Emma (29 page)

‘It sounds to me as if you’ve had a rough time, my dear.’

‘It hasn’t been easy,’ I admitted.

I had given him only a brief outline, leaving out much of Richard’s brutality and glossing over the years I’d spent almost a prisoner of Father’s shop and strict discipline, but I knew he understood. He had read deeper into my story, sensing the things I could not bring myself to say.

‘Well, you deserve to enjoy yourself now,’ he said. ‘Don’t you worry. I’ll get you the very best price for those coins. What are you going to do with the money?’

‘I’m not sure. Invest most of it, I expect. I might put some into the shop, but I’ll have to think about it.’

‘I might be able to come up with some ideas, but we’ll see.’ He glanced at the gold pocket watch hanging from a fancy chain on his waistcoat. ‘I have an appointment shortly so I’ll bid you good day, Emma. I hope you will come and see me again? I am sure Margaret would like to meet you next time.’

‘I should like that,’ I said. ‘Thank you for being so kind to me.’

‘My pleasure. Enjoy the rest of your day. The dresses you purchased should arrive at the beginning of next week. Let me know how you get on with them, won’t you?’

We parted. It was almost three o’clock. I could probably just catch the next train home if I hurried, but I wasn’t ready yet. I wanted to stay in town for one more night, to go shopping and perhaps to the pictures. I had never been on my own before, but there was a first time for everything.

I wandered round the shops for almost two hours, buying a toy for James and a pretty hat for my mother, who was looking after him. We had recently managed to wean him on to a bottle and I knew he would be well cared for, but I couldn’t help worrying about him a little. Was he taking his food? Was he missing me?

In my heart I knew he was safe enough. It was good for me to have this break away from the trauma of the past few weeks. I needed to think about what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

My situation was very strange. I wasn’t divorced or widowed, but I was no longer married either. I could never live with Richard again, no matter what happened. He was guilty of murder, whether he was ever convicted of the crime or not. I had to make a new life for myself and my son, and I had begun that today by coming to London alone.

I didn’t want to stay on at the shop for much longer. I had spoken to Mr Smythe about it before I came up to London. He had told me that my present situation was awkward.

‘Very awkward, Mrs Gillows. In law, the shop and its profits still belong to your husband. If you continue to manage it in his absence, you are entitled to a wage, and your mother will of course continue to receive her allowance. But until Mr Gillows is tried and convicted …’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘You could divorce him or you could contest your father’s will. It will need sorting out. But it will take time, and I think it best you wait for a while … to see how things go.’

‘Supposing I let the business to someone else?’

‘The rent and anything the stock realized would belong to Mr Gillows. It is a difficult position for you.’

‘But I could leave it empty?’

‘There is nothing in law that says you are forced to look after the shop, but what would you do? What would you live on?’

Mr Smythe knew nothing of my father’s secret hoard. I hadn’t told him. I supposed I ought to declare it, but why should I? It was security for my future and that of my son. What if I left March? What if I went to London? I could find work of some kind – or I could divorce my husband and marry Jon.

I had thought of telephoning Jon at his office, to let him know I would be in London for a couple of days – but something held me back. I was attracted to him, and when he’d kissed me I had felt something stir inside me. I knew I would miss Jon if I never saw him again, but was I in love with him? Did I want to be his wife?

Two men had betrayed me. I believed Jon was different, more caring and gentle. Yet I was reluctant to make my decision. Besides, I wasn’t free. In law I was still Richard’s wife, and until that was settled, I could only wait and see what happened.

Once back at home, my life settled into its usual routine. At times, I could almost believe that things were as they had been, that my father was still alive – that I had never been married. But of course I had, and nothing could ever be the same again.

‘Richard has gone,’ Mother said about a week later. ‘I’m sure he’s gone somewhere else. Perhaps abroad. He wouldn’t stay here.’

‘It does seem unlikely that he would wait around to be caught,’ I agreed, although a part of me wasn’t convinced. Richard had a stubborn streak in him and he felt he had been cheated. He might hang around in the hope of getting even. ‘But the papers have been saying the police are watching the ports for him. I still keep thinking he will come back – try to get at us in some way.’

