Embracing Emma (Companion to Brisé) (33 page)

I believed I had to be perfect, or appear so, or I wasn’t worthy of their love, their devotion, their sacrifice. They rescued me, and I couldn’t make them regret it. Lots of talks and counseling allowed me to hear what they’ve said all along.

I wasn’t a burden but a blessing.

Love wasn’t conditional but unrestricted.

Perfection was an illusion, one easily shattered.

Flaws were beauty and embracing them made you grow.

I’m getting a second chance. The love of my life may be gone, but I can start over with my sister. I can be who she needs me to be: strong, protective, honest, accepting. All the things I’ve kept buried. Afraid to rock the boat, afraid to be cast aside, afraid to be me.

I stare at the stars wondering if Emma is staring at the same sky, at the same time. Hoping she’s happy, praying she’ll come back.

The man I was doesn’t deserve her; the man I’m becoming is worthy and devoted.

Elise is my salvation. She learns my history, living with James and Brett. She doesn’t let my mistakes change her opinion of me; I’m her big brother and my past isn’t my future. She’s enthralled with all my football awards and stares at pictures of me growing up in wonder. I share the memories, telling stories where each was taken, when every trophy was given to me. Her eagerness to learn allows me to take pride in stuff I’d forgotten. It allows me to examine myself with clarity. Dad and Pops are over the moon. It doesn’t matter that she’s eighteen; they think they have another child to raise.

Her English is getting stronger thanks to the tutor we hired; she’s submitted college applications but wants to stay in town for a bit. She wasn’t able to shed much light on where I came from. From what she knows, I was saved twice. Once by the man who ran, the man whose DNA runs through me. He was neither a villain nor a saint. Second, Dad and Pops; whatever they saw in me, whatever connection made them break the rules, I’m grateful. Without their guidance, I cringe thinking where I’d be.

I have a night off, and we decided dinner at their house was warranted. I have big news I want to share. James called to let me know Phoebe and Luke would be joining us. I’ve seen them a few times, but I’ve avoided being where they are for long periods. I’m ashamed of my actions that night. I hate how I reacted.

“Where is everyone?” I call as I make my way through the empty rooms. I see them out back, soaking in the last rays of sun shining. The deck has become a favorite thinking spot of mine. “You too busy to greet your guests?”

“Son, you’re not a guest. Get your ass out here.” I hug my parents and Elise. I give Luke and Phoebe a nod. Luke steps forward and gives me a handshake/hug; Phoebe hugs me, tighter and longer than I’m used to.

“Uhh.” I don’t know what to say, I knew they’d be here, but their acceptance is confusing to me. Looking at Phoebe sends me to the opposite end of the deck to gain composure; it’s like looking at Ems in twenty years.

“Hey.” She invades my space. “We can go if you’re uncomfortable.”

“No. No.” My head shakes vigorously. “I wasn’t prepared for that welcoming. It’s been a while since we’ve been in the same room.”

“You’ve done a good job avoiding us, but it’s time to stop.” Her hand grasps my forearm. “You’re not to blame for what happened that night.”

“Not directly.”

“Not at all. What transpired after . . . that’s yours and my stubborn daughter’s cross to bear. I won’t betray either of you, but I want to be a part of your life. We watched you grow and become the man you are today. We’ve missed you.” She sniffles and hides her eyes. “Do you remember all the days you and Luke tossed a football with Emma bringing you water and playing with her dolls five feet from you?” I smile at the memory. “I was so worried she’d get clunked in the head with the ball, but you were so attuned to where she was, and if the ball veered in that direction, you were there to block it.”

“It was simple then.”

“It’s only as hard as you make it. I’m forever doling out advice whether you want it or not. I’m trying to get better, but it’s who I am. As a mom, it’s what I do. I can’t tell you what the future holds, but I can tell you what we all saw in you and Emma. It was real. I hope it’s everlasting, but if it’s not, I want you to be happy. I want you to forgive yourself and heal.”

“I’m working on that.”

“Good. Come join the rest of us.” She pulls me, and I follow.

Elise studies us, her head cocked, eyes curious. The dinner flows and laughter drifts between us. I stand and clear my throat. Looking at my dads, Elise, Luke, and Phoebe, I pull the envelope from my pocket. I open it without speaking and pass it to James.

His eyes skim, his smile wide. Brett takes it. His breath skips, his hands tremble. Elise has trouble reading, so Brett helps her translate as he hands it to Phoebe who shares with Luke. Her fingers go to her mouth, he tugs his hair. His eyes meet mine . . . respect is given and accepted. “I’m the newest recruit for the academy. I start next month.”

“Congratulations.”

“Proud of you!”

“Be careful.”

“You can do this.”

As the adults continue to cheer, I steal Elise to the side of the deck. “You okay?”

“I’m confused. The police aren’t always nice.”

“In your country. There are a few bad apples here, but we don’t work the same way you’ve witnessed. I know you lived in the less populated area, but for the most part, Belize’s police officers are good, law abiding, people.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“It can be. I promise I’ll do my best.” I tickle her under her chin, seeing a smile that mirrors mine has my jaw going slack. I hear the clicking of cameras, and I warn her. “This is going to be awhile.”

