Dying to Run (8 page)

I blinked, from what I’d heard Sham wasn’t overly emotional.

“You’re okay,” he said.

I stood, held out my arms, and spun a slow circle. “Everything’s intact.”

He gave me half a smile before the seriousness returned. “Nathan?”

“He missed all the excitement.”

“Nana?”

“She’s okay.” I shuddered, sinking back into the hard chair and remembering that she’d come close to being a long ways from okay.

“Jesse?”

I stared at the hospital wall, unable to meet his gaze. “Haven’t seen him since the explosion.”

“Explosion?”

“Jesse rigged the ranch house to blow so he could kill Ramirez, Panetti, Damon.” I lifted my hands. “We think Ramirez escaped in one of the planes, but Jesse killed his dad, Damon, and a whole ton of other men.”

“Good man.”

I jerked to stare at him. “Good man? He killed a lot of people.”

Sham nodded. “A lot of people who were selling, torturing, and often murdering human beings.” Sham held my gaze until I had to look away. He was right, but it still made me sick. “The problem isn’t those men dying,” Sham continued, “From what Nathan has told me you want to stop trafficking as much as any of us. The problem is you love Jesse Panetti and you want him to be this perfect man, which none of us can be.”

I closed my eyes, but all I could see were Jesse’s sculpted features. I missed him and it had only been one day. “Who told you I love him?”

“It’s all over your face.”

“I’m not sure I can love him after what he did.”

He nodded. “We all make sacrifices to protect the children. Jesse did what he had to do. You don’t understand. We live in a different world than you. A world of kill or be killed. A world where we are sworn to protect the children at all costs. But no matter how it bothers you, Jesse did the right thing, the noble thing in my eyes.”

I stared. Sham was right. These men were at war. What did I know about the battle against human trafficking? I admired them for what they were doing. I thought about that cute little boy Jesse had protected from the guard. The children were worth any sacrifice, but my image of Jesse
had
been shattered. I’d idealized who he was and what his mission was. I felt let down and nauseous. Could I love this new Jesse, this violent, killing Jesse? I didn’t know yet.

“You’re right,” I admitted when the silence had stretched on for too long, “it’s hard for me to understand.”

“Ah.” Sham nodded, his dark eyes solemn as they swept over my face. “That is because of your innocence.”

“You mean stupidity, naivety, lack of exposure to the big, bad world you live in.” I gnawed at the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood. I didn’t like being labeled as innocent when that wasn’t really what he meant.

Sham clucked his tongue. “No, you are wrong, Miss Cassidy. Your innocence is beautiful. When I say you’re innocent, I mean you are honest and pure. You are the sweet and fun Cassidy I’ve heard so much about. Even Damon was drawn in by your light. Never make fun of that. We all need softness and innocence such as you possess and see it far too little.”

Unsure how to respond, I simply nodded my thanks and clutched my hands together. It was nice that someone thought my “innocence” was beautiful. I just felt dense most of the time.

Sham studied me for a while before saying with his soft accent, “I let Damon kidnap you.”

“When you get shot and pass out from lack of blood, I give you an official ‘stop blaming yourself card.’”

He stared at me again. “You do not understand. I am bound to protect you.”

I leaned away, slamming my back into the hard chair. “Bound? Don’t you think that’s a little . . . Robin Hoodish?”

His eyebrows dipped together. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean, Cassidy.”

I cringed at the way he kept saying my full name. Jesse used it much too often. “Okay, first of all, it’s Cassie.”

“Cassie.” He nodded and smiled.

“And second, you don’t need to be bound to me.”

He shook his head. “You don’t understand what this means. First, I am bound to protect the children of my home. Second, I am bound to protect Nathan Christensen, your father, who is the protector of children everywhere.”

“Huh? I thought he just helped out in Mexico.”

“No. Your father came to Mali years ago and helped free many from oppression. I swore to protect him and stay by his side. I failed to protect your mother.” He closed his eyes for a second before focusing that gaze on me again. “But I will not fail to protect you.”

I swallowed as I thought about my mother. She’d been like a ministering angel to so many; beautiful, kind, and nurturing. Sham blamed himself for not protecting her. No wonder he was being a little silly about this “bound to me” stuff. “No one is blaming you for my mom dying,” I whispered.

