Dust of Snow (24 page)

I considered not telling Ashley where I was
going, but that felt like a cowardly decision. Also probably a
foolish one. I left a concise but friendly message on his cell
phone, trying not to sound like I was defending my decision to meet
with David. As soon as I hung up, a text came through.

In meetings, can’t answer. Sorry, everything
okay?

Going to David’s to pick up Curly
, I
wrote back, and immediately followed it up with David’s address. I
wasn’t surprised when my phone rang thirty seconds later. I
expected him to be angry, but instead he sounded resigned.

“Any way I can talk you out of this?” he
asked.

“I’m just taking Curly and leaving. Ashley,
it’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” he whispered miserably and my heart
clenched. “I have to get back. Thanks for letting me know. I’m
forwarding that address to my dad, though. Tell me when you’re
going, and if I haven’t heard from you in two hours his troops will
be raiding David’s house. You might want to tell him that.”

I laughed a little, although I had my
suspicions he was perfectly serious. “I’ll let him know.”

“I—” Ashley broke off. I heard voices in the
background, and he swore softly. “I miss you,” he said. “The road
report is shit, but I’ll try to get back tonight.”

“Don’t worry.” I glanced out the window at
the swirling flakes. “I don’t want you driving in this. Besides,
I’m having dinner with Mother. As long as you’re back for New
Year’s Eve tomorrow, that’s all that matters.” I’d usually found
New Year’s to be much ado about nothing, especially since David
hadn’t been one for holiday spirit.

Why did I stay with him for so long? Why
was he the one who left? It should have been me
.

“I will be. I promise. I’m kissing you at
midnight, Gregory.”

I grinned. “Damn right you are. You got the
memo that Carl’s closing the office for the whole day, right?
Corporate wanted us to come in for the morning, but he said, and I
quote, ‘
Je m'en fou
.’”

Ash chuckled. “What does that mean?”

“Damned if I know, but it means we get the
day off. I figure you can come over after you get home. Be safe,
okay?”

“You too. Seriously, if that son of a
bitch—”

“I know. I’ll be okay. Talk to you soon,” I
told him, wishing I could hug him through the phone.

David lived in an old apartment complex at
the edge of town, built sometime in the eighties. It wasn’t the
best neighborhood, but it seemed safe enough. Whoever owned the
building had tried to keep up with repairs and paint jobs, and
small but cheerful lights blinked from the bushes, lighting my
path.

I punched his buzzer number into the keypad
by the door, shivering as the wind blew up, swirling snow around my
boots. The intercom crackled.

“Come on up.” The door unlocked with a low
buzz.

I stabbed the button. “No. You come down,
David.”

“But—”

“Come. Down.”

The intercom went silent after a burst of
static. I tugged down my hat over my ears and waited. When David
appeared, his hands were empty.

“Just give me the cat, David,” I said
wearily.

“Won’t you come in? Have a drink?” His face
was drawn, and his hair lank. Still handsome, but some of his shine
was gone. “I know you hate the cold.”

“I told you on the phone this isn’t a social
visit.”

“Please.” He gripped the doorframe like he
might keel over without it. “Just for a few minutes. I feel like it
would give me… closure.”

Closure?
I wanted to demand,
from
what?
But I gritted my teeth. It used to be one of his tactics
to rile me up into fights. He loved drama, I now realized. And I
also recognized the weakness within me that wanted to give in, that
wanted to avoid an unpleasant confrontation out here, even though I
knew deep down it would only lead to a fight inside his apartment.
I stood my ground, but it made my stomach churn.

“I am not coming inside. I am going to wait
here until you bring Curly down. If you’ve changed your mind about
the money, I brought my checkbook.”

That seemed to piss him off. His eyes
narrowed. “Fine,” he gritted out. “I forgot what an unreasonable
little drama queen you could be.”

I said nothing, recognizing it for the
baiting projection it was. David’s shoulders hunched and he trudged
away without a word.

Curly looked a little uncombed, but apart
from that no worse for wear. At least he’d taken her carrier and
she was comfortable. David, on the other hand, had a mean look in
his eyes, and I knew he was gearing up to do as much damage as he
possibly could. Suddenly I understood more about him than I ever
had, and I felt sorry for him.

“You do realize,” he began, puffing up his
chest, “that everything was your fau—”

I held up a hand and he fell silent
immediately.

“Don’t even try it, David. It’s not going to
work. Your self-loathing and negative thinking is no one’s fault.
Not mine, and not even yours. But the only person who can do
anything about it is you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, you
piece of sh—”

“Just listen to yourself,” I quietly said.
Oddly enough, I wanted to help him. “Do you even realize that in
all the years we were together you never told me once you loved me?
Not once.”

“Neither did you.”

“I did, actually, but I stopped over time
because you never said it back. I think if you ever want to have a
healthy relationship with anyone—and I’m not saying this to put you
down, I’m saying this because it’s true—you need to talk to someone
to figure out why that is.”

