Evergreen (58 page)

“No, I never want to see Europe again,” Theo said. “I lost my family there.”

“I understand,” Paul answered. He paused for a moment.
“Then perhaps you ought to see Israel. It is, after all, the remedy for the sickness that attacked in Europe.”

“Have you been there yet?” Theo asked.

Words took shape in Anna’s mouth:
Why, he was one of the movers who created Israel!
Startled, she thought: What if I had blurted that out loud?

“Many, many times,” Paul told Theo. “Both before the state was founded and since then too.” He smiled. “I recommend a visit, especially to you.”

“When the children are older,” Iris said, “perhaps well go then. My father has done a lot too, not on the scene, but raising funds. We all feel very involved.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Paul responded.

He said to himself, She’s prettier than I expected. It must be the marriage that’s turned the trick. She’s certainly poised, and speaks so well! And those enormous, brilliant eyes! Anna hasn’t said a word. I shouldn’t have shocked her like this. She’s a good actress, though; you wouldn’t think there was a thing going on. Come to think of it, I’m a pretty fine actor myself; my heart’s in my mouth, but nobody knows it. Except Anna. She knows it.

“Why aren’t you young people dancing?” Joseph asked. “Go ahead, don’t mind us!”

Iris stood up with Theo. That man and Mama, she was thinking. That man. Doesn’t Papa see anything?

A moment later Malone came over. “Mr. Hicks would like to see us both,” he told Joseph. “He’s in the office.”

When Joseph had excused himself and all the others at the table had got up to dance, Anna and Paul were left alone.

Then for the first time he looked at her. “Fifteen years, Anna,” he said at last.

“Oh, Paul, you should at least have warned me—”

“I know. It was thoughtless. But forgive me. A man’s entitled to one lapse.”

She didn’t reply. The heat in her neck was suffocating.

“When I read about this in the paper I knew you would be here. I hoped she might be here, too.”

“What do you think of her?”

“She’s lovely, and different. Complicated, also, with a lot held back. And I have a feeling she’s curious about me.”

“What do you mean?” Anna asked quickly.

Paul hesitated. “Nothing precise. It’s just a feeling I have about her feeling.”

“She’s made a fine marriage. It’s been good for her.”

“I knew. I saw the announcement.”

“It’s a marriage your mother would have approved. Socially, I mean.”

“That’s hitting below the belt, isn’t it, Anna?”

“Perhaps it is.” Yes, it was. But she couldn’t resist. “Theo comes from a very distinguished family in Vienna—or they were, before they were wiped out. Distinguished and rich. He was educated at Cambridge and—”

“Fine. I’m sufficiently impressed. What kind of a man is he?”

“A wonderful, good man. And they’re happy together.”

“So you’re not worried anymore.”

“Well, I do feel that Iris is on her feet, and that’s probably added a few years to my life!”

“And there are three children.”

“Yes, two boys, very bright, especially the elder one, Steve. He’s a bit of a problem, he’s so advanced. The girl, Laura, is an angel, a healthy, good-hearted child.” Anna stopped. Paul’s face had simply closed, that subtle, tense, patrician face. And she knew that her recital, although he had asked for it, had touched a deep, wounded place.

“Go on,” he said.

“Go on?”

“Yes. Tell me everything that has happened. Fill in the fifteen years.”

She could have wept for him. “Well,” she resumed, “well, one beautiful thing did happen. Eric came back to us five years ago. He’s going on eighteen now.”

“Eric?”

“Maury’s son.”

“I’m glad for you, Anna. And for Joseph. You know,”
Paul said ruefully, “one has to like Joseph. I have very jumbled feelings tonight.”

“Mine are pretty mixed up, too.” Anna’s lips quivered suddenly.

Paul looked away. “Anna, dearest, I’m upsetting you. It isn’t fair to do this to you here.”

“No.”

He looked out over the dancers, changing the subject. “Who’s that Iris is dancing with?” For Iris and Theo had switched partners.

“One of the Malone sons.”

“He’s a handsome specimen.”

“All the Malones are ‘specimens.’ One more healthy and handsome than the next.”

“You’d have liked a lot of children, wouldn’t you?”

“Oh,” she said softly.

“You deserved to have them. It doesn’t seem like too much for a woman to ask.”

