Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Sorceress (7 page)

I can read minds! I can shape creations of
matter and energy. I can brew potions of love or hate or death. I
can let you fly through the air, or stew in your own juices. I can
summon up the wise men of all the ages, or the most horrifying
monsters. I am all that… and a bag of chips.

I should be openly acknowledged as the
mighty ruler I am. I should be Queen. But though I am not, I have
cast my spells and laid my plots. I am like the spider in the
center of a vast web. And I will devour my prey, after my own
fashion.

(Exit Luna and Bud. Enter the Waiting Women.
They step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus)

Wait’ Women:

We are three maids who wait on the
Queen,

She’s the sweetest sovereign the world has
yet seen,

Though she has one pain that many speak
of,

The King and the Queen have never known
love.

We wait and we pray for we know our
duty,

We must take care of our majestic
beauty,

This duty is clear and our faith is too
true,

But until true love comes there is nothing
to do.

The Queen hails from Goth, a land far
away,

But we lover her so, and wish her to
stay,

The people adore her, as do her sons,

Of riches and wealth, you know she has
tons,

If only the king would wake up and take
notice,

He’d see that beside him sits a true
Venus,

Though none can say where angels have
been,

Angels are nothing when they’re next to our
Queen.

(Exit Waiting Women. Enter Phoebe)

Phoebe:

Queen Beatrix calls for you, Sorceress.

Myolaena:

Am I the Queen’s serving woman, that she
calls for me thus? Am I the Queen’s lacky?

Phoebe:

You are the Queen’s subject and are at her
command.

Myolaena:

I am the Sorceress Supreme! I could change
that woman into a newt.

Phoebe:

The Queen is protected by powerful magics
and cannot be so affected.

Myolaena:

True. But you are not. (Phoebe looks scared
and exits quickly.)

The wench is correct. I cannot simply
eliminate the Queen. But what if the King’s eye should wander in my
direction? Can one refuse a King? Nay! I have laid plots and
spells. Now I go to answer the wretched Queen. (Exits)

(Enter Knights’ Girls)

Knights’ Girl 1:

(Dreamily) Did you see Sir Reginald? He is
to die for!

Knights’ Girl 2:

(Dreamily) He touched my arm when he shoved
me out of the way.

Knights’ Girl 3:

How about Sir David?

Knights’ Girl 1:

Just leave me alone with him and a can
opener!

Knights’ Girl 2:

Keep dreaming girl. He likes me better.

Knights’ Girl 1:

He likes me more!

Knights’ Girl 3:

Well, he likes me almost as much as he likes
himself.

Girls 1&2:

Really?

(Knights’ Girls step forward to deliver
their lines as a chorus.)

Knights’ Girls:

We are the girls who follow the knights,

We hear all their adventures and watch all
their fights,

The are dreamy, all dressed in their shiny
steel armor,

Just watching them makes our hearts feel
much warmer.

Sir Thomas is sweet, but stupid it’s
true,

Sir David is boring, but he’s handsome
too,

Sir Reginald touches every girl’s heart,

The one we can’t stand is that
Britomart.

Where does she get off being a knight,

For a girl to wear armor, it just isn’t
right.

(Exit Knights’ Girls)

(Enter Sir Thomas and Sir David)

David:

Protecting the King is our primary duty.
Protecting the King is what we became knights for.

Thomas:

Yup.

David:

Why, even if we were five minutes near death
ourselves, we should Rise Up and protect the King.

Thomas:

Yup.

David:

Still, if a dragon were in the area, it
would be duty as well to slay it.

Thomas:

Yup.

David:

Dragons are nasty fiends, you know. Have you
studied them?

Thomas:

Nope.

David: I made a comprehensive study of them
with Sir Drake and the Weapons Academy. They are wily
creatures--more frightening that the most horrible ogre-- stronger
than the greatest giant-- smarter than most sages. They are the
ultimate foe. And if I am ever so fortunate to see a dragon, I will
quickly eliminate the wyrm.

Thomas:

Worm?

