Echoes of the Heart (17 page)

It was clear he’d seriously misjudged her. The way he’d blackmailed her into his bed was indefensible. Deep within he felt hollow despair. Would she give him a chance to redeem himself?

One thing was for certain—he had a lot of ground to regain and he would make himself wait for her invitation before they were lovers again.

‘Why aren’t you having sex with me?’ Amanda demanded.

Jake sat forward at their table at the exclusive Circular Quay restaurant and held her captive with his eyes. With slow, deliberate actions he placed his cutlery down on the fine bone china plate. ‘We are in a very secluded corner of this restaurant, but I still think it’s too public a place for sex.’

‘I don’t mean right here and now,’ she said in a strained voice.

His lips twitched in amusement. ‘I’m glad to hear it.’

Realising he was stifling back laughter, her fingers clenched around the stem of her wine glass and her mouth tightened. There was no humour in her situation. The emotional relationship she desired with Jake was out of reach because he didn’t care for her with the same intensity. Knowing that didn’t stop her intense sexual longing for him. It simmered within her, dominated her thoughts every second of the day now Irene’s health was improving.

‘I’m entitled to answers,’ she fumed. ‘You paid to have sex with me for a month, yet you haven’t shared my bed for five days.’

Five long days and four endless nights. Her body ached for him and she couldn’t stand it any longer. The waiting was driving her crazy. If he was no longer interested in her as a lover, she had to convince him to let her leave.

Regret twisted his lips downward and his expression grew serious. ‘When we made our agreement, I didn’t know why you were desperate for the money.’

‘No. You were just pleased I was desperate.’

‘Amanda —’

‘How does that change things?’ She tried to sound cool but her frustration was evident in every syllable.

‘I would never have —’

Anger at his rejection reached boiling point. ‘You don’t want me anymore? You’ve managed to
purge me from your system
?’

His eyebrows drew together as he considered her outburst. ‘I didn’t say that.’

‘You’re not saying much at all.’ Sheer agitation had her twirling the wine glass on the table. ‘What are we doing together, Jake?’

‘I —’

‘Ever since you paid for Aunt Irene’s treatment you haven’t come near me.’

Damn
. She cursed inwardly as she heard the emotional protest in her voice.
She couldn’t fall to pieces on him.

‘Amanda…’ He reached out and took her hands in his.

Having craved his touch for so many days, the warmth of the contact was her undoing. Heat burst across her skin. Fiery sensations raced through her body at his touch.

‘Just stop trying to second guess me and listen,’ he urged.

‘I don’t understand what this is all about. Do you still want to get me hooked so you can walk away and leave me in an agony of withdrawal?’ On a half-sob, she quoted the words he’d uttered to her. ‘Is this still about payback for me leaving you?’

His thumbs rubbed against her wrists in small circular movements. ‘Are you hooked, Amanda?’

Was he mocking her? It was impossible to tell because his features were shuttered.

‘Don’t you dare laugh at me!’ It took a mammoth amount of determination to summon her anger and override the need that was seizing her. The instant she snatched her hands away from his she regretted breaking the physical contact between them. ‘Lloyd was the master puppeteer during our entire marriage. I responded every time he pulled my strings. Now you’re doing it to me. You keep me dangling like a useless marionette, waiting for your direction.’

His lips thinned. ‘Don’t compare me to your husband.’

‘Why not? You —’

‘Bennett used your love for your aunt to blackmail you into marriage. I refuse to use it to have you in my bed. That’s why I haven’t come to you. I didn’t realise how I was taking advantage of you when I made conditions for our time together. I don’t want you on those terms,’ he stated in a firm tone.

She stared at him. Did he want to change the terms of their agreement or was he telling her he didn’t want her on any terms? Close to panic, thinking he may not want her; she gripped the edge of the table and bunched part of the white linen tablecloth up in her fingers. She needed something solid to hold on to as she tried to make sense of his words. Like quicksand, fear grabbed hold of her, smothering her. The more she tried to fathom his intentions the more she became immersed in uncertainty until it sucked her in and made it difficult to move or to breathe. What if he ended it tonight?

