Embrace, Entice, Emblaze (22 page)

started I’d never be able to…even though we can’t.”

“You keep saying we can’t. It’s just an excuse, Linc.”

“It’s not.”

“Then why?
Why
can’t we?” I knew I was probably just hurting myself more, having this conversation with him, but I couldn’t

help myself.

“We’re destined partners, Vi. Like Griffin said, our powers are complemented by one another, our souls affected. Grigori partners, they can’t ever be together…like that. It’s too dangerous. It weakens our powers, makes us vulnerable to exiles.” He ran his

hands through his hair. “That’s why I always tried to keep my

distance, stay away, be professional. But now…”

“Now what?” I asked, struggling to process what he was saying.

We could never be together?

Not
if
I
become
a
Grigori
…

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He shook his head. “Now every time I look at you, I can see you can’t bear to be around me and I can’t even make it right.”

I was silent. I didn’t tell him it wasn’t true, that I did want to be near him, desperately, that more and more I wished I had it in me to just…let go.

“Will you ever forgive me?” he asked.

My mother’s letter had requested the same thing: understand. I

could try. Forgiveness always seemed harder.

“I think my mother was a Grigori,” I said, avoiding his question.

“What?” He seemed genuinely surprised, which was a relief. Part of the reason I hadn’t told him about this before was because I was afraid it was yet another thing he already knew and was keeping from me.

“Dad gave me a box that she’d left behind for my seventeenth

birthday. It was the same as the box you have and inside was one of the silver wristbands and…a letter.”

“Jesus. I didn’t know; I swear. I’ve never known of another

Grigori who had a Grigori parent. What did the letter say?”

“That spirits are real and sometimes they need to be returned…and to forgive her.”

“Oh.”

Silence spoke volumes until Lincoln finally broke it. “I know

I failed your trust. When you’ve embraced and you’re a Grigori, there’ll never be the need for secrets. I promise I’ll never keep anything from you again.”

“I’m sorry, Lincoln, but are you goddamn insane? Do you
really
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think I want to become a Grigori? After what just happened? What will happen to me once I actually embrace this thing? I can’t even cope now!”

His brow furrowed. “What are you saying?”

“Let me spell it out for you. I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. A. Grigori.

Now or ever! I’m sorry you had these grand plans, but I just want to go to school and live my life. Just my normal
human
life.” As I said it, I knew it was true.

He stood and started pacing around me. I stood too.

“You can’t, Vi. You’re not like other people. Even Phoenix said it. Your power attracts too much attention. You need to learn how to harness your Grigori powers to keep yourself safe.”

“No, I don’t. I’ve made my choice. Remember: free will. You can tell Griffin.”

He hunkered down in front of me, his head in his hands, then

he sank to his knees. “Violet,
please
. I can’t stand by and watch them hurt you. Hate me forever, but please don’t do this. They’ll find you and…they’ll kill you.”

Wow. Nothing like a little death threat to brighten your night.

I stood while he remained at my feet. In that moment, it seemed ironic. It had always been me kneeling at his feet, worshipping him.

“I’ll take my chances.”

He stared at the ground, but when he spoke his voice was steady.

“Do you really think that exile can protect you? Are you really sure he isn’t the very thing you should be running from?”

I half laughed. “That smacks of jealousy, Lincoln.”

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He didn’t look up. “Of course. Isn’t that what you were

aiming for?”

Stabbing myself in the eye with a toothpick would have been

easier than forcing myself to turn and walk away. But somehow

I did it. I left the man I would have once never willingly turned from, kneeling in the wet grass.

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chapter
nineteen

“Yet he was jealous, though he did not show it,

For jealousy dislikes the world to know it.”

Lord Byron

I woke to fi nd Phoenix sitting at the end of my bed. Seeing him there, uninvited and in my personal space, should have upset me.

Instead of being annoyed, I felt calm.

“Are you infl uencing me?” I asked, clearing my throat between

words.

“No.”

I wasn’t sure that was entirely true. He smoothed a hand over my bedspread, only to ruffl e it again in a clenched fi st. He was sulking.

“I’m sorry about last night,” I said, rubbing my face awake.

Mascara came off on my hands, alerting me to the fact that I now had panda eyes. I hadn’t even bothered to wash my face when I got home last night, or rather, this morning.

He didn’t respond. He just watched me. I was sure he was

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reading my emotions. “
You
were the one who said I needed to talk to him,” I tried, reaching for a tissue.

“Talk?” He raised an eyebrow.

I couldn’t stop the blush as last night’s kiss replayed in my mind.

I quickly set about dabbing my eyes, hiding behind the tissue.

“No one feels that guilty about a conversation,” he said quietly.

I pretended I hadn’t heard him and kept busy with the hard- to-

budge mascara.

“I can sense your memory, Violet!” He slammed his hand down

on the mattress, and the whole bed, with me on it, bounced. “More than words were exchanged.”

He stood and walked over to my bookshelf, pretending to rifle

through it. “And the regret you feel isn’t regret for whatever you
did
do.”

I tried to focus on nothing, tried to control my emotions and

block him out. He glared at me, totally pissed.