David:

Yes, all the great authorities refer to the
beasts as wyrms. It is from the root word wyrd, in the ancient
tongue of scholars.

Thomas:

Okay.

(Enter Myolaena)

Myolaena

(Aside) Here you see two foolish knights who
think their swords keep this nation state strong. If they were to
meet a real dragon, they would find themselves petrified. He
wouldn’t need to lift a claw or a wing. He wouldn’t need to breath
fire. His very aura could drive them away crying like babies, or
compel them to do anything at all.

The first is a great braggart and thinks he
knows far more than he does. If I had a gold crown for each time he
made a fool of himself, I should buy the kingdom. The other is such
a dullard. He once locked himself in him own suit of armor.

(Enter Sir Reginald)

Reginald:

Sir David!

David:

Hail Sir Reginald, knight of the Black
Shield.

Reginald:

Don’t hail me! I come to challenge you! You
accused me of having uncertain ancestry.

David:

Tut, tut, fellow. I merely said that you
were not as noble in blood as I.

Reginald:

I can trace my ancestry back fourteen
generations, to Tiberian the Black King!

(Reginald attacks. They fight back and forth
across the stage.)

David: Still, I can trace my ancestry back
to the grandparents of Adam and Eve.

(They fight more.)

Reginald:

Your mother was an orphan scullery maid, and
your father was my father’s squire.

David:

Tut, tut, fellow. You mistake me for someone
else.

(They continue to fight. Reginald strikes a
glancing blow. David falls.)

Myolaena:

(Aside) Oh, no. I cannot let this bragging
oaf be killed. The king might find a captain of the guards who
actually knows what is going on.

(To Reginald) Pain.

Reginald:

Oh! I am slain! I go for a leach!

(Exits)

David:

(Standing up) I am the victor!

Myolaena:

(Aside) He is a pin-head.

David:

My honor is vindicated!

Myolaena:

(Aside) His idiocy is proved. That other
Spam in a can will be fine, but it will be some time before he
decides to challenge Sir Full-of-himself to a duel again.

(Exit Thomas and David. Enter Krabbi, Mack,
and Bud. Myolaena steps to the side of the stage.)

Mack:

Fish for Sale. Fresh fish!

Krabbi:

Apples! Bushel a pence!

(Enter Penny. She walks up to Mack and slaps
him on the shoulder in a friendly way.)

Penny:

Hello, good fishmonger! (Steals Mack’s
purse) It is a lovely day today.

Mack:

Hello friend. (Exits, unknowing.)

Penny:

(Opens up purse and takes out a coin) I’ll
have one of your fine apples, vendor. Keep the change. (Steals
Krabbi’s purse.)

Krabbi:

Thank you citizen. (Exits)

(Enter David and Thomas)

Penny:

I do think I shall have a carnation for my
lapel. Here you go good fellow. (Hands Bud a coin and steals his
purse.)

Thomas:

What? Here! (Grabs Penny)

David:

What a piece of knavery we have here!

Thomas:

A thief.

Bud:

Why, she’s stolen my purse!

David:

(Searching Penny) Looks as though the thief
has more than one.

Bud:

Why she’s stolen my two purses!

David:

Here you go, vendor. One. Two. It is lucky
for you that we came along when we did.

Bud:

It certainly is. Very lucky indeed. (Exits,
pleased)

David:

And one purse for His Majesty’s soldiers.
(Pockets the other purse.)

(Enter Justin and Beatrix)

King:

Sir David? Sir Thomas? What have we
here?

David:

My partner and I have uncovered an errant
piece of knavery. Her we have a little thief.

Thomas:

Yup.

King:

Sorceress! Can we allow such crime to run
rampant in our streets?

Myolaena:

(Shrugs)

King:

You must weave some magics to protect the
honest folk.

Myolaena:

(Sighs) I do what I can, Majesty.

(Aside) If I got rid of all the dishonest
people, he’d have no guardsmen at all.

King:

Well, Sir David. You must carry out my
orders and execute the sentence. For thievery in Illustria, we…
What is it we do again?