‘No, he’s gone for good,’ she said. ‘We’ve got to think about the future now, Emma. Bert wants to have the banns read in church. He wants to get married now. After all, there’s no sense in waiting. We’ve wasted too much of our lives already.’

‘Yes, you should make the arrangements,’ I said and squeezed her hand. ‘You don’t want to wait forever. Richard might never be caught. He might just disappear.’

‘And where does that leave you?’

‘I think I shall have to close the shop, either sell off the stock or … I don’t know.’ I sighed and wrinkled my brow. ‘It’s awkward. Father’s will was so complicated.’

‘But surely if you divorced Richard,’ she said thoughtfully, ‘doesn’t it all revert to you? After all, you have sufficient grounds for divorce now.’

‘It would be difficult. I think it might be easier in the long run to close the shop. Besides, I don’t want to stay here. I want to make a change, Mum. If I close the shop, I can see what happens …’

‘Well, that’s up to you, Emma – but it’s yours by right.’

‘Yes, I know.’ I stood up, kissing her on the cheek. ‘I’m going down to the shop now, Mum. Ben needs a break. But don’t worry about me. Let Bert do what he thinks best. I shall make up my own mind when I’m ready.’

I was thoughtful as I went downstairs. I still wasn’t sure what I really wanted to do with my life. Jon had written me two lovely letters, telling me how sorry he was about what had happened, assuring me of his love, asking me to marry him.

‘We’ll find a way for you to divorce Richard,’ he had said in his last letter. ‘Even if the police never find him.’

Jon would look after me. I knew he would never be cruel, not in the way Richard had been – but did I want to marry again? I thought I might one day, though perhaps not yet.

All my life I had been told what to do. Other people, even those I loved and who loved me, had ruled my life, telling me what I ought or ought not to do … and in some cases doing irrevocable things for my sake.

I was beginning to think there might be another way to live. I was just experiencing my first taste of freedom, and I was starting to like it.

Ben and I were in the shop that afternoon, almost three weeks after Gran’s funeral. It was now the beginning of June and the threat of war loomed ever closer. Ben had been talking endlessly about the possibility of his being called up.

‘You’re only seventeen,’ I told him. ‘Surely you don’t want to fight?’

‘Just give me the chance!’

He was too young to be called up in the first wave of conscripts but, I realized now, if there was a war Ben would leave the shop anyway. The papers were full of reports about the country needing workers for the munitions factories. Everyone would be looking to help the war effort. I could not expect to keep Ben in the shop for much longer.

It seemed a decision was being forced on me. I would soon have to make up my mind, one way or the other, and it might as well be now.

‘Ben,’ I began. ‘If you want to …’

The door bell jangled and a customer came in. The words died on my lips. I stared at the man who had entered in disbelief. It couldn’t be! He was in America. Jon had told me Paul had no intention of returning to this country.

‘Emma …’ Paul was hesitant, oddly unsure of himself as he stood looking at me. ‘I suppose I should have written or something, but I hoped we could talk. Jon told me … about the boy. About everything.’

‘Paul?’ I felt my mouth go dry and my knees had turned to jelly. It was such a shock. I’d believed I had managed to forget him, but seeing him again was disturbing. ‘Perhaps we should go upstairs? Ben – you can manage for half an hour or so?’

‘I’ve got to go early,’ Ben said, giving Paul a hostile look. ‘You haven’t forgotten that, Emma?’

‘No, I haven’t forgotten. I shan’t be long.’

I lifted the counter flap so that Paul could pass. He followed me through the back and up the stairs without saying a word.

‘Is that you, Emma?’ Mother came out of the kitchen as she heard us. Realizing who was with me, her eyes narrowed in anger. ‘Oh, it’s you.’

‘Yes, it’s me,’ Paul said, looking awkward. ‘I know what your opinion of me must be, Mrs Robinson. I let you down, and Emma.’

‘Your behaviour was despicable!’

‘I know that. I never dreamed …’ He halted as he saw the expression on her face. ‘I shouldn’t have gone off the way I did. It was thoughtless and careless. I don’t really have an excuse. I was offered an exciting contract in America. I took it and once it was signed I couldn’t walk out on the company – there were severe penalties attached. But I did write, Emma. Once before I left England, and again from America.’

‘I didn’t get either of them.’

‘That doesn’t mean I didn’t send them.’

