Eden in Winter (37 page)

‘Liam Edward Pacelli? If I’d known you cared so much, I’d have asked you to submit a list.’

Adam smiled at this. ‘You might have done worse, I suppose – his middle name could be Milton. But where did “Liam” come from?’

‘My maternal grandfather. I remember him as gentle, though maybe it was merely because he was so old.’

Adam shot her a look. ‘You really are a cynic, aren’t you?’

‘Just warier these days.’

Slicing pads of butter into a cup, Adam placed it in the microwave, then glanced at her sideways. ‘Are we talking about us, by any chance?’

‘Perhaps, as a case study,’ Carla quipped, and then turned to him. ‘Should we be?’

He paused to consider his answer. ‘Ever since Liam showed up, things seem different. Maybe it’s just me.’

Carla served the salad. ‘That
you
showed up meant the world to me. It also gave me a lot to think about.’

‘Such as?’

She waited for him to bring two lobsters to the table. ‘I know you’re capable of feeling,’ she said gently. ‘But I think your feelings about me are complicated, and you’re not sure what they are.’

Adam sat across from her. ‘And you?’

She gave him a long, level look. ‘It’s not easy for me to trust any man. But you’re often very hard to read. I wonder if the life you chose has made you addicted to danger. And if you’ve ever committed to a relationship, I don’t know about it.’ She paused a moment. ‘So maybe we should talk about Rachel Ravinsky.’

This was the first time she had mentioned Rachel directly. To his credit, Adam did not feign puzzlement. Instead, he made a surgical job of liberating her lobster from its shell. ‘All right,’ he said at length. ‘What would you like to know?’

She tried to compose her thoughts. Among the unspoken things between them was a palpable sexual tension – they had never made love, and Carla could not yet. Finally, she answered, ‘Not whether the two of you shared an experience that we’ve never had – clever girl that I am, I’ve already puzzled that one out. I don’t even blame you that much. But I can’t help wondering where things stand.’

He looked at her seriously, face shadowed in candlelight. ‘You could say we’re in a state of limbo.’

‘So what are
we
doing, exactly?’ Carla’s voice softened. ‘I don’t expect anything, Adam. I don’t even know what I want. If all
you
want is to be a caring presence in Liam’s life, I’d be content with that.’

Reaching across the table, he touched her hand. ‘It feels like something more. It’s also clear that we need more time.’

Carla nodded, steeling herself to say the rest. ‘I certainly agree. But if you’re interested in me as a woman, you should figure out what’s happening with Rachel. It’s your privilege to be with her, of course. But I can’t let myself and Liam become part of a competition.’

His eyes held a trace of annoyance. ‘You really didn’t have to tell me that, all right? Because of me, and also because of her.’

‘So she’s waiting?’

‘Perhaps. But I’ve made no claim on her patience.’

Carla gave him a thin smile. ‘If it’s any comfort, I’m guessing you don’t need to.’

‘I wouldn’t know. She’s gone back to Manhattan for a while. It seems she found this housing arrangement a little awkward.’ There was another change in his expression, tentative yet impatient. ‘If we’ve exhausted the fascination of this particular subject, there’s something else I need to tell you.’

‘Such as?’

‘I resigned from the agency this morning. That part of my life is over.’

Astonished, all Carla could do was ask, ‘Why?’

‘Because if I don’t change that, nothing else I do will matter.’

Carla felt emotion thicken her voice. ‘Does this have to do with us?’

Adam looked into her eyes. ‘Not all of it. But without this, anything more would be impossible, wouldn’t it?’

She drew a breath, then reached across the table for his hand. ‘I never could’ve asked that of you.’

Adam’s fingers tightened. ‘I know that. I also know it’s what you need.’

For a moment, she averted her gaze. ‘What will you do now?’

‘Strange as this may sound, try writing. I’ve started working on an article about Afghanistan. Not what I did, or for whom, but what I saw. Most of it is about my translator and his daughter, and what will happen to women once we’re gone. If my “father’s” name helps me place it, then so be it …’

Carla felt herself fighting back tears.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked softly.

She shook her head in wonder and confusion. ‘I don’t know that anything is. But you’ve just told me you’re changing your whole life. Suddenly, nothing else can decide this for us, but
us
. And there’s so much we have to deal with.’

