Empty Arms: A Novel (38 page)

I shake my head. “After what I went through, I can’t stand the thought of it.”

“I understand, but it’s a lot different than it used to be. There aren’t maternity homes and psycho nurses that force you to give your baby away. Women have more choices now, more information.”

I turn to her, baffled. I never expected my daughter to be the one who talked me into adoption. But what she’s saying is true. Though adoption has never been an easy thing for anyone involved, it’s not the way it used to be.

I watch Paul bouncing Maggie on his knee, and suddenly the idea doesn’t seem so bad at all.

T
HAT NIGHT,
E
LLIE ORDERS PIZZA
for dinner. While we wait for the delivery man, the four of us form a circle around Maggie on the family room floor, cheering when she manages to roll over onto her back.

“When the doorbell rings, Ellie runs to get her purse and I head for the front door.

“Good evening, ma’am,” the teenage delivery boy says. “I have a large Meat Lovers and a large half-plain, half-Tex Mex.”

I take the pies. “Does that sound right?” I ask, as Ellie appears behind me with her wallet.

“That’s right,” she says, passing him her credit card.

“I’ll get the table set,” I call over my shoulder as I head to the kitchen. I stack the boxes on the counter and pull a stack of paper plates out of the pantry. I set the Meat Lovers pie to one side for Doug and Paul. I open the lid of the other box, curious to see what Ellie’s Tex Mex pizza entails. The sight of salsa and hot chilies stops me cold. Bandito pizza.

“Something wrong?” she asks, peering over my shoulder.

I look at her. “This is your father’s favorite pizza.”

She looks at the pie wistfully. “It’s nice to finally know where some of my tastes come from.” She sets her wallet down and opens the cabinet next to the microwave. She pulls out garlic, oregano, and red pepper flakes. “Is there anything else you’d like?”

As I look at the assortment she has lined up on the counter, a photograph in her open wallet catches my eye. “I know her.” I point to the photo of a woman with shiny red hair and turquoise eyes. “That’s Margaret Pearson.”

“Yes.”

“Why on earth do you have a photo of Margaret Pearson in your wallet?”

“She was my adoptive mother.”

“No.” I shake my head, thinking of her little boy and baby girl. “She couldn’t have been.”

“She was. We even named Maggie after her.”

“But that can’t be right. I used to babysit for Margaret’s children, Tommy and Maddie Rae.” The rambunctious, sword-wielding four-year-old springs to mind along with his sweet baby sister who had taken her first step into my arms; the precious beams of sunshine that had illuminated my darkest days after they took Emily away from me.

She steps toward me and takes my hand. “Tommy’s my older brother,” she says, “and I’m Madeline Rae. Ellie’s my nickname.”

I stare at her in disbelief. Mom had been the one who arranged the adoption, that’s how she got the file. All this time, I’ve hated her for making me give up my daughter, but she’d made it possible for us to be together without anyone knowing. Not me or Ellie or Mrs. Pearson or the neighbors. And when I told her about my grief, she tried to arrange for us to be together at the memorial service and Thanksgiving. For twenty-three years, I thought she was heartless and cruel, but she knew how much it meant to be there for your child’s first step and her first word. She gave me those memories. She let us be together. Once.

P
AUL TUCKS OUR BAGS
in the overhead bin and slides into the seat next to me. “That Maggie is sweet as sugar,” he says, following my gaze to the dark figures waving at us from the airport window. There hadn’t been a dry eye between us when we exchanged our final hugs and Paul and I disappeared down the jetway.

“She sure is,” I sigh, staring at the baby in my daughter’s arms. Doug’s arm is wrapped around Ellie’s shoulder, and the way she’s leaning into him tells me her despair matches mine. I miss them already and we haven’t even left. Ellie’s birthday is a month away, but it seems like a lifetime to wait.

I don’t take my eyes off Ellie until the plane taxis away from the gate. “So, are you glad you came with me?” I ask, turning to Paul.

He takes my hand and presses it to his lips. “More than you’ll ever know.”

“Are you ready to go home and adopt a baby of our own?”

He shrugs with a sheepish grin. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Maggie is a handful, God love her. I don’t know if I have the energy for that anymore. I might be better suited as a Poppy.”

