Duty and Devotion (19 page)

“True. But it takes more than a record to make a good captain.” Richard leaned forward, elbows on his knees.

“Very true. It takes a certain accumen of political savvy which I don't have.” Evan matched Richard's position. “I've never expressed interest in going higher on the food chain here. I'm happy where I am.”

“Is that a no?” Aida moved to the edge of the couch.

“No, it's not. I just want a straight answer.”

Aida and Richard shared a sidelong glance, and Aida nodded slightly.

“You're a prime candidate because of your record and your…personal situation. We don't have enough diversity high up in the rankings, Evan. And you are perfect for what we're looking for.” Aida smiled. “That's the truth.”

“Not enough white guys in charge,” Evan quipped, even as his palms began to sweat.

“Not enough gay men in charge.” Richard threw the gauntlet down.

“I'm not…”

Aida waved her hand. “Bisexual, whatever the terminology you use. You live openly with another man, a former police officer. You're accepted by your fellow officers. It's the perfect situation.”

Silence swelled in the office.

Vic coughed again, shifted in his seat.

“So what puts me over the edge in terms of the competition is that I live with another man?” The entire meeting was surreal, ironic. All that time he worried what being with Matt would do to his career, and now it was directing him to a promotion.

The singled-out part bothered him. A lot. He knew there was nothing at all wrong with his record or his ability. He knew he could become a good captain.

He didn't want to be known as the “gay” captain because someone needed a political quota.

“It's certainly a plus. We wouldn't be talking to you if the rest of your record wasn't exemplary.” As he sat back, Richard gave him an appraising look. “You know you can do this. You know it would be good for people. Reverse stereotypes.”

Evan opened his mouth to snap something, but he reined it in. Because he had as many stereotypes as the people Richard was talking about.

He had his own preconceived notions that he had fought against.

The reality of the situation was—he lived with a man. He was in love with a man, someone he trusted with the raising of his children. Gay, bisexual, formerly straight; words that didn't entirely encompass the situation.

“I'm not interested in being a symbol,” Evan said finally. “If you'd like to evaluate me on the basis of my record, then please do. If the only winning point is me being bisexual, then I'd rather not have the job.”

He gave Vic a nod, stood up and extended his hand to Aida and Richard. “Thank you. And good luck in finding your next captain.”

Evan got collared by Helena as he walked out of Vic's office and all but thrown into an empty interrogation room.

“What the hell was that?” she said, the second after the door snicked closed.

“They're trying to fill a quota.” Evan half laughed, half sighed as he threw himself into a chair. “They want a gay captain.”

“And they picked you?” Helena grabbed a chair across from him, her jaw literally dropping.

“Is that surprising for some reason?”

“You're not exactly very out and…ohhhhhh.” She nodded knowingly. “Gay but straight. They must've found out about you and started drooling.”

“I'm not sure which part to be more horrified by, to be quite honest.”

She gave him a semidisappointed look. “I know how much you hate being labeled…”

“I do, because you know—it shouldn't matter. But then it does, right? It matters to me.” Evan wiped his forehead with the palm of his hand. “I get all indignant about being called gay, like it's wrong or hurtful or an insult. Meanwhile…” Evan sighed, thinking about all the fights he and Matt had been having lately. “Meanwhile, I go home every night to Matt.”

“It bothers you that people know that.”

Evan resisted the urge to bang his forehead against the table. “It shouldn't.”

“It's scary, waiting for people to judge you.”

“What if I'm judging myself? I fell in love. That's the bottom line. I wasn't looking, I wasn't exploring. I wasn't making a statement. I was drowning and I fell in love. Everything else is other people's shit.”

“You're a lucky man. Lightning doesn't usually strike twice. Some of us are still waiting to get hit.” Helena reached across the table to grab his hand. “I know things haven't been easy for you lately.”

“I think I've been kind of a homophobe.” Evan sighed.

“A bisexual homophobe. You just don't do anything easy, do you?”

“I also think I'm kind of a jerk sometimes.”

“Can I plead the Fifth?”

“You know, as my best friend and partner, feel free to start defending my honor at any time.”

“You say something I don't agree with, and I'll jump right in.”

