Eternal (Eternal series) (32 page)

He stared out the windshield at the emptiness of the darkened world that was flying by him in a blur.  In his heart he knew that wasn’t the answer.  He longed for her.  He couldn’t even see other girls anymore.  If she didn’t love him, if she…loved someone else, then he would have to leave.  He couldn’t be around her knowing that he could never have her.  It would destroy him.

Destry looked up at the full moon that hung in the sky like an all-seeing-eye and wondered if he should just go back home, to Nebraska and get some distance from the whole situation.  Then he noticed where he was. 

His truck was coasting slowly down the dirt road that led to Emma's house.  He could see it ahead of him in the dim light of the moon's rays like it had a spotlight shining down on it straight from heaven. 

Destry looked at the little house and thought of the girl inside, and to his dismay, he felt like he
was
home.

Chapter 26:  MONSTER

As Nathan McQuade sat at the breakfast table the next morning, he couldn't help but notice that there was something wrong with his son. 

Breakfast was the only meal they got to eat together.  Usually Destry was more chipper than this and passed the time filling his Dad in on the events from the previous day and his plans for today, but not this morning. 

Destry sat with a bowl of cereal in front of him, staring at the table like he didn't see or hear anything going on around him.

"Are you doin' okay today son?" Nathan asked, noticing that Destry's eyes looked bloodshot with dark circles underneath.  "Didn't you get any sleep last night?  You look terrible. You're not sick are you?"

"No, I was up thinking most of the night," Destry answered, not looking up from the table.

"What were you thinking about?" Nathan asked feeling concerned.

"I was thinking...that after graduation, maybe I should go back to Nebraska.  Grandpa and Grandma could use my help on the farm for the summer, maybe longer."  There was no emotion in Destry's voice, he sounded drained of any feeling.

Nathan was shocked at this revelation.  Destry had seemed happy here in Eden and had never talked about going back to Nebraska before today. 

"But I'm here," his dad said with confusion.   "I can't take time off this soon after starting a new job.  We're a family; we're supposed to stick together.  Why would you want to leave?  I thought you liked it here?"

"I don't belong here dad, besides you'd be fine without me for a while, it's not like we see each other that much anyway," Destry said stiffly, and watched his dad flinch out of the corner of his eye.  He felt bad for adding that last part— it had been a low blow—his dad always spent any extra second he had with him.

"I'm sorry Destry, I...."

"No dad, I'm sorry, this doesn't have anything to do with you.  I shouldn't have said that." Destry looked up at his dad for the first time.  "I just need to get away from here for a while and clear my head, weigh my options, figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life."

There was a long silence.  "I don't want you to go,” Nathan finally said, “but if that's what you feel like you need to do, I won't stop you."

"Nothing's decided yet dad, I was just thinking about it, that's all," Destry said, hoping to ease the sadness in his father's face.  "I've got to get to school, I'll see ya later okay?"

"Yeah, have a good day son," Nathan said with a distant voice.  Now he was the one left staring at the table.

As Destry walked out the door to his truck, he was still at war with himself.  He couldn’t decide if he wanted to go to school and take the chance of seeing Emma or not. 

He wanted to see her, but he didn’t want to see her.  The feelings were all jumbled up in his mind.

He wanted to see her, to see if she was okay, to see if she’d come to her senses and changed her mind, to see her face instead of being haunted by it every time he closed his eyes. 

But at the same time, he didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to remember the hole that she had put through his chest, didn’t want to see her and ache to be near her when he couldn’t.  He didn’t want to remember kissing her if he could never do it again.

He'd kissed her only once and it had made him crazy.  He wanted to feel her against him again, to smell her skin, to kiss her and never have to stop.  The possibility of that never happening again felt like hot wax being poured down his throat, burning him from the inside out. 

He'd laid everything out there, told her exactly how he felt, told her he loved her, and she'd still just walked away.  Maybe it didn't matter how much you loved someone, he thought, there was nothing you could do to make them love you back.

In the end all he could do was just climb in his truck and start driving and let fate lead him to where he needed to go.



That morning Emma slept in late despite the sunlight streaming through her window.  She had slept fitfully last night—when she'd slept at all—she'd been plagued by bad dreams again and a dull ache in her chest. 

Thankfully her mom had gone to work early and she was on her own to get ready for school.  She was in no condition to leave the house though.  Her red, bloodshot eyes made her look like a zombie. 

That comparison probably wasn’t far from the truth.  She was some kind of a monster.  She had to be, to hurt someone like that after leading him along, and letting him get close to her.  Just close enough to squash him completely. 

Emma knew she didn’t deserve someone like him.  And he definitely deserved a lot better than her.

Emma drug herself out of bed around noon.  She couldn’t lie there any longer.  The disturbing image of Destry’s face played over and over in her guilt racked mind. She needed to get out of the house. 

She got dressed and splashed cold water on her face, hoping it would help her puffy eyes.  She brushed her teeth and combed through her tangled hair.  Emma finally brushed powder on her cheeks and put on some lip gloss, hoping to cover up the bereft look that she couldn’t seem to get rid of. 

It was no use.  The makeup and cool water had helped her outward appearance, but on the inside she was still a train wreck.  Emma needed something to calm her, and make her feel safe again.

As she stepped through the door of the barn, Emma waited for the wave of comfort this place usually gave her to come and take away the sting inside her chest.  All that came were more questions.  What was she going to do now?  Would she have to miss the last week of school? 

