Entwined - SF5 (11 page)

As the tape began to roll Jamie had to laugh at Ryan’s assessment. She imagined that most videos of a soccer game would show the whole field, or at least try to follow the ball. But this one was of nothing but Ryan. It was impossible to tell what was going on until the ball came near the goal since Martin had filled the frame with nothing but his daughter. But in Jamie’s view, he had made exactly the correct choice.

Needing to see every detail, Jamie climbed off the bed to stand near the TV. Time and again she turned to look at her smirking lover, going back and forth between the image on the screen and the reality lying on the bed. In a way, Ryan looked just like she had in 1992. Her hair was in the same style it had been up until her recent haircut and her face was clearly recognizable. But in other ways, the young woman pacing around in the goal looked like a completely different person.

Even though her face was similar, the young Ryan had a softness to her features that the adult version lacked. It was as if her current strong features were hidden under a layer of baby fat, and after a few more glances, Jamie decided that’s exactly what the difference was. There was a roundness to her cheeks that was completely adorable, and Jamie decided immediately that if they had met when Ryan was 17 and she 14, she would have skipped the heterosexual interlude that kept her occupied for so many years.

She guessed that Ryan had weighed no more than 150, a good 40-50 pounds less than her ideal weight now, but she also looked several inches shorter, so the lower weight was expected. The young Ryan was very slim through the hips and thighs, with none of the definition that she now had. Her shoulders were so remarkably broad that she looked a bit like she had left the hanger in her shirt, but there was no visible musculature there, either. Jamie had never considered this term for her partner, but she had to admit that she looked almost willowy at this young age. It was quite a surprise to her, and so different from her current image, that Jamie was almost nonplussed.
Thank God she’s not just a math nerd
, Jamie silently mused.
I’m sure I’d still love her, but I would SO miss those muscles.

As she stared at the screen, she recognized that the thing that both impressed and saddened her was the guileless enthusiasm that the young Ryan radiated as she ran around in her goal. Even though her lover was often childlike and joyous, there was a purity of spirit that she'd had at 17 that was likely lost forever. The young woman looked like she expected nothing but good things to happen to her, while today Ryan had a certain reserved cynicism that clouded her features from time to time. This young woman had no idea how tumultuous her life would become in a few short months, and Jamie doubted that she would have believed anyone who tried to tell her differently. She was full of energy and optimism and enthusiasm for life, and Jamie immediately felt her anger focus on the adults who had taken that from her.

As the game wound down, the video captured the joyous celebration as the team emerged victorious. But the most touching moment was when the camera focused on Ryan and Sara hugging each other with unbridled elation. When their hug ended, they each kept an arm around the other’s shoulder as they grinned into the camera for a full minute. Eventually their heads tilted until they rested against each other in a playful fashion. The video ended with the image of their joyous faces etched into Jamie’s mind. When she turned to look at her lover again, she caught a heartbreakingly sad look on Ryan’s handsome features, and she leapt onto the bed and cuddled her furiously for a long while, finally lifting Ryan’s tear streaked face to promise, "We’ll find out what happened, Baby. I swear."

An hour later they were sitting on the ground watching a group of hopeful young girls work out on a small field in Alta Plaza Park. Jamie had no idea that Ryan’s school was in such an elegant neighborhood, but she was afraid to ask the obvious question of how the O’Flaherty’s could have afforded to send Ryan there.

The school was located in the middle of Pacific Heights, the most elegant neighborhood in San Francisco, just a few blocks from the park they were currently in. The school itself was housed in a massive old mansion built for the Flood family in 1916; Ryan explained that, since the school had no athletic facilities, they had reached agreements with the public and private parks and schools in the area to use various facilities for different sports

As if she could read Jamie’s mind, Ryan volunteered, "I could only attend because of scholarships. When I was in grade school, I assumed I’d go to the local Catholic high school that my brothers had attended. But Sara’s mom convinced her to go to Sacred Heart, and I spent all of eighth grade badgering Da to see if we could afford it too. Of course we couldn’t, and my heart just about broke. I can honestly say that was the only time it bothered me that we didn’t have money," she said sadly.

Jamie gazed at her pensively, trying to imagine what it would be like to want something so desperately but be unable to attain it because of a lack of money. She realized that there would always be a chasm between their experiences, and that at some level she could never really understand what it would feel like to have money limit your dreams. She was just happy that it would never be an issue for Ryan or any of the O'Flahertys again–she would see to that.

Ryan continued her tale. "Sara made the soccer team when she was a freshman and I hopped on the bus every time I could to come watch her play. She introduced me to the coach and before I knew it, one of the admissions counselors called Da and said they wanted to offer me a scholarship. I think that was one of the happiest days of my life," she said winsomely.

