Everything Between Us (26 page)

“The kind where she can’t avoid the things that scare her. The kind where she has to not only face them—she has to make them happen, just to get control of them.”

“What does that mean? What’s that therapist doing to her?”

Romy sits cross-legged, her flowing skirt fanning around her legs. “In today’s session, she spun Stella around on a chair and made her breathe through one of those tiny coffee straws.”

I squint at her. “What? She’s paying a hundred bucks an hour for
that
?”

“Yep. Because those things mimic what it feels like to panic. For Stella, at least. They basically induced a panic attack. And Stella was sent home with instructions to do it again, every day. She came out of Heather’s office with a handful of coffee straws.”

My heart is beating a little faster just thinking about it. “Why? It’s so hard for her.” I saw it yesterday, right before she walked away from me. “Why put her through that?”

Romy shakes her head. “So she can understand and experience it without escaping from it. So she sees it can’t hurt her. She’s not allowed to distract herself or to run. She has to sit with that panic and breathe through it until it subsides. She’s learning how to think differently about it.”

I remember her on the bathroom floor that night at the gallery opening. It looked like torture. “Is that really good for her?”

“She’s getting control of it, Daniel. That’s what she has to do. You can’t master something by avoiding it.”

“She’s avoiding me,” I blurt.

“I have some ideas about that,” Romy says quietly. “You really care about her, don’t you?”

I set my elbows on my knees and burrow my fingers in my hair. “I wish I didn’t.”

“That’s not true. She’s good for you.”

“Not sure I can say that right now.”

“She wants you to see her as strong, Daniel. She wants to be your equal. She wants to keep up with you.”

“Of course she’s my equal!”

“You started out as her teacher. You have a lot more experience than she does. You’re older. You’re independent. And she’s fighting battles in her own mind. Can you blame her for not seeing it that way?”

I let my hands fall away from my hair. “I guess. It’s just … I want to help her. I wanted to be there for her.”

Romy tilts her head. “But you are. I think she sees you as her haven as she goes through this. You’re like the safe place where she can go to forget what she’s dealing with.”

“So I’m like a fucking vacation.”

Romy smiles. “You’d prefer to be the everyday?”

Yeah, actually. More than I want anything else, which is what’s messing me up so bad. “Does she think I can’t handle it? Is that why she won’t let me in on what’s happening?”

“I don’t know what she thinks, Daniel. Stella keeps to herself about a lot of stuff. But I will tell you this—until you came along, she didn’t feel able to do much about this, and she didn’t know how to try. But now, she is dead determined to defeat this panic.”

“She shouldn’t do that for anyone but herself.”

“I know. But sometimes we need a big reward to do things for ourselves.”

“And I’m the reward?”

She smiles. “I guess we’ll see.”

“Her mom caught us yesterday. I haven’t heard from Stella since.”

“I know.” Her grin doesn’t fade. “But I think you will.”

Chapter Twenty-two: Stella

My veins are stark and blue across the back of my hand as I knock on my mother’s door. She’s alone, I know. Markus left a few hours ago. I would have talked to her sooner, but she’s been with him almost nonstop since she caught me and Daniel yesterday.

I was so startled that I couldn’t slow down my heartbeat, no matter how hard I tried. It was so humiliating.
Mentally disabled.
That’s what my mom called me, right in front of Daniel and Markus. When I told Heather that today, it was the first time I’ve seen her look anything other than sympathetic. “You are the opposite, Stella,” she said in a flinty voice. “You are taking control and making wise decisions, and you are completely capable of knowing your own mind.”

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

“What is it?” my mother calls.

“I need to talk to you,” I say, taking a deep breath. I open the door to find my mother lying on her bed, like she’s just waking from a nap. There’s a drained wineglass on her bedside table. “How are you feeling?”

“I have a headache.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t be long.”

She sits up as I come to sit on the end of her bed. “Is this about yesterday?”

I nod. “I want to make sure you understand.”

She rolls her eyes. “What is there to understand?”

“Me. I want you to understand
me
, Mom.”

“I’m listening.” She folds her arms over her chest.

“I’m going to therapy to deal with my problems,” I tell her. “I’m facing them. And I want you to be happy about that. I’m working hard.”

Her posture softens a little. “I am glad about that. I just don’t want to see you taken advantage of.”

Deep. Breaths. “I know, Mom, and I appreciate that. I’ve gotten to know Daniel pretty well over the last several weeks. I didn’t expect to fall for him, but that’s exactly what happened.”

“You’re an impressionable young woman, Stella, and he’s an absolute player,” she says dismissively. “He knows how to make you feel things. He’s been with several of my friends, and they’ll all tell you the same.”

“He’s not like that, not with me,” I say calmly, though it hurts.
He knows how to make you feel things.
He certainly does. And it’s scary. Part of me trusts him, but the other part of me is terrified that his own feelings don’t run that deep. I know he likes me now, but how can I keep him when there’s all that temptation out there? How can I hold his interest when there are tons of normal, confident girls who’d love to get ahold of him? How can I tempt him when I’m not with him—especially when he keeps seeing me at my worst? I want him to like me because I’m strong—not because he wants to rescue and protect me.

“Estella, I’m sorry to say this, but he’s gone after you because I chose Markus over him. This is about his bruised ego.”

“Things happened between us long before that, Mom.” As soon as I say it, I see the rage flare in her eyes, and realize I’ve said exactly the wrong thing. I’m so stupid. I basically just told her that I had an affair with the guy she’s having an affair with. It’s not his ego that’s bruised. It’s hers. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but she puts her hand up.