“Ooooo, burn.”

“Jerk.” Helena shook her head. “It's not like the world and society and people make it easy, Evan. To be gay or bi or single or whatever it is that isn't previously approved as the status quo. You're just a normal person—I hate to break this to you.”

Evan smiled as he squeezed her fingers between his. “This shouldn't be the norm. My kids deserve better, Matt deserves better. Hell—so do I.”

“You going to pursue the captain thing?”

“I told them to feel free to consider me for the job but I didn't want to be their token gay captain.”

“Bisexual captain.”

“Whatever. My love life shouldn't have any bearing on my job, unless I'm dating a pony.”

“Um…ew.”

“This is what I'm saying.” Evan checked his watch. “We have to get back to work.”

“When you're the boss, I want longer breaks.”

His brain ticked and churned and returned to the conversation in Vic's office. He'd managed a few moments alone with his captain before he left, and Vic was apologetic for everything, but Evan thanked him. Sometimes he needed a kick in the ass.

Or ten.

Evan took the long way home; he didn't want to walk through the door and let his mouth convey something to Matt he didn't mean to.

Like he was ashamed of them. Like he didn't truly value their relationship.

Like somehow there was regret that they fell in love.

What had Helena said? Lightning didn't strike twice very often? He and Sherri, he and Matt. There were differences, of course, but in both relationships, Evan felt like the same person. The same worries, the same joys. Day to day changed, but God, day to day changed when he and Sherri were together. Teenagers in love don't compare to twins crying for bottles at three a.m.

Sherri didn't exactly compare to Matt, but Evan—Evan was the constant. And Evan was the only one who could make the necessary adjustments.

By the time he pulled up to the house, Evan felt the knot in his chest unraveling. His brain simmered down enough to pull into the garage without hitting the cans, and he sat for another second, two dueling thoughts in his head.

What was he going to say to Richard and Aida next time they asked about the captain track? And how was he going to go forward with Matt?

Step one was apparently getting out of the car.

The lights were on, the faint sound of the television filtering through to his ears as he walked up the front steps. For a moment he paused to look through the picture window and caught a glimpse of the kids sprawled around the living room. Katie was on the phone. The twins were watching television, each staking out one of the sofas as their own. Every light in the house seemed to be on, meaning Matt was attempting to cook dinner. Everything about the scene was inviting and comforting and home; for a second Evan worried he would have to take another lap around the neighborhood to keep the tears out of his eyes.

But Evan caught hold of his emotions and opened the door, stepping into the bright lights, volume on high version of the muted scene through window. It overwhelmed for a moment, then Evan smiled.

“Hey, Daddy,” Elizabeth called from the sofa, curled in a sleepy ball as she gave him a wave.

He got a nod from Danny and one from Katie who continued her “Uh-huh, uh-huh, oh my God” litany into the cell.

Just a normal evening in the Cerelli/Haight household.

“I'm sorry, do I know you?” Matt called from the kitchen, using three kitchen towels to move a clearly steaming dish from the oven to the counter.

“I'm sorry, are you cooking?” Evan approached the kitchen warily.

“It might be a casserole.”

“Might?”

Matt waved the steam away from the bubbling top. “There was a recipe on the back of the macaroni box.”

Evan saw the table set for more than their usual number and started to worry he forgot something.

“Company?”

“Sorta.” Matt leaned against the counter and gave Evan one of those patented wicked smiles of his. “We're hosting an impromptu prewedding bash.”

“Bash?”

“Okay, casserole for you and me and the kids and Vic and Serena and Helena.”

“Helena didn't mention…”

“Helena probably didn't know until her mother called her.”

“Oh she'll be in a fun mood tonight.”

Matt gave him a skewed look as he if were detecting an off odor. “What's up?”

“Weird day. I'll tell you later.” He noticed then the huge arrangement of fruit and flowers on the counter. “What the heck is that?”

“Bennet and Daisy sent us a token of their appreciation or something like that. Look at the size of those apples. The size of a freaking cat.”

“Why are they appreciative of us?”

“I have no idea. I was hoping you could explain manners in high society to me, because last I checked, I'm consulting and getting paid shitloads of money. Now I have giant fruit.”

