Every Heart (11 page)

This is the same thing I did while I was held hostage. At times I wanted to lose my mind, but I knew that wouldn’t help anything. Especially because once my captors left me, I was alone, I couldn’t see, and moving only made things worse.

After breathing for what feels like an hour, nothing has changed except for my anxiety spiking. Checking the clock it’s been about three minutes. Inside, the regret eats me up, and I begin to think maybe my dad was right. I probably should have fought for her; I should have tried to convince her even more that our love was stronger than anything Bain could give her. But I remind myself that this is what is best for her and her happiness. It doesn’t matter how I feel inside. Arion is all that matters.

…

“I don’t know, James, it’s not like him to not have his phone on him. Have you talked to him at all today?” I leave out the fact of the pills and alcohol and that the house is destroyed.

“No, I haven’t. Not since last night.”

“Jesus, I’m so worried something is wrong with him.”

“Arion, don’t get yourself upset. I’m sure he just ran out.”

“You’re right. I’ll let you know as soon as he’s home.”
He’s fine. I know he is, he has to be.

I hang up with James and feel a bit lost not to have Bain here. As much as I tell myself that he is okay, my insides are telling me otherwise. I grab his phone to see if there are any clues in his texts that will help me figure out where he is.

Looking through the text messages, they are all his normal contacts. I go into a few of the recent ones to see if anything there will point me to what he could be doing…and nothing. Then I look at the call log. It’s all from James and me and one that he made to Lawrence. Who is Lawrence? I rack my brain, then it clicks. I walk across the plush carpet and pick up the pill bottle. Lawrence Jenkins. The team physician. He called him last night. That must have been how he got the fucking pills.

I sit on the couch completely frustrated and decide maybe Herbert knows where he is. I head down to the lobby and am grateful that he is working today. He sees me right away and smiles like always. I do my best to put on a fake smile and not show him the anxiety that’s running through my body. I don’t want to alert Herbert to my mounting panic, but if Bain has left the building, he will know.

“Hi, Miss Arion, how are you?”

“I’m okay, thanks. How are you?”

“Very well, thank you. I haven’t seen you lately, everything been okay?”

Crap.
“Yeah, it has been. I had to head down to New Jersey for a few days, but I just got home. I’m actually looking for Bain, have you seen him?”

“Not today, but I just started my shift about twenty minutes ago.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Of course. Is everything okay?”

“Oh yeah. Things are fine, I just came home to surprise him and he left his phone in the condo, so I was wondering if you’d seen him. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.”

My phone rings and I look at the screen. It’s Jack, Bain’s dad, and I answer right away.

“Hey, Jack,” I do my best to stay calm and head back up to the condo for some privacy.

“Arion, it’s Bain.”

“What’s the matter?” My heart drops.

“He’s been in an accident.”

Hearing him say the word “accident” knocks the air out of my lungs. “Oh God, what’s happened?” I ask breathlessly, feeling all of my control slip right out of my grasp.

“I don’t know the details myself. The hospital just called and asked us to get there immediately. Renee and I are on our way to Lenox Hill. I think you can get there before us if you grab a quick cab. Can you do that?”

I can barely get the words out as I grab my wallet, my heart pounding against the walls of my chest. “I’m on my way there now,” I respond and run out of the condo. I contemplate taking the stairs, right now it seems like the fastest route, but I know it’s really not. Instead, I press the elevator call button and wait. Finally it arrives and I pray to God that it doesn’t stop on the way down. I get lucky and make it to the lobby with record speed. As the doors barely open, I squeeze through them and sprint out onto the crowded New York sidewalk searching for a cab.

The moment I spot one, I hail it. I dig into my wallet and search for a hundred dollar bill as I slide into the back seat. All the while, my heart is still racing.

“Here’s a hundred dollars. Can you please drive as fast as possible to Lenox Hill?”

I stare at the driver in the reflection of the rear view mirror. He is an older man, graying hair, and dark eyes. He snatches the money from me without saying another word and hits the gas pedal. The acceleration launches me back against my seat.

On the drive, I can’t imagine what happened to Bain. An accident? What in the world could have happened to put him in the hospital? Did someone hurt him, but how, or why?
Oh my fucking god.
My breathing is starting to increase and I worry that the reason he is in the hospital is somehow because of me. I should have never left him or our home. Although I tried to stay in contact, I could tell that the separation was a lot on him.

Tears stream down my cheeks and I know a full-blown panic attack is creeping in, but I can’t let it take me over, not with Bain on the line. Regardless of what or how or why he’s in the hospital, he is going to need me, so I have to be strong for him.

I can’t believe that after all we have been through and I finally know that I want to be with him more than anything, this is happening. Sitting in the back of the cab watching the streets of New York fly by me, this drive feels like it’s taking forever. When in actuality it only takes the driver a few minutes ’til he pulls in front of the hospital.

