Empath (Book 1 of the Empath Trilogy) (12 page)

“What we do first is teach you how to protect yourself.  Anything else would be wonderful, but is entirely optional.”  Growing more severe, he leaned in toward me and I stared into his eyes, deeper blue than before.  “I saw how Stephen’s touch affected you.  Can you touch people without that happening?” 

It was hard, this confession.  I’d never told anyone all of this.  It was too hard to admit.  But, if there was anyone who could help me, it was James.

Picking a spot on the wall just over his head and pretending I was talking about someone else, I began, “Since I was little, it’s hurt to touch people.  It feels like all of my nerves are exposed and the other person’s skin is electrocuting me, my whole body all at the same time.  My whole self is swallowed up by the other person’s emotions.  I know what’s happening, I don’t lose consciousness or anything, I’m still,” I paused to pick the right word,  “I’m still watching but I can’t do anything or say anything to stop my body from going through the same things as theirs.  I lose myself in their joy or pain.”  Even lust, I remembered privately.  I shuddered and closed my eyes as I remembered hugging my cousin Roger at our Aunt Olivia’s wedding.  Roger was fifteen at the time, I was thirteen and he’d had some champagne, which made him feel his hormones running.  If it weren’t for Mom’s intuition kicking in at that moment, making her follow me down the hallway into that alcove, something probably would have happened right there, with my own cousin. 

I could hear every beat of my heart as I sat there in the silence, eyes closed with my shame laid bare before a total stranger.  It was worse than being naked.  My gift left me at the mercy of anyone who might lay a hand on me.  Or, I would live without the human element of touch my whole life.  That was the true cost of my curse.  It could not feel like a gift to me.

In the gentlest of voices, my confessor broke the silence,  “Claire, I have known others like you.  It will be a challenge, but if you are willing I think I can help you.”

For the first time, I wondered if it could be a reality for me to hug my parents and enjoy it.  Maybe even hold someone’s hand, it wasn’t much but it was more than I’d ever dared hope.  It would be difficult he said, but I was a good student.  I could do this.

I sat up straight in my seat and looked directly into his blue eyes.  They were so open that I couldn’t help but trust him; maybe it was a vampire thing.  More Glamour; it didn’t matter, I was going for it.  Yet there was something else there I couldn’t put my finger on; curiosity?  Maybe I was as much a mystery to him as he was to me.  Again, I stopped my thinking from going down that road.  I was here to learn, that was it.

He shifted his weight forward and put his hands on his knees.  It was such a human action that it was easy to forget what he was.  “Claire, you are an empath with a remarkably strong ability to channel.  This leaves you open to all sorts of attacks, whether through accident or malice.  Before we add to the lessons Stephen has taught you I need to understand what you know about shielding.” 

“Well, he pointed me to the Jenkins book and I’ve been working on it through my door.”  I was proud of my progress.

He looked quizzically at me.  “Your door?”

I felt my cheeks coloring again.  “Well, yeah.  I can’t just walk up to people and ask them to stand still while I practice blocking them out.  They would lock me up in a heartbeat.  So, I sit at my door and when I feel someone coming I imagine a door and see myself closing it.”

“Tell me more about how you feel them.  Is it a general sense or is it more specific?  Can you tell if they are human, male or female?  How much information can you get from them without seeing them?”

“I can tell their gender, men feel differently than women and age is approximate.  Mostly I can tell if someone is older or younger by feel.  Younger people feel more strongly.  Older and mature people tend to be milder in their emotions.  I can tell how someone is feeling and what they are feeling it about, but only as they experience it.  Memories fade unless someone is literally having it while I’m listening.”  How old was he, I wondered.  And how many people like me had he known?

He waited motionless for me so I kept going.

“Blocking is easier to do if I am farther away from someone and if I don’t know them very well.  You know how Stephen needs to have touched you to get a connection he can find later, whenever he wants?”

He nodded.

“Well, that’s how mine is, sort of.  If I know someone or they have ever touched me, I can’t block them as easily.  It has been pretty easy here at school because I don’t know anyone very well and no one has touched me but Stephen, and that was only the once.”

His face clouded with what I took for anger with me for weakness.  “I remember how that ended.”

I ducked my eyes embarrassed.  “Yeah, that’s kind of how it can be.  He felt affectionate toward me and I picked it up, throwing it right back at him.  It can act like a magnifier sometimes because of the looping effect.”  A thought struck me and I hoped I wasn’t being too bold.  “Why is his kind so much warmer than yours or mine?” 

