EPIC WIN FOR ANONYMOUS (9 page)

There are hundreds, maybe even thousands, of these things. Any time a major news event occurs centering on a specific person, some /b/tard will inevitably create a Bel-Air meme to commemorate the event.

Know Your Trolls

Now is probably a good time to explore the world of trolls. Trolling is the act of agitating or fooling people for fun under false pretenses. It’s derived from fishing lexicon, in which trolling refers to slowly dragging a baited hook or lure from a moving boat in order to simulate the natural movement of, say, a minnow, in order to trick a fish. The modern definition may also come from the mischievous trolls of European folklore. 4chan didn’t invent Internet trolling, but 4chan attracts trolls like no other community before it.

There are a few types of trolls:

• The Deceiver—Tries to get you to believe something that’s not true.
  
• The Know-nothing—Pretends to be dumb so you waste time explaining something. Uses bad grammar so you take the time to correct him.
  
• The Pottymouth—Uses offensive words to annoy.
  
• The Contrarian—Plays devil’s advocate to an obviously unreasonable perspective.
  
• The Hissy Fit—Throws a fake tantrum so you expend energy convincing him to calm down.
  
• The Accuser—Accuses you of being a troll, knowing you aren’t.
  

The troll is an interesting creature with a long heritage dating back to the trickster characters of ancient mythology. The Greek prankster Pan, the Norse god Loki, and the conniving Native American Coyote are a few older examples. One could argue that even the Biblical Satan primarily exists to troll humanity. The trickster’s mark is all over modern Western popular culture, from Brer Rabbit to Bugs Bunny to Bart Simpson. Trolls pester, poke, and prod until they get what they want: control of your emotions.

I spoke with Ted Frank, legendary Usenet troll, though he’s more famous today as a leading tort reform advocate and founder of the Center for Class Action Fairness.

Frank’s name came up multiple times when I researched the history of trolling. He replied quickly to my request for an interview, but immediately insisted that we define our terms.

Trolling
meant one thing in the small close-knit Usenet community of the 1990s, where it was used to describe innocent pranking of know-it-all Cliff Claven types with subtle disingenuous displays of ironic ignorance—by making the sort of mistakes that could only be made by someone who was actually knowledgeable about the subject, and a close reading of the post would demonstrate that the writer couldn’t possibly be serious about his mistake.

The know-it-all newbie would arrogantly correct the troller (often making a mistake of his own), and everyone would laugh. That was an art form of sorts, but the term also started getting used to describe more malicious provocations. When spam overran Usenet (and Usenet itself became superseded by more sophisticated web forums), there wasn’t really a forum for the innocent version, because the dynamic of new people entering an Internet community changed. Usenet always had a large ratio of experienced posters to newbies.

Frank insists that the relationship between the trolling on 4chan and the trolling on Usenet can be explained as nothing more than an etymological coincidence. The trolling of his day was bitingly clever, with relatively mild pranking. He draws comparisons to comedian Don Novello’s Laszlo Toth letters, in which the entertainer wrote prankish letters to famous businessmen and politicians.

Don Novello would write absurd consumer complaints to starchy corporate customer-relations departments and get ramrod-straight by-the-book letters back that were entirely inappropriate to the original missive.

This sort of trolling isn’t completely without social value in the right context.

It served as an educational tool to newcomers not to be condescending to the regulars. In a larger community where most people are strangers, I doubt it has any social value; when it is done purely to provoke, it has no value at all.

Ted Frank palled around with Dave and Barbara Mikkelsons, who went on to found Snopes, the rumor-debunking site that’s served as a trusted source of obscura for 16 years. The Mikkelsons met on Usenet, developed a relationship based on their shared fascination with urban legends, and eventually married. According to Frank, Dave Mikkelson (“Snopes” on Usenet) was a pro troll, who was known to have called candy companies to complain that their products did nothing to relieve his headaches.

Now, the type of personality that engages in snopes-like trolling is the kind of personality that doesn’t mind going into a room and being told by everyone there that he’s wrong, questions authority, and starts up a snopes.com or a Center for Class Action Fairness, but that’s a different issue.

Today, heinous forms of harassment are lumped in with this clever pranksterism. Usually, trolls on 4chan use a little bit of both. In 2008, Oprah ran a segment on Internet predators. Leading up the show, a /b/tard posted the following message to Oprah’s message board:

We do not forgive. We do not forget. We have OVER 9000 penises and they are all raping children.

Cue disbelieving gasps from the audience. Who knew such evils were lurking in the family computer room? As it turns out, OVER 9000 is an old 4chan meme from the anime
Dragon Ball Z
, in which a character humorously screams the phrase. The quote was an obvious troll to anyone who spent any time on 4chan, but to Oprah’s producers the quote contained the perfect amount of cold-blooded evil for their fear-mongering segment.

Oprah repeated the quote on her show, attributing the quote to a “known pedophile network” that was both organized and systematic. Meanwhile, Anonymous had itself a hearty lol. There are currently hundreds of videos on YouTube making fun of Oprah for the incident. Tricking a celebrity into acknowledging the existence of Anonymous was funny, but doing it under the pretense of a fake army of over nine thousand organized pedophiles was considered an epic win for the trolls. I often wonder if anyone told poor Oprah afterwards that she’d been had.