Queen:

You must cut something off, Dear.

King:

Yes, I know that. But what? Is it the right
hand or the left hand?

Queen:

Perhaps a foot, Dear.

Penny:

(Aside) I like this not!

King:

Foot! Foot! Perhaps in your father’s
backward kingdom! Not here! Foot! Why ever did I wed such a
dullard?

David:

To prevent recurrence of the crime, it
should be the head, Majesty.

King:

Take her hence, and cut off… oh, cut off
whatever you please. (Exits)

Penny:

(To the Queen) Majesty! Mercy, please!

Queen:

Of course, Dear. (To David) Make it a nice
clean cut. And don’t leave a mess. (Exits)

David:

We hear our charge and will obey.

Thomas:

Yup.

David:

What shall we cut off?

Penny:

Please Sir Knight! Can’t we come to an
understanding?

David:

Save your breath girl, for we are the King’s
men.

Myo:

(Aside) They are the King’s fools, the
King’s lapdogs, the King’s drips.

Thomas:

Yup.

David:

What shall we cut off? Her right hand?

Thomas:

Hair!

David:

Perhaps both legs?

Thomas:

Hair!

David:

I have always been partial to cutting off
the nose. It spites the face, you know.

Thomas:

Hair!

Myolaena:

(Aside) He’s not the sharpest sword in the
armory, is he?

David:

We shall split the difference, partner. Off
with her head.

Thomas:

Okay.

Myolaena:

(Waving hands) Time stop. (David, Thomas,
and Penny freeze.) Perhaps here we have a tool for my design, a cog
for my wheel, a fly for my web. Thank heavens for metaphor!

(Myolaena snaps her fingers and Penny
unfreezes.)

Penny:

Who are you?

Myolaena:

I am your savior. I am your friend. I will
deliver you from certain death.

Penny:

Thank you, Mistress.

Myolaena:

In exchange, you will do a thing for me.

Penny:

What can I do? Steal something?

Myolaena:

Perhaps you can do just that. I have brewed
this potion. One drop will bring forth the greatest amore-- love,
devotion, and kind affection. With it, you will steal the King’s
heart for me. You will sneak into the castle and pour this dram
upon the King’s head as he sleeps. He will fall horribly in love
with the first woman he sees wearing a golden locket, as indeed I
will be wearing.

Penny:

I know not what I should do,

But one thing’s sure, I am through,

No matter which way that I turn,

My lot’s beheading or a slow burn.

To turn on the King is treason, true,

But you don’t know HER, like I do,

There’s nothing worse than magic ladies,

Not scary giants, not burning Hades.

What a fix my deeds have wrought,

Oh what a prize my sins have bought,

I sought with guile to fetch my bread,

So they want to part me from my head.

Oh wretched me, a pretty child,

Whose way went out a little wild,

I can’t escape to foreign lands,

So I do as she commands.

I will do as you instruct. (Exits)

Myolaena:

And when you poor this liquid on the King,
he will have you killed. And I will have no witnesses to my
designs, and nothing these buffoons could ever uncover.

(Myolaena exits. David and Thomas
unfreeze.)

Thomas:

What?

David:

I was just saying that I have a mind to go
find a dragon and kill it.

(Enter Priss)

Priss:

Did I hear someone mention
dragonslaying?

David:

Yes, citizen.

Priss:

Aren’t you afraid? Dragons are over two
hundred feet long. They can fly. They can breath fire and cast
magic spells. They can shoot beams of energy from their eyes.

David:

I can see that you know much of dragons,
friend. What is your name?

Priss:

Prissus Draco Noventus Augustus, but my
friends all call me Priss.

David:

Well, Priss. Did you know dragons can use
magic to take on human form?

Priss:

(Incredulous) Really? Then how can you tell
they are dragons?

David:

It’s not easy. They have coppery
complexions, not unlike yourself. But unlike you Priss, they have
very long names.

Priss:

I see. Are they dangerous in human form?

David:

Quite. And they walk among the cities to
study men so that they may trick them. But we are way too smart to
be fooled by a dragon.