Dying to Forget (6 page)

“Have I done something wrong?” I ask timidly.

“Oh, gosh no! I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to worry you. Here, come this way.”

My naked feet pad softly on the cold floor as I follow him around a corner and through a small open doorway. There is a large conference style table sitting in the center of the room and a startlingly beautiful girl about my age sitting with her elbows resting on the table. When we enter the room she stands abruptly and looks nervously between me and Niles. She’s wearing a long-sleeve sweater the color of pink bubblegum that hugs her curves and a short pleated skirt. I think
‘Cheerleader’
and instantly dislike her.

Confused, I look up at Niles who is smiling down at me. “Piper, this is Mallory Storm. She was your Volunteer.”

My Volunteer?

Mallory’s breath hitches as my face falls. She hasn’t moved from her spot behind the table and I’m not sure I want her to come near me. Am I mad at her for failing me…or should I be grateful she tried at all?

I'm so confused.

“I don’t understand,” I say just above a whisper…aiming the question at Niles.

“Piper, usually Volunteers don’t meet their assignments, but when you arrived Mallory insisted on it. I’ll wait outside in the hall for you, okay?” Niles says calmly.

“You’re leaving me here…with
her
?” I gasp.

For the first time, Niles looks sternly at me, before he says quietly, “Piper, this is a conversation that I believe should be held in private…between only you and Miss Mallory.” And with that he leaves the room, closing the door softly behind him.

***

“Please, sit down,” Mallory says, using her hand to gesture at one of the vacant chairs. I notice that her hand is shaking slightly and this makes me just a little bit happy.

“Should I be upset with you?” I’m not sure why I ask the question and it seems to surprise Mallory.

“Well, I guess that feeling could be mutual.” She smiles at me, a knowing look in her eyes.

“You think I let
you
down?” I ask incredulously.

Mallory sighs and shifts in her chair. I’m trying not to stare at her features, but her large, blue eyes, full and perfectly rosy lips and long blonde hair is a bit distracting. She’s the Station’s version of a living Barbie doll.

“I do feel as if I let you down. I hope you know that,” she says it quietly.

“When did you become my Volunteer?” I ask.

“Just shortly after…Ryan.” She brings her gaze up from the table and looks directly at me.

I inhale sharply. “Ryan? You know about that?”

“Of course, Piper. I was in your head for several months. I know pretty much everything.”

My mouth falls open and I’m sure my jaw has hit the floor. When I register the fact that my tongue is still attached and working, I swallow…hard.

“I don’t like the idea of someone being in my head,” I say a bit harshly and Mallory flinches.

“But Piper - that is what you’ve just volunteered to do.”

Oh. Crap. She’s right. I hate that she’s right.

I glare down at my hands, which I’ve been twisting in my lap. It was a habit my Dad hated. I take a deep breath and set my hands calmly on the table top. I let the coolness of the blue-tinted glass run through my skin and imagine it cooling the rising heat of my face.

“Then you know…
everything
?” I look up at her cautiously.

“Yes. Everything. I know you better than Niles does. And Niles knows a lot.” She smiles and I’m sure she’s a bit embarrassed.

“This is so weird,” I mumble to myself.

“I wanted you to know that I tried very hard for you Piper. I really wish things had…ended…differently for you.” I glare at her but I notice when I do that her eyes are beginning to water.

No way. She’s going to cry? For me?

At once I feel like a jerk for making her feel bad. I know after my first training session that Volunteers have no actual control over their assignments. This wasn’t Mallory’s fault, it was mine. Only mine.

“I don’t…
remember
you,” I admit quietly.

“Well, you wouldn’t. From your perspective I was just the nagging voice inside your head. But you are a very stubborn woman, Piper. It was hard for you to hear me.” She laughs then, which makes me smile. Because she’s right…I’m very stubborn. Always have been, probably always will be.

Her face darkens a bit and somehow I know what she’s going to say. “I’m so sorry about Bree. I really liked her.”