For the first time in years, his forehead isn’t crinkled with concern and his eyes aren’t swimming with pain. He looks peaceful. And more than that, he looks happy.

“You know, Ellie had an interesting idea.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“She suggested we move to Asheville so we can be around Maggie and her future brothers and sisters.” I hold my breath, hoping he won’t get mad.

“I suppose we could sell the house.”

His response shocks me. I can’t believe we’re actually discussing this. “You could run your business down here.”

I can see his brain at work. “The climate would be a lot nicer for working outdoors. But wouldn’t you miss the nursery babies?”

I shake my head. “I have future grandbabies that need me. That need
us
.”

He nods, considering it. “It might be nice to start fresh.”

I think of the past five years. “We could use a new beginning.”

He looks at me and his eyes are filled with love. “I’ll do this with you, but only under one condition.”

“What?” I ask, hoping it’s something I can live with.

“I’ll never cheer for Duke.”

I laugh and shake his hand. “Deal.”

And just like that, we stop pulling each other in different directions and head toward the future.

Together.

1. In the beginning of the story we learn that Catharine is keeping a secret. What is her secret? Who is she keeping it from and why? Do you think keeping this secret was the right decision?
   
 

2. What is Catharine and Paul’s marriage like? How do they react when they are diagnosed with unexplained infertility? Why are their opinions of adoption so different?
   
 

3. Catharine embarks on a quest to find her daughter. What issues does she face? If you were in Catharine’s shoes, would you look for Emily? Why or why not?
   
 

4. What is Catharine’s relationship with her mother like? What are their differences? Why do you think Evelyn refuses to help Catharine find Emily? If you were in Evelyn’s shoes what would you do?
   
 

5. Catharine’s habit of picking at the scabs on her arm is an act of self-harm. Why does she do this? What finally makes her stop?
   
 

6. Catharine works in the newborn nursery at Lowville General Hospital as a way of holding on to Emily. Do you think this job helped or hurt her? Why?
   
 

7. Why is Catharine attracted to Harper? What does she learn from him? Why doesn’t their relationship work out?
   
 

8. Through Harper’s job at the Adoption Registry, we see how difficult it can be for birth parents and adoptees to reunite. How do you feel about the mutual consent procedures? Is it effective? Is it fair?
   
 

9. In your opinion, how did teenage Catharine handle her pregnancy? What would you have done differently?
   
 

10. Why did Catharine’s mother steal the letters that she and James sent to each other? What impact did this have on both characters’ lives? How do you think things would’ve worked out if they had received the letters?
    
 

11. Catharine traveled to Texas to tell James about Emily. How did he react and why? Does his reaction make him a bad father or a good one?
    
 

12. Catharine and Melody both lived at the Home for Fallen Women and were forced to surrender their children for adoption. How were their experiences different? How were they similar? What do they learn from each other?
    
 

13. Catharine wants to have a relationship with her daughter, yet her relationship with her mother was difficult. Do you think Catharine’s relationship with her daughter will be different than the relationship she had with her mother? In what ways?
    
 

14. Ellie reveals that she didn’t search for Catharine out of respect for her adoptive mother. If you were an adoptive parent, how would you feel if your child wanted to search for a birth parent? How would you feel if a birth parent wanted to contact your adopted child?
    
 

15. How has Catharine and Paul’s relationship changed by the end of the story? Did they get what they wanted? What do you think their future holds?
    
 

16. What does “motherhood” mean and how is it explored in this novel? What makes someone a mother?
    
 

17. Which character do you most relate to? Why?
    
 

Erika Liodice is the founder of the award-winning motivational blog,
Beyond the Gray
, where she shares her journey to publication while encouraging readers to reach for their own dreams. She is a contributor to literary and travel sites, including
Writer Unboxed
,
Reader Unboxed, The Savvy Explorer
, and
Lehigh Valley InSite
. She received a B.S. in Business and Economics from Lehigh University and studied fiction writing at Gotham Writers’ Workshop. Erika lives in Bethlehem, PA with her husband.

www.erikaliodice.com

Copyright © 2011 Erika Liodice

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the author or publisher.