even if i am. (23 page)

“I don’t think it will work.” I said the words clearly, as if you weren’t hearing me. There was no way it was going to work. I wouldn’t let it.

You leaned against the counter so you could look me in the eyes. “I want to live with you. Period. And if it can’t be here, then it should be somewhere else. Can we at least a try it here?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Let’s sleep on it,” I said, meaning
let’s forget it
.

chapter thirty-eight

a song on the radio

From:
[email protected]
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Tuesday, March 14, 1:45 p.m.
Subject:
forget

sometimes I forget:

I get too overwhelmed with work,

or personal to-do’s.

I get so preoccupied by phone calls,

lost in e-mails,

that I forget to listen to a song you sent.

so this morning,

sitting on my desktop was

“Orange Sky.”

I shut my door (I should do that more often)

just sat at my desk and listened…

it took me back to the beginning

of our relationship

of sending songs

long e-mails

hopes

fears

dreams,

and it made me realize

that although I tell you every day

I don’t think you understand…

just how much

I love you.

just how proud I am

to be a part of you.

every day I am amazed by your strength,

inspired by your courage,

and thankful for your love.

today

tomorrow

and every day…

I LOVE YOU.

I lost myself. I did it with every boyfriend, especially with Five Year. He took little pieces of me, tiny pieces, so small I didn’t notice it at first. Until I had a hole in me, this big fat hole of lost-ness, of confusion, of self-obscurity. That’s what I do. I intertwine my life with someone else’s — much more than necessary, until I blend in like a chameleon. When you asked me to move in, I was standing on my own two feet, not leaning on someone else, not trying to fill shoes, not blending in. I stood my ground, I didn’t compromise. And now, we were looking for a place of our own.

…

“Honey.”

“Yeah?” I set my earrings on the dresser, turned around.

“I want to introduce an idea to you. Now, just hear me out before you draw any conclusions.”

“Um, okay?”

“Don’t wash your jeans after wearing them just once, give it a little time. Wear them twice and see how you like it. Honestly, it’ll grow on you. I know it’ll grow on me because I won’t be seeing four pairs of jeans in the laundry every three days.”

I took off my jeans and threw them in the hamper. “Now who’s wearing the pants in the family?”

You tackled me into bed, howling with laughter.

From:
[email protected]
To:
mother
To:
stepfather
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Tuesday, March 21, 1:57 p.m.
Subject:
update

hello again,

chemo went well.

oncologist wants me to have a scan in ten days.

curious to see how those results come back.

hoping for the best.

called USC to check their availability for appointments.

dr. heinz lenz sees patients on mondays and thursdays,

and is available from april 3
rd
and later.

hope all is well

love

a.

From:
stepfather
To:
mother
To:
[email protected]
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Tuesday, March 21, 1:57 p.m.
Subject:
Re: update

Hi, Anth and Chas. Glad things are going well. Next, find the house! It will be so calming and simplifying to have your own place, spare Chas her exhausted, cross-LA commutes, give Gladys company more of the time, and generally bring peace in the kingdom. Might even help you eat better, Anthony.

Regarding the appointments, I have a definite preference for Monday, April 10, for the Lenz appointment. April 3 is the BIG meeting of our Rector Search Committee, to hear and evaluate site visits to the parishes of our final four rector candidates, and decide who to invite to Washington. April 7, Thursday, is my final session of the year with my medical students. I could come out Sunday, April 9, be there for the UCLA appointment Monday, and be there for a lawyer Monday or Tuesday, and then return. We have enough lawyers on the list I sent you that somebody should be available April 10 or 11. The ones in your mother’s handwriting at the bottom of the page were cited more than once, and would be the ones I would call first. If you have misplaced the list, let me know and I will send it again.

After Easter, I will have midweek visits with final rector candidates to Washington for three consecutive weeks, two days each: meet whole Search Committee, meet Vestry, meet the Bishop, spouse coming also. Hope the scheduling works for you.

Spring is here in Washington, even though it has been chilly the last few days. The forsythia are strongly blooming, daffodils and crocuses are up, the redbud and plum trees and magnolias are in full bloom. Some cherries in sunny places are beginning to come out. And when you drive past wooded areas, the flash of young, green leaves can be seen. It makes the blood pump a little faster. Soon we will be getting out our bikes and going for rides on the weekend.

