Every Tongue Got to Confess (15 page)

A fellow went to court a girl. After he had courted her a long time, he began to talk of marriage. Her parents were very glad to hear him speak of it, for he was rich and strong. So they told the girl to go down in the cellar and draw some beer. They wanted to be merry, you know.

The girl took the pitcher and went down in the cellar to draw the beer. She turned the thing, you know, and let the beer run into the pitcher. While it was running, she got to thinking that if the young man
did
(should) propose to her in earnest, and she should accept him, and they get married and have a child—what would she name it?

She sat and thought and thought and the beer ran and ran. After a long time her mother wondered, what can be keeping our daughter? So she went down to see what was the matter. “What is the matter, daughter, you don’t come on back with the beer?” “Mama, I just got to thinking, that if the young man should ask me to marry him, and if I should accept him, and if we should marry and have a child—what would we call it?” “Daughter, that
is
something to think about.” So she sat down beside the girl and began to think, too. The beer was still running.

They thought and thought, and after a long time, the father came down to see what was the matter. “Wife! What are you doing letting all my good beer waste like this? I will be ruined! Our daughter hasn’t married the young man yet, remember.” “Well, we just been wondering what to name the baby if the young man does propose marriage to our daughter, and she should accept, and they should marry and have a child.” “Now, that
is
something to study about. I never thought of that.” So he sat down and began to think, too.

After a while, the young man got worried and came to see about them all. “What are all of you doing sitting here in a flood of beer?” The father said, “We are just studying what to name the baby in case you and daughter get married and have one.” “Well,” said the young man, “you are the three biggest fools that I ever heard talk of. I am going traveling for a year, and if I find three fools as big as you, I’ll come back and marry the girl.”

He traveled and traveled, and after a while he saw a man leaping up in the air before a bush with some clothes on it. The man just kept on jumping up in the air and falling back. “What are you doing?” the young man asked. “Those are my trousers on the bush and I am trying to get into them.” “Well, why don’t you take them in your hand and draw them on?” “I never thought of that,” said the man and he did so. “That’s
one
fool,” said the young man, and went on.

Way after while he saw a man trying to pull a cow up on the roof of a barn by a rope around her neck. He pulled and pulled, but he could not pull the cow up on the barn. “What are you trying to do?” asked the young man. “See all that grass growing on top of the barn? I am trying to take the cow up there so that she can eat it.” “Why don’t you go up there and toss it down to her?” the young man asked the farmer. “Oh, I never thought of that.” “That is two fools,” the young man said and traveled on.

One day he saw a woman rushing in and out of her house,
pushing a wheelbarrow. She had a wide board placed in the door like a gangplank and was dashing in and out, in and out with the wheelbarrow. “What are you moving in that wheelbarrow? I can’t see anything in it.” “Oh, I have scoured my kitchen and I am trying to haul in some sunshine to dry it.” “Why don’t you open the doors and windows and let it dry?” “Oh, I never thought of that.” “Well,” said the young man, “I have found three fools as big as those I left, so I will go back and marry the girl.”

By that time I left.

—H
ATTIE
R
EEVES.

There was a ole man told his wife to make slop for the hogs. While he was out on the plantation working, she made the slop in de well. Caught all de hogs in de well and said, “Drink your food!”

When the husband come he wanted to know if de hogs had been fed. She said, “Yes, dem is de biggest fools me ever did see. Me put the hogs in de ole well, but dey wouldn’t eat.”

Ole man say, “You de biggest fool I ever did see.” Dat de way wid geechies
*

—H
ATTIE
G
ILES.

One time there was a man and he had a wife and she was sorta silly. He would save his earnings and his food and store it back, and tell her that he was saving it for Mr. Hard Time. So one day a man came along begging and told her he
was Mr. Hard Time. So she went and got all the money and all the food he had been saving and gave it to this man. When the husband came, he found so many things gone he asked her, “Where is my things I told you to put up for hard times?”

She said, “Lordy massa, Mr. Hard Time came by and I gin him dem things.”

—H
ATTIE
G
ILES.

Once there was a lady sitting by the fire. She and her little boy was making rolls out of cotton. So her sweetheart came, and later her husband.

So she placed her sweetheart in the basket and covered him with cotton. She and her old man started talking; but the little boy says, “Papa, I could raise hell here tonight.”

