Enchanted by Your Kisses (39 page)

He looked incredulous. "But why? Don't you love me?"

Oh, aye,
she silently answered,
if you only knew how much.
Instead she looked him in the eyes and said the only words she could say. "No, Nathan, I do not."

He drew back. "Then what was all this nonsense about being honest, for I know as surely as I breathe that you
do
love me."

"I thought that by fabricating a story I could make you hate me, but it is not in me to do that. No, I must tell you the truth."

The truth. If only she could.

"I do not love you, Nathan. Please believe me when I say that I desire you, there can be no denying that. But love? Impossible. We are from opposite worlds. My father helped me to see that."

He looked down at her in disgust. "Your father is trying to poison your mind."

"No, my father helped me to see we have no future together. My family is here, your family is in the colonies. You could never come back to
England
once you leave, so I would never see my family again."

"You would like it in the colonies."

"Not if my family is not there with me."

"But you love me." He grabbed her by the arms, almost as if he wanted to shake her. "You do. I will be your family."

"No, Nathan, I do not love you. For how could I possibly love a man who turns his nose up at his own uncle? And a title, too, no less."

He looked like she'd struck him. "Titles are important to you?"

"Of course they are, Nathan. If you knew me better, you would know that. Despite my checkered past, I have still been raised to be a nobleman's wife. What we shared was nice, and"—she searched for a word—"enlightening, but if we are honest with each other, we must admit that love does not happen quite so quickly."

He drew back. She knew she'd finally gotten his attention, knew he was taken aback by her words.

"You cannot be serious," he said.

"I am."

"This was all a game to you?"

"Game? No. I would call it more of an adventure, one that ended better than my affair with Archie. Of course, my father interrupted Archie and me at the wrong moment. Pity, for it would have been nice to have someone to compare you to."

He drew himself up. She thought she might have gone too far, that he would see through her lies. But too many years of not trusting women had apparently taken their toll. She saw the emotions flit across his face. Disbelief, anger, and worst of all, pain. An answering pain rose in her throat.

Nathan, Nathan,
she wanted to scream,
can you not see that I lie? Has our time together taught you nothing of me?

He stepped back from her, his face turning cold. "Then I wish you well, my lady. Since you are set on leaving, you may as well go now."

She wanted to fall at his feet and cry, wanted to fling herself into his arms and never let go. Instead Ariel stepped back, amazed at how calm her voice sounded when she said, "Then I bid you good-bye, too, Nathan
Trevain
. And God speed, for despite what you may think, I do care for you." Heavens, if only he knew how much. "Have a safe voyage."

But he'd already turned away from her, crossing to his brother. Thus he didn't see her lift a hand in mute agony, didn't see the tear that escaped.

Escape.

Aye, she needed to escape. Now, before she did something foolish like ruin it all by telling him the truth.

On feet heavy with sadness, she crossed to the door, forcing herself to take every step, forcing herself to breathe, to walk away without shedding a tear.

I love you,
she silently said, looking back at him one last time.

His face was in profile, the scar vivid by lantern light. He stared down at his brother, not even looking up when she turned the handle of the door with a click, not even when she didn't move for a second, hoping, nay, praying, he would look her way one last time.

But he didn't.

With blurry eyes, she stepped through the doorway and toward her future.

A future without Nathan
Trevain
.

Ariel had no memory of the journey home, her wounds making it hard to see anything but her misery. Her father remained silent the whole way, and for that she was grateful. Even when they reached the outskirts of
London
and she had broken down in tears, he remained silent. So she cried most of the way to
Bettenshire
, cried away her despair and anguish and grief.

When she reached home, she wanted only to sleep. Sleep so that she could forget about the lies she'd been forced to tell. And sleep she did, but if one must sleep, one must awaken, too. She did, her childhood room coming into focus, though at first she didn't know where she was. Then memories assailed her. Nathan. His brother. What she'd done. A stab of misery so acute it made her long to close her eyes again hit her in the heart, but she didn't close her eyes. Instead she turned her head, spying a figure in profile by the bed.

Phoebe.

"
Arie
?" her cousin said.

She ignored Phoebe's voice, wanting only to curl up with the pain of her loss.

"
Arie
, thank God. I thought you would never wake."

Would that she hadn't, for now that the pain had begun to hit, she could barely breathe. Her throat tightened up, her breath quickened, her eyes filled with regretful tears.

A hand reached out and stroked the hair from Ariel's eyes. The tears began to break free.

"Oh,
Arie
," Phoebe soothed. "Come here."