My request gave him barely a pause.  “Stephen is a wereanimal, and they are warmer than your kind because their animal is always with them, a potential change always right there below the surface.  Mine is cool unless we’ve recently fed and have warm blood coursing through our systems, then, by its proximity, we are temporarily warm.  Knowing those few subtleties between our species could save your life one day.”

“That’s all right,
I’ll
never need to worry about that stuff.  If I’m helping you guys out I’ll have Stephen with me and he’ll tell me what’s what.”  I waved off his warning.

All signs of gentleness dropped from his face and his demeanor instantly shifted to one of intense gravity.  “Claire, you cannot forget that I am a vampire and although I have sworn an oath to protect you, I must be very careful around you.  My hands are strong enough to crush your bones, my thirst can overtake me; my desires can be too much for me if I am weak for even a moment or forget myself.”  His eyes had gone black and hard, his hands were clutching his knees tightly and I saw the cording of his muscles standing out on his forearms as he spoke with passion, leaning in toward me.

Fear was strong but curiosity was stronger, and distracting.  I waited long enough to figure out that he wasn’t going to kill me on the spot and then asked, “What oath did you swear and to whom?”

He looked baffled at my inquiry, blinking the human back into his features.  “Did you believe that your friends would give you over so easily to such a dangerous creature with no promise of protection?  I have sworn to keep you safe while you are in my custody.

The last bit of tension that I hadn’t realized I was holding dropped out of my shoulders and I sagged from the relief of it.  I was safe here.  Troy had meant it when he’d offered the protection of the clan.

He smiled though I heard a taste of bitterness on his tongue, “I thought you weren’t afraid of me.”

“Being afraid and being uncertain are two different things, James.”  It was the first time I had said his name and I liked it.

James stood and put his right hand into the air separating our bodies.  I looked at it and snapped back up in alarm.  “What do you want me to do with
that
?”  My heart started to race.  We couldn’t touch.  What if he could sense how he affected me?  He could do whatever he wanted then and he could just tell Troy and Stephen I’d gone willingly to the slaughter.  It would be easy to get me to mirror his thirst.

“I will shield you myself and take it down a little at a time as you learn to pick it up on your own.  But I will need to know how your ability functions to better work with it.  I sense people’s talents, but need to touch you in order to do so.  Each person’s is different.  I cannot help you to contain or manipulate yours if I don’t know the peculiarities of it.”  He held his hand out palm up and wiggled his fingers playfully at me, a grin crept back into his eyes.  “You will have to trust me.”

I stood too, wiping my now sweating palms on my pants, glad I had picked the jeans.  They hid the marks so much better than khakis.  I raised my right hand and held it palm down a few inches from his.  Our bodies were little over a foot apart and my heart started hammering in my chest.  My stomach was fluttering and I felt the sweat beading on my back and under my arms.  I thought I was having an anxiety attack.

His face was calmly watching mine like this was the most normal thing.  “You must learn to settle yourself, we haven’t even tried our first experiment yet.” 

“Give me a moment.”  I closed my eyes so that I couldn’t see him, then I concentrated on my breathing.  With all of my issues I had spent a good amount of time practicing deep breathing and meditation.  Taking this moment to “find my breath” as my books had instructed, I found my heart rate coming down and my body responding to my wishes.  I reopened my eyes, my body firmly back under control. 

James stood exactly as before with a pleased expression.  “That was good, Claire.  Are you ready to begin then?”

Too frightened to speak, I merely nodded and licked my suddenly dry lips. 

Much like my earlier confession, I watched his hand moving toward my own except I felt like it was someone else’s.  Mine was some stranger’s body and I was standing beside her, seeing this from the outside.  When our palms were about an inch apart, I felt the hum begin, lower and quieter than I was used to.  He
was
different than a human. 

My eyes sought his.  They quickly became my gyroscope, helping me balance here in this strangest of situations.  He saw my surprised reaction to his feel. 

“I will be easier to work with because I am not human.  My emotions are much more fleeting and almost feel...”  Here he became uncertain for the first time since I had met him.  “I guess you would say that my body has been dead for so long that my human emotions have dulled.  They are in my head, but do not affect my body as your kind’s do.” 

Hmm, that was curious.  I felt it building, the unstoppable urge to touch him.  He’d said no harm would come and that he would help shield me, plus I had to put my hands on his.  Again I felt that inexplicable pull toward him, but now it was total.  The tug was in my head, in my stomach.  I could feel it even in my very skin.

Dropping my resistance, I brought my hand down onto his, lightly then more firmly.  I knew instantly that it was too much too soon.  His feelings rushed up to me.  They were so fast and fleeting that it was hard to focus on what I was getting as they flooded into me.  With an incredible sense of relief I also found that with them shifting so quickly they were easy to block.  It was like I had a box of his emotional “thoughts” and they were wrapped up with enough cotton that I could choose which one I wanted to grab and analyze once I got used to the pace. 