“Who is to say what’s too much, Paul?”

He made no answer. For just an instant she had the strangest sensation of unreality: it was impossible that they should be sitting here together! She knew nothing about him, after all these intervening years, and yet he was Paul; she knew him well and dearly. Now suddenly she needed to know everything, to fill in, as he had said, the fifteen years.

“What are you seeing in the air, Anna? You’re a thousand miles away.”

“No, I’m right here, thinking about you. I’m trying to imagine your life and I can’t see beyond offices, ships and airplanes: you rushing here, going there. That’s all I see and I want more.”

“Well, but that’s pretty much the way it is. I go wherever I want. Last year I needed a vacation, so I went to Morocco and through the Atlas Mountains. It was fascinating.”

“That’s still not telling me anything about
you.”

“Oh,” he said somberly, “I’ve just been dodging, haven’t
I? All right, then. Here it is.” Roughly he stabbed the fresh cigarette into the ashtray. “My wife and I … there’s nothing particularly wrong between us and nothing particularly right, either. Her family’s in Palm Beach. She spends most of her time there. I hate the place, so I’m rarely there. I work and I like my work. I have women wherever I go and whenever I need them. But they don’t mean anything.” He looked up. “I can’t get you out of my mind, Anna.”

“It hurts. It hurts me that you’re unhappy,” she said softly.

He lit another cigarette, cleared his throat as if it were tight, and went on, “I suppose I could be philosophical and ask you back, as you’ve often asked me, What is ‘happiness’ anyway? And whatever it is, why do we think were entitled to it? All that sort of talk, in which, incidentally, there’s a good deal of sense. The fact is, Anna, I really don’t know. I’m confused. I’m guilty and I’m angry, although I don’t know at whom. At the fates, perhaps? Or at myself? I should think that after all these years I could forget you—”

“I know,” she murmured.

“Do you remember our last time? At the beach house?”

“I remember. We were still young and—”

“But you’re young now. You always will be.” He leaned forward. “Do you know a crazy thing? I still have hopes that someday, in some way, you and I—”

“Please,” Anna interrupted with alarm. “Don’t look at me like that. Iris is watching.”

Paul leaned back and Anna poured another cup of coffee, which she did not want. But it was something to do with her trembling hands.

“I wish,” she began to say, when the music stopped short.

Theo and Iris came back to the table. Then Joseph returned with Malone. There were a few pleasantries. Paul walked away. It was over.

*  *  *

“My goodness, Mama,” Iris remarked curiously, while they were riding home, “you looked so serious, you and Mr. Werner! I couldn’t help seeing you. What on earth were you talking about?”

The partial truth came easily. “I’m sorry to say I was telling him about Maury and Eric. And I’m afraid I may have gotten somewhat emotional.”

“That’s understandable, God knows,” Joseph said. He sighed heavily, then brightened. “He seems to be a nice enough chap, that Werner. To tell the truth, I always pictured him as kind of a snob, but he isn’t, is he?”

“I don’t think so,” Anna said.

“Funny how he and I met, after all these years.”

“Yes, very.”

It was late when they reached home. Joseph went to the refrigerator. “I’m going to make myself a sandwich. Food’s always lousy at those affairs. Want one, Anna?”

“No, thanks.” She went outside to the terrace. The night was cool and fresh. It smelled of wet earth. There were millions and millions of stars in a clear, limpid sky. Beautiful, so beautiful! And such a sadness at the heart of it! That marvelous order which held the stars where they were and moved them so predictably, while human life was just—just confusion!

All chance. Where you were born, when, and to whom. Whom you met and married. All chance.

“What are you doing, standing out there?” Joseph called. “You’ll catch a cold!”

“Just looking at the sky,” Anna said, coming indoors.

“You and your stars! You should have been an astronomer. Come up to bed.”

“So,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed while he took off his shoes, “so I met the great financier.”

She ought really to show a normal interest. “Is he truly a great financier?”

“Well, it’s a small private banking house, no Morgan, but a power, all the same. Very well run. And what do you think? He told Malone they’d be glad to consider an application
from us to underwrite our Florida project. Eight million dollars’ worth!”

“That much?”

“Of course! What did you think? It’s one of the biggest projects on the East Coast!”

