Every Time We Say Goodbye (2 page)

‘Are you okay?’

Marianne looked around and smiled at the concern on Joanna Buckley’s kind face. These last few days Jo and Helen had never been far away, quietly taking care of her and her family. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Have you had enough of this lot, love?’ Helen asked. ‘Do you want Johnny to shift them?’

‘Just say the word,’ Helen’s husband gave Marianne a small salute.

‘No, it’s okay, leave them for another while.’

‘How are the kids holding up?’ Jo asked.

‘Who knows?’ Marianne sighed. ‘Andrew’s at least distracted for the moment but Kate is very quiet; I’m not sure what’s going on in her head.’

‘Why don’t I take her home to spend the night with us?’ Jo suggested. ‘Rachel will look after her.’

Marianne’s initial instinct was to turn down the offer; she didn’t want to let either of her children out of her sight. Still, perhaps it would do Kate good to get away from this house for a while. ‘Okay, thanks, Jo. That would be great.’

‘I can take Andrew too if you like.’

‘No,’ Marianne said quickly, not ready to relinquish her baby. ‘Dot and I need someone to fuss over.’

‘You look exhausted, Marianne; go and have a lie down,’ Helen suggested. ‘No one will miss you for an hour.’

Marianne did feel tired; she’d hardly slept since the night that she’d answered the door to the two policemen who’d told her that her husband had taken ill at a restaurant in the city centre. Although there had been a doctor present, they had been unable to revive him. Dominic was pronounced dead at the scene. The results from the post-mortem confirmed that he had died of a heart attack. There had been traces of drugs and alcohol in his system, which didn’t come as a surprise; Dominic drank too much and had been popping pills for years. His job as a stockbroker was fast-paced, risky and stressful and though he’d loved it, he couldn’t cope without a little help, or, in hindsight, a
lot
of help. He could have moved on to harder drugs in the end for all Marianne knew; he had become adept at hiding his habit from her. She’d given up trying to figure out what was going on in his head; she had stopped trying to help him; she had ceased to care. The only time she confronted him was if his strange behaviour impinged on the children.

It amazed Marianne that none of their friends appeared to have noticed his erratic moods, or perhaps they had just decided to ignore them. As she moved between the groups today, she’d heard them, one after the other, bemoan the fact that he had died at just thirty-eight of a heart attack, no doubt brought on by the stress of his job. He worked too hard, they all agreed. Their words didn’t anger or upset Marianne. She just felt numb.

‘Marianne?’

She looked up to see Helen watching her with a worried frown. ‘Yes, I think I might grab forty winks. Will you keep an eye on the children?’

‘Of course.’

Leaving her two friends to look after the guests, Marianne went upstairs, kicked off her shoes, stepped out of her black dress and stretched out on the bed. She was shattered but didn’t bother closing her eyes as she knew that sleep wouldn’t come. Was this the price she would pay for her freedom, she wondered; a lifetime of sleepless nights? Still, it was better than freezing every time she heard the front door close late at night and Dominic’s footfall on the stairs.

It was hard to equate that intimidating monster with the handsome, funny and loving Dominic she’d married. Back then she’d had to pinch herself; she couldn’t believe how lucky she was. To leave the familiar world of St Anne’s had been daunting and she’d continued to live a quiet life in the boarding house, rarely venturing out in search of a social life. But then Dominic had burst into her life, bringing with him a sense of excitement and fun that she hadn’t known existed. With him anything seemed possible. She fell head over heels in love with him and cried with happiness the night that he’d asked her to marry him. They’d been penniless back then; Dominic was still at university but Marianne was used to living within a tight budget and just sharing a pizza in Dot’s kitchen was a treat. She sighed at the memory of those early days together; Dominic had introduced her to the wonder of being intimate with a man. They had been mad about each other and grown even closer when they became parents. Marianne could still see her husband standing at the bottom of the hospital bed, cradling his baby daughter, tears of happiness rolling down his face.

There was a gentle knock on the door. ‘Who is it?’ she called, quickly pulling the sheet across her body.

Kate’s head appeared round the door. ‘Only me. Can I come in?’

‘Of course, darling.’ Marianne held out her arms and Kate climbed up on the bed and snuggled in against her.

‘Aunty Helen said I shouldn’t bother you and that you were asleep, but I knew you wouldn’t be.’

‘You were right.’ Marianne smiled and stroked her daughter’s long dark hair. ‘You’re not getting much rest either, are you, darling?’