Emma didn’t think she could risk seeing Destry again, and having to explain things further.  Would he understand if she did explain?  She'd tried to tell him. Emma felt like she might have been able to make him understand, make him believe, but her heart had gotten in the way.

Destry probably hated her now, but it was no less than what she deserved.  She'd hurt him, after he had opened up to her and trusted her with his true feelings. 

Emma felt like she was an evil person.  She didn’t deserve an angel, and she certainly didn’t deserve Destry— he was more than an angel.  He was good in a world that was bad.

Emma slid down onto the cold floor and tried to stop the sobs that were erupting from her gut.  She tried to concentrate on breathing slowly, in and out, in and out. 

It was in that moment of her deepest despair, that she felt the air around her swirl and shimmer, but she couldn’t pull herself far enough out of the darkness of her own depression to even care.

“Emma?” Micah's voice was careful, but obviously full of concern.

Emma finally drew on her last bit of strength and looked up to see his perfect, glowing figure, standing above her.  His eyes were questioning and worry creased his brow. 

Emma still hadn’t gathered her sanity enough to be able to talk, so she buried her head in her arms, and rested them on her knees.  She continued her breathing, hoping to be able to recover herself enough to answer. 

She was humiliated, having him see her like this, but she had no hope of pulling herself together for his sake.  Emma wondered what Micah must think of this disheveled mess on the floor that only slightly resembled her?

“Are you okay?”  His worried voice was smooth and warm, but it reminded Emma, that Destry had asked her that same question last night and that almost pushed her over the edge again. 

She called upon every ounce of her strength to hold back the surge of tears, and look into his face.  She could see into the depths of his eyes, an unfathomable depth, like looking into eternity.

Emma couldn’t believe that after all she'd been through last night with Destry; she still ached to be near Micah.  He was perfection, he was warmth and comfort.  She wasn’t worthy to be in his presence, she was a bad person.

“
I’m fine,” she finally said, but it came out as a whisper.

“
You don’t look fine,” Micah stated firmly, “tell me what happened.”

“
I don’t think I want to,” Emma muttered.

“
I think I could help, if I knew what was wrong.”

“
I’m beyond help.”

“
You’re never beyond help Emma.  Please… tell me,” he said calmly.

Emma wanted to be able to talk to someone, but she was afraid that admitting what she had done might push Micah away too, that he would call interference again and vanish from her life forever. 

Emma didn’t want to risk it, she'd already pushed Destry out, and the pain of that was about to crush her into oblivion.  If she drove Micah away too, what would she be left with?

“
Do you want me to leave?”  Micah interrupted Emma's thoughts when she didn’t answer.

“
No,” she said quietly.  “Actually, I’m afraid that you might leave if I tell you the truth.”

“
I won’t leave you Emma.  I promised I’d be here when you needed me. There’s nothing you can say or do that could change that.”

“
I’m not so sure,” she argued.

“
If you don’t want to tell me, I can’t make you.  But don’t keep it from me because you fear my reaction.  I could never be angry with you Emma, I’m here to help you, it’s in my job description, remember?”  Micah smiled softly, and Emma's fears slowly began to subside. 

Maybe she could trust him with this.  Maybe he was the only one she could trust with it.

“I had to hurt Destry last night,” Emma said with shame.

“
And why did you have to do that?”  Emma could tell that Micah was trying his best to be objective, but she could hear both guilt and disappointment in his voice.

“
Because we want different things,” she said simply.

“
That doesn’t sound like something that would hurt him badly enough to cause you this much pain.”

“
I had to tell him to stay away from me, that we can’t be together,” Emma finally admitted.

“
Why can’t you?”

“
Because, I….I mean, I’m …” Emma was suddenly perplexed by his question, and she was beginning to boil inside. 

Keeping Destry away was bad enough, and the fact that Micah couldn’t understand any reason for it made her angry. 

She wanted to tell him that he was the reason, tell him that she thought he'd made it clear that
they
were supposed to be together, and in that scenario there was no room for anyone else.  Had she misinterpreted what he’d said—destroyed Destry for no reason?

“
I don’t understand Emma, I thought you and Destry were getting along.  You’ve been spending a lot of time together the last few weeks.  I was under the impression that you liked him.”

“
I do like him Micah, that’s the problem!” Emma almost shouted the words.

“
I don’t see the problem in that,” he said flatly.

“
Are you serious?!  You don’t see a problem with that?”  Emma quickly got to her feet, she was furious, consumed with more anger than she thought she could hold in her entire being. 

She was in love with Destry McQuade, and he was in love with her.  He believed they were meant to be together, that they had some special bond, and although Emma was trying with her whole being, she couldn’t doubt his belief.  He had kissed her and her life had flashed before her eyes, and Destry had been the most important thing in it.

But Emma had been led to believe she had an eternal connection with an angel.  That Micah was her actual destiny, and not Destry.  She was being true to this belief when she had pushed Destry out of her life for good even though it was cutting her in half, and Micah didn’t see the problem!

“
You need to calm down Emma,”
Micah said firmly.

“
Calm down?  You want me to calm down?”

“
Yes, I do.” 

His stance was firm, and he had his arms folded across his chest, he looked majestic, commanding, and a bit terrifying; closer to a destroying angel in that moment than a guardian angel.