- - End of All Things, The (32 page)

“Maybe,” he said, but she could tell he didn’t believe it.

Over the next few days, Carly’s anxiety grew. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. She was the queasiest in the mornings, but it lingered all day. She slowly started accepting what she feared was almost inevitable. 

She thought of a nature documentary on birds she’d once watched. The birds flew in huge flocks; a complicated, roiling cloud that tumbled through the air. The narrator said it was protection from predators as it made it almost impossible for a predator to target one bird. That’s how her mind seemed; a whirling riot of thoughts and she couldn’t grasp onto any one. 

I think I am. What will we do?
And always after this thought, she would see the image in her mind of the little boy with Justin’s eyes or a little girl with dark hair and her father’s smile.

She knew what the pregnancy test would show even before they looked at the lines on the test stick.

Pregnant
.

She was pregnant.

Carly had to sit down. Her head swam.

Pregnant. Oh, God.

Justin was also still staring at the stick. He looked up at her with naked fear in his eyes. “Carly.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “What are we going to do?”

“That’s the decision you’ll have to make.” His face was carefully blank.

“What? It’s not like I can pop down to the local abortion clinic.”

Justin winced at the word. “There are alternatives.”

“That pill,” she said. “It was all over the news. I remember.” Numbness made her words sound distant even to her own ears.

He nodded over at the pharmacy where they’d gotten the test.

“I—I . . .” Carly couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. She gazed at him helplessly.

Justin pulled her into his arms. “Shh. Shh.”

A sob tore its way from her throat, despite her best efforts to hold it back. “What do
you
want to do?”

“It’s not my decision.” She looked up and saw his face was still blank; a look he assumed when he didn’t want her to know what he was thinking.

“Yes, it is,” Carly said insistently. “It’s both of us, Justin. Your opinion is just as important as mine. I need you to talk to me now because I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. And I’m confused. And I just don’t know what to do.”

He kissed the top of her head and walked back into the pharmacy. He came back out, holding a paper packet of pills. She opened it. The pills were there, as well as the instructions. She looked up at him. “Is this your answer?”

“No. It’s one of the options.”

Carly closed the packet and put it into her back pocket. “Justin, I need you to help me with this.”

He groaned and thrust his hands into his hair. “Carly, what do you want me to say? What I feel or what I think is the practical thing to do? You and I have already discussed what bringing a child into this world would be like.”

She nodded. So many dangers, so much uncertainty. A world where life was once again
nasty, brutish, and short
; a lawless, uncivilized world where the strong preyed upon the weak.

“We won’t be able to get proper medical care for you or for the baby. You could . . . you
both
could die. And I’m terrified of the possibility.” For a moment, his emotionless façade dropped, and she saw raw fear in his eyes. He dropped his hands and put them on her shoulders. “Despite all of that, it’s your decision. If you want to have this baby, I’ll do everything in my power to keep the both of you safe. To get you what you need.” 

She licked her lips. “I want to know—I want to know what you’re feeling. I already know the practical side. Tell me what your heart says.”

In his eyes she saw the same sadness and longing she felt. “Emotionally, I want to have this baby. I’m thrilled. I’ve never thought I’d make much of a father, but you would be the world’s best mother. I couldn’t ask for a better person to share the upbringing of a child. And I’m picturing a beautiful little girl who looks just like you, or a little boy who has my eyes, and, I hope to God, your nose.”

Carly gave him a watery smile, touched that he shared her vision of the dark-eyed little boy and that he also felt the pang of longing. It made her feel better to know Justin felt the same way; if their circumstances had been different, they would both be able to greet this new life with joy and love.

“It makes my heart want to sing, but then the practicality steps in. And it tells me it’s morally wrong to bring a child into this world.” Justin tilted up Carly’s face until their eyes met. 

She blinked back tears. “If everyone thought that way, our species would die out.”

“Maybe it was supposed to.”

Those words fell like a brick into the silence between them. Carly knew Justin didn’t think much of mankind as a whole, probably because he’d seen the worst of humanity when he was in the service. And among a few of the people they had encountered during their travels, for that matter. But to have no hope, no dreams for a better future, was something Carly couldn’t really comprehend. 

She swallowed hard and squared her shoulders. “How long do I have to decide?”

“Two months. But it would be much better, Carly, if you decided as soon as possible. It would be easier on you.”

“Easier emotionally or physically?” 

“Both.” Their eyes met and held for a long moment.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Think on it,” Justin said. He put an arm around her shoulders and tucked her against his side. “This isn’t an easy decision, Carly. It never is.”

“What if this was meant to happen?”

He took a deep breath but said nothing.

“I know you’re not really a believer, but there could be a
reason,
you know. A reason why the pills didn’t work.”