Chapter Forty-One

Emma

It happens today. I’ve completed my Masters in Social Work, MSW, but I have no idea where it’ll lead me. The challenges I face are nothing compared to what others are facing in their quest to become a family, the scars some hold, the anguish some cause, the joys some bring, the completeness of two becoming three, four, five, et cetra . . .

My parents flew in late last night. My mom’s dance studio had their recital yesterday and she couldn’t miss it, but they wouldn’t miss my graduation either. I had to be here early and with the time difference, we just agreed to meet after the ceremony. I see them in the crowd, their eyes fixated on the stage. My name is called; wolf whistles and cheers too loud to come from two people follow me. They can cause a ruckus.

“You did it.” My mom is full of energy.

“I did.” Waving the diploma in their faces.

“This is why I’m broke.” My dad grabs it from me.

“Ha-ha.” He kisses my head and won’t let go.

“I’m so damn proud of you baby girl.”

“Thanks. I’m starving. You’re buying lunch.” I wink at him and join my mom and the rest of the people exiting the auditorium.

I haven’t had the chance to tell them I’m coming home. It’s time. I’m ready. One of the top international adoption agencies is here in Washington, but this isn’t where I see myself. I have a lot of crow to eat and a lot of wrongs to right.

“Oh, you have to see the gazebo James had Brett build.” James was fixated with the gazebo in our backyard, and I guess Brett got the hint.

She grabs her camera and hands it to me. I scroll through the first few; admiring the view from the deck where I spent a lot of my evenings. The trees in bloom, smoke from the grill. The gazebo comes into view, and it’s serene. I love it.

It is hidden in a corner and painted a light cream with vines weaving in the trellis. I bet James loves it. “It’s—” I’m stopped in my tracks. The next photo has the gazebo, but in the corner, almost out of the frame, an image seizes my breath.

His smile engulfing his face, his eyes dancing in the sunset, his skin smooth and tan.

She is laughing at something he’s done. She is feeling his fingers under her chin. She’s with him.

I shut it off, handing it over. “It’s gorgeous, I bet he loves it.” She jumps in telling me how he spends his days there and wants dinner under the stars every night. I’m pushing my chicken with my fork, the lump in my throat and weight in my stomach preventing me from eating it. I force a smile, nod in the right moment. I continue to live the lie I have for twenty-one months. A few more minutes won’t matter.

“You okay?” my dad questions.

“Yeah, I’m great.” Lie.

“Have you decided if you’re coming home?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this. I’ve accepted a position here.” Lie.

“Emma.” My mom is crying. “I want you to be happy, but we miss you. This is so far.”

“I know. I couldn’t pass it up.” Lie.

“Does this have to do with Will? He’s doing better. Y’all should talk.”

“Mom, what happened is in the past. I’m over it, you should try doing the same.” Lie.

“You’re not close to being over it. I’ll tell you this; when you stand inside the frame you don’t see the same picture everyone else does. We see you hurting, drifting . . . he’s doing the same. He’s putting his life together, making something from the tragedy, you could learn to do that.”

“I just got a damn Masters degree. I’d say I’m making something of myself.”

“Emma Nichols. Tone.” He lets a lot slide, but disrespecting my mom isn’t something my dad tolerates.

I nod. “I’m ready to show you the town. Let’s go.”

The rest of the day is strained. I try to fake it, showing them the places I frequent, the must-see tourist attractions, nothing works. We’re all prickling with something looming under the surface, waiting for it to blow.

I say goodbye, telling them I’ll visit. Lie.

I call Holly and inform her of my plans.

“I don’t care what is happening when I get married. You’d better fly your skinny ass home and be my maid of honor.”

I laugh. “Holly, the day you settle down and quit making that boy chase you, I’ll be on the next flight.” She’ll be forty still hemming and hawing about marriage and settling down.

“You’ll eat your words, Emma.”

“I’ll dip them in ketchup.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you, Hols. You could come visit.” I don’t broach the subject of the girl in the picture.

She’s beautiful.

She’s happy.

She’s making him smile.

She’s my upgrade…my replacement.

If I don’t know her name, she can be a figment of my imagination. If I don’t know the details, it can all be ignored.

But it’s not. Day after day. Night after night. I dream. I cry. I wake longing for him. I was going to say I’m sorry. I was going to beg for forgiveness, but I refuse to strip his happiness . . . twice.

Scoring the interview was the first step in creating my life here. Getting the position is the difficult task.

“Why does this field interest you, Ms. Nichols?” The President of the company, Mr. Ludz, inquires.

“Since I saw first hand how social work contributes to any situation, I was intrigued. Whether it’s for the sick, the families, or in this case the blending of families . . . it matters. It’s relevant and one of the most substantial parts of adoption. I saw loss; I decided I wanted to help families grow. International adoption is an intricate process. Rules and laws in each country vary in aspects.”