DUBIOUS (6 page)

“
I want you to cut it off,” I said with conviction.

“
Excuse you?” She gawked at me through the mirror.

“
You heard me. Cut it off, all of it. I don’t want more than an inch left on my head.” I broke eye contact with her.

“
Girl, get the fuck out of here. There is no way I’m going to cut off all my hard work.”

“
Either you cut it off or send over one of your other stylists to do it. It doesn’t matter to me, but I will not be taking this shit home with me.”

“
Felicia, come with me.”

Reluctantly, I followed Kenya as she stomped through the shop to her private office. Part of me understood Kenya’s attitude. I had asked her to takeover the maintenance of my hair after a botched home-perm. I’d begged her to treat my hair, and I followed her advice. The results were amazing. She religiously worked on me every week until my hair regained a lustful shine and healthy ends, reaching beyond my shoulder blades. But I was tired of the maintenance. I wanted the freedom of a short, sassy cut.

“
What?” I snapped after she closed the door and we were afforded some privacy.

“
Don’t you raise your voice with me, Missy. I ain’t your husband.”

Ouch, that hurt. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch but trying to explain myself required too much effort. “Kenya, I honestly don’t want to fool with this hair anymore. I can’t and won’t take care of it. I grew it for my husband, and since he isn’t around anymore, what’s the point?”

“
Felicia, think of what you are saying. I know you’re hurting, but your hair is your pride and glory.”

“
Correction: It’s his pride and glory. He’s the one that wanted me to let my hair grow. Remember when we were in college? I didn’t give a rat’s ass about long hair. I need to get back to the basics. I have no desire to try to keep this shit up.”

“
But, Felicia, with the length you have now, you can whip it up in a ponytail and be through with it. When the mood hits, you can let it hang and still be fashionable. If you whack it off, you’re stuck with the same style day in and day out. Do you know how many people would saw off their right arm to have hair like yours?”

“
Then hook them up like you did me. I want it short so I can run my fingers through it and be done. Are you going to cut it or not?” My hands were on my hips; I was too serious.

“
Are you sure you want to do this?”

“
Yes,” I said firmly, looking her dead in the eyes.

“
Don’t you want to start it slowly and work your way into it? I could cut about two inches off and then see how you feel?”

“
You’re trying my patience. If you won’t cut it, I’ll go to the Cuttery down the street and let them use my hair for a weave.”

“
Don’t make me have to whip your ass with this hairbrush.” She shook a wooden brush at me.

“
Then cut the hair, Kenya. I know what I’m doing.”

“
Alright, I’ll cut it. If you don’t like it, I don’t want to hear no lip about it. Once it’s gone it’s gone.”

“
Okay.”

“
Do you have a style in mind?”

“
Naw, make it simple: wash and go.”

Her eyes felt like they were burning a hole in the back of my head, but my mind was made up. Part of me wanted to cut my hair to get back at Randy, another part of me was ready for a change. Kenya followed me back to her station.

“
Whose clothes are you wearing?” she said, tugging on my oversized sweat shirt.

“
Huh?”

“
The outfit. You’re practically swimming in that shit.”

I looked down at the pants I was wearing. She was right: It did look like I was wearing someone else’s clothes, and I hadn’t even noticed. I had just grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on that didn’t need ironing. “I guess I’ve lost a few pounds.”

“
You think?” She was yanking on my hair as if it weren’t attached to my head.

“
Ouch. You don’t have to be so rough.” I ducked as she attempted to hit me again with the brush.

“
If you didn’t let it get so tangled, I wouldn’t be fighting with it. All you had to do was comb it out and bring your tired ass in her once a week to let me care for it. But no, you choose to hide your head in the sand, having your own personal pity party because you’re having a little marital problem. Buck up, baby, life ain’t waiting on you. ”

“
If I wanted the whole fucking shop to know my business, I would have walked in here with a bullhorn.”

“
I’m sorry.” She lowered her voice. “You’re right, it’s your hair and you have the right to do with it as you wish. But I think you’re making a big mistake.”

“
Points duly noted.” I opened a copy of Oasis’ new book,
Push Comes To Shove
, but Kenya was not about to let me to tune her out.

“
So have you talked to him?”

I snapped the book shut. “Briefly. He called to see how his dog was doing.”

“
Aw damn, that’s cold,” she said softly, patting a hand on my shoulder.

“
Tell me about it. I thought he was going to say how much he missed me—no such luck.”

She swung my chair around to look into my eyes. “Are you cutting your hair to spite him?”

I thought about her question before I answered. “Maybe at first because I knew it would hurt him. Now I really don’t want to be bothered. It’s time for a change. I’m going for a whole new look to go with this new attitude I’m creating.”

“
Okay, then, I’m gonna work my magic on your hair to give you the best damn cut you’ve ever had. After all, I can’t have you walking around representing my shop looking jacked up. While you’re at it, you need to whack off that bush you got growing over your eyes.”

“
I intend to. In fact, I’m treating myself to a whole day of beauty, starting with you. I’m going shopping; and, after that, I’m going to finish off my day at the spa. I’m going to get the works.”

“
Good.” She lead me to the shampoo bowl.

“
When I go into the court room in the morning, I’m going to look like a million bucks even if I feel less than fifteen cents.”

“
I feel ya.”

As she turned on the water, I allowed my mind to wander. Ever since Randy had left, I stopped taking care of myself. I hardly even looked in the mirror. That would explain how I’d missed the weight loss. Maintaining my weight had always been a battle so losing weight had never entered the equation. It seemed that—no matter what I ate—I always gained. I had to exercise every day up until Randy announced he was leaving me. After that, I didn’t have the strength. I was shocked to see that I had actually lost weight without trying. To be honest, I didn’t even notice it until Kenya had brought it to my attention.

