Elephant in the Sky (22 page)

54

At five-thirty I turned off my alarm and walked across our bedroom to the shower. It was Tuesday morning, the day after Nate's first day at Henry Lewis, and my first full day back at work. I was already dreading leaving my son.

I stepped into the shower and let the hot spray hit my face, thinking of my day ahead. Jack and my other colleagues were still unaware of what had taken me from work for so long, and I was nervous about what questions I'd get when I returned. I'd been in a few times since Nate had gone into the hospital, but had always managed to dodge any questions thrown my way.

“Why don't you just tell them?” Pete asked me when I came home from my first meeting with Jack. Jack had grilled me on what was keeping me away from work, practically demanding that I tell him everything. But I'd stuck to my position of it being a private family crisis about which I didn't want to share details.

“I don't know,” I'd responded simply. And I didn't. It wasn't that I was embarrassed about Nate or what he was going through, but every instinct in my gut was forcing me to protect my son. To keep him safe from a world of judgement and stigma.

But I knew more questions would come that day. And at some point, the world would find out about Nate's illness. Whatever he was ultimately diagnosed with, it wasn't going to go away.

“You ready?” Pete asked sleepily when I emerged from our closet dressed for a full day at the office. It had been only about a month since I'd been away from work, yet I suddenly felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes. And as though I was going to someone else's job. Because mine wasn't in advertising anymore — it was taking care of my son.

“Ready as I'll ever be,” I responded miserably. My heart felt differently, but my brain was kicking reasonable logic into play. Nate's drugs were expensive, and without benefits through my work, we wouldn't be able to afford them.

“Put your chin up, Ash,” Pete said, pulling me in for a hug. “I know how tough it is for you to leave Nate. But he's doing great. He had a successful day at Henry Lewis yesterday, and seemed to really love it. And the Aripiprazole seems to be really working. He's adjusting well with no side effects. And he seems more and more like the Nate we used to know.”

I nodded, wiping away a tear. Pete was right. I was ecstatic that Nate was doing so well, but I still didn't want to leave him. Nate might be ready for it, but I certainly wasn't.

“Plus you
love
your job. Don't you miss it?”

I snorted. “Miss what? The crazy late nights followed by seven o'clock breakfast meetings? Or perhaps it's the stress and anxiety that's so entrenched in every project I take on? Yeah, that's got to be it. Who wouldn't miss
that
?”

Pete smiled at me, tucking a lose strand of hair behind my ear. “Sweetie, the stress comes part and parcel with the thrill you experience every time you land the next big account. And the anxiety you feel comes directly before the excitement I see in your eyes when you burn the midnight oil only to
finally
come up with the perfect creative design.”

I listened as my husband pointed out all of the things I loved about my job. I was surprised he had picked up on them; he wasn't usually a man for noticing details.

“Do you know how I can always tell when you've thought of the most amazing idea for one of your clients? You come home humming that song by Bob Marley, ‘Three Little Birds.' You might not realize it, but on your best days at work you come home and hum it all night long.”

“I do?” I chuckled outwardly.

“Yes. And I have to tell you, I hear it a lot.” Pete smiled again, bringing me in for a hug. “It might not feel like it right now because of all that we just went through, but you wouldn't be you without your job. You love it too much. It makes you happy. And we all need you to be happy as much as we need Nate to be happy.”

I wiped away tears, taking in what he was telling me. “I want to believe that. I really do. But trying to stay on top of my job with all that's been going on at home hasn't been fun. Or easy for that matter. And the whole work thing has started to feel, well, forced or something. Like I have to be there instead of
want
to be there.”

“Try not to overthink it, Ash. Just take it day by day and we'll see what happens.”

“One day at a time?” I asked with a half smile, referencing the advice we'd been given repeatedly.

“Exactly. Focus only on getting through today. It's your Day One that matters right now. That's it. You can worry about Day Two tomorrow.”

I sighed, thinking that Pete was right. I had to at least try to get through one day.

“And don't worry about Nate at all. I'll be at the school all day again, and he's honestly doing great. And that school is fantastic! You told me yourself you loved everyone you met there yesterday, and so did I. And we can't forget about Nate's new friend there, Adam. I've never seen him so happy about meeting someone new.”

