Endless, Forever (24 page)

“I’m not worried about it,” Gabe said, then looked up with a kinder smile when his beer arrived.  “Thank you.”

“Need a few moments before you order?”

“Maybe longer,” Gabe confessed.

“Some water would be wonderful, though,” Oliver cut in.  “And an appetizer?”

Gabe shrugged.  “Have you still got the hummus one?”

The server nodded.  “Cucumbers and carrots, or pita?”

“The veggies,” Gabe said.

The order taken, the server hurried off, and Gabe returned his attention to Oliver who was nervously poking at the stem of his martini glass.

“You know RS Publishing is my dad’s company, right?”

Gabe laughed and rolled his eyes.  “I do now.  I didn’t before, or that’s the last place I would have taken a contract from.  But the offer was the best one I got, considering.”

“Considering?”

“The topic.  It’s not exactly mainstream, so being offered an advance at all was pretty shocking.”

“Your story is compelling, you know,” Oliver argued.  “I mean, vaguely based on real life events, you made brand new characters come to life.  It was impressive.”

“Yeah well, you were always easily impressed,” Gabe said, then took a drink as if to stop himself from saying more.  “But thank you.  I…I guess I was hoping some day you might actually read it, you know?  Maybe not like this but…”

Oliver gave a soft laugh.  “Yeah.  I reckon the end was one of those fuck yous.  Look how brilliant my life is, I hope yours is shit.”

“I
never
hoped you suffered, Ollie,” Gabe all-but whispered, and Oliver’s throat instantly burned with the desire to break down and sob.  “God that…that wasn’t what it was about.  I just couldn’t bear to write an ending which left them miserable.  I didn’t want to tell everyone that at the end of things, when you lose your first love, you lose everything.”

Oliver shook his head.  “I deserved it, though.  I think about what I did, what you went through and…I…”  He swallowed thickly.  “I could have done things so much better, and I didn’t.”

“You could have, but at the time you were suffering, and your brother had almost died.  I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.”

Oliver looked down at his hands, clasping them in front of his drink, and bit down on his lip so hard, it nearly broke the skin.  “There wasn’t anything you could have done.  I was a person who couldn’t be helped by anyone but myself.  He’s better though, Leo.”  He chanced a look up and saw Gabe smile softly.  “Getting his graduate degree in psychology right now at Stanford.”

“So he came back too?”

Oliver nodded.  “Spent a year in rehab, I spent a year in intensive therapy, and finished my thesis.  Right after, my dad offered me a job and honestly it was then I realized the only place I felt at home was here.”

Gabe looked at him, his entire face gone soft.  “So here you are.”

“Here I am,” he said, feeling a mixture of thrilled and miserable.  He wanted so desperately to ask if Gabe had moved on.  If he’d met anyone.  If he was happy and gotten everything he ever wanted.  But he was too afraid to know the answers.  “You look like you’ve done well for yourself.  Teaching and all that.”

“I can’t believe I actually got sucked into it, to be honest,” Gabe said with a slight chuckle.  He quieted as the hummus and vegetables were set on the table, but neither of them bothered to reach for any.  “I nearly bailed on the whole idea, but my aunt talked me into it right before she died.”

Oliver sucked in his breath.  “Oh.  I’m so sorry.”

Gabe shook his head.  “It’s alright.  I mean, I was sad, of course.  She was everything to me, but I think she’d be proud of where I am today.”

“Of course she is,” Oliver said, almost harshly.  “Who wouldn’t be.  A fantastic job, a book on the way.  If the ending is at all realistic, you found someone to make you happy…”

Laughing, Gabe shook his head.  “Subtle, Ollie.  You could have just come out and asked.”

Oliver flushed and shrugged his shoulders.  “Seemed impolite.”

“When have you ever cared about polite?  I know three years hasn’t changed you
that
much,” Gabe challenged, reaching for a carrot and poking it in his direction.  He swiped it in the hummus, then took a bite and spoke around it.  “And no, that part was fantasy.  I had a few on and off relationships, but it’s hard for me, being gay and trans.  It’s not the most friendly environment.  Not everyone was immediately willing to see me exactly as I am instead of what I should be.”