“
How did you get your case on the docket so soon?” Kenya said, working the lather down to my roots. “I have another client who has been waiting for a divorce almost a year.”

“
I called in some favors. This has been hard enough as it is; I can’t imagine having to wait it out. Plus Randy wants to get some things from the kennel, and I want this behind me before I allow him to do it.”

“
Why didn’t he just go get them?” Her fingers were massaging my scalp.

“
He can’t. I filed a restraining order, restricting his ability to go there without my written authorization and without the presence of the police. I’ll give him the boxes after our hearing.”

“
Ooh-wee! Did he get an attorney?”

“
Nope. The fool is representing himself.”

“
Damn, I kinda of feel sorry for the dumb bastard.”

“
Why?” I opened my eyes and watched the slow spin of the ceiling fan.

“
Because you’re going to eat his lunch!” She chuckled.

“
You got that right. When I’m done with him, his own momma wouldn’t want him if she were still alive.”

“
Dag, you ain’t even gonna give the brotha alimony?”

“
I’m not giving him shit if I can help it.”

“
But wasn’t the business his?” She towel dried my hair then urged me to sit up.

“
It’s one thing to operate a business, it’s quite another to own it—I own it. His dumb ass never read the contract or the fine print. He was an ‘at will’ employee. I paid his salary and the operational expenses. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on and his silly ass doesn’t even know it.”

“
At will? What does that mean?” She began combining out my tangles.

“
It means I can fire his ass for any damn reason I feel like and not have to pay him a dime.”

“
Damn. What time is hearing? I might want to sit in on this one. It’s going to be better than watching the soaps.”

“
Yeah, I want to see his face after the judge reviews the financial records and the deed. I own the business, the name, the inventory, everything. I may have to pay him a paltry sum, but not nearly what he thinks he’s going to get.”

“
What if homeboy changes his mind about the divorce when he sees the bottom line?”

I didn’t answer right away because I wasn’t sure how I would react if that happened. I really wanted my man back but the longer Randy was away from me, the easier it was to accept, and last night’s phone call had put the icing on the cake.

“
Don’t answer that. I know you didn’t do all this planning to be a damn fool and take him back when he finds out he ain’t gonna get the money he thinks he’s going to get. Humph, the son of a bitch deserves this and more for treating you like shit. Oh yeah, I’ve got to be there to see his conceited ass fall.”

My heart dropped when she pulled out a pair of scissors. “You never liked him did you?”

“
Do you want the honest answer or the answer I would give to a friend that I didn’t want to lose over some bullshit?”

“
The honest-injun one.”

“
No. I didn’t like his ass at all.”

“
Why?”

“
He never deserved you.”

Out the corner of my eye, I saw several of my long tresses falling to the floor. I choked. Indecision stabbed me in the gut, but it was too late to change my mind. If I stopped now, my hair would really be jacked up. With renewed determination, I vowed to like it regardless of how it looked so I wouldn’t have to hear Kenya say, “I told you so.”

“
Why do you say that?” I said.

“
To me, he always acted as if he was doing you a favor just by being with you.”

“
You never told me this before.”

“
What could I say? Your nose was wide open, and I’m not about to lose a friendship over my personal biases.”

“
Kenya, that’s fucked up. If you think I would throw away our friendship over a man, you obviously don’t know me that well.”

“
Stranger things have happened. As long as you were happy, I kept my mouth shut ’cause at the end of the day, you had to live with him, not me.”

“
I’m stunned. You have never been one to hold your tongue. What’s up with that?”

“
In matters of the heart, honey, I ain’t no fool. I lost my best friend once when I voiced my opinion about her man. She accused me of wanting the bastard for myself. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way.”

“
Well you have to admit, there are some trifling hussies out there that will do anything to keep you as miserable as they are.” So much of my hair was falling to the floor it began to scare me.

“
True. But you’re like a sister to me, and I refused to go out like that. I figured he would show his colors sooner or later. I just didn’t think the motherfucker would take thirteen years to do it.”

“
I know that’s right.”

“
So, what do you think?” She spun me around to face the mirror and my heart almost stopped beating. The person looking back was a stranger. I hadn’t seen this face in years. I struggled for something to say that would describe my feelings but nothing came to mind.

“
Damn, didn’t I tell you this was a bad idea?” She could obviously tell that I was having mixed emotions.

“
No, it’s not that. It’s just different.” I tried to tug my hair over my ears, but it wasn’t budging. It was longer than the inch I’d requested, but it wasn’t enough to cover my ears and winter was approaching.
What the hell was I thinking?
My ears were the first thing on my body to get cold. Wearing my hair long was like having built in earmuffs. I’d made my bed and now it was time to lie in it. “It’s cute,” I managed to say without blubbering.

“
Wait till I style it. This is your wash-and-wear look. When I’m done, you will be runway material. I’m going to put a deep conditioner in your hair and do a roller wrap.” Pulling me by the hand, she led me back to the shampoo bowl.

With each step I struggled against the tears that were threatening to fall.

***

Kenya was right, the curls really set the haircut off. I was impressed with the end results. Turning my head from side to side, I could hardly believe I was the woman in the mirror. “Does this mean I’ll have to sleep on my elbows or with my head hanging over the bed?”

“
For tonight, hang that head, boo. You want to knock him out the chair, right? Even though this cut will look good without the curls, tomorrow is too special of a day to get used to something new. All you need now is to get rid of the bush over your eyes, get some new cloths, and you’ll look ten years younger.”