‘I don’t want to sleep. When I wake up I’ve forgotten what’s happened and then . . .’ Kate’s voice trailed off.

‘It will get easier, sweetheart,’ Marianne promised, kissing a tear that rolled down her daughter’s cheek. ‘Aunty Jo’s invited you for a sleepover tonight.’

A range of emotions crossed the child’s face. ‘I can’t leave you—’

‘Of course you can. Maybe with Rachel in the bed next to you, waking up will be easier.’

‘But will you be okay?’ Kate’s eyes, so like Marianne’s own, were full of concern.

Marianne smiled at her tender-hearted daughter. ‘I’ll be grand and if I get really sad I’m sure your little brother will give me a cuddle.’

‘He gives great cuddles. But don’t tell him I said that,’ Kate warned with a glimmer of a smile.

‘Won’t breathe a word.’ Marianne hugged her close. ‘Everything’s going to be okay, Kate.’

‘But life will never, ever be the same again, Mummy. Never.’

‘No, darling, it won’t,’ Marianne agreed and finally allowed her eyes to close.

When Marianne woke she realized she had slept for nearly two hours. Amazed and guilt-ridden, she hurried into the bathroom to splash water on her face and returned to don the black dress. She paused with it in her hand and studied her body in the full-length mirror with dispassionate eyes. She had kept it well hidden for a long time now, especially from Dominic; would any man ever see it again? she wondered. Dismissing the thought as inappropriate and pointless, she slipped into the dress, ran a brush through her hair and hurried downstairs to find the house quiet except for muted conversation coming from the dining room. She went in to find Dot, Helen and Johnny sitting at the table and Andrew playing at his granny’s feet. ‘Is everyone gone?’ she exclaimed. ‘You should have woken me; what must people think?’

‘Anyone who cares about you will be delighted you got a rest,’ Dot assured her.

Helen hopped to her feet. ‘I’ll make you some tea.’

‘No, please don’t,’ Marianne groaned. ‘I couldn’t drink another drop.’

‘How about something stronger?’ Johnny’s eyes twinkled.

‘Yes, I think I’d quite like a glass of wine,’ Marianne agreed. ‘Where’s Colm?’

‘Gone home to make himself gorgeous for his night out.’

‘I hope you don’t mind, Marianne,’ Helen said, coming back from the kitchen with the wine. ‘I didn’t really agree with him and Di going dancing tonight of all nights but Dot here insisted.’

‘Quite right too; there’s no point in them sitting around moping. Are you okay, darling?’ she added, as Andrew moved over and leaned against her knee.

He nodded.

‘Whiskey, Dot?’ Johnny said, going to the drinks cabinet.

‘Please, and make it a large one.’

Helen rolled her eyes dramatically as Johnny poured generous measures for himself and Dot. ‘Well, it looks as if I’m driving.’

‘Thanks, sweetheart.’ Johnny winked at her and then raised his glass. ‘To Dominic.’

‘To Dominic,’ they echoed.

‘Wherever he may be,’ Dot sighed.

‘He’s in heaven,’ Andrew said.

‘Of course he is, love. Come here and give your oul granny a hug.’

Andrew went to her and put sticky hands around her neck. ‘Are you sad?’ he asked, pulling away and touching her wet cheek.

‘A bit,’ she admitted, ‘but keep giving me hugs like that and I’ll be grand.’

He smiled and turned back to his mother. ‘Can I watch
Ice Age
, Mum?’

‘Yes, darling.’ He skipped ahead of her into the living room and after she’d settled him in front of his favourite movie, she returned to them.

‘Where’s Kate?’ Dot frowned.

‘She went home with Joanna; we thought some time with Rachel might do her good.’

‘She thinks too much for a child her age.’

‘Yes,’ Marianne agreed, systematically shredding a discarded stained napkin.

‘She will probably talk to Rachel, they seem close. As for that little fella,’ Helen nodded towards where Andrew lay sprawled on the floor in front of the television, ‘I think he’ll be just fine.’

‘They both will be,’ Johnny assured them.

‘Perhaps you should get away from here for a couple of weeks,’ Helen suggested. ‘A holiday would do you all good.’

Marianne shook her head. ‘No, I’d prefer to get the children back into a normal routine; they have to get used to life without their dad.’

‘I think that you’re probably right,’ Johnny agreed, ‘and time will do the rest.’

‘The great thing about being young,’ Dot said, looking wistful. ‘You just vomit up your grief and get on with it.’

Johnny chuckled. ‘You have a way with words, Dot.’