“No one but me.”

I exhaled slowly. “Look, if you need to have somebody to protect I understand, but really, I’m doing fine on my own.”

He chuckled and then looked like he regretted it. He drew a long breath before saying, “You have almost died twice in the last month. I do not think this is ‘doing fine’.”

“The man has a point,” I said.

Sham lifted one of his huge hands from the blanket. For some reason I didn’t understand, I leaned closer to him. He placed his hand over my heart. My heartbeat increased and a warmth spread from his hand outward. I wouldn’t have labeled it a physical attraction, but a feeling of peace and well-being.

“I, Sham Jalloh, am bound to protect you, Cassidy Christensen.”

I simply stared at him, for one of the few times in my life I had nothing to say. His hand slowly lowered back to the bed, but the warmth stayed in my chest. After a few seconds I couldn’t take the seriousness of the moment anymore. I batted my eyelashes, tilted my head to the side, and said, “Well that seals it then, we’re bound.”

He smiled. “You are a silly girl.”

I leaned away from him. “Hey, I grew out of silly halfway through college.”

His smile broadened. “Silly is good. I can use more silly in my life.”

“So there’s nothing I can say to stop you from being my protector?”

Sham shook his head and closed his eyes. “No.”

A few minutes later he was breathing deeply. The door softly opened behind me. My dad must’ve finally pried himself from Nana’s side so he could visit his best friend. “I guess Sham and I are bound together.”

“He’s one of the best men I know, but I don’t want you bound to anybody but me.”

I whirled around. “Jesse!”

He smiled. I’d forgotten how good this man looked to me. The sparkle in his dark eyes made my heart rate jump. I tried to suppress the love I felt—I failed completely. It wasn’t just the way he looked, but the way he made me feel: when he spoke, when he stared at me like I was the only woman for him, and especially when he touched me. It was that innate feeling that even though he was hardened enough to kill he was still an amazing man. The kind of man who loved children, would help a stranger without being asked, and give the shirt off his back to me, even though he didn’t want me to see his chest.

We studied each other for a few seconds before he asked, “Can we talk outside?”

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to him, hit him a few times, or throw myself into his arms. I slowly stood, took his offered hand, and followed him out of the room. We walked in silence until we entered a deserted hallway that was familiar.

Jesse pulled me into a hug. His eyes locked onto mine. Slowly, deliberately, he lowered his face. His cinnamon-tinged breath drew me in. Wanting nothing more than to kiss him, I forced myself to resist the temptation and bury my head in his chest. If I let him kiss me, I’d say yes to anything this man wanted. I wasn’t ready for that right now. I made the mistake of inhaling, the soft touch of musk made me tremble and cling more tightly to him.

“Do you remember this hallway?” he whispered into my ear.

I glanced up. “It’s where I found out you are, or were, Panetti’s son.”

He nodded. “You didn’t trust me then because you didn’t have all the facts.”

I bit my lip. “And I don’t trust you now because I have too many.” I pulled away from him, folding my arms across my chest, and studying the clean, white wall.

Jesse sighed. “What’s bothering you the most?”

I focused on him. “You murdering all those men, killing your own dad, almost killing my Nana, Carlos telling me about all the women chasing you, finding out you were a drunk driver and killed a girl in college.”

Jesse flinched as if my words were physically assaulting him.

I couldn’t look at him anymore. “I might not be so bothered if you were
more
bothered.”

Jesse moved to touch me. I backed away. He moaned in frustration. “And we’re in a worse position than we were last time in this hallway.”

I stared, saying nothing.

“Of course it all bothers me, Cassidy. Do you think I’m so hardened to death and dying that I’m not sick about what I had to do?”

I shrugged. “I really don’t know what to think.”

“Well believe me, it more than bothers me.” He moved a step closer. “You
know
I didn’t intend for Nana to get hurt, and I think when you have some time to think you’re going to realize that blowing up that house saved many lives and made a huge difference for the children. Sham and your dad would both tell you I did the right thing.”