Ryan leaned back on her braced arms and looked up at the sky while she reflected on those days. "You know," she said as she pulled a long blade of grass and stuck it between her teeth, "I don’t think I’ve ever considered why it meant so much to me to get that scholarship. But I think it’s the same reason that the scholarship to Cal meant so much."

Jamie sat up a little straighter and stared at Ryan, but she seemed to need to focus on the sky to concentrate. "School had always been easy for me. I don’t think you know this, but I was treated like I was really special because of my abilities in math." Jamie did in fact know just how special Ryan was, but she decided not to reveal what Martin and Conor had told her. Instead she nodded when Ryan turned to catch her eye. "But Da had always stressed that gifts like that shouldn’t make us feel good about ourselves. He said that we should be happy with whatever we got from God. So it bothered me a lot to have people make such a fuss over my math abilities. It just seemed wrong, you know?" she asked as she tilted her head and gazed at her partner. Jamie gripped her shoulder and nodded her head again in understanding.

"But even though I had a lot of God-given talent in sports, the biggest reason for my success was because of hard work. I don’t think I’ve ever made it clear just how hard I worked to be good at soccer. I would honestly say that I spent a good three to four hours a day working on my footwork and my passing. I was there for an hour before practice, and I stayed for at least an hour afterward. Since I was a midfielder when I was young, those skills were really important to my game. No matter what season it was, I worked on my soccer skills for at least an hour a day, even when I was actively playing softball or field hockey."

Jamie brushed the hair from her face and said softly, "I don’t think I realized how hard you worked.
I thought it came naturally for you."

"It did," Ryan agreed. "I had talent–and that’s not something you can learn. I also had the body to be good at the sports I played. But the people who succeed are the ones who take their talent and work their asses off. And that’s the part I’m proud of. The scholarship to Cal was based on my efforts, not on my gifts, and to have my coach turn on me and take that away was a hurt that I don’t think I’ll ever get over." She turned onto her stomach and gazed at Jamie with a cold fire of determination in her sapphire eyes. "I’m going to find out what happened today if I have to skin her alive to get her to talk!"

Jamie felt her body jerk backwards as Ryan uttered those words. She had never seen her lover get truly angry, but she was seeing it today. She knew that they would not leave this field without some degree of satisfaction. She just hoped that it came peacefully.

The clinic was winding down, and Coach Ratzinger spent quite a few minutes talking to individual girls and their parents. As the last of the kids drifted away, Ryan got to her feet and pulled Jamie up. Jamie grasped her hand and gazed into her still-fiery eyes as she said, "Do whatever you need to do, Honey. I support you completely."

The gentleness couldn’t stay hidden for long as Ryan’s mouth curled into a sweet smile, "Thank you, Baby. That means a lot."

She strode across the field with a mature, determined gait. Jamie held back a bit to let her get comfortable with the situation, and found herself stopping about 25 feet from Ryan to watch her approach the woman.

Ryan was nearly on top of the coach when she stopped and crossed her arms over her broad chest. The coach had been gathering up her supplies and was bent over at the waist when Ryan approached. She looked up and gasped when she saw the imposing woman looming over her. Everything she had been holding dropped to the ground, and Jamie could detect her fear from 20 feet away.

"H…H…Hello Ryan," she squeaked out as she stood at her full height and gazed up. Even viewed from a distance, Ryan looked imposing to Jamie; she could only imagine how the coach felt. Ryan was at least six inches taller than the coach, and a good 50 pounds heavier, but her size wasn’t where the menace came from. That was clearly from her cold blue steel eyes.

"I am on a quest, Coach Ratzinger," she stated, her eyes locked onto the older woman.

"A…a quest?" she replied, looking very confused.

"Yes, a quest," Ryan informed her. "Some things happened to me during my senior year than almost ruined my life. I believe that you either know who orchestrated those events, or that you personally participated in them."

"M…me?" she asked, wide-eyed. "Why would I do that?"

"Why indeed," Ryan said somberly. "I want to know what you know, Coach. And I want to know now."

"Now?" the coach asked slowly as she looked around, obviously hoping that someone could help her if Ryan attempted to break her in half.

Ryan didn’t reply. Instead, she stood up even taller and narrowed her eyes until they were like blue lasers.

Coach Ratzinger decided that playing dumb wasn’t going to carry the day, so she lowered her eyes to the ground and whispered, "I was afraid."

Jamie had been advancing on the pair slowly, and as she grew near she could see a glimmer of Ryan’s gentleness begin to reappear. Her arms dropped to her sides, and she leaned in toward the coach with a less imposing look on her face. "Afraid of what?" she asked.