Be well. Here’s a warm cyber-hug. I hope we can make the schedule work and that I’ll be seeing you soon.

Much love,

Dad

Looking for an affordable rental in Venice, California was as painful as a bleeding ulcer. No, make that bubbly, bleeding, heart-wrenching ulcers. It’s not my fault you picked one of the most expensive areas in Los Angeles. I still don’t understand what was so wrong with living in Hollywood, closer to work — but, it was your choice. You got to decide. I know, I know “the westside is the best side,” but it’s so expensive. How landlords can charge twenty-six hundred dollars for a one bedroom is beyond me. People even rent airstreams parked in their backyards, converted garages with no bathrooms and bachelors without kitchens.

It was us against dozens of other couples, families, singles — all of California — looking for a cheap, affordable rental in Venice. We became pathetic. We sent pictures of us as a perfect couple with the application. Practically begged to the landlord during each walk through.

One of our many self-photographed date nights.

We found one. It was ideal, charming, and four blocks from the beach. We imagined our days in the house, cooking dinners in the kitchen, movie nights on the couch under the picture window. Our application, denied. We found another one, equally charming. Imagined our days. Denied. Ulcer. Rented to a couple without a pet.
Damn you, Gladys.
She was getting an ulcer, too. We tried so hard to stay optimistic.

“It wasn’t meant to be.” Optimism never suited me, though.

Then we found it. Glencoe. It had stencils of fairies on the kitchen cabinets and stenciled ivy over each doorway. When we arrived I went straight to the gardened backyard, stood under the Chinese Elm; Gladys came with and pooped on the grass. Her and I both turned to you. “I think we’re home.”

This was our home.

And this was our garden.

—
Forwarded Message to [email protected]
From:
[email protected]
To:
mother
To:
stepfather
Sent:
Tuesday, March 28, 11:27 a.m.
Subject:
layer status

hey guys,

yesterday i called the lawyers at the bottom of the list with some small success. mostly they told me my case wasn’t the type they normally handled, but i have yet to speak with some of the names, and i did get some clues that this type of case may be an ERISA claim case, in which specific lawyers would be required who handle those types of cases. should get a few more calls back today and will use that information to help figure out where we stand.

therefore, we’re still in a holding pattern on deciding when to book the flight and make the appointment at USC. i will write or call later today when i have some more info on that front.

in other news it seems that chas and i may get the house we’ve been pining over. at first it seemed as if gladys might be the deal-breaker, they had just redone their hardwood floors and didn’t want a dog living in the house. after explaining gladys’s demeanor, and taking full responsibility for her, and pushing and pushing, they seem to have come around. should get the final word today. if so, we’ll be able to move in may 1
st
, just in time for our visitors.

talk soon.

—
Forwarded Message to [email protected]
From:
mother
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Tuesday, March 28, 2:45 p.m.
Subject:
Re: layer status

When you talk to the lawyers, are you asking for coverage of your surgery? Or are you stating your case regarding failure to diagnose?

Holding my breath about the house!

From:
stepfather
To:
[email protected]
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Wednesday, March 29, 6:50 a.m.
Subject:
Re: lawyer status

Now that I have had a night’s sleep, here’s further response to your last e-mail. There are two types of actions that may be getting confused. One is to sue the health plan for costs they should properly pay and have denied. That requires that all regular appeals have been exhausted, and is for the amount of the denied benefits, plus costs. Lawyers make a fee but not a bundle on these, and usually do not take the case on contingency.

The other is to claim malpractice for failure to diagnose. Both the primary physician and the health plan can be named. The amount can be huge (five million). Lawyers typically take these on contingency. They pay all the costs, but if the suit wins, they get a third of the award (a bundle). They don’t win them all, but the ones they win make them rich. Records can be obtained by subpoena, and expert witnesses will be required to testify about failure to achieve the standard of medical care. If the defendants are scared, they may settle without a trial. If the lawyer doesn’t think the case is strong, he/she generally won’t take it. If there is a trial, it is usually with a jury, which is often sympathetic if the patient can show significant injury. A particular doctor needs to be named as having been guilty of the malpractice.