Oliver felt his gut twist, and a bit of hate for anyone who had ever made Gabriel feel othered.  He might have pined for him, but he hadn’t been lying—to himself or to anyone else—when he had said he wanted Gabe to find someone who made him happy.

“I’m sorry everyone’s shite.  But if it makes you feel better, the one person I dated after you, crashed and burnt so badly, I think I still have singe marks.”

Gabe rolled his eyes.  “Why would that make me happy?  I didn’t want you to be miserable.”

“Hard not to think that,” Oliver said, his tongue moving faster than his brain, “when I did what I did.”  He stopped and took a breath.  “I’ve been miserably in love with you for the last three years, and well…I guess I just assumed you had wanted me to suffer.”

Gabe dropped the cucumber he was holding.  “Oliver…”

“I’m not here hoping you’ll give me another chance,” Oliver said in a rush.  “Fuck, I shouldn’t have even said that, but I could never lie to you.  I just…I wanted to make sure you were happy.  To let you know that book made me
so
bloody proud of you, and I just…I’m sorry.  For how it all happened.”

Gabe took a long drink of his beer, then sighed.  “It’s alright.  I don’t think you’ve got some dastardly ulterior motive or anything.  And for what it’s worth, you seem a lot better, and I’m proud of you, too.  You and Leo both.”

“He’ll be really pleased that I heard from you.  He always really liked you.”

Gabe grinned.  “He was a good friend.  I thought about him a lot.  Worried.  Did a lot of google searches to make sure he ended up you know…making it out alright.  Never found much, but he updated his Facebook profile picture occasionally so I felt like it was safe to assume.”

Chuckling, Oliver shook his head.  “He’s still a social media whore.  But he’s doing well.”

“And you?”

Oliver sighed.  “As can be expected.  I got through everything, moved past it.  Stopped letting my anger control me.  Came to terms with the fact that I’m never going to be cured because what happened to me defined me, but it doesn’t have to destroy me.”  He stopped and grinned.  “All that psycho-babble you used to love so much.”

Gabriel laughed a genuine, deep belly laugh.  “Yeah.  Well…good.  You seem different.  In a good way.”

Settling back into his chair, Oliver felt something uncoil in his chest, and for the first time since he had said goodbye to Gabriel, he realized that maybe he was going to be okay.  If there wasn’t a future, that was fine.  He would move on from it and live, but this was what he needed.  This exactly.  The smile, the knowing that ultimately he hadn’t ruined anyone, not even himself.

They fell into easy conversation after that, Gabriel talking about his past relationships and telling funny stories about several of his students.  He talked about defending his thesis, and about the doddering old men in his department who tried to run things the way they had in the fifties.

Oliver in return talked about Sam, about the ridiculous decisions he made, about living with him for three whole weeks.  “It was a record, you know,” he pointed out.

Gabe snickered over his salad.  “Yeah, I know.  Did you give yourself a little ribbon at least?  Gold star that read, I tried?”

“No, you shit,” Oliver said with a wide grin.  “I bought myself an entire chocolate cake and ate it.  Completely alone.”

“You’re disgusting.  You’re a disgrace,” Gabe said.

Oliver sniffed, turning his nose up in the air.  “I’m fantastic, you mean.  A sodding role model for all the pathetic gay boys who can’t seem to keep their hearts or affairs in order.  And anyway, he was just terrified of becoming American, and yet he expected me to move to Wales.  Where they don’t actually like the English.  Where I’m liable to be mugged just for existing as English on their soil.  At least here they find me charming.”

“Oh, we only
tell
you that you’re charming.  Secretly we’re slipping you drugs to make you compliant.  Soon enough, you decorate your apartment in pictures of horses running through water and American flags.  Then the conversion is complete.  Only you don’t get citizenship and we constantly give you shit about foreigners taking our jobs.”

Oliver threw his head back and laughed so hard his cheeks ached.  “You are the worst.  I don’t know why I ever missed you.”

“Because I’m a fucking delight.  Didn’t you say that to me once?” Gabe asked, pointing his fork at Oliver.