Troll Heritage

Perhaps the finest example of a pre-Internet troll is the late comedian and entertainer Andy Kaufman, who made a career out of subversive multilayered publicity stunts so convincing that some fans still doubt the authenticity of his 1984 death from kidney failure. Kaufman would concoct elaborate hoaxes and practical jokes. He once appeared on
The Dating Game
as a sweating, stuttering foreign man whose awkward delivery confounded the other participants.

In one highly publicized troll, Kaufman sparred with professional wrestler Jerry Lawler. He claimed to have suffered a neck injury and wore a neck brace wherever he went, including a legendary on-air fight with Lawler on the set of
Late Night with David Letterman.
Not even his close comedian buddies knew for sure if the neck brace was worn genuinely. Kaufman’s feud with Lawler was later revealed to be 100 percent staged.

Kaufman’s jokes were often on his audience. He delighted in messing with people’s heads. He once read
The Great Gatsby
aloud to an audience expecting standup. At first they laughed, but he refused to stop, even as they booed and left the auditorium.

Check the monologue from
I’m From Hollywood
, a documentary which included a promotional video Kaufman made to rile up Southern wrestling fans.

I want to talk to you. And I want to help you. Every week I’m going to be coming here, on this station. And I’m going to be giving you little tips about how you can better your lives. And how I can bring you up from the level you’re in right now. And how I can bring you up from the squalor that you’re living in, in the gutter, and the garbage that your lives are.

This is a bar of soap. Now, does it look familiar to any of you? I know that you probably don’t know what this is and probably you don’t have ever seen one of these before. But it is called soap. Matter of fact, if you’re sitting at home now, you can maybe repeat after me and say: “Soap.” Say “soap.” S-O-A-P, soap. Not “sowp.” Not “say-owp.” It’s “soap.” okay?

You people, your hands are so greasy and slimy. I mean, I don’t wanna shake ‘em. You ask me for an autograph, I’ll sign you an autograph. But please, don’t put out your hand and shake it until you can wash your hands. That is what you do: Wet your hands, okay, then wet the soap. Wash the soap, rub it on your hands, rub it around and your hands will get clean.

The video continues with Kaufman condescendingly instructing his audience in basic hygiene, intercut with reaction footage of enraged Southern good ol’ boys claiming, “If I saw ‘im right now I’d kick ‘is ass!” During his wrestling matches, thousands would shriek for Andy’s head on a platter. And the footage shows he’s loving every minute of it.

In the same documentary, comedian Robin Williams declares, “Andy made himself the premise and the entire world was the punchline.”

If Andy Kaufman is a spiritual ancestor of /b/’s penchant for outlandish stunts, then alternative rock stalwart Steve Albini plays godfather to the site’s more subdued smartass. I mean, the guy had a band called Rapeman, which provoked picket lines and news crews crowding the band’s small indie rock gigs.

In an interview with Adam Dolgins, author of
Rock Names
, Albini clarifies that he discovered an obscure Japanese comic book featuring a hero called Rapeman, who rapes women who’ve wronged his clients. Albini writes songs about serial killers, wife beaters, and gruesome executions. His first band, Big Black, had an EP named after Budd Dwyer, a Pennsylvania politician who shot himself in the mouth on live TV. Very /b/.

What interests me the most about Steve Albini’s dark brand of trolling is that he’s operating within the realm of rock and roll, which is supposed to shock and offend . . . parents. Albini takes it a step further. He wants to mess with feminist studies students and went straight for the throats of liberal progressives and the alt-rock elite, calling universally revered bands tedious, for example.
Very
/b/.

Now, imagine a world full of millions of would-be Andy Kaufmans and Steve Albinis loosely working together. Only these trolls are all faceless, with no reputations to protect and nothing on the line. That’s the environment in which I’m about to expose my identity.

Here goes nothing.

Are You There /b/? It’s Me, Cole

My publisher recently posted a page about my book with a cover mockup on the site, so I’m able to give 4chan a teaser. I type out a simple message.

Oh hai /b/,

What do we think of this?

I type out the CAPTCHA (an authentication process instituted by moot to limit SPAM that made /b/ practically unreadable for a while in 2010) and exhale. Click.

Nothing.

I hit refresh. One response:

That it’s a book

Refresh again.

Awww shit!

seems legit

who the fuck cares? Somebody wrote a book about 4chan. This isn’t a secret underground organization.

Of course, it’ll be distributed threw BitTorrent right?

Oh fuck me. I hate this little cunt.

I make a follow-up post, unlikely to be believed. “I’m writing a book about you. What do you think about that?”

That’s pretty cool, OP.

We think you’re asking for more trouble than it’s worth. Seriously.

Rule 1 and 2. you will die soon

OP, kindly an hero [that is, kill yourself] immediately. As if anyone gives a fuck other than cancerous summerfags [also called noobs] like you

I’d love to help you out with the book in any way, writing it or just online distibution/marketing, or design. Willing to get some help?

OP, are you ready for the potential shitstorm aimed at you?

Cool story, bro.

The thread continues with various empty threats, insults, and a few surprisingly sincere optimists who tell me they can’t wait to read the book. One person Photoshops a pirate mustache onto my face and posts it. Another writes:

Don’t publish your book, you faggot. You probably suck at writing and are trying to scrounge money together because you know you’ll never have an actual job because you majored in journalism. Your days are numbered, Cole.

The thread continues, devolving into a loose argument about whether 4chan is worth writing a book about. Soon, someone posts an inappropriately graffitied photo of me, yanked from my personal blog. Time will tell if the /b/tards actually try to find out where I live or target me in any way. Probably not, but I’m not going to go any further out of my way to invite harassment.