stuff I wrote in you that I had liked her all along for real and she wouldn't think I had joined in to help Benjy and Roger. But I'm not allowed to do that and I've “butted in enough” like Momma says. Besides, I haven't seen Jewell down by the tracks or playing in front of her little wood house since that day, and I don't know if she's hiding or moved away or maybe even died from being beat up by those dumb stupid idiot bullies upstairs I still hate them and always will. Momma and Liz go on having coffee together but us kids don't go up or down to play together while they do it. So something good came out of the terrible week anyway. But I hope Jewell's not dead or hurt bad and Momma says I have a tender heart but I should know better than to butt in and she says trust her she's sure Jewell is fine because nobody could run like that and be hurt. But Hamlet gets a mortal wound (which is the kind you die from) and goes on and fights more and even kills a few people and gives a long speech to the audience all between the time he gets hurt and the time he finally dies and while all this is happening he knows he's dying. It's very very sad and it makes me worried about Jewell no matter what Momma says. If her family moved away like Liz told Momma they should, then I'll never even know if Roger and Benjy gave Jewell a mortal wound or not. But Momma says there's nothing I can do. And she's right, because I'm not allowed to.

I don't want to write in you anymore right now, dear diary, and I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings. Sometimes after Momma has worked a long time at the stocks that are going to make us rich she gets that deep line in her forehead that she likes me to smooth out for her but not at those times because she says it's nothing really she's just “depressed” (sp?). That means sort of sad like you sometimes get after the show is over or when you go to an audition but they say they're looking for somebody younger or older or not so blonde or different. You sort of know what it is you're sad about but the sadness is bigger than one thing and spreads over lots of things. So that's why I don't want to write anymore for now, I think. It must be I'm depressed.

I apologize, diary,

Julian

Dear Diary,

I know I skipped again, four days this time. But Momma says I have a busy schedule and there are more important things to pay attention to and if I don't write in you every single day she says it's alright. I hope you think so, too.

There's no big news that's happened anyway. It's been warm for this late in October which is nice because I like to put off wearing my leggings as long as possible. I hate hate hate them but I'm not old enough to wear tights and we can't afford to have me catch a cold, not after the way I already got us into trouble even up to calling in Miss Unger about my face.

The scratch is disappearing, which makes Pietro glad and also Momma and everybody else too. But I'm sort of sorry because it reminded me every time I looked at myself in the mirror how I gave Roger a bloody nose and how Jewell and me fought like the Amazons in the Greek myth book even if Jewell might not ever know I was fighting on her side or might be dead by now of a mortal wound. Roger and Benjy just walk around free when I think Roger at least should go to jail because he might have murdered Jewell you never know. I won't speak to him or Benjy anymore and Momma says that's okay even if it does make her life difficult with Liz.

So the only big news I guess is that we had the cast party for a whole day out at Miss Clement's country house in Connecticut (I know that's right because I looked it up. If I use the dictionary for words I'm not sure about then maybe Momma won't have to check in here for spelling mistakes). We have the cast party every year but it's always in the summer so we can all go swimming in Miss Clement's pool. But this summer we never had it because Miss Clement's fourth husband was sick with something. (I think maybe she poisons them like Gertrude did her husband in Hamlet because they always seem to disappear. But Momma says No they just get divorced although she says she wouldn't put it past Miss Clement to poison a person). Momma doesn't like Miss Clement. But she's always very polite to her because after all Miss Clement is the Star of our show even if I am more popular with our hundreds and hundreds of viewers and get the most fan mail of anybody, Miss Luchino says.