I caught glimpses of faces and places from different times go flashing past me.  Fascinating.  Would I be able to do this when my training was complete? 

Almost as rapidly as I had begun to read him, James pulled his hand back and put it in his pocket.  He was breathing hard and his eyes were dark again. 

“I don’t understand.  That was great!  I was able to separate each emotive thought you had and if I had more time, I could have read them.”  It was hard to contain my exuberance.  This was more than I had ever hoped I would be able to do.  It was like mind reading, but more than words, I could feel flashes of what he felt about each person and place though too complex to understand in the glimpses I’d been exposed to.  Realization struck me then and I felt the guilt over what I’d done.

“James, I am sorry, that was intrusive, wasn’t it?  I should have warned you.  You said you’d shield and I figured I would just go for it.  Like ripping off a band-aid.”  I couldn’t meet his eyes out of embarrassment.

Just then, the teakettle whistled making both of us jump to our feet.  Carefully, so that we didn’t touch again, James carefully stepped around me before turning to go to the kitchen.  “Have a seat, I’ll be right back with your tea.”

“I’ll help.”  I wanted something to do with myself to help dissipate the awkwardness.

“No,” he said too harshly and too quickly, holding up his hand to me.

The rejection and humiliation burned hot.  He offered to help me and when I wasn’t offending him, I bowled him over like an overeager Labrador.  I worried this time I’d pushed him too far and now he would take me home. 

He seemed to understand how I was feeling.  His voice was meant to soothe as he broke into my thoughts.  “Claire, you have a stronger ability than I was ready for.  It took me by surprise is all.  I will be better able to help you if I eat before we continue.”

Instantly, I felt the color drain from my face.  My heart leapt into my throat.  He was going to eat?  Me?  No, Stephen said he didn’t do that.

“Relax,” he assured with a small grin.  “My supply is in my refrigerator.  If you would have a seat and give me just a few moments, I will take care of my needs and return with your tea.”

“Oh, okay.  That’s, um, thoughtful.”  Well, that was arguably the weirdest conversation I’d ever had.  Feeling better about a lot of things, confused about others, I sat down on the couch and pulled my legs up underneath me to wait while James went about his business.  Left to my own nosiness, I took the time to look around.  What had seemed so clean and streamlined about the house initially I now saw as sterile. 

Most people have pictures around their house showing hints of who they are.  Pictures of their hobbies, people they know and love, places they’ve been.  I hadn’t noticed it at first, but figured out in the lack of what I was seeking that I was hoping to learn more about my handsome tutor.  He spoke formally at times, so I thought he was from at least the turn of the century when English got more mixed and slang became more acceptable.  Or, maybe he wasn’t American initially and had learned it later.  The foreign exchange students I had met in high school had learned what we called “British English” which was way more formal than our own American version.  Of course I was also looking for evidence of a girlfriend.  She would have to be pretty amazing to get this guy and, I assumed, she would have to be a vampire too, or it wouldn’t be fair because she would be too scared to break up with him. 

I had put the cashmere throw on my lap while I was deep in thought about the hottie in the other room who was quickly becoming an incredibly fascinating person.  Uh oh, double trouble.  Great to look at, better to talk to. 

Switching gears for my own safety, I looked around me.  This was a comfortable house, I was tired and it was safe here.  Relax, I thought as I closed my eyes for just a minute.  I could return myself to a steadier place while I waited, thinking we could work that much better when he returned. 

It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes that I had been asleep when I awoke to his voice in my ear.  “Claire, I should bring you home.”

I sat up with a start, nearly smashing into his face in the process. He must have been right in my ear.  Good thing he moved so fast or we’d both have serious goose eggs on our foreheads; well, I would anyway.  “No, I’m alright.  Please, I’ll be fine after I have some caffeine.”

He didn’t look convinced, but I wanted a chance to prove myself after the earlier debacle.  We couldn’t end our session like this or it would be our last.  “Are you certain?  I warned you these practices can be draining.  If you are already tired, I don’t want you to pass out on me.”  He grinned teasingly and I felt my stomach flip.  His color was closer to human, feeding must give him color as well as warmth, which explained the difference I saw in his pallor earlier as well.

“Let me have a cup of tea and I’ll be among the living again.”  I froze and shot a look at him unable to read his reaction.  Not sure if I had done damage or not, I concentrated on my tea.

After a few sips I put the cup down, pushed the blanket aside and stood up.  “Okay, let’s try this again.  I’m ready.”