 “I’m not going to argue with you,” she says. “I’ve moved on. You can believe what I’m saying or not, but we’re not going to fight.”

“Good,” I say as gently as I can. “Because it won’t change how I feel. I’m an adult. All you can do is drive me away if you try to keep me from seeing him. Does that matter to you?”

“Of course it does.”

“Really?” Hope stirs inside me. Is it possible she could understand?

She sits up again and takes my hand. “Estella, all I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for you. I want you to be well and happy, because you’re my daughter and I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mom.” A smile pulls at my lips.

She stares at me for a few long moments, then shrugs. “That’s why I hope you can understand me when I say this: Daniel is off-limits to you. You’re going back to Wellesley, and you’ll find someone better.”

I snatch my hand from hers as my hope shatters. “If you want me to go back to Wellesley, if you really want that—instead of wanting to get rid of me by sending me to some sanity farm or whatever—then don’t do this. He’s good for me, Mom. He’s the one who’s pushed me in the right direction, who connected me with Romy—”

“Fine, then,” she says with a hard, calculating smile. “If he’s so motivating for you, that makes this easy. I won’t allow him in this house. Ever again. If you want to see him, you’d better crawl out of your little cave and do something with yourself other than making banana bread!”

I rock back as I realize something. She doesn’t believe  I’m strong enough to defy her like this. I sit up straighter, my eyes dry, my face hot. “I guess we have an understanding, then. He won’t come into the house.” I clamp my teeth together and swallow back my fear. “And I’m going to get better.”

She’s still looking at me with a grim kind of pleasure, like she’s thinking a few steps ahead. “We definitely have an understanding. But don’t be surprised if Daniel loses interest. Very soon, in fact.”

I nearly curl in on myself as she speaks my fear aloud. I slide off her bed and take a step back. “Thanks for the advice.”

She knows she’s hit another tender spot. “You’re a momentary fascination for him, Estella, but Daniel is motivated by two things: money and pleasure.” And her expression says she knows I can’t give him either.

“Why do you hate me?”

She rolls her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me say I love you? I want you to have a great life, darling. I don’t want you to ruin it.”

I nod, wordless, and hustle myself out of her room before I disintegrate. My mind is at war with itself, thoughts flying through my head and twisting together, a storm brewing within the walls of my skull. I get back to my room and hurl myself onto my bed, trying to remember the things Heather told me to do when my thoughts get out of control.

I can’t do this.

I will do this.

I’m not strong enough.

I am.

It’s pointless anyway.

It’s worth the risk. Because
everything
is at risk. Not just my connection with Daniel. My future. Me. And for all three of those things, I will push myself further than I ever thought I could go. I pick up my phone and find his number. He picks up after a single ring. “Stella?”

I smile at the sound of his voice. Hearing it quiets my doubts and sharpens my determination. “Hi, Daniel.”

I’m standing outside waiting for Romy when Daniel’s car comes up the drive. My mouth drops open. I haven’t seen him for over a week, not since my mom caught us and barred him from coming over. I’ve been working up to going out in public again, but it’s been exhausting and leaves me a mess every time. Still, I’m pushing myself, because otherwise I’ll never see Daniel again. But I didn’t expect him to come here. I look back at the house. Mom’s inside, and if she sees him … my anxious thoughts keep me from doing the one thing I want to: throwing myself into his arms.

He pulls to a stop and gets out, looking wary, like he can see my fears scrolling across my forehead. “I know you weren’t expecting me,” he says, “but hear me out.”

“My mom—”

“I don’t want to come in.”

I glance at my phone. “Romy’s going to be here in a few minutes anyway. I was just going to a session with Heather.”

“Romy’s not coming. I’m your ride today.”

I blink at him, my heart beating a little faster. My sessions run me ragged, and I don’t want him to see me that way. Not anymore. That’s why I’ve been working so hard. “Daniel—”

“Please, Stella, listen to me.” He takes a step closer to me, his breath puffing in front of him. “I haven’t seen you in days. Talking on the phone ...” He sighs. “I love that, but I’ve missed you. A lot.”

I fold my arms over my chest. “I’m trying.” Trying so hard to be in his world. Trying to be strong enough and good enough. Can’t he see that? “Romy’s really not coming?”

He shakes his head. “I asked her for this.” When he sees my expression, he holds up his hands. “Blame me, not her.”

I bounce on my heels. We need to get going or we’re going to be late. “Why are you doing this?”

He holds out his hand. He’s not wearing gloves, and his knuckles are red from the early March chill. “Because I want to see what you go through so I can understand. Because I want to be part of this. Because—” He presses his lips together before continuing. “Shall we go?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to contain my frustration. In that instant, Daniel takes my hand and leads me to the car. I was already dreading today’s session, and now I’m feeling even worse. Today, Heather and I are going to walk across campus, right as students switch classes. It’s third on my hierarchy, something that might make me panic. But I’m going to do it, and I’m going to get through it. And if it’s anything like the last two weeks, I’ll be exhausted afterward.

I stare out the window as he pulls onto the road that will take us to town. In a few weeks, I’m supposed to start driving myself. I need to do that, but I’ve never felt that comfortable with driving, and the thought of doing it sets my heart pounding. I practice my breathing, making it deep and slow.

“You’re coping pretty hard over there,” Daniel says. His fingers brush my thigh before returning to his side of the car