Every Boy's Got One (3 page)

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: I’m going to kill you

Yes. And stop emailing me, Holly keeps asking who I’m writing to. I told her it was the hospital, and now she’s mad that the hospital is emailing me when I’m supposed to be eloping.

Mark

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: I’m going to kill you

How would the hospital even know that, anyway? The word elope means to run away with a lover with the intention of wedding in secret. How secret is your wedding going to be if the hospital knows about it?

C

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: I’m going to kill you

I had to tell the hospital I was getting married.
And
the paper. They weren’t going to give the time off, or let me out of my column, otherwise. DON’T TELL Holly. She still thinks the only people who know what we’re really doing are the four of us.

And of course the entire art department at the
New York Journal
. But she doesn’t know that I know that.

Mark

PS Quit writing to me. I’m turning this thing off.

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: You Dog

Your secret’s safe with me.

But seriously. Is this girl one of those cat people? For the love of God please tell me I’m not going to be stuck in a middle seat in coach next to one of those cat people. She doesn’t carry around pictures of it in her wallet, does she? Her cat? Because I will suffer an aneurysm midair if that’s the case—

AT THIS TIME THE CAPTAIN HAS REQUESTED THAT ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES BE TURNED OFF AND STOWED AWAY UNTIL WE HAVE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE

What do you think of him?

Oh my God, Holly. What is this, the ninth grade? You’re passing me notes? On the PLANE????

Well, how else am I supposed to talk to you with the stupid food cart in the way? And they won’t let us turn on our Blackberries. Come on, hurry up, while he’s asleep. What do you think of him?

He’s not really asleep. He’s just faking it so he won’t have to talk to me. I know because he’s still playing armrest war with me. Every time I put my elbow on the armrest, he puts his there, too, to block mine.

You don’t like him?

Holly, he’s never heard of Wondercat!!!!

Janie, he’s been doing foreign correspondence for the past ten years. They don’t get family papers like the ones that run Wondercat in places like Kabul.

But you said he moved back to the US a couple of weeks ago—

And you think he should have spent those weeks catching up on YOUR comic, as opposed to, I don’t know, FINDING A PLACE TO LIVE???

Well. He also made fun of me for bringing so many bottles of water onboard.

You do have kind of a lot.

Excuse me. Nine out of ten people found dead after getting lost in the desert actually have water left in their canteens, they were just so concerned about conserving it, they didn’t drink enough of it to survive. It’s true. I saw it on the Discovery Channel.

Okay, okay. But what do you think of him???? Do you like him? He’s cute, right? I told you he was cute.

He seems very… smart.

The Blackberry thing. I knew it. I
told
Mark to tell him to put that thing away. I know nothing freaks you out more than guys who are smarter than you
.

I can’t believe you just wrote that. First of all, it’s not even true, and second of all, in no way is Cal smarter than me. I mean, yes, he has traveled all over the world covering news stories about grisly wars and Ebola outbreaks and has written a book and stuff, but that does not mean he is smarter than I am. I mean, can he draw a cat?

    Besides which, I happen to like smart men.

Right. Like Malcolm.

Oh, that’s low, even for you. I will have you know that Malcolm can do a 360-degree spin in midair and not lose his board.

You have got to stop dating snowboarders and musicians, Jane. You’re 30 years old now. You’ve got to start thinking about the future, and date people who will actually stick around for a change, instead of going off to their next X-Game or gig.

Maybe I don’t WANT a boyfriend who sticks around. Have you ever thought about that?

Then why did you cry so much those first couple weeks after Malcolm moved out?

I just felt bad for The Dude. You know they’d bonded.

Yeah, well, there’s that, too. The Dude needs some stability in his life. He might not bite people as much if he had a positive male role model in his life. The same could be said of you. Plus, financially, you’d be much better off with a partner who actually has steady employment. As a freelancer, you are paying a premium for health insurance. If you married a guy who had his own insurance— through, say, the paper—that’d be a big chunk of change saved. Plus you’d have security. And a 401K
.

This is pretty funny coming from a woman who once spent an entire month’s rent money on a pair of purple leather pants.

Hello. Can we talk about things that happened in this millennium, please?

Fine. You know what? It’s very unfair of you to throw all that stuff about 401Ks and all of that into my face, when you know perfectly well that I HAD all that when I was dating DAVE, and you saw how THAT turned out.

OK, well, I’ll admit walking in on your boyfriend in bed with your HR rep can be psychologically scarring. Especially considering it was Amy Jenkins. But you’ll recall that I ALWAYS told you it was never a good idea to date a foreigner. You can never tell when they’re lying.

Hello. Dave was BRITISH.

Yes, but that accent had us fooled. If he’d been from this country, we’d have known right away he was an HR rep—whoremonger. But really, Janie, just because things didn’t work out with Dave is no reason to start dating unemployed losers half his age—

Need I remind you that Malcolm is not unemployed? You know he got that big Winter Cal Games contract. That’s the only reason he left. I mean, he had to move up to Canada. For the snow.

And the fact that he was a chronic wake and baker had nothing to do with you ENCOURAGING him to move.

Well, at least he isn’t an anal-retentive control freak like SOME people who happen to be sitting next to me, HOGGING THE ARMREST.

Jane, your bedroom still smells like the inside of a bong.

It is so typical of you to bring this up at a sensitive time like this. After all, YOU’RE the bride. I’m only the bridesmaid. Or witness. Or whatever.

Well, other than the “smart” thing, what do you think of Cal? Do you like him?

I get fan mail from Wondercat readers in SRI LANKA, Holly. SRI LANKANS have heard of Wondercat. But not Mark’s friend Cal.

So? Have you ever read any of his articles on land-mines?

At least I know what a land mine is!!!!!!!!!

Just try to get along with him, will you? Because otherwise it’s going to be a really long trip.

No problem. Now stop writing to me, please, my food is here.

Oh my God. The Italian food on the plane is better than the Italian takeout around the corner from my apartment. And I thought their insalata caprese was to die for.

The movie is starting. It’s the new Hugh Jackman! OH MY GOD, I HAVE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN! I AM GOING TO EUROPE WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND THEY ARE SHOWING A HUGH JACKMAN MOVIE ON THE PLANE.

If only the Armrest Nazi would MOVE HIS ELBOW.