The lady talked louder to drown the boy’s voice, but the boy kept on saying, “Papa, I could raise hell here tonight.”

After he had kept saying this a long time, the old man said, “Well, raise it then.”

So the little boy reached into the fire and got out a red hot coal and throwed it into the basket, and the man caught on fire, and the man jumped out and took out down the road, and as far as you could see him you saw fire.

—C
HARLEY
B
RADLEY.

Once there was a man who wanted to catch up with his wife. So he pretended he was going to work, and sent a little boy to his house to spend the night. His wife baked a cake of corn bread and fried some meat and gave it to the little boy
and sent him upstairs to bed. Then she baked a pig with an apple in his mouth, a sweet potato pone. By this time her sweetheart came, so she said: “You better eat, as we have plenty to eat this afternoon.”

But he said, “Let us talk, we have plenty of time to eat.”

So her husband knocked on the door and she told her sweetheart to get up the pot racks.

The old man asked her if a little boy had come to spend the night, and she said, “Yes, he is upstairs sleep.”

The old man said, “Come down, little boy.” The boy came down stretching as if he had been asleep. So the old man asked him what did he know.

The little boy said, “Well, I don’t know much, but what I do know I’ll tell that!”

“Once my father had a potato patch. Sow kept coming in there until it made my father mad, and father picked up a brick as big as that potato pone in that oven and knocked a pig out of that sow as big as that pig in the stove with that apple in his mouth. Every since then that sow has been afraid of my father as that man is of you up that pot rack.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

There was another woman that had a sweetheart. So one night they retired and her husband come. So she put her sweetheart under the bed where she had a basket where a hen was setting on some eggs. The husband laid down in the bed and the hen pecked the sweetheart under the bed and he said, “Good God! I am snake bit!”

The woman said, “Hush! My husband will hear you.”

The hen pecked him again and he said, “I am snake bit!”

The woman repeated “Hush, my husband will hear you.”

But the man hollered “I don’t care who in hell hears me, I say I’m snake bit.”

—C
HARLEY
B
RADLEY.

A lady once married and her husband never would stay home, so she said she’d go to de hoodoo. So she went to the hoodoo and she ast de lady. So de lady said, “Here you come, and I know whut you come for. You havin’ trouble with your husband.”

“Yes, m’am, I certainly is.” Says, “All right, whut kin ’ do?”

Says, “All right, come take me to yo’ house.”

She goes and she walks in, says, “Tell you whut you do—” say, “get you some constrated lye, scrub yo’house, wash all yo’clothes, comb yo’ head, powder yo’ face, make up your bed, light and neat, and don’t have a thing to say to him when he come in.”

So de husband come in dat night. He walks in de house and looks all round. He looks at her and she was clean, head was combed, bed was turned back, and his water was fixed. They sits out on de porch a little while, then he walks in and says: “Dear, let’s go to bed.”

So they went to bed. She got up de next morning and went back to de hoodoo lady and paid what she charged and de hoodoo lady told her to jest keep dat up twice per week and her husband would always go to bed and go to sleep.

—J.W. W
ADE
.

This woman was so cruel till he couldn’t please her no way he done. Las’ one night he come in from makin’ support for her, an’ he said: “Oh baby doll, is you tired uh me?”

And she said, “Yes, I don’t want you on no terms no matter whut you do.”

“Well, I’ll tell you how tuh get rid uh me.”

Says, “All right, tell me.”

He said to her, “Well, I got a brand new rope dere behind de head uh de bed. You take it and cair me soon in de mornin’
tuh de river bank, tie my hands behind my back, and get on de hillside and run and shove me overboard.”

She says, “I really will.”

So dat morning dey went on down and she tied his arms, roped ’em behind his back. So she got on de hillside and ran wid great speed, and jes’ fo’ getting’ tuh him tuh make her shove, he made one step aside, an’ overboard she went.

Hollered, “Save me, ole man, save me.”

“How can I save you wid my arms tied behind my back?”

—R
OBERT
B
AILEY.

There wuz uh woman once an’ she didn’t have no wash-pot; so she wuz always sending round tuh first one house an’ another tuh borry they pot. But one day she got lucky an’ bought herself uh pot; so she sent round tuh everybody: “Now, I got uh wash-pot uh my own an’ I don’t lend an’ I don’t borry.”