“I guess they're just being nice.” Evan undid his tie. “I'm taking a shower before everyone gets here.”

“Too late, headlights in the driveway. You smell fine.”

“So, sorry about that earlier today,” Vic said as Evan took his coat.

“Don't worry about it.”

“I had plans tonight,” Helena groused under her breath. “Did you talk to Matt about the job?”

“No, so be quiet,” Evan said even as Vic's voice boomed from the kitchen.

“Captain?” he heard Matt say, and he sighed.

“Yeah, well, cat's out of the bag.” Evan walked into the kitchen where Vic, Matt, and Serena stood. “It was just an inquiry to see if I was interested.”

“Well shit,” Matt said, his eyes wide. “That's amazing—congratulations.”

“I take full credit,” Vic smiled, clapping Evan on the shoulder.

“This is very exciting.” Serena gave him a hug. “I feel like a torch is being passed.”

Matt stared at Evan still, and Evan shrugged, smiled. “I have a long road to go, and it might not even happen.”

“Think positively,” Helena said, stealing bread off the table. “Someday soon you'll be hip deep in paperwork, having to go to meetings and conferences and eat bad chicken while you listen to budget recommendations.” She smiled sweetly. “Try not to miss us little peons.”

* * *

That night, Evan and Matt lay entwined in bed, sweaty and tired. They were getting better at the quiet, mind-blowing sex, thanks to a tireless attention to practice.

“Captain Cerelli, hmmm. You gonna get new dress blues?” Matt's voice was low, dirty.

Evan smirked. “Yeah.”

“Looking forward to that.”

“You can make anything perverted, can't you?”

“I try.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, but Evan could feel the tension in Matt's body.

“What?”

Matt sighed. “I know you've thought about this, but if you do become captain, it's going to be tough to keep us a secret,” he began.

Evan held up his hand.

“They know. It seems like it was a factor in them approaching me.”

Matt whistled.

“And you're okay with that?”

“Define okay?”

“You're going along with it.”

“I think I could be a decent captain.” Evan shrugged. “I think I deserve to be considered.”

“I'm beginning to think you got body snatched.”

Evan sat up, looking down at Matt, his face serious.

“I'm just trying a lot harder than I was before. I don't want to waste my time anymore, Matt—I don't want to waste our time.”

“Okay.” Matt reached up and mock clocked him in the chin. “I believe you're really Evan Cerelli, and this is all really fucking amazing.”

Chapter Twenty

A few weeks later

“Are you sure you have everything?” Matt intoned, his voice solemn and serious as he stood beside Evan in the foyer of the restaurant. “The ring, your prepared toast?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Shut up and stop trying to make me nervous.”

“I'm making you nervous?” Matt sounded delighted. Evan forgave him his glee only because he looked obscenely good in his dark blue suit and polka-dotted tie.

“You have a job to do too, you know…” Evan surreptitiously felt around in his own navy suit pocket for the ring box and index card of notes.

“I'm pretty sure I can handle being charming and telling fifty people where to sit,” he said. A nearby antique mirror drew him over for another quick hair and tie check. “Forgot my riot gear, though.”

“Just do me a favor and make sure the kids don't run amuck.”

“The kids not running amuck is my full-time job, soon-to-be Lieutenant Cerelli. And I'm fairly brilliant at it.”

Evan smiled; he slipped his hand into Matt's and didn't even check over his shoulder to see who might be watching. “Yes. Yes, you are.”

“Plus I gave them each twenty bucks to behave.”

Evan sighed. “Twenty?”

“Katie negotiated.” Matt shrugged. “We probably need to start saving for law school with that one.”

It was such an uncomplicated, natural domestic moment that Evan squeezed Matt's hand in lieu of words. Matt smiled back, not quite understanding judging by the look in his eyes.

“Good thing you got that glamorous security job.”

“Consulting must be Latin for shitload of money, not a lot of work.” Matt grinned. He gestured toward the closed front doors of the restaurant with his shoulder. “Should I go out and start directing people inside?”

Evan checked his watch. “Might as well. I have to go find Vic and make sure he's ready.”