Adam gave her a humourless smile. ‘Like Ben, you mean? You’ll be happy to know I’m seeing a competent psychiatrist. No doubt I’ll keep him busy for a while.’

Carla felt hope warring with misery. ‘There’s something else. Something I can’t put off telling you anymore. It’s about that reporter from the
Enquirer
.’

Adam’s face went blank. The only hint of emotion was a fugitive change in his eyes, quickly gone and impossible to decipher. ‘Amanda Ferris,’ he said flatly.

Carla nodded. ‘Before Liam was born, she came to see me.’

At once Adam’s voice turned cool. ‘You let her in?’

‘I found her sitting in that rocking chair. It was a bad day – I’d just found out that my baby might have trisomy
eighteen. Before I could throw her out, she made accusations I can’t just brush aside.’

‘Involving what?’

Carla held his gaze. ‘She claims that Ben was murdered, and that you may know who killed him.’

It was eerie, she thought, how little his face showed. ‘Clever of me, Carla. Given that when he died I was twenty thousand miles away …’

‘Ferris also claims that you broke into the courthouse last summer, stealing documents to help you protect Teddy. She surmises you’ve got the skills to pull that off. I
know
you do.’

‘Then damn me for telling you anything,’ Adam said sharply. ‘Do you really think that Ted’s a murderer?’

She could not let herself back down, Carla knew. ‘It’s hard to conceive of Teddy killing anyone – even a man he hated. But you and I both know how much hatred there was between Jack and Ben. And why.’

All at once, she could feel Adam slipping away from her. In a weary monotone, he said, ‘Jack already explained how Ben died. I’d like to keep this poison away from us.’

‘So would I. That’s why I had to tell you.’

‘But you can’t forget about it, can you?’

She gripped his hand. ‘Not without some help from you. I know what scum this woman is. But Ben would never have killed himself, not with me here, and he knew that promontory too well to risk falling. Deep in my soul, I believe that someone killed him.’ Her voice lowered. ‘I’ve always known there are things you haven’t told me. I just don’t know what they are. Can’t you see how hard that makes it to live with your family secrets?’

Adam looked away, a reaction so uncharacteristic that it unsettled her still more. ‘I’d never ask you to. All I can do is hope that someday all this will stop mattering. However pointless the wish.’

Carla could not answer. She almost welcomed Liam’s cries of hunger.

On a bright, crisp morning, with Liam sated, Carla resumed reading the first draft of Adam’s article.

He had given it to her reluctantly, concerned that his prose would not meet her expectations. But as the pages turned, she read more swiftly, at first surprised, then relieved, then impressed. He wrote with a clarity and humanity, evoking his translator’s daughter so well that it hurt Carla to perceive how the web of ignorance and custom would ensnare her once the Taliban resumed control. It was the best kind of journalism, she thought, capturing a social landscape through the people caught in it. It was something Ben might have done, yet so clearly Adam’s own – more particular, somehow, and more poignant. Then she heard the sharp rap on her door, and went to answer.

Though she would know this woman anywhere, Carla was astonished to find her on the porch – still striking in her mid-sixties, her grey-blond hair perfectly coiffed, her blue eyes clear and cool, her patrician features barely conveying
the disdain she was too well mannered to express. Without preface, Clarice Blaine said, ‘May I come in?’

It was not phrased as a request. Silent, Carla stood aside. Clarice entered, barely casting a glance toward Liam’s bassinet before taking a chair. Carla sat across from her, resolved to say nothing until Adam’s mother spoke again.

An arid smile briefly crossed Clarice’s lips. ‘It’s obvious you’ve been spending time with my son. You seem to have mastered his talent for Delphic silence.’

This was meant to unnerve her, Carla knew. But while she did not have this woman’s breeding, Carla had not been an actress, or a celebrity, for nothing. ‘You came here for a reason,’ she responded evenly. ‘I’m sure you’ll tell me when you’re ready.’

With an ironic lift of her eyebrows, Clarice took note of Carla’s self-containment. ‘I thought it was time we spoke.’

‘Why now?’ Carla enquired. ‘We were doing so well as it was.’

A chill amusement surfaced briefly in Clarice’s eyes. ‘You’ve certainly been doing well. First my husband – and now, it seems, my son. Not to mention a considerable chunk of Ben’s estate.’

Carla forced herself not to react. ‘I can understand your point of view. Is there anything else you want to say?’