As Jamie came closer still, she noted with amazement that Coach Ratzinger was at least 60 years old. From a distance, her trim body and obviously dyed hair made her appear 30 years younger, but her actual age was apparent from her sun-lined face. "I was afraid of losing my job," she said as her face colored in shame. She looked to be on the verge of tears, and it was obvious that Ryan couldn’t keep the pressure on.

"Let’s go over to the school and talk," Ryan suggested, bending to help pick up the dropped gear.

The older woman looked up at Ryan as she stood and said, "Thank you. I could use a chair."

Jamie covered the short distance that separated them, and Ryan slid her arm around her shoulders. "Coach, this is my partner, Jamie."

Jamie’s manners took over, and she extended her hand cordially. The coach’s weak grasp made even Jamie feel some sympathy for her, but it would take a lot more than a sob story to cause her to forgive the woman’s actions if they had been the cause of her partner’s pain.

They walked the two blocks together, the stilted silence putting everyone’s nerves on edge. Trying to ease the tension, Ryan gave the coach a brief update on her life, and informed her that she was finally playing for Cal this year. She also revealed that she had been offered a spot on the soccer team but had turned it down, not going into her reasons for doing so.

When they reached the building, the coach opened the stately doors with her key and led them to a cramped office in the basement. As Ryan and Jamie entered, the coach stood outside and scanned the hall to make sure no one else was present. After she locked the door she spoke in a voice so quiet that both women had to lean in to hear her. "I’m sure this doesn’t help, but I want you to know that I didn’t have a good night’s sleep for over three years for what I did to you, Ryan. I know there is no way to make it up to you, so I won’t even offer. I just want you to know that I thought you were a fine young woman. I…I…I hope you’re happy now in your…uhh…relationship."

"I am," Ryan said in a louder, but still circumspect voice. "I’m very happy with my life, Coach. But I want to know why you ruined my chances to go to Cal."

Her eyes grew wide and she tried to explain, "That wasn’t my intent, Ryan! I know you would have been a great addition to the program at Cal…"

"Coach," Ryan said softly, her gaze intent and unwavering, "the volleyball coach was led to believe that I was emotionally unstable.
You
told him that. I assume you told the other coaches roughly the same story."

The older woman dropped her head into her hands, rubbing them briskly against her face. "I had to tell them something, Ryan," she mumbled. "Every coach at Cal called me to ask why you had dropped off the team. I tried to protect you…I thought I was doing the right thing."

"You thought you were protecting me by telling them that I was emotionally unstable?" Her voice was rising in pitch, and the volume was increasing proportionately.

"I…I…I didn’t want to tell them that you were…gay." She whispered the last word, saying it so quietly that the women had to read her lips. "I didn’t want to ruin your life." She looked so absolutely pathetic that Jamie felt a little sorry for her–but not sorry enough to forgive her.

"You thought," Ryan said carefully, "that revealing that I was gay was a worse thing than telling them that I was emotionally unstable?!" Her breath was coming faster, and she looked like she was about to lose it. Jamie placed her hand on the small of her back, gently stroking her to remind her of her support.

"Once that gets out you can never--ever--get past that, Ryan," she said, earnestly trying to make Ryan see how damaging it could be to have her sexual orientation revealed.

"Coach," Ryan said, her eyes wide in amazement, "I’m out to everyone…and I do mean everyone. I tell everyone in my life, and I have since I was 18. It’s never been a problem for me."

"You do?" the obviously stunned woman mouthed, the words too quiet to be heard.

"Yes. I do. I always have, and I always will." Ryan was quiet for a moment, gazing at the older woman with a strangely compassionate look. "You haven’t ever been able to tell anyone, have you?"

Her tone was so gentle, so accepting, that the shaken woman found her head shaking despite her fear. "No…no one knows," she whispered. As the words left her lips she seemed to almost collapse into herself, and seconds later she was curled into a ball, sobbing roughly.

Before Jamie knew what had happened, Ryan was on her knees in front of the older woman, folding her into her arms. The coach struggled for a moment, then locked her arms around Ryan’s neck and cried like a child.

I will never understand her capacity for forgiveness
, Jamie thought, trying to control her own tears,
but it is one of the most wonderful things about her.

Ryan comforted the older woman as best she could, but it was obvious that her tears had been building for many years and were not going to be whisked away easily. Ryan patted her back gently for a few minutes, then uttered a deep sigh as she slumped back into her chair. Ryan looked very tired–exhausted really, and Jamie realized how very hard this was for her. She made eye contact with her partner and raised an eyebrow, cocking her head towards the door. But Ryan wasn’t finished. She had come to learn the entire story–and she was not going to leave until she did so.

She sat in her chair, looking tired but calm, waiting for the coach to be able to speak again.

After a long while the older woman looked up through her red rimmed eyes, almost surprised that there were two women in her office. She cocked her head slightly, silently asking Ryan what else she wanted of her.