Part of her wanted to tell him she was prepared to agree to any terms he set as long as she could be with him. Biting her lip, she bit back the words and tried to remain calm as she gave him a chance to explain himself.

A waiter approached and began to clear their table. ‘Mr Formosa, Madam, would you like to see the dessert menu?’

‘Thank you.’ Seconds later Jake took the menu the waiter offered, and Amanda accepted one with a shaking hand. But while Jake placed his on the table without showing any interest in it, she gripped hers tight.

‘You’ve paid for Irene’s treatment,’ Amanda stated once the waiter departed.
Surely, in return, he still wanted the month they had agreed to?

‘That’s right,’ he agreed calmly. ‘Your aunt’s treatment is covered unconditionally. There’s no need for you to stay with me. You can walk away right now.’

Her heart jammed up against her ribcage. He’d brought her to one of Sydney’s most popular restaurants to tell her it was over. Her fingernails scored into the leather Jacket of the menu.

‘But, I promised —’ she objected, knowing she should be overjoyed not crushed that Jake was ending a deal based solely on sex.

A muscle worked in his cheek as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. ‘I’m releasing you from our agreement.’

No
. Everything in her screamed out in protest. She didn’t want to be released from their agreement. He might be over her, but she was far from over him. Powerlessness washed over her and searing pain followed in its wake. There was nothing she could do. If Jake didn’t want her then nothing she could do or say would change that. She wouldn’t cry and she wouldn’t beg. Realising her shoulders had slumped in defeat she straightened and summoned up the scant remains of her dignity.

Her chin lifted a fraction as she fought back tears. ‘I…I see,’ she said quietly, looking away from him and across the water to the Opera House.

Jake no longer wanted her as his lover.

‘I doubt that you do see, Amanda.’

The tenderness in his voice had her eyes zeroing in on him. His expression was…loving? Each second stretched into the next as she held her breath and waited for him to elaborate, but the only sound was the erratic thumping of her heart. It drowned out every other noise from the restaurant.

Could he still want her?

She needed to breathe, needed to say something—anything! ‘I’m grateful for —’

‘I don’t want your gratitude,’ he bit out.

Willing her voice not to tremble, she found the courage to ask, ‘What exactly do you want?’

‘I want you, Amanda.’

The vice in her chest eased a fraction and her fingers released the menu on to the table. A tiny spark of hope ignited in her heart as she absorbed his words.

The whole situation was surreal. One moment she thought he was over her. The next he was telling her he wanted her and looking at her with an expression she hardly dared to analyse. In direct response to his words and reactions her emotions were seesawing out of control at an alarming rate. There was an unguarded depth of caring in his eyes—she was certain she wasn’t imagining it.

Delicious expectation made her breathless. ‘How do you want me?’

His lips quirked into a smile. ‘In every way physically possible and then some.’

‘So, you want me, sexually.’ The words were flat.

The intensity of his regard never wavered yet she noticed his throat worked up and down a couple of times before he spoke. ‘I want you as my lover and as my partner. It’s what I’ve always wanted.’ He hesitated as though he were nervous. ‘I don’t want to put a time limit on our relationship.’

His words made her light-headed. It wasn’t the declaration of undying love she craved, but he wanted a real relationship with her and that was a giant step forward. If it wasn’t over, it gave her a chance to work on his physical need for her and perhaps turn it into something deeper.

‘I want you to live with me,’ he elaborated. ‘Not because you owe me because of a financial transaction, but because you want to.’

The lightness in her head turned into a full-scale dizzy spell. Hope bubbled through her veins but she was still cautious. ‘You want me to live with you but you’re not setting a time limit to the arrangement?’

The sudden tension in his body screamed out to her, warning her she might have misinterpreted his intentions.

‘Stay with me until —’ His eyes broke from hers abruptly. His jaw clenched momentarily before he continued, ‘— until one of us wants it to end.’

