Dunces Anonymous (8 page)

“An application letter?” said Stacey.

“That's right,” Wang stood up too. “With a list of all your extracurricular activities.”

“All my extracurricular activities?” said Stacey.

“Since kindergarten,” Magnolia added.

“And three teachers' signatures!” Wang put in.

“Three teacher's signatures!”

“Right,” said Josh, raising his mallet. “As president, I now declare this meeting over!”

“Over? Hey…,” Stacey spluttered.

Josh brought down the mallet and whacked it very hard, right next to Stacey Hogarth's bum. He scooted out of his chair and ran to the classroom door, Magnolia and Wang close behind him.

“You can't do this, you guys!” Stacey shouted, jumping down from the desk. But Josh, Wang and Magnolia were already out the door and into the hallway when they heard her call after them, “You can't stop me from being a Young Leader of the Future!”

TEN
EMMETT MA KES HIS MOVE

A
week and a half until the dress rehearsal! Magnolia walked out of the school building, deep in thought. Mrs. Karloff had just finished explaining everything about the dress rehearsal to the cast. It was going to be a big deal. Everyone would be wearing costumes; there would be lights and sound effects and props, sword-fights and sets and a rope ladder for Romeo to climb up to Juliet's balcony.

What Mrs. Karloff didn't know was that the dress rehearsal would also be the scene of the final act in Operation Free Juliet.

Their plan was to make Magnolia's mother believe that Emmett had a secret admirer who was his One True Love—a girl fated to play Juliet opposite Emmett's Romeo. Magnolia would reveal the identity of the secret admirer in a dramatic scene during the dress rehearsal, when her mother, enthralled by the action on stage, would fall for the story. She'd never guess it was all a ruse cooked up by Dunces Anonymous! Magnolia shivered and tucked her hands into the sleeves of her trench coat. It was late afternoon on a cold November day, the last rays of sunlight glinting on the icicles that hung from the eaves of the school building.

For the past two weeks, Magnolia had been thinking of what she would say during the scene of dramatic revelation. Now, as her shoes crunched through the film of ice that had formed on the puddles in the schoolyard, Magnolia practiced the lines in her head. She tried them this way and that, considering when to pause and which words to emphasize for maximum dramatic effect. She was so preoccupied that she didn't notice Emmett until he jumped off of the jungle gym and landed right in front of her.

“‘What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!'”

“Knock it off, Emmett,” Magnolia grumbled, recovering from her surprise. “Rehearsal's over.”

She moved to the right to step around him, but Emmett jumped in front of her again.

“I am not rehearsing, my bright angel,” he said. He looked at her with love-struck eyes.

“Then stop bugging me,” Magnolia answered, irritated. She tried to step around him again, this time to the left, but again Emmett jumped in front of her.

“Not bugging, but begging, my heart's dear love.” Emmett grabbed her hand and fell to one knee. “Begging you for one tender kiss!”

“Emmett!” She tried to shake her hand free, but he held it tight. “Stop it! You can't hold hands in the schoolyard! You'll get a detention!”

“Then I will be like Romeo,” Emmett exclaimed. “Banished from the sight of my true love!”

A crazy look gleamed in his eye. He pulled her hand toward him. She felt his wet lips on her fingers.

“Emmett!” Magnolia ripped her hand away. She glanced around for an escape route, but the jungle gym blocked her way. She jumped onto the monkey bars, feeling her palms sting as they gripped the cold metal. She swung herself up and climbed to the top platform.

“Behold, fair Juliet upon her balcony!” Emmett shouted from below. “With love's light wings, I come to thee!”

He jumped onto the monkey bars and began to climb up after her. Magnolia looked around. The only way down was the fireman's pole. She leaped onto the ice-cold pole and slid, her trench coat flapping around her legs, until she landed with a thud in the sand. She took off at a run across the schoolyard.

Dashing through the gate that led to the street, Magnolia glanced over her shoulder and saw Emmett standing at the top of the jungle gym, waving his arms madly.

“Do not flee from me, Magnolia!” he shouted after her. “I know you are my Secret Admirer!”