“If that’s true, go ahead and down the pills in your pocket,” Justin said, and his tone was a little sharp. “If it’s meant to be, those won’t work either, right?”

Carly looked away.

“I’m sorry.” When Carly didn’t look at him, he gently reached out and nudged her chin toward him, waiting until she met his eyes before he continued. “Really. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to mock your . . . Do you want to call it
faith
?”

“I don’t know what I want to call it,” Carly replied, wiping away the tears that were dripping onto her cheeks, despite her best intentions not to start crying. Again. She must have cried buckets over the last two weeks. “It’s just a question circling in my mind. I told you about it before. It’s this strange feeling I have, which lingers at the edges of my thoughts. I told you before I wondered if you were supposed to find me, and maybe there was a reason for it. Maybe we’re headed for something. Somewhere we’re supposed to go. Something we’re supposed to do.”

“Or maybe we’re just wandering around the back of beyond, and we’re like a puddle marveling that the pothole was perfectly shaped to hold its water.” Justin softened the words with a small smile, but Carly still found them bleak. She didn’t reply.

“Come on, honey.” Justin stood and offered her a hand to help her to her feet. “Let’s go pick a house on the outskirts of town, preferably some place with a garden so Shadowfax can get even fatter.”

Carly gave him a faint smile. “You’d think with all the exercise she’s getting, she wouldn’t gain any weight.”

“I’m beginning to think she’s part pig.” They walked over to their bicycles and set off down the empty street.

The house they chose was a beautiful old Victorian, which had been lovingly restored by the owners. Carly wandered through it while Justin got their things from the wagon. Upstairs, she paused in a doorway, and that’s where Justin found her, staring into the nursery.

Carly could hear thumps and bangs from outside where Justin was reloading the wagon after moving some of their things around to make room for the supplies they’d found in the house. She knew if she walked over to the window, she’d be able to see him out there with Sam and Shadowfax, and he might look up at the window and smile at her as he had done when she was hiding in her apartment. But Carly hadn’t made it as far as the window. When she entered the nursery, she had stopped at the rocking chair and settled into it, staring at the crib.

The room had the air of expectation, not occupation; a place prepared but never used. The baby for whom it had been arranged hadn’t slept in the bassinet, or played with the pastel, stuffed animals smiling in the corner of the crib. The tiny outfits in the basket on the changing table had never been worn. 

Around the top of the wall, Disney cartoon animals had been painted with more enthusiasm than skill. Carly imagined the expectant mother and father working together to decorate this room, revealing their excitement and hope in every detail. And then she saw herself and Justin as the couple. Justin put down the paint brush and placed his hands beside hers to feel the baby kick within her rounded belly, and they exchanged smiles of delight.

Carly closed her eyes, and the tears that had gathered fell. She pressed a hand over her still-flat abdomen.

Is the fate of humanity to be a world of empty nurseries? Is this the end for all of us?
She suddenly realized she hadn’t seen a baby or child since the Crisis, except for the child in the fishing cabin. All of the travelers they’d encountered had been adults.

A wave of despair threatened to engulf her. Carly sobbed, and it sounded horribly loud in the quiet, cheerful little room. Resolutely, she pushed it back. She couldn’t believe it was the end. She refused to believe it.

The vague musings about fate and destiny that had occupied her thoughts sporadically over the last few months came together, and she saw them as an unbroken chain leading her to what was meant to be. There was a reason for this. If mankind had been meant to go extinct, there wouldn’t be any of them left, and she wouldn’t be carrying a baby. She didn’t know whether to call it God or destiny, but there was some force in the universe that had brought Carly and Justin to this point.

She thought of the pills she had tucked away in her bag, and the pain was like a hot knife blade in her heart. She knew then she couldn’t do it. Despite all the perils they faced and the uncertain future, she wanted this baby. She already loved him or her, this tiny, precious life, this part of herself and Justin. She saw that vision in her mind again, of the dark-eyed little boy, but the thought was no longer painful. It made her happy. She thought once he got over his worry, Justin would be happy, too.

This wasn’t the end. It was the beginning. It wasn’t going to be easy, and the road they traveled was fraught with danger, but she had to have faith. Whatever had brought them to this point would see them through whatever challenges lay ahead in order to fulfill their destiny.

“Carly?”

Justin found her in the nursery, and a dart of alarm struck him when he saw the tears on her cheeks. But she smiled at him, and her eyes were bright.

“I think you’re wrong,” she said. “I don’t think humans were supposed to die out during the Infection. And I think those of us who survived have a duty to protect the next generation. We’re starting over, Justin. We’re rebuilding the world. And this time, we’re going to make it even better.”