Dat went on all right fuh uh spell till one day some devilish boys wuz chunkin’
*
an’ dey struck her pot an’ broke it. Den she sent round tuh everybody: “I lends an’ borries, too.”

—N
IGGER
B
YRD.

There was a widow woman didn’t have no husband. She been trying to get one for years. Every Sunday she uster dress up and put Cologne water on herself and primp her mouf up little to go to church.

After while a new preacher come to pastor there that didn’t have no wife, and so dat Sunday she primped her mouf just so. So she was late for preaching, so she cut cross de field for de nigh cut, so she seen de mule was out and in de corn. So she
tried to drive him out without unfixing her mouf. So she says, “You mule, git out dat corn; oh, you mule, go on out de corn!”

De mule didn’t pay her no mind, so she unprimped her mouf and says, “You damned ole crazy mule! git out dat corn ’fore I lam you wid lightning!”

And de mule went out. “Now look whut you done done! Done made me open my mouf wide. Now I got to go all de way back to de house and primp it agin befo’ I kin go tuh meeting.

—L. O. T
AYLOR
.

The reason there ain’t no women in de army is cause they squats to pea (urinate) and de minute one does it, they all wants to. De enemy would slip up and kill ’em all while they was squattin’ down.

—E. E
DWARDS.

Reason women folks always poke de fire if they set down by one is one time uh man wuz burnt up in uh fire, an’ de women been searchin’ fur his privates ever since.

—D
AUGHTER
S
EWELL
.

There wuz a woman who sent her boy to school to learn everything.

She had a young cow and went out to milk her, and the cow kicked all the milk out the bucket. She called her husband to assist her in milking the cow. He come out and felt responsible to help his wife, so he said: “I’ll put a rope on her head.”

He helt the cow while she milked her. She kicked the milk over again that she had given.

He said, “I know what! We sent our boy to school to learn everything—he’ll know how to milk this cow.”

So he calls the boy out and he comes out and ties the rope to a tree. He felt more responsible than his pa, so his mother began to milk again. The cow kicked that over and the boy said: “Father, she needs a weight on her back.”

He looked all around but didn’t see anything heavy to put on her back. So he had a long-legged father, and so he tole him to get up there on the cow’s back. So he got up there and he tied his legs together under the cow’s belly.

The cow begin to jump one side to the other, and he
wanted to get down. He hollered, “Cut the rope, son, cut the rope!”

And instead of cutting the rope from his father’s legs so he could get down, he cut the rope to the tree. His father remained tied to the cow. She went running through the bushes.

There was a sister coming up through the woods. She saw him and said, “Wait a minute, brother, where you going?”

He said, “I don’t know, sister. God and this cow knows.”

—G
EORGE
M
ILLS.

Man sent his daughter off tuh school fur seven years. Den she come home all finished up. So he said tuh her: “Daughter, git you things an’ write me uh letter tuh mah brother.” So she did.

He says: “Head it up,” an’ she done so. “Dear brother, our chile is done come home from school all finished up, an’ we is very proud of her.” (To daughter): “You got dat?”

She tole ’im, “Yeah.”

“Our dog is dead an’ our mule is dead, but I got anuther mule, and when I say (the clucking tongue and teeth sound used to urge mules), he moves from de word…Is you got dat?” She told him, “Naw.” He waited a while and he ast her again, “Is you got dat down yit?”

“Naw sir, I ain’t got it yit.”

“How come you ain’t got it?”

“Cause I can’t spell (clucking sound).”

“You mean tuh tell me you been off tuh school seven years and can’t spell (clucking sound)? Well, I could almost spell dat myself. Well, jest say (sound) and go on.”

—R
OBERT
W
ILLIAMS.

Man sent his son off to school for seven years. When he come home that morning they had breakfast. His pa said, “Son, pass me det taters.”

De boy said, “Don’t say taters, say po-tatoes.”

After while de ma says, “Son, pass me de ’lasses.”

Say, “Don’t say ’lasses, say mo-lasses.”

His pa says, “Our boy done gone off and lost his senses. He done come back here puttin’ ‘po’ on taters and ‘mo’ on ’lasses.”

—P
ETER
N
OBLE
.