“Look, Phoenix, if you’re going to read me, then at least get your facts straight.”

He looked confused. I sat up in the bed, suddenly conscious I

was wearing a
Lion
King
T- shirt and most likely had bird’s- nest hair.

“There was a…” I didn’t know how to describe what I’d seen.

The idea of those people lying there with their insides ripped from them. The man who had been beyond lifeless, completely lost. Just the memory made me nauseous. I wrapped an arm around a pillow

and pulled it close to my body.

“Grigori were killed. When I saw the bodies, I…It was…painful.

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I couldn’t control it. I was desperate and had to find a way to stop the senses. So I…”

“Used your feelings for Lincoln?”

I looked down, embarrassed. “Yes.”

“And it worked?” he pressed.

“Yes.”

A look of pure fury swept across Phoenix’s face. I shuffled back in the bed until I hit the wall. I was shaking, but I held his eyes.

After a few minutes, he walked to my bedroom door. “Take a

shower, get changed. I’ll make coffee.” His voice was distant.

I lay back in bed and pulled the comforter over my head, not

knowing if I was supposed to feel relieved or more worried.

I scavenged around my room looking for clean clothes— something that was becoming an all- too-frequent habit. Normal things, like laundry, just seemed so unimportant these days. I threw on an old pair of jeans that were loose around the waist. I rarely wore them because I constantly had to tug them up. Plus, it was about eighty degrees outside. I knew I’d be hot, but nothing else would pass for clean.

While crawling around on my hands and knees in search of a belt, my mother’s box, which I’d stashed under my bed, caught my eye.

I pulled it out and emptied the contents across my bed. As I

tipped it upside down, I saw on the bottom a faded inscription I hadn’t noticed before.

Evelyn bar Semangelof

Magen of Will

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I picked up the baby necklace with the small amulet. Dad had

told me the amulet was some kind of good luck charm to be worn

for a baby’s first twenty days. He’d put it on me every day for six months, just to be sure.

I held the amulet in my hand. It depicted three figures standing with their hands outstretched. I could see the faint outline of wings behind them. I flipped it over in my hand and there was another engraving on the back. It was small and faded. I could barely make it out.

S.S.S. Protect

Apart from sounding like the name of a naval ship, I had no idea what it meant.

Had
my
mother
truly
been
a
Grigori? Had everything been a lie?

Did she even really love Dad? Or me for that matter?

The sound of a thump on my door startled me.

“Coffee’s ready,” Phoenix called out. He was obviously still

grumpy. I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair,

a futile attempt to relieve stress.

I put all of the contents back in the box, trying not to touch it or the silver wristband more than necessary. I didn’t need another unwanted attack of the senses. My hand lingered on the envelope that held my mother’s words before it too went into the box and back under my bed. “Out in a minute,” I yelled.

When I reached out to open my door, I noticed my arms and

stumbled backward in shock. My veins had wrapped around my

wrist like a thin bracelet. I looked closer at the markings and 187

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realized they weren’t my veins at all; they were something else. The color was almost gray or even…
metallic
?

I inhaled and closed my eyes.

Breathe, don’t panic. Breathe, don’t panic.

I reminded myself that I was a master at putting things into the deal- with- later section of my mind. This was no different.

The smell of fresh coffee hit me as soon as I walked into the

kitchen wearing a long- sleeved T- shirt over my baggy jeans. Yeah, not my best look.

“You’ll be hot in that,” Phoenix said, barely looking up.

“It’s fine.”

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I kept my emotions as

calm and neutral as possible. His eyebrows rose higher, but to my relief he didn’t say anything.

I drank the coffee Phoenix had made for me. I was sure it would be the first of many that day. I thought about the previous night and the decision I’d made. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was getting back some control. Since that day at Lincoln’s, I’d been losing myself bit by bit to the fear and panic of it all. The truth had shattered my sense of equilibrium, but I wasn’t going to let someone else’s idea of my destiny ruin what I’d worked so hard for. For better or worse, this was right for me. So what if I had a few weird marks on my arms? I could live with that.

“You’re fooling yourself,” Phoenix said out of nowhere, breaking my trail of positive thoughts.

I pouted, determined not to have my moment ruined. “Stop

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reading me. It’s rude.” I skipped to the fridge and pulled out a tub of yogurt.

“I can’t ignore you when you’re flashing your emotions around

like that,” he snapped. He wasn’t happy, but I was guessing my

cheerfulness wasn’t the key motivator for his angst.

I was losing patience with his foul mood. “Don’t look at

me like that. I’ve made my choice. If you really care about me, you’ll respect it. Unless, of course, you only wanted to be around me because you thought I was going to be some kind of super

powerful Grigori.”

I was joking, but his eyes darted away. I moved toward him,

standing in his line of sight. “That
isn’t
it
,
is it, Phoenix?” He walked toward me and took my hand. The senses started to

hum around me.

“It would certainly help in preventing your death, so yes, but…” He lifted his head to meet my eyes and I saw the conflict that raged within him. “It’s not why I’m here. Not anymore.” He leaned in to kiss me.