Just as fast as I entered the cab, I fling open my door and run through the double doors of the Emergency Room. Inside it’s crammed with people. Looking around, I try and spot someone with authority. Finally, I do and remember to keep my composure, wiping the tears away from under my eyes. A dark-haired woman passes me a clipboard and says, “Fill this out and wait your turn.”

“What?” I snap back. “No, my boyfriend, he was brought here.”

She looks at me and shakes her head in clear frustration. My insides heat with anger. What the fuck is her problem? If she doesn’t like helping people why in God’s name is she working at a hospital? “What’s his name?” she asks without looking at me.

“Bain Adams,” I respond in a quieter tone hoping that no one heard me.

She types on her computer, then says, “I need to see your ID, to give you a visitor’s pass.” Quickly, I yank it out of my wallet and hand it to her. I can’t help but glare at her as she slowly moves her fingers over the keys of the keyboard. Finally, she prints me a sticker and hands it back to me with my ID.

“He’s in room 210, but you need to check in with the triage nurse. I’ll open those doors over there for you. It’s straight down the hall.”

I nod my head once and jog to the doors, waiting in front of them. Once they open, I’m off and down the hall. Screw checking in with anyone else, I need to get to Bain. My eyes scan the room numbers. These are in the high 100’s then the hallway ends and I come to the nurses’ station. No one looks at me and I scan the room numbers again, 204, 206, 208, then 210. My stomach drops. I rush in, pulling the curtain back, but it’s empty.
What the fuck?
No, this has to be a fucking mistake.

Where is he?
Where the fuck is he?
Why isn’t he here? My mind spirals, a million different scenarios taking place all too fast. My breathing quickens, bringing me to my knees. I place my face in my hands and fear the worst.
This cannot be happening.

My body feels out of itself. It’s just like the day I found out about Nate, when the military told us he’d died. I remind myself to stay positive. She wouldn’t have given me a room number if something had happened to him. With everything I have, I lift my lifeless self off of the floor – I need to stay positive for Bain. My head spins as I stand on my own two feet, but I maintain my balance while focusing.
I’m here for Bain
,
I’m here for Bain, I’m here for Bain,
I repeat over and over to myself.

I head back to where I guess I should have started, the nurses’ station. Looking around, this place is slammed. It’s busy with nurses moving all around and every room that has the curtain open is occupied. I round the corner looking for anyone to help. Behind the counter is a shorter nurse, studying the screen of a computer. “Excuse me?” I ask, my voice is broken and I clear my throat.

“How can I help you?” she automatically responds without even looking at me.

“I’m trying to locate Bain Adams.” She looks at me right away and then back at the computer.

“Are you related?”

“Yes, I’m his girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not his nurse. All I know is he’s in surgery. Sit tight in the waiting room.” She points to a light blue room with a flat screen TV and chairs lining the walls. “His doctor will be in soon, to talk to you.”

“Surgery?” I blurt out.

She nods her head and walks off. I stand at the counter stunned for God only knows how long. My world hangs in the balance of this hospital.
Surgery
is the only word that my mind focuses on.

“Arion?” Jack calls my name and I turn to see him and Renee running towards me.

The tears that are streaming down my face run that much faster and I collapse into the arms of Bain’s parents. Both Jack and Renee can tell that something is terribly wrong. As I cling to them, I fear the worst. My world shakes. I’m terrified at the thought that Bain could be taken from me. I thought losing Nate was hard, but Bain…he is my everything, he is the air I breathe, the light that I see. He’s my solace in this fucked up world that I cannot bear alone.

“What happened?” his dad asks, slightly pulling away to look at me.

I shake my head, “I don’t know. All I’ve been told is he’s in surgery.”

Renee sobs and I try to maintain myself when I hear a doctor in the waiting room say, “Adams!”

We all look in his direction and basically bolt across the room towards him needing answers.

“I really don’t understand the fucking point,” I snap at my psychologist as he studies me above a thin wire-rimmed pair of glasses that sit on the bridge of his nose.

“Maybe it will help? That’s all I’m saying.”

I chuckle under my breath, tired of his games and sit up. “Look at me – I have one fucking leg, I barely weigh over a hundred and thirty pounds, and I just lost the love of my life. Nothing is going to help me, you understand?”

He writes something down and then looks at me. “What?” I ask. “What are you always writing down about me?”

“Notes, for your treatment. Nathaniel, I’m concerned for you. You’re extremely angry, it’s not like you.”

“Well, like I just fucking said, look at me – I lost Arion and I’m a bit of a fucking mess,” I grit.

“I am looking at you and you look just fine to me. You need to learn to adapt to things now. Nothing is going to change going forward if you continue to act like this.”

I shake my head, pissed that he isn’t understanding where I am coming from. I’m tired of being the reserved guy. I’m tired of keeping quiet. No more. I’ve told him time and time again that since my reason for existence is gone, I’m angry. Hell, I’m more than angry. I’m fed up with the world. I mean, how can I not be? I love her and there is nothing that I could’ve done to change things. When you love someone the way I love Arion, it’s what you do. It’s what’s right.