"I think I understand what happened with the coaches at Cal," she began, "but I still don’t understand why you didn’t support me when the other girls came to you. That was such a betrayal, Coach," she said softly, her eyes filling with tears. "Why did you do that to me?"

"I tried, Ryan," she mumbled, shaking her head slowly. "I swear I tried." She looked up at Ryan with a helpless shrug. She was obviously hoping that weak explanation would suffice, but Ryan’s unblinking eyes never left her face. After a long tense moment, she sighed heavily and tried to offer an explanation.

"Tammy Anderson came to me and told me that she and the other girls wanted you kicked off the team. She said that they knew you ‘did something’ to Sara, and they were afraid that you would try something with one of them."

"And…? This is where you tried to help?" Ryan was not giving an inch, obviously not willing to back off.

"Yes," she insisted. "I told Tammy that she was being ridiculous, and that even if what she heard about you and Sara was true, it didn’t have any bearing on the team!"

"Uhh-huh," Ryan murmured, crossing her arms over her chest, a very skeptical look settling on her face. "Then what?"

"Tammy wouldn’t let it drop," she said, looking down at the floor. "She and Cathy Bennett went to see Mother Superior, still demanding that you be thrown off the team."

"Sister Mary Magdalene was behind this?" Ryan’s brow furrowed, finding it hard to believe that the sister who was always so supportive would betray her.

"Not behind it, Ryan," she said. "But she had the entire school to think about. Even though she was very fond of you…"

Ryan jumped to her feet, startling Coach Ratzinger as well as Jamie. The blood was rushing to her face, and Jamie could see a vein in her temple throbbing angrily. "It didn’t matter that she was fond of me! It didn’t matter that you knew I wasn’t a threat to anyone! It didn’t matter that I didn’t do ONE FUCKING THING that I’m ashamed of! All, I repeat, ALL that mattered was keeping the peace…placating the little assholes that would have caused a stink! TELL ME I’M WRONG!" she thundered, her voice so loud that Jamie’s ears hurt. She flopped back down into the padded metal chair, all of the fire extinguished. "Tell me I’m wrong," she murmured weakly, a fragile, wounded look on her face.

As Ryan collapsed, Jamie’s immediate instinct was to continue to rail at the coach, but she knew that this was Ryan’s issue so she tried to control her raging emotions, difficult though it was.

Coach Ratzinger locked eyes with the defeated woman, holding her gaze for a moment. "You’re right, Ryan. It sickens me to admit it, but you’re right." Jamie felt her anger start to swell, but still she held her tongue. The coach muttered, "It’s hard to keep everyone happy, Ryan, but I did the best I could."

That ridiculous excuse finally pushed Jamie over the edge. "HOW COULD YOU???!!" Jamie jumped to her feet, looking like she was going to grab the older woman and shake her senseless. "You nearly destroyed her life just to avoid a little gossip…a little controversy? HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?" Jamie was shaking with anger, heat radiating off her body so profusely that the small room became uncomfortably warm almost immediately.

Ryan slipped her fingers into the back pocket of Jamie’s jeans, gently pulling her back toward her chair. Jamie struggled against her hold, and Ryan was worried that she would have to sit on her to keep her from assaulting the older woman. Seeing Jamie so upset allowed Ryan to calm down a little and she broke the tension by asking, "Did that fact that you were a lesbian have anything to do with this?"

Another heavy sigh preceded the coach’s answer. "Yes…I guess I have to say it did. No one here knows about me, Ryan. No one. But Sister is a perceptive woman, and I think she’s always suspected. She came to me and asked if I could stand having a bright light fall on the program if these girls continued their protest." She shook her head slowly, unable to face either woman. "I was 58 years old, Ryan. I had never made more than $38,000 a year, and my whole future depended on the pension that I would receive. I know that what I did was wrong, but I didn’t know what else to do! If the parents of those girls got involved, there was no way I could stand up to the scrutiny!"

"So you traded Ryan’s future for your own," Jamie snarled, still so angry she was nauseous.

"I didn’t think it would hurt her that badly," the older woman groaned. "Ryan had so much going for her, I just assumed she’d go on to college and put this behind her. I’m still amazed that none of the other schools offered you a scholarship. I didn’t have any idea…"

"I had other offers," Ryan admitted. "I was just too depressed to even think about going anywhere else."

"I had no idea," Coach Ratzinger muttered. "You always seemed so self-confident."

"I was 17," Ryan reminded her. "No one has unshakable confidence at 17."

"I was selfish and afraid," the coach admitted. "I hope that I would have more guts if this were to happen today." She looked down at the ground and added, "But I doubt that I would."

Ryan stood and regarded the woman for a few moments. She nodded to Jamie to indicate she was ready to leave. "It’s over now," she said. "I appreciate that you were honest with me, Coach."