The mood sobered a moment after that, as Oliver recalled the exact moment.  It was one of the moments he realized he was falling for Gabe, hard and fast.  His smile softened and the laughs died down.

“This was good.  I don’t know how to thank you for this.”

Licking his lips, Gabe pushed his plate to the side and clasped his hands on the table.  “Can I tell you something?”

Oliver nodded as he sipped his water.  “Anything.  I think I’ve sufficiently embarrassed myself with my honesty, so if you’d like to have a go, I’m all ears.”

Gabe smiled faintly, but took a quick breath.  “I never got over you.  I tried.  So hard, you know?  I hoped maybe if I wrote it down in the book, it might take the edge off.  But instead, all it did was bring you back here, and now I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Oliver felt his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, refusing to budge, refusing to form a reply.  All he wanted right then was to take Gabe in his arms and beg for a second chance, but he’d already promised both himself and Gabriel that’s not why he’d come.

“Any chance you still smoke?” Gabe said, breaking the silence.

Giving a wet, tense laugh, Oliver nodded.  “Yeah, never kicked the habit.  You fancy one?”  He quickly took out his card and slapped it on the table, motioning for their sever to come over.  “We’re going to pop out for a quick second.  Can you run that for me?”

The server swept up the card as Oliver rose, and he tried not to walk too close to Gabe as they hurried for the front doors, and down long enough to be safe smoking distance.

With shaking hands, Oliver reached into his pocket for the cigarettes and the lighter, handing one over to Gabriel before lighting his own.  He took in a long drag, tipping his head back as he let the smoke ease out through his mouth and nostrils.

“You sure know how to end an evening, Gabe.  You know that?” Oliver asked with a laugh.

Gabe shoved one hand into his pocket, the other holding the cigarette to his mouth as he looked at Oliver over the V of his fingers.  “I suppose I do,” he replied, his voice smoke-thick.  “I didn’t mean for that to all come spilling out, but here you are, you know?  Still fucking bright as ever, almost overwhelming with your stupid smile and your gorgeous hair.  You were supposed to age like shit and if I ever saw you again, I was supposed to just breathe a sigh of relief like I’d dodged a bullet.”

“It’s not easy for me either, you know,” Oliver pointed out.  “Comparing every poor sod I meet to you—and they can never measure up.  I came here to apologize and promise never to interfere in your life again, and all I can think about is shoving you against the wall and kissing you stupid.”

Gabe gave him a long, hard look, taking a huge drag of the cigarette.  Letting it out, his hand hung down near his thigh, and barely audibly he said, “I’m not stopping you, Ollie.  I should…but I’m not.”

It was like his body moved before he could even think about it.  His cigarette was on the ground, his hands were twisted into Gabriel’s shirt, and his former lover’s back was pressed against cold brick.  He had his face so close he could smell the smoke on Gabe’s breath, feel the heat from his skin, and his eyes closed.

“If I start kissing you now,” Oliver whispered, “I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to stop.”

Gabe let out a slow chuckle, reaching one hand up to cup around the back of Oliver’s neck.  “I think I’d be okay with that.”

“Yeah?”

Gabe laughed again.  “It’s better than torturing myself with memories and telling myself I can never have this again.  I want you.  I’m probably the biggest fool on the planet, and God help me, but I want you.”

Shoving a knee between Gabe’s legs, he hitched him close.  “If I do this, I’m never letting you go again.  Just understand that.  I’m going to hold you, and fuck you, and kiss you every goddamn day.  I’m going to marry the hell out of you and build us a house and that’s it.  You hear me?  This is your one chance to get out.”

Gabe dropped his cigarette and palmed Oliver’s cheek.  “No, Ollie, because that’s the thing.  I never had a chance.  I was always yours.”

Feeling a rush thorough him like a volcanic eruption, Oliver couldn’t stop himself.  His lips crashed forward, hard, needy, bringing him back where he knew he belonged. Bringing him back to his love.  Their mouths and tongues moved together like they’d never been apart, with a ferocity that spoke volumes.  Gabriel let out a small moan, and Oliver felt dizzy with need as they pressed their bodies together in a hard line.