“Yeah,” I responded, smiling warmly. The two boys had both started at the school the day before, and I had talked to his mother, Olivia, for a long time when they were doing their play therapy assessment with the nurse. Olivia told me Adam had been diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, and had been having a tough time adjusting in a regular classroom after his diagnosis.

“I'm so glad Nate seems to have found someone so quickly.” I glanced at the clock on my bedside table and took a deep breath. I had to go if I was going to have some breakfast with the kids. “It's now or never. My first meeting is at nine.”

When Pete and I got downstairs, Grace and Nate were sitting side by side, eating Cheerios. Nate looked up and grinned through his mouthful of cereal. It was the first truly genuine smile I'd seen since he had gotten home.

“Good morning,” I said to both of them.

“Do I get to go to my new school again today?” Nate asked eagerly. “My new friend Adam said he wants to play superheroes again. We did that with one of the nurses. I was Batman. So can I go again?
Please
?”

“You bet, champ,” Pete replied, tousling Nate's hair. “I'm going to drive you there right after I drop Grace off.”

“Awesome!” Nate fist-pumped the air and returned to his cereal. His appetite had returned alongside his newfound zest for school. The twitching had stopped and he was no longer nauseated or dizzy.

I made some toast and we sat at the table eating breakfast as a family. Pete handed me the business section of the paper, which I pretended to read while keeping my ears tuned into the conversation between my children. Grace was teasing Nate about how quickly his room had become a mess since returning home, and he was bugging her about spending too much time on the phone. Through their bickering, my heart soared. Life suddenly seemed normal again.

“Aren't you going to be late?” Pete said, nudging me. I glanced at the clock.

“I guess.” I hesitated. I didn't want to leave my family moment.

“Sweetie, we'll be here when you get back. We'll have a nice steak dinner tonight, okay? Now, go kick some advertising butt.”

55

Nate

Dad comes with me to the same room I was in yesterday. I look for Adam but he is not there.

“Where is Adam, Dad?” I ask.

“I'm not sure, champ. We'll keep an eye out for him, though. He should be here soon.”

“Nate?” A lady wearing a bright green shirt walks over. “I'm Miss Monica, one of the teachers here at Henry Lewis. We're going to be doing some music this morning. Does that sound like fun to you?”

I stare at the teacher. I blink at her. I like music, but I feel nervous. I don't want to be laughed at by mean kids again. What if they want me to do something I can't do? What if they make fun of me?

Miss Monica continues talking to me. “We're going to play on the xylophone today. Do you know what a xylophone is?”

I nod. I played with one in my music class last year. I learned how to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” I can play it really, really fast.

“I can play some stuff,” I volunteer slowly. I like Miss Monica. She seems nice.

“That's wonderful!” Miss Monica replies. She smiles at me. She takes my hand and leads me down the hall, which has lots of colourful paintings. I can tell they were done by kids. Some of them are good. Others are just scribbles. My favourite one is of a thunderstorm. There is a big bolt of yellow lightning. I am going to paint one just like it.

I want to point out the paintings that I like to my dad. I look around to try to find him, but he is not there.

“Where did my dad go?” I ask Miss Monica.

“He is going to wait in the parents' room. He will be right around the corner if you need him. For our music class, it will be just you and me. But I promise we're going to have lots of fun. Does that sound okay to you?”

I shrug. I want Dad to stay with me. I want Mom too, but she told me she had to go to work again. Then I remember my friend. “Do I get to play with Adam?”

I cannot wait for her to answer. I really, really, really hope she says yes. I like Adam a lot.

“Well, as a matter of fact, you do. He's already in the class. Do you want to go and see him?”

I nod. I'm excited to see my new friend.

When we walk into the classroom, Adam is already there. He is sitting in the corner by himself, playing on a keyboard. His back is to me so I go and sit beside him.

“Hi Adam. What are you playing?” I ask. He looks up at me and grins. He does not say anything, but his eyes are blinking really fast. Sometimes his mouth twitches in a funny way. He points to the keyboard and bangs a song on the keyboard that does not sound good. Every once in a while, I think he might be singing, because he makes a funny noise in the back of his throat that sounds like hooting. But then he stops. It seems funny to me but I don't care about the twitching or the hooting. Because he is my friend.

When Adam is finished the song, he gives me a big grin. I know he is proud of his song. He thinks it sounded good. I won't tell him that it didn't.

“Adam? Nate?” Miss Monica calls out to us. “Can you come over here, please?”