Magnolia burst into the kitchen, panting. Her mother was singing along to a Céline Dion
CD
and stirring something on the stove. It smelled like curried chicken. At her feet, little Garland was grabbing all the plastic containers out of a drawer and flinging them across the floor.

“That Emmett Blackwell!” Magnolia exclaimed, planting her hands on her hips for dramatic effect.

“What about him, dear?” her mother paused, wooden spoon suspended above the frying pan. “He seems like a lovely boy.”

“He wants to kiss me!”

“Well, of course he does, dear. You're his Juliet!” her mom trilled.

“Oh, sheesh!” Magnolia turned and stomped out of the kitchen, ignoring her mother, who was calling after her:

“Do you want to talk about it, dear?”

Not to you, Magnolia thought.

She stomped upstairs and opened the door to her dad's study without knocking. Inside, her dad and her two middle brothers, Randy and Robin, were standing squashed together on a bridge made of Popsicle sticks. Her dad was an engineer, and he'd been helping the boys with their science fair project.

“Magnolia! Just in time!” her dad motioned her to join them on the bridge. “We need another heavy object!”

“Thanks a lot!” Magnolia huffed.

“Sweetheart, I didn't mean…,” her dad began, but she was already out the door.

Her family was impossible! There was nothing left to do but call Wang and Josh for an emergency meeting at her house after supper.

“So now Emmett thinks I'm his secret admirer!” Magnolia concluded, after telling the boys the story of her encounter in the schoolyard. She flung herself backward onto the sofa. Luckily, her mom and dad were too busy putting her younger brothers to bed to be curious about their meeting.

“That wasn't supposed to happen,” said Wang.

“No kidding,” said Magnolia. “It's going to ruin everything!”

“I hate to tell you guys this,” said Josh, “but that's not our only problem.” He drew a piece of paper from his back pocket.

“Sorry,” Josh continued. “I was going to tell you about this at school tomorrow, but since you're here…” He handed the paper to Magnolia. “Stacey Hogarth just dropped this off. It's her application letter to join the club.”

Magnolia took the letter from Josh. It was printed on heavy cream-colored stationery with the initials
SH
in fancy type at the top. She unfolded it and read aloud.

“Dear Josh,

I would really like to join the President's Special Committee of Young Leaders of the Future. Here is a list of my Leadership Positions and Extracurricular Activities:

Kindergarten: Circle Time Monitor. Head Blackboard-Eraser Cleaner.

Grade One: Captain of the I Can Read Team. Math Olympics gold medalist.

Grade Two: President of the Junior Careers Club.

Grade Three…”

“The Junior Careers Club?” Wang snatched the letter away from Magnolia before she could finish reading it. “We're doomed!”

Magnolia snatched the letter back.

“No, we're not. It's simple,” she said to Josh. “You're the president. Just tell her she's not allowed to join.”

“I can't do that.” Josh pulled a second piece of paper from his pocket. “Stacey dropped this off too.”

Magnolia took it from Josh's hand. It was a photocopy of a page of a book. In the top right-hand corner was written in small type:
Oakview Public School Official Rule Book
. Magnolia skimmed down the page to the lines highlighted in yellow and read aloud.

“Rule number one hundred and thirteen-b: All school clubs shall be open to all students, regardless of age, gender, religion, race, ethnicity, physical or mental disabilities or socioeconomic status.”

“What's a socioeconomic status?” said Wang.

“Beats me,” said Josh. “Whatever it is, I guess Stacey's got one. But in any case, this rule says we have to let her into the club.”

Magnolia turned the paper over in her hands. Then she handed it back to Josh. “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

“Me?” said Josh.

“Of course, you. You're the president, aren't you?” Magnolia demanded.

“Yeah, but…” Josh trailed off.

“I hate to mention this, guys,” Wang piped up. “But we also have to figure out what to do about the Binkles.”

“Sheesh!” Magnolia flopped backward on to the sofa cushions. “I've never seen a club with so many problems! I bet if Stacey knew how many problems we have, she wouldn't even
want
to join!”

Josh paced over to the window. Then he turned around and looked at Magnolia. “Wait a minute. Say that again.”

“I said,” Magnolia huffed, “that if Stacey knew how many problems we have, she wouldn't even
want
to join the club.”