The bubbles burst as his words sank in and she realised there was no permanency in his offer. How foolish she’d been to translate Jake’s look of tenderness into love. Nothing had really changed in all this time. She still wanted him desperately and if she embarked on this relationship history would repeat itself. Sheer lack of confidence reasserted itself and told her it would be Jake who wanted it to end and her heart would be crushed again.

But can you deny yourself this chance to be with Jake—even if it only brings you temporary happiness?
The question tormented her.

He reached across the table, took her hands in his again and she nearly cried at the familiar contact. Jake radiated powerful energy like a human dynamo. Her senses tuned into him, almost succeeding in dimming her awareness of her heavy heart. She was conscious of everything about him—every move he made, every breath he took.

‘You may not be in an agony of withdrawal but I am,’ he admitted. ‘I’ve been going through hell lying in the room opposite you every night and not being with you, but I won’t force you to be with me. I don’t want you because you feel obliged to be with me.’

Hope flamed again and her heart did a triple backward somersault in her chest cavity. While he was only admitting to physical desire, surely he must care for her a little bit or he would use his payment of Irene’s medical expenses to his advantage and demand she pay with her body.

‘I’m very sorry for the way I’ve behaved toward you and for the assumptions I made. I’ve been angry for a long time about your relationship with Bennett.’ He paused and appeared to be searching for the right words. ‘I don’t want a time limit on our relationship because the more I have you the more I want you.’ His voice was a little shaky, his expression taut. ‘Stay with me because you want to, Amanda.’ In his eyes she read uncertainty and…apprehension. The amazingly confident Jake Formosa was nervous she might refuse him.

God help her but she loved this man. Whatever pain it cost her when he walked away—she could not refuse his offer.

She wanted to be in his arms and in his bed.

She needed to be his lover.

An exhausting war raged within her between hope and self-preservation. The latter reminded her that Jake spoke only about passion. Charging on the flanks of love and desire, her hope squashed the doubts and warnings by arguing that Jake had almost completely reverted to the man she’d fallen in love with and his apology had been sincere. Since that first terrible treatment of her, he’d respected and cared for her, and put her needs first.

Hope won.

Every atom of her being proclaimed her love for him. The chance he was giving her was worth taking. In fact, she would never be able to live with herself if she walked away from this chance. She wanted an opportunity to fuel the passion between them and make sure the flame never burnt out. She took a deep breath, her mind racing. If she was to have any chance at all of making this relationship last, there had to be absolute truth between them. To completely set things straight between them, she had to explain the entire truth of her marriage. All the sordid details.

The legal documents she’d signed agreeing not to disclose her marriage bargain, haunted her. Jake may be paying for Irene’s medication unconditionally, but it was still Lloyd’s estate that kept Irene in her private nursing home. If she made the details of her marriage public knowledge, the funding for Irene’s ongoing care would be withdrawn. Irene would be the loser.

Was it fair to risk Irene’s future for a shot at her own happiness?

Amanda’s heart beat wildly as she looked across at Jake. The veils of doubt parted and for the first time she was able to rise above the tumultuous current of emotions that had rocked her confidence. She could trust Jake with the truth. He wouldn’t use the truth against her or put Irene’s welfare at risk by telling anybody else who might make it public knowledge.

‘Amanda?’ His deep voice jolted her out of her thoughts. ‘It’s your choice. Will you stay with me?’

A lump of emotion made her heart squeeze as she looked at the earnestness in his handsome features. No longer was she a marionette. Reason told her she should be happy. Jake had cut her free of the strings that tied her to him, making her free to determine her own actions. He didn’t want to be her master puppeteer, yet unknowingly he still held her heartstrings.

The sense of freedom to make her decision was exhilarating yet nerve-wracking. Like a base jumper at the edge of a precipice, she wanted to take the leap and experience the rush of being with him, but she knew there was no guarantee of a safe landing.

Reading her indecision, his eyes were full of promise. ‘I want you to be happy.’

She believed him. Love welled within her and she smiled tremulously at him. ‘Yes.’

He exhaled a long breath and his features relaxed into a smile that was a mixture of relief and joy. ‘I promise you’ll never regret your decision.’