We both stand up and walk over to where Miss Monica is standing by the window. “This is Miss Debbie. She is one of the nurses here and is going to stay with us while we play on the xylophones.”

“Can I play my songs now?”

“Of course.” Miss Monica gets two xylophones off the shelf and hands one to me. I play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” as fast as I can.

“That's great. Good job, Nate.” Miss Monica gives me a high five. “Now, Adam, would you like to play something?”

He shakes his head. “I don't know how.”

“I can teach him,” I offer. It is easy and I know Adam will be able to play it soon. “Here, Adam. You can just use the colours. I will show you which ones to hit. The first part is red, blue, green, blue, red, red, red. ” I bang out the first notes on the colours.

Adam tries next but screws up when he gets to green. He tries to hit it twice, even though you only hit it once. So I show him again. After five tries, he gets it right.

“Is that good?” I ask Miss Monica.

She smiles at me and brings me in for a hug. “Nate, you have no idea just how good that was. I can't wait to tell your parents.”

Beside us, Adam starts hooting again.

I think that means he is happy too.

56

Ashley

“Everything okay today, Carty?” Jack asked me, popping into my office. “How's it going, being back into the swing of things?”

“Like I never left,” I replied. I forced myself to grin at him.

“Good, good. Happy to hear it. We've missed you. This place has suffered since you've been gone.”

“Well, then, I'm glad to be back so that I can be more involved.”

“You won't … you won't be leaving again, will you?” Jack raised his right eyebrow and peered at me across my desk. He looked both skeptical and nervous, leaning in as he waited for my answer.

I forced myself to respond, pushing the image of Nate from my mind. “No. I'm back for good now.”

“Good, good …” Jack said again, half smiling, but not looking convinced.

After a moment, he cleared his throat, and started to ask me another question, but then quickly stopped. I sensed it was about what had taken me away for so long.

“Jack, I don't mean to cut this short, but I've got a lot of catching up to do,” I interrupted, redirecting the conversation. “And I've got a client meeting at eleven. Don't take this the wrong way, but can we catch up later?”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Plus, I'll see you at the client dinner tonight anyway.”

“The client dinner?”

“Yes … didn't Emily tell you? We're having dinner with Brian, Mark, and Hannah,” Jack's right eyebrow returned to its raised position, sensing my apprehension.

I shook my head. “I have a debrief meeting with her, but it isn't until three o'clock.”

“Well, she'll tell you there. We're going to Sassafraz at seven. Don't be late.” Jack stood to leave the room.

My pulse quickened, and I felt the innate need to please my boss begin to take over. It was one of the reasons I'd always had a tough time saying no, especially to Jack. And it was also why I was often away from my family at night.

I took a quick breath, and responded swiftly. “It's too bad that I didn't know about the dinner sooner. Unfortunately, I won't be able to go tonight as I have a previous commitment.”

“Not go tonight? Of course you're going tonight. You're back, Carty. We need you. And it's a big client dinner. It's important that you be there.” Jack started to leave the room.

“I'm sorry, Jack. But I can't. As I said, I have a previous commitment.”

“To whom? What is more important than work?”

“My family,” I responded clearly. I looked Jack straight in the eyes and my voice did not falter. “I'm here all day today. And I will be tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. And I'll work late and on weekends when a client needs me to deliver on creative. But tonight? I'll be home with my family. I didn't know about the dinner. If I had known earlier, I could have made other arrangements. But I didn't, and I've promised my family I will be home to eat with them. So you'll have to go ahead without me this time. It's only dinner, not working on their business, and I'll see them again soon enough.”

Jack hesitated. He squinted his eyes, and I started to wonder if he'd had it with me and my absent ways. I was walking on thin ice, and I wondered if I'd gone too far.

“Fine. Whatever. Tell Ben he needs to be at the dinner.” Jack practically grunted the words as he started to leave my office.

Then, just before he walked out of the door, he paused and turned to look at me. “Carty? Just promise me you won't leave us for good, okay? This place really isn't the same without you. No one's got the same talent or grit.”

I nodded, grinning at my boss and relieved to see Jack show me his cards: he needed me. Even more than I needed him. And he was prepared to be flexible when I needed to put my family first.

“I promise, Jack. I'll be back in the office tomorrow at nine o'clock. Right after I've had breakfast with my kids.”

“Fine. We'll catch up then.” Jack waved his right hand in the air and was gone.