“If you think you can shove all the blame in
my shoes to make yourself feel better—”

“You’re projecting. I don’t know what it is,
or where it comes from, but there’s something holding you back from
accepting and giving the things that are needed to sustain a
relationship. Look, I’m not going to rehash everything that was
wrong between the two of us, but you did hurt me for a long time.
Whether you did it intentionally or not, maybe you should consider
finding out why it happened in the first place. And why you’re
still trying to make it happen a year after we broke up.”

David’s jaw clenched, and then his face fell.
He didn’t cry, but his eyes glistened. “I want to find out with
you,” he pleaded, and I felt sorry for him even more.

“Because I feel safe to you. Because I’m
familiar. Not because you love me. You don’t. And I don’t love you,
David. Not anymore. It’s time to move on. I’m sorry I didn’t have
the guts to break up with you. I realize that was my mistake, and I
should’ve ended things a long time before they became as bad as
they did. But it felt familiar and safe to me too. Safer than being
alone, anyway.” The carrier was getting heavy, and Curly meowed
pathetically.

“Greg, please,” he whispered, and I turned my
heart into a stone.

“Sort yourself out. Grow a pair and face your
faults. Do something about them, and find someone you can love
without feeling resentful about it. Everyone deserves that.”

“Is that what you have with your new
guy?”

I thought of Ashley and smiled. “I hope so.”
I took a step back. “Good-bye, David.”

With my head high, I left him behind.

FIFTEEN

“HOW ARE YOU, darling?” Mother asked me, giving me a
hug. The three kisses were, apparently, a thing of the past. “You
look a bit tired.”

“Long week, but otherwise good.” I hadn’t
told her about David taking Curly, and there was no point now.
“Post-Christmas hangover, I guess. How about you?”

“I’m doing very well,” she said, smiling as
she took her menu from the waitress. “Want to share some
edamame?”

“Mmm, yes please.” I peered at the sushi
menu. “Have you decided yet?”

“On what, dear?” Mother buried her nose in
her menu, and I knew she was faking it. I stared at her in silence
until she peeked at me and put down her menu. With a great big sigh
she reached for her water glass. “I don’t know, Gregory. I lived
with your father for so long, and when I was practically booted out
of the home I’d made for all of us, it broke my heart. I like where
I live now. I like the location and the service I get. I like
everything about it. If I leave all that behind for Valerie’s
house…”

“You’re already thinking of moving in with
her?” Whoa.

“Life is short, Gregory. What do I have to
lose? Well, aside from all the things I just mentioned.”

“I understand, Mother,” I murmured, and
reached for her hand. “And I’m sure she does too. There’s no rush
anyway, right? It’s not like one of you could get knocked up.” I
sniggered when she kicked me under the table, but she grinned
anyway.

“How about you? How are things with
Ashley?”

“He’s traveling right now,” I said, studying
my menu again intently.

“Oh, no you don’t. Spill it.” She pushed down
my menu, and I bit my lip. It did nothing to keep the smile at bay.
I took a deep breath.

“I think I’m falling in love with him.” Was I
actually saying that out loud? More than that—was it actually true?
Yes and yes
. “And it makes me incredibly happy and
incredibly scared.”

Mother smiled at me brilliantly. “It’s meant
to, darling. Oh, I’m so happy for you. Is he good to you?”

“A little bit too good. I think he wants to
protect me from everything.”

“Isn’t that a great thing? You’ve seen the
other side from very close up, Gregory. Both from me and your dad,
and then even closer with David. So maybe that’s just something you
need to get used to. Let him take care of you, if that’s what he
wants. It doesn’t mean he thinks you’re weak. It means he loves you
too. And with true love comes the fear of loss, because eventually
it will happen. All you can hope for is a ripe old age when it
does.” She blinked into space. “And a touch of senility,
maybe.”

“Mother,” I chided, but I snorted a laugh.
Our mildly confused waitress held up her notepad.

“Do you need another minute? Or do you have
some questions about the menu?”

“I think we’ve both made up our minds,”
Mother said, and smiled.

“I’m checking out and getting in the car. No
way am I leaving you alone tonight. Are the doors locked? Jesus, he
still has a key, doesn’t he? You should go to my place. I’ll call
my mom and she’ll give you my spare key, and—”

I suppressed a sigh and a grin
simultaneously. “Ash, I’m
fine
. Stay where you are. There
was a pileup on the highway and it would take you all night in this
weather. It’s supposed to clear by morning.”

“He’s not stable, Gregory. He could turn into
a stalker.”

“He won’t.” I sighed and stared at the
ceiling of my living room. The shadow of the fire flickered,
meeting the warm glow of the red, green, yellow, pink, and blue of
my Christmas tree. Curly sat on my stomach and seemed to have
settled in for the night, which could turn problematic for my full
bladder. “I think I got through to him. It was a hard talk for both
of us, but I can only hope he heard what I said.”