“That's it!” Josh exclaimed. “All we have to do is convince Stacey that she doesn't really want to join the club!”

“But how?” said Wang.

“Yeah, how?” said Magnolia.

“I've got an idea,” said Josh. “A couple of years ago, my mom joined this political party. But she quit because she said there were too many scandals. Maybe we could have, you know, a scandal.”

“A scandal!” Magnolia jumped from the sofa. A scandal had dramatic possibilities. Once, in
Young Hearts Afire
, there was a huge scandal when the chief surgeon, Dr. Deirhart, was accused of stealing money from the hospital's charity fund. The scandal only cleared up when the doctor proved that the hospital's chief accountant was the true culprit.

“I know,” she said. “Josh could steal all the money from the club's bank account!”

“That's illegal!” Josh protested. “Besides, we don't have a bank account.”

“Oh, yeah.” Magnolia slumped back onto the sofa.

“Maybe you could beat up a kid in the schoolyard!” Wang suggested, sketching a few punches in the air.

“Wang! I'm not going to beat up anybody!” Josh looked at Wang like he was crazy.

“Okay, forget that.” Wang lowered his fists with some disappointment. A moment later, he perked up again. “I know! How about a l-o-o-o-ve scandal?”

“A love scandal?” said Josh.

“Yeah!” Wang's eyes grew wide. “What if someone caught you two kissing in the schoolyard?”

“Kissing?!” Magnolia threw up her hands in disgust. “How come
I
always have to
kiss
someone?”

“You don't really have to kiss! You just have to look like you're kissing. For the camera.”

“The camera?” Josh said doubtfully.

“Sure!” said Wang. “I'll take a picture, and then we'll write something up and send it in to the
Rapsheet
. It'll be great!”

“How do we know they'll put it up on the website?” Magnolia asked.

“No problem. The guy who runs it is a Capulet,” said Wang.

“I don't know, you guys,” said Josh.

“Well, I think it's a good idea!” said Magnolia. “Besides, it'll prove to Emmett Blackwell that I'm not his Secret Admirer!”

“Come on, Prez! It's a plan that solves two problems at once! What could be better than that?” said Wang.

“Maybe a plan that doesn't make me totally embarrassed,” Josh muttered.

“It's only acting,” said Magnolia. “It's not for real.”

“I know, but…,” said Josh.

“Great!” said Wang. “Then we'll meet Saturday morning at seven in the schoolyard!”

ELEVEN
SCANDAL ON THE RAPSHEET

W
ang pulled up the
Rapsheet
on his computer and leaned back in his chair. Another cunning plan, flawlessly executed.

Across the top of the screen blared the headline:
LOVE SCANDAL ROCKS YOUNG LEADERS!

Beneath the headline was the photo that he'd taken in the schoolyard on Saturday morning. The sun was glinting off the frost on the jungle gym, creating a romantic halo effect. Josh and Magnolia were standing on the sand, their faces half hidden by one of the jungle gym's wooden posts. Their hands were clasped together on the post and they were leaning in close to each other. Though you couldn't actually see their lips touching—that part was hidden by the post—it didn't take much to imagine a passionate kiss.

It was a photographic masterpiece! And the story, which Magnolia had helped write, was pretty good too:

Josh Johnson, the president of the Young Leaders of the Future club, was caught breaking school rules today, when an informant for the
Rapsheet
snapped this photo of him in the schoolyard kissing another member of the club, Magnolia Montcrieff.

Magnolia is playing Juliet in the upcoming school play,
Romeo and Juliet
. Rumor had it that she was dating the other star of the play, Emmett Blackwell.

Looks like they're toast!

In fact, our informant tells us that Josh and Magnolia are Going Out.

“They're definitely more than just friends,” said our confidential informant. “They're totally into each other!”

Hey, Josh, it's a school club, not a nightclub! Keep your hands to yourself, you girl mauler!

“Girl mauler!” Josh exclaimed, right in Wang's ear. He and Magnolia were reading the blog over Wang's shoulder, on the computer in Wang's living room. A chopping sound came from the kitchen, where Wang's dad was preparing supper while his mom closed up the store downstairs.