‘No, it doesn’t,’ I agreed. Father could easily have taken the letters in an attempt to stop me contacting Paul, to make certain I did as he intended. ‘Come into the parlour, Paul. We do need to talk – and you might like to see your son?’

‘Yes, thank you. I should appreciate that – if you don’t mind?’

My mother made an angry sound in her throat, and I knew she believed I should have sent him packing straight away.

‘I’ll put the kettle on. Don’t do anything silly, Emma. Don’t trust him. He’s let you down once, he’ll do it again.’ Mother gave me a sharp look, then disappeared into the kitchen. I led Paul into the parlour, sitting on a hard, upright chair next to the table. Paul stood by the fireplace, obviously ill at ease.

‘Sit down,’ I said, ‘and don’t look so nervous. I shan’t attack you with the carving knife and nor will Mum. If my father or Richard were here they might well have had a go at you, but they aren’t.’

Paul seemed embarrassed. ‘I read about your husband, and Jon told me about Mr Robinson. I’m very sorry.’

‘Yes. I am too. That may surprise you?’

Paul shook his head. ‘Your father was fond of you in his way. He was only trying to protect you from men like me.’

‘From rotters, you mean? Men who seduce naive country girls and leave them to sort out the mess alone?’

‘I know I behaved badly,’ he said and smiled oddly. ‘Don’t be bitter, Emma. It doesn’t suit you.’

I laughed harshly. ‘How should I be? Grateful that you’ve bothered to remember me?’

‘I know I let you down. I’m sorry. It was a terrible thing to do, and I can’t blame you for being angry. I did care for you, but things were difficult.’

He wasn’t going to get away so easily. I
was
very angry. He had caused so much pain and suffering.

‘I wasn’t the only one you seduced, was I?’

‘Did Jon tell you about Marion?’ Paul had the grace to look embarrassed.

‘No. I was there at the house when he brought your money back – remember? I heard enough to guess what might have been going on. And another girl wrote to your mother. She thought I was trying to blackmail her when I went to see you. Did she tell you that?’ He shook his head. ‘I thought you would marry me if you knew I was having your child. I didn’t know there was a prior claimant.’

‘Marion’s child wasn’t mine,’ he said defensively. ‘We’ve known each other for years. Our parents were friends years ago, but they fell out and Mother hadn’t seen Marion since she was a child. I suppose she thought you were her.’

‘Yes, I’m sure of it.’ I gave him a long, hard look. ‘Why should I believe any of this, Paul? I don’t have much reason to trust you, do I?’

‘No, but it is true. Marion has tried every way in the book to get me to marry her. She swore the child was mine, of course, but it only happened once, at a party. I was drunk and so was she. But I wasn’t her only lover. I knew there had been others. It wasn’t the same as you and me, Emma. I give you my word. And I
would
have married you if I’d been here. If I’d known about the baby.’

‘Would you?’ I gave him a hard look and his gaze dropped, a red flush creeping up his neck. Perhaps he had convinced himself that he would have done the decent thing, but I didn’t believe him. ‘I’m sorry, Paul. I don’t think you know when you’re lying yourself. You make excuses because you just don’t have the courage to face the truth.’

Paul looked surprised, as though he didn’t think me capable of such thoughts.

He took a step towards me. ‘I’ve come to try and put things right. We’ll get a good lawyer to look after the divorce …’ He paused as he saw my expression. ‘We could be married … My son needs his father.’

‘Your son?’ I asked scornfully.

‘James is my son. You aren’t denying that?’

‘No, but I have no intention of marrying you, Paul. If that’s why you came, you’ve wasted your time.’

‘Don’t dismiss my offer out of hand. I think we could be good together.’ He smiled, clearly thinking his charm would bring me round, as it would have once.

‘Why are you bothering with this, Paul? Why now? I’m sorry to be suspicious, but I keep thinking there must be a reason.’

‘Why should you think I need a reason, Emma? You were always an attractive girl, you’re even more so now, and I’m fond of you. Surely you believe that?’

‘I believe you think you are, Paul,’ I replied, staring at him intently, a faint suspicion creeping into my mind. I couldn’t believe he’d travelled all this way just to do the right thing. ‘There’s something else, isn’t there? A reason why getting married is important to you.’