Now it’s my turn to cry. I blink rapidly, hoping that keeps the tears from spilling out onto my cheeks, but one manages to escape. Its salty trail trickles over my lips before I have a chance to wipe it away. I can’t speak, so I just nod my head. Mallory gets up slowly from her chair and walks around the table, sitting down carefully into the seat next to me.

“Listen, Piper. You’ve been through a lot. More than any eighteen year old should have to. I know more than anyone what it feels like to be in your situation. Remember, we were matched for a reason? We can’t go back and change the past, but we can make a difference with the future for others.”

Her words are like a soft blanket draped around my shoulders and I look up at her with a small smile. She’s right of course…again. I can’t go back and change the past, even though I know I would do it differently if I could. To think how selfish my decision was brings me nearly to tears again. I can't go back and fix my life. But I can make someone else’s life better. I could even save someone from themself.

“How long have you been here?” I ask her.

She laughs that throaty perfect laugh again. “Oh Piper, I have no idea. But I’ve handled 72 cases. I admit I took a bit of a break after your case." She says the last sentence quietly and looks down at her hands.

I can’t stop myself from blurting out what I know is true, “It wasn’t your fault.”

She smiles a face-splitting grin before leaning over to hug me. I notice her hair smells like grapefruit, just like mine. I hug her back and when we release we both have tears in our eyes.

“You are going to be such a great Volunteer, Piper. You’re a very brave girl.”

Me…brave?
I hope she’s right. Someone else’s life will eventually depend on it.

It seems like Therapy lasts forever in Training. I've picked apart my experience with Ryan Burke and Bree's death with our Trainer. And surprisingly, my story isn't that much different from the others in my classes. It makes me feel like less of a failure and more like a survivor, as ironic as that seems. I know what happened with Ryan wasn't my fault now and that not all young men are like him. Does that change things? Well, not yet, I guess. I can still feel a wall around me when it comes to my thoughts about the opposite sex.

And as for Bree, what happened with her was an accident…careless on my part, but an accident nonetheless. It takes many hugs and sobbing sessions for me to begin to understand this. In time I start to feel stronger but I now have a permanent ache in my heart at the thought of what and who I left behind. I'll never improve if I continue to think about Dad and home, and what I so eagerly left behind in a moment of weakness, so eventually I have to put it away…tucked deeply and safely into my subconscious.

After seven training sessions Niles thinks I’m ready. We are sitting outside near the fountain where we've met after each of my sessions. After I drag my hand through the cool water, creating little waves that reach all the way around the bowl, I finally look up at Niles, who is waiting patiently for me to speak first.

“How did you know you were ready for your first case, Niles?”

“Well, I didn’t. I really disliked my trainer. I felt I had to do something else, or I’d go crazy.” Niles smiles at me as I gawk at his honest answer.

“Niles Abbott, I didn’t think you had an impatient bone in your body!” We both laugh.

“I’m serious though, Piper. I do think you are ready. You’ve been through most scenarios and you have a good mind. You can figure out what to do if you get stuck. Plus, the most basic rule you already know. From Mallory.” He says her name softly.

“Yes. That we can only do our best to guide…and regardless of the outcome it’s not our fault if our Assignments fail.” I sigh heavily.

I was a failure. Poor Mallory.

“Exactly, my dear.” He smiles gently at me. “You know, I haven’t seen your friend Kerry-Anne lately. Is she out on her first assignment already?”

“Yes.” I beam at Niles. “Just after her third training session.”

He nods with a smile. “Perhaps she will return before you go out for the first time.”

“That would be nice.” I stare at my naked feet. “I guess I can go to the Consignment Department and let them know I’m ready.”

“You might still have to wait a bit for the right match, of course.” Niles reminds me and I nod in understanding.

“Okay. I’ll do it. Feel like walking me there?”

***

More paperwork. I wonder where they get the paper
from
, considering the only trees I’ve seen are from the giant redwoods by the front gate. I’ve learned to not ask myself questions like these too often, or I’d go absolutely insane. The Station is full of a lot of unanswered questions and none of the staff seem too preoccupied with the
why’s, how’s,
or
what if’s.
And they aren't talking freely about them, either.