Anna looked up. His eyes were shining. “You know, Anna, I couldn’t help thinking of that first loan, with us coming, hat in hand, for two thousand dollars. And today that same man is eager to do business with me in the millions! It’s kind of unbelievable, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Yes, it is.”

“Werner must have been thinking of it, too. But of course he wouldn’t mention it. He’s a gentleman, no question.”

“And are you going to deal with Werner’s bank?”

“No, Malone told him were practically signed up elsewhere. But I got kind of a kick out of it, all the same.”

The shoes dropped to the floor with a bang. “Imagine, three, maybe four generations in the business! Boy, that’s the way to do it! Pick the right grandfather, that’s all you need, hey? We didn’t do it right, did we, Anna? Still,” Joseph went on gaily, “I’m steaming ahead under my own power! Yes, I believe our grandchildren will be able to say they picked the right grandfather.”

In sudden panic, Anna ran to him. She put her arms out, held to him tightly. Ah, love me! Don’t let me do anything crazy that will ruin us all! Even if I should ever want to, don’t let me!

He kissed her. “You looked beautiful tonight, Anna. I was so proud of you, you can’t know how proud! Why, what’s the matter? You’re not crying?”

“Not really. Only a few tears. Because everything is just the way I want it to be, with Eric here and Iris’ babies only ten minutes away. And I’m so afraid it won’t stay like this.”

“But you’ve always been an optimist! What’s got into you?” And Joseph laughed. He shrugged and spread his hands out to the universe, in a gesture left over from childhood.
“Everything is so good, and she worries, she cries! No wonder a man can never understand a woman!”

Anna went to the lobby during the last intermission. The opera house was filled with women, for the ladies’ hospital guild had taken a huge block of seats and sold them all. Pleased with success, she walked down the corridor to the water fountain.

“Anna,” someone said.

Even before she looked around, she knew who it was. He was standing against the wall as if he had been afraid to startle her by coming forward. “Don’t be angry with me, will you?”

“I’m not angry! But I am scared. Paul, you shouldn’t have.”

“It’s the only possible way I could think of to see you. We couldn’t really talk at that dinner.”

“We can’t really talk here.”

“Afterward, then. Let’s go somewhere afterward.”

“I can’t. I have to go home, Paul.”

“Well, when?”

“I’m afraid,” Anna said. “If I see you again, something will happen.”

“Maybe. I don’t think so.”

She stared at him. His gravity reminded her of Iris in that lonely time before Theo came. She put her hand on his arm and they stood there, barely touching, just looking, looking—

“If I believed in reincarnation, Anna, I would say that in some past century I had had you and lost you, and that I’ve been searching for you ever since.”

A woman, coming from the fountain, gave them a frank stare, having perhaps caught their last words or sensed, as it is possible to do, the dense emotion that lay between them.

If I had had to see him every day all this time, Anna was thinking, who knows what might have happened? For all my strong belief in permanence and stable trust? Twenty
times one would refuse to go away with a man, yet perhaps the twenty-first time, one wouldn’t refuse. And in sudden terror she thought: Can any human being be that sure of his will? Chemistry! Only a modern term for the enchantment, the pull between the sexes, the lure against all prudence, all—

Chemistry!

Paul’s expression was very tender. “You still glow. That brightness you had when you were a young girl—it’s never been put out, has it? In spite of everything.”

She felt a small, cutting pain. “I’ve been so torn, for so long. I wish I could feel whole!”

The bell sounded for the last act. People began moving back inside, brushing against them as they stood by the wall.

Paul grasped her arm. “I understand what you mean. I won’t tear your family’s life apart. Nor hurt Joseph. Or my daughter. Do you think I would hurt Ms? Trust me. But we must see each other again.”

“I’ll have lunch with you.”

“Tell me what time and—”

Two large ladies in “afternoon” dresses and droopy furs bore down on Anna, one of them shrilling gaily, “We’ve been hunting for you everywhere! Hurry, the curtain’s going up in a minute!” And she was led back between them into a chattering group of friends, without a chance for another word.

Paul stood an instant looking wildly after her, as if he would pursue her. Then, with a small despairing shrug, he gave up and walked rapidly away.

The departing crowd pushed Anna outward through the main door. As had been arranged, Joseph was waiting.