Clarice’s face set, her anger still repressed. ‘You tried to steal my husband and my security, using your pregnancy as a crowbar. Now you’re moving on to Adam. There are words for women like that.’ She paused, speaking more deliberately. ‘There’s been enough, Carla. I don’t want you in my life, or with my son.’

Still Carla held her temper. ‘I don’t intend to be in your
life. But Adam’s life is his own. You can’t choose for him – especially when it concerns my son, who’s no more at fault for being here than Adam was. I’m sorry for your pain and humiliation, and to have been any part of that. But perhaps we have too much in common.’

Clarice stiffened. ‘You really do flatter yourself.’

‘Flatter myself? Let me see if I understand you. You had an affair, as I did, the difference being that you were also committing adultery. You became pregnant, as I did – and, like me, decided to have the child. Then you protected that child – and your own reputation – by signing over your marital assets to Ben. Too bad my reputation took the beating you were so eager to avoid. But I can live with that.’ Carla’s tone became quieter. ‘When I learned about Ben’s will, I gave you most of what he left me. Not just out of sympathy for you – Adam had been through enough without feeling guilty about being born. I’m sure
that
part was particularly humiliating. Given that you were so determined to leave my son and me with nothing.’

Clarice stiffened. ‘So you really think this is about
my
pride? You may fancy playing your new role as a mother for an audience of one. But from the day he was born, I’ve loved Adam more than you can ever understand. Far too much to see him settle for an alcoholic has-been whose greatest talent involves lying on her back.’

Carla gave herself a moment to regain her calm. ‘I don’t expect you to thank me, Clarice. After all, being taken care of by others has always been your due. But you can take your hypocrisy elsewhere. As for having me in Adam’s life, I suppose you could end up with Rachel. Then you can deal with Whitney Dane, who seems entitled to some grudges of her own.’

Clarice’s eyes froze, betraying how startled she must be, her sudden fear of what Carla might know. But Clarice could not ask. Nor did Carla choose to say the rest: that before settling on Ben, Clarice Barkley, Whitney’s closest friend through college, had betrayed her by sleeping with Whitney’s father. Instead, she finished coolly, ‘You’re wondering what I know, of course. A good deal, actually. But you’ve disenchanted Adam quite enough already. Besides, the Blaines have so many secrets I’ll enjoy sharing this one with you. As with Ben’s will, you can thank me later.’

Standing, Carla went to the door and opened it. There was nothing Clarice Blaine could do but leave, her posture erect and her head held high, though she could no longer look Carla in the face.

*

When Rachel appeared at his door, Adam was not surprised; to show up unannounced matched his sense of her, and he had not expected her to vanish. ‘I’m glad to see you,’ he said, and found that this was true. ‘When did you get back from Manhattan?’

‘This morning, and I only plan on being here a day.’ Stepping inside, she looked around her – for traces of Carla, he imagined. ‘I came to see you, actually.’

He hoped his smile was not as uneasy as he felt. ‘A house call is way more than I deserve. I’m still sorry about what happened.’

She sat with him beside a window framing the meadow, lit by slanting winter sun. ‘So am I,’ she answered quietly. ‘Especially because it wasn’t my choice.’

Adam touched the bridge of his nose, a nervous gesture – he seemed to be losing his gift for emotionless calm. ‘Carla’s baby
could’ve been stillborn. You and I were only skiing …’

Rachel shook her head. ‘We were doing more than skiing, I thought. I had the delusion we were starting something.’

‘Perhaps we were,’ Adam acknowledged. ‘I hated having to leave.’

After a moment, Rachel nodded slowly. ‘Is the baby all right?’

Despite his best efforts, the thought of Liam made Adam smile; a few days before, the tiny boy had wrapped a death grip around his finger, looking into his face, and Adam had imagined a glimmer of recognition. ‘Oh, he’s fine. Just hungry all the time.’

Rachel looked at him with new directness. ‘Then I guess you don’t need to worry anymore.’

‘Not about his lungs, certainly.’ He was skirting the truth, Adam realized, and Rachel deserved much better. ‘As for the relationship between Carla and me, I’m not sure yet.’

She smiled at this, a reflex. ‘But there is a “Carla and me.”’

Adam nodded. ‘At least for now. But neither of us knows where this is going. So I’m not counting on a happy ending.’