Inside the second door of the Consignment Department is a large room with a giant counter-top that runs the length of the wide and open space. There are several partitions, at least a dozen I think, and unlike the Admissions Department there are no lines but individual seating areas in front of each partition.

Crap, it's the after-life DMV.

“To sign up, you’ll want to wait in the first line, here,” Niles tells me. There aren’t more than four people sitting in each section. Hopefully this means the wait won’t be long.

“Okay. Do you have to go?” I ask him, hoping he will stay with me.

“Yes dear, duty calls.”

He gives me a wink and turns to leave the building. I stare at the blue diamond pattern of his sweater vest as he walks away. I wonder how long Niles has been here and make a mental note to ask him when I’m done in line.

I wait only minutes before my name is called. Fortunately, the man behind the counter is much friendlier than Tight Bun Lady was and better looking too. Though his skin is pale, he has bright green eyes and a soft smile. I'm so grateful he's fully clothed, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd be staring at the muscles he seems to have beneath his t-shirt. I've been allowing myself small moments to appreciate the male form. With a desk between us, I feel safe enough to stare.

“Name, please?” He actually manages to sound as if he hasn't asked this question a thousand times already.

“Piper Willow,” I say calmly.

“Hello Piper, my name is Drew. Give me just one second here to find your file, okay?” He nods at me pleasantly as he shuffles through some papers behind the counter where I can’t see. His wavy blonde hair shifts around his head and tickles his ears as he moves. He shows a full mouth of perfectly aligned, white teeth when he smiles. I try to blink. I really do.

Stop staring, Piper!

“Ahh. There you are. A relatively New Arrival, is that right, Piper?”

Where did he pull this paperwork from?

I answer, “Yes. I’ve been waiting for the right time to come in, I guess.”

He waves dismissively. “No need to explain, Piper. Volunteering is a very serious job. Not to be taken lightly. We want you to be absolutely ready.”

With that comment my fragile confidence goes catapulting at mach-speed to the floor, shattering into a million pieces. I stare down at my hands, defeated.

Drew senses my change in mood and adds quickly, “Piper, your Training Officer gives you very high marks. And Mr. Abbott speaks very fondly of you.” There's that dazzling smile again.

“Really?”
High marks?

“Yes and if you feel you are in fact ready, I can process your activation paperwork now.” He smiles and his teeth sparkle against the white of the room.

I wiggle in my seat and stare at Drew, who is patiently waiting for my decision. “Okay,” I squeak.

“Are you sure?” He raises a light brown eyebrow at me.

“Yes,” I say, with a firmer tone.

I’m ready. I can do this.

“Good.” He stands and grabs at the pile of paperwork between us. “I’ll be right back.”

I watch him walk all the way to the end of the counter, which is enjoyable, to say the least, where an older woman with long brown hair is stamping something. She pauses to look up at him before taking the stack of papers. She riffles through them and then stamps several before handing them back to Drew. I try to act as if I wasn’t staring when he returns to our end of the counter.

“All approved. You're all set to go, Piper.” He smiles at me while dropping my paperwork into something behind the counter.

Drawers, maybe?

“That’s it?” I try not to look too shocked.

“Yep, that’s it. Now check in with the billboard on the back wall to see that your profile is active. That will show when your case is ready, your current status, etc. Don’t worry; it might be a little while before you are given your first case. We take great pains to ensure each Volunteer is matched properly. Take this with you - it will light up in case you aren’t in the building when your new assignment comes in.”

I nod at him before standing from the chair to accept the small glass disk that hangs from a long metal chain from his proffered hand. It's clear and I study it to see where it will light up from, but I see nothing inside.

“Oh, and Piper?”

I look up at Drew once more. “Yes?”

“Good luck.” He smiles reassuringly and I start to pick my shattered confidence up off the floor.