Ariel didn't want to go. She wanted to tell Phoebe to leave, Ariel just wanting to be left alone with her misery. But she didn't have the strength to say even that. And when Phoebe moved to the edge of her bed, the mattress tipping with Phoebe's weight, then collected her into her arms, Ariel's control broke. Ariel sucked in air, felt the damn burst, then began to sob in Phoebe's arms. She cried for the loss of Nathan, cried because she knew she'd never see him again. Cried because once again she'd loved a man and once again she'd lost him.

"
Arie
," Phoebe soothed. "I'm so sorry."

Ariel blinked away tears. "Oh, Phoebe," she choked out, her voice raspy. "Is he gone?"

"Nathan?" she asked.

Ariel nodded.

"Aye, Ariel. Your father said he set sail the morning after you spoke with him."

Oh, Nathan. You didn't.
But he had. She'd known he would, had seen the pain in his eyes.

"You fell in love with him, didn't you?"

Fresh tears rose. She gasped out the words, "I did," and the realization made her begin to sob all over again. "Oh, Phoebe, I did. And I made him leave me. I made him think I didn't love him. And he believed me. He left."

"
Arie
," her soft voice answered. "I'm so sorry." She hugged her tighter. Rocking her. "So, so, sorry."

She held her. Ariel let her, crying out her pain on her shoulder. But the pain would never go away, she realized. It would be a part of her forever, something she would carry around for life. And just when she thought she couldn't shed another tear, more came. Phoebe continued to rock her and hold her and murmur soothing words in her ears.

It was a long while later that the crying slowly stopped. She knew the tears were still there, hovering beyond the edge of her lashes, but she contained them. For now. Phoebe pulled back, looking down at her again, her face filled with so much sympathy she wanted to cry all over again.

"Can I help?" she asked.

A small tear leaked out at her question. Would that she could. But there was nothing anyone could do. She would live with the loss of Nathan for the rest of her life. "No, Phoebe. You cannot help. What's done is done, thanks to my father."

"Is he the one who made you do this?"

She nodded. "In exchange for Nathan's freedom and his brother's."

Phoebe inhaled deeply. "'
Tis
not a very nice thing to do.

Ariel shook her head. "Where is he?"

"I do not know. He has been keeping to himself for the past few days."

Days? "How long have I been asleep?"

An edge of worry filled Phoebe's eyes. "You arrived four days ago."

Four days! She didn't know why the realization should make fresh tears rise. Perhaps because there was no hope that she could watch Nathan's ship set sail. He was gone. Back to the colonies. She to stay here.

The realization brought a desperation to her soul so hard to combat she could barely breathe.

"Do you want to see him?"

"See who?" she asked in a monotone.

"Your father."

"No, Phoebe. Not yet. In time."

Phoebe nodded. "I will let you get some rest." She rose from the bed.

"Phoebe, wait." Ariel reached for her cousin's hand. Her eyes burned again with tears. "Thank you for coming."

Answering tears rose in Phoebe's eyes. "Where else would I be?"

Where else indeed?

But it was days before she would deign to see her father, not that he asked to see her. Or even stopped by. Phoebe said he'd been engrossed in his work. Engrossed. Hah. Likely he plotted how best to look the hero by releasing Nathan
Trevain
.

"Father," she said. The skirts of her lemon-colored dress flew behind her as she entered his study.

"Ariel," he replied in a clipped voice, looking up from the papers he'd been studying. He sat behind his desk in a deep leather chair, his wig firmly in place. The sterile interior seemed to fit her father's personality perfectly, even the stack of papers to his left piled in perfect, precise order. "I see you are feeling better."

"Am I?" she asked, coming to stand before him. Morning light reflected off the surface of his cherry-wood desk. It showed both their images. He looked small when viewed from such an odd angle. And older. Or perhaps it was her loathing for him. He looked different to her, perhaps more repugnant and well-used. "And how would you know that, Father, when you have visited me not even once?"

His eyes narrowed. "I kept tabs on you through Phoebe."

In a smooth motion she settled herself on a brown leather chair in front of his desk. "How very fatherly of you, Father."

He sat up straighter. "Ariel, what is it you wish to see me about?"

"Perhaps nothing. Perhaps I merely wish to see how you fare. Did you receive a knighthood from the king for your brilliant recapture of Nathan
Trevain
?"

His lips tightened.

"No? How about a promotion of some sort? Oh, but that's right, you can rise no further in your career, can you? There is only one place to go from here, and that is down."

He stared up at her, a look of mistrust suddenly entering his eyes. Well, good. As she'd lain in bed the past days a thousand thoughts had gone through her mind. Had there been something different she could have done? Had she done the right thing? Would Nathan be happy without her?

Bother that, would she be happy without Nathan?