He stood as well, so gracefully it was inconceivable, mesmerizing even.  “Yes,” he agreed cautiously.  “But this time, you hold still and I will come to you.”

We both put our palms out again but this time, obediently, I held perfectly still.  When we touched, it was not like before.  He was completely shielded and I had my first feeling of just someone’s hand.  This was just touch.  I felt the solidness of his palm, the coolness of his skin.  I felt
him
.  I was unprepared for what it would do to me.  Before I realized it, I was weeping; uncontrollably weeping. 

James instantly pulled his hand back and I heard the confusion in his voice.  “I was shielded, you shouldn’t feel anything.”

That just made me cry harder.  I couldn’t look at him.  Through my sobs, I tried to speak.  “I don’t.  That’s it; I’ve never felt…nothing before.”

He understood that and closed the last step between us.  As I saw his arms coming up, I jerked my face up to his and he saw my panic. 

“Trust me.  You’ll be safe.”  James put his arms around me, letting his shields block out everything and give me peace.  I finally felt what it was like to be comforted by an embrace.  I wept for everything I’d never had, for the fear that made me cringe from a hug instead of lean into one.  I felt him lift me up with one arm, sweeping my legs up with his other and without the slightest indication of exertion, he sat on the couch pulling me up into his lap.  I tried to tell myself he’d seen it all before working with people like me and then cast that aside, preferring to think this first embrace was special for more than just me. 

It seemed like I cried forever.  I finally stopped and sat quietly enjoying the repetition one of his hands provided as it gently smoothed my hair.  My face lay against his chest affording me a nose full of his smell, which I gradually became aware of as I calmed down.  It was a combination of vanilla and a musky spice that I couldn’t quite place.  It was so captivating that I couldn’t get enough of it.  His body had cooled, and now I was as well where we touched.  That was okay with me because him holding me was different than any other contact that I had ever had and I wanted it to be just that, different.  It made it even more special.  I committed the feeling to memory since I didn’t know if I would get this from him, or anyone, again.  But I didn’t want to overstay my welcome so I began to pull away.

“Where are you going?” he held on to me sounding displeased, his grip tightening slightly as if he too wanted to keep me with him.  I stopped myself from groaning aloud as I thought of how I wished that were true.

“I think you’ve been more than kind.  It’s probably time for us to get back to work.”  Might as well offer him the out now since he couldn’t have planned on doing this all night.  “Unless you would like to call it quits for the night.”

He was bewildered.  “Why would we give up?”  He let me pull away enough so that he could look at my face.  “You are a human and this must be overwhelming to you.  We can work through this when you are ready.”

“Have you always been so wonderful?”  It sounded so reverent, I regretted saying it the second the words left my lips.  Now it was out there.  The dumb, overly emotional human thinks the vampire is wonderful.  I should seriously consider cutting out my own tongue.

James regarded me with a quizzical smile, “Not everyone would agree that I am wonderful.  It is flattering that you would think so, though.  Thank you, it is nice to hear every few decades.”  He was thoughtful for a moment before going on.  “Yes, I am different than others of my kind.  It suits me, this kind of work.” 

Then he did allow me to pull away, but my legs remained on his lap.  I tried my tea.  It was cold.  “I don’t suppose you have a microwave, do you?”

“Yes, I do.  Just a moment and I can heat that up for you, I can’t have you falling down.”  He lifted my legs off of him and set them next to him on the couch before he rose up to take care of my tea.  “Stay put,” he added; I couldn’t tell if he was kidding or not.

This time I didn’t fall asleep while he nuked the tea.  It helped that it was only about thirty seconds.  “Thank you, I need this,” I said, reaching for my cup.  It felt good to just hold the warm teacup. 

“Drink that and we will begin again.”  He resumed his original position, sitting in the chair across from me while he waited.

Always a good girl, I did as I was told and drank my tea.  We were perfectly comfortable sitting in relative silence.  I would have thought I’d feel awkward after my breakdown in front of him, only I didn’t.  It made me feel even more drawn to him, like he and I were supposed to be around each other.  Maybe in some way we would be able to work that out, even if just as friends.  I needed this man in my life, it was a compulsion beyond my control. 

Setting my cup on the floor beside me, I placed my hands on my knees to push myself up.  “Okay, let’s do this thing.”

“Are you certain?” He eyed me warily, possibly anticipating more tears. 

“You’ve been more than patient and we have to have something to show for tonight’s efforts before I leave here.”  It occurred to me I was being awfully presumptuous and again offered him the graceful exit.  “That is, if you have the time?  Do we have a limit as to how long this can take tonight?”

“I have set aside my evenings for you for the present, so until further notice, I am yours,” he added with a one-handed flourish.