I didn’t know how to respond. Sham and my dad had both already given their approval of Jesse, but they lived in an alternate reality as well. The bomb might have been the right thing, it might have saved thousands of children from becoming slaves, for which I would be forever grateful, but the fact of the matter was that Sham was right, I loved this man, and the fact that he could kill people and blow up his own father was a bit disturbing to me. Even if it was for an important cause and that father was a twisted sicko.

“You learning about my past is a nightmare,” Jesse said.

“So you never wanted me to find out?”

He shook his head. “Not really, but I would’ve told you.” He cocked his head to the side. “Don’t give me that look, Cassidy, I would’ve told you, but not like that. It was too much to deal with at the wrong time and I’m still trying to deal with it myself.” He drew in a long breath. “There’s nothing I can do to change it now, but I promise you it will never happen again.”

I considered this for a minute before nodding. He couldn’t change a mistake he made years ago. If I could forgive the man who killed my grandparents driving drunk, I could find a way to forgive Jesse.

I tried to resist, but found myself asking a completely shallow question, “What about all the women?”

“Women do come onto me.” He shrugged like he wasn’t sure why they came onto him and he didn’t know how to make them stop. It was obvious to me why they pursued him. I couldn’t fault their taste, but the jealousy was eating at me.

“But I am
not
a womanizer and I have never felt about any woman the way I feel about you.”

I watched him, knowing in my gut he was telling me the truth. My entire body tingled because of the way he’d emphasized that last phrase. “Sham explained to me that you’re like this noble warrior who has to fight for what’s right.”

Jesse ducked his head. “Warrior works, but noble is definitely wrong.”

“Why?”

He clenched his fist. “If I was noble I would probably be consumed with grief for killing those men, but I feel . . . justified. I don’t like to kill, Cassidy, but I know what I did was the right thing to do.”

I nodded, actually understanding his reasoning, a small part of me actually agreeing that it was the right thing.

“If I was noble, I’d leave you alone.” He flung a hand in my direction. “Look at you, you’re beautiful and innocent and—”

“Okay,” I interrupted, clasping my hands together. “Everybody needs to ease up on my innocence. Am I really just clueless and you’re all trying to make me feel good?”

Jesse actually smiled, despite the turmoil in his eyes. “No, but maybe innocent is the wrong word.” He paused and cleared his throat. “You make me laugh while still being . . . pure. I know whatever you say is exactly what you mean, you couldn’t lie if you tried. But the most amazing thing is how brave you are. All the times you’ve had your life threatened, you didn’t fall apart. Even when you wanted to hurt me for blowing up Nana.” I winced and he hurried on, “You still screamed to distract the guard who would’ve shot me. You’re a fighter. If I wasn’t so overprotective of you, I would love to have you by my side in any battle.”

I smiled, suddenly feeling bashful. “Thanks.”

“The only problem is if I really feel that overprotective of you, why do I keep coming around?” He arched an eyebrow and kept speaking before I could interrupt, “I am completely unworthy of you, yet I keep coming back because I can’t make myself stay away.”

 I glared at him. “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘If you love someone set him free, if he doesn’t come back hunt him down and kill him’?”

Jesse laughed, loud. “I thought you were opposed to killing.”

“Not in this case. If you love me, you’ve got to lay off this crap about not being worthy, because I am not about to let you go. Gain some confidence, loser.”

His face crinkled irresistibly as he chuckled louder. “Oh, Cassidy, this is why I love you.”

“You do?” I tilted my head to the side.

“Oh, yes.” He moved a step closer and my breathing was suddenly more erratic than my thoughts. I loved this man, but could I reconcile myself to how he truly ticked?

“I’m still not sure what to think about you,” I said, placing a hand on his chest to stop his forward progression. “Maybe you could convince me by sharing exactly how you feel about me.”

He smiled. “Show or tell?”

Both
. “Tell.” I was dying for show but that would hopefully come after I heard exactly why this man, who was tough and hardened to life, wanted me.

He quickly got serious again. “I love
you
, Cassidy. I love your mind.” He softly touched my forehead. “I love your spirit.” He pressed his palm against my heart. For some reason it had a completely different effect than Sham touching me in the same spot. “I love your body.” Jesse wrapped both hands around my back and pulled me against him. “I love the way you smell.” He inhaled deeply. “Like vanilla and brown sugar, like going to Mom’s at Christmastime.”