‘You two are exhausted,’ Helen said, meeting Marianne’s eyes. ‘We’ll go and let you get to bed.’

‘It’s been a long day,’ Marianne said, thinking how Dot seemed to have shrunk before her eyes these last few days.

‘I am tired,’ Dot admitted, ‘but I doubt I’ll sleep.’

‘Still, my lady wife is right. We’d better make tracks.’ Johnny kissed Dot’s cheek and hugged Marianne. ‘If you need us, just say the word.’

‘I will,’ she promised before turning to embrace her friend. ‘Helen, I don’t know how to thank you for everything. The food, drinks . . .’

‘Not another word,’ Helen said as she bent to embrace Dot. ‘Goodnight, Dot. I’ll call you in the morning, Marianne.’

‘You’re an angel.’ After she had seen them to the door, Marianne returned and put a hand on Dot’s shoulder. ‘Why don’t you go to bed?’

‘Soon.’

‘Bedtime, Andrew.’

‘But I want to stay up with you and Granny,’ her son protested.

‘We’ll be going up soon, darling. Now, say goodnight to Granny.’

‘Night.’ He flung himself into Dot’s arms.

‘Night night, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite.’

He sped off and Marianne hesitated as she saw that Dot’s eyes were full of tears again. ‘Oh, Dot . . .’ she started.

‘I’m fine, Marianne.’ Dot waved her away and Marianne followed her son upstairs.

‘Mummy, Daddy
is
in heaven, isn’t he?’

Marianne put the book back on the shelf and stretched out beside her son on the narrow bed. ‘Yes, darling, of course he is.’

‘Granny says everyone is happy in heaven but . . .’ his eyes clouded over, ‘I won’t be able to see him any more, will I? Not unless I die too and I don’t want to die.’

His face crumpled, and gulping back her own tears, Marianne pulled him into her arms. ‘You’re not going to die, sweetie, not until you are very, very, very old.’

‘Daddy wasn’t very, very, very old so why did he die?’

Marianne looked into the open, innocent face and wondered how she could explain it in words that would make sense and yet not scare him. ‘Sometimes Holy God needs more angels,’ she began slowly, ‘and when He does, He takes very special people up to heaven a little bit early because they are perfect for the job.’

‘So Daddy’s going to be an angel?’ Andrew whispered, his eyes round.

‘Yes, sweetie, I think maybe he is.’

He considered this for a moment. ‘I’m still going to miss him.’

‘Of course you are, but do you remember what Granny says about angels?’

‘That they look after us.’

‘That’s right.’ She smiled, relieved; this was going better than she’d expected.

‘Maybe God will make him my Guardian Angel,’ he said excitedly. ‘That would be cool!’

‘It would be very cool. Now, baby, time you were asleep.’

‘Will you leave the light on?’

‘Of course.’ She kissed his forehead, tucked him in and turned to leave.

‘Mummy?’

‘Yes?’

‘I think
you’re
very special; Holy God isn’t going to take you up to be an angel too, is He?’ he asked in a small voice.

‘Absolutely not,’ she said firmly. ‘My job is to stay right here and look after you and Kate.’

‘Good. I wouldn’t like Him any more if He did that, I don’t care what Granny says.’

‘It’s not going to happen, Andrew, I promise.’

‘Okay, night,’ and, clutching his teddy a little bit tighter, he closed his eyes.

As she came out on to the landing, Dot was climbing the stairs.

‘Is he asleep?’

‘Yes. He wanted to know why his daddy died so young. I told him God needed an angel.’ Marianne rolled her eyes.

‘You did the right thing, though calling my Dominic an angel is a bit of a stretch,’ Dot joked, though there was no humour in her eyes. ‘You did him proud today and that’s a lot more than he deserved.’

‘It was important for the children. I can’t believe it’s over, that he’s gone.’

‘Well, he is,’ Dot’s voice shook slightly. ‘I suppose I may as well move out.’

Marianne stared at her. ‘Why on earth would you do that?’

‘This is your chance to start a new life, darlin’; you don’t want me cramping your style.’

Marianne leaned against the banister and crossed her arms. ‘Let’s get one thing straight, Dot: you’re part of this family.’

‘That’s a lovely thing to say but—’

‘But nothing. Apart from the fact that you’re the children’s only other relative, don’t you realize you are the closest thing I’ve ever had to a mother?’

‘Oh, Marianne, what a lovely thing to say!’ Dot grasped her hand and smiled. ‘I must be honest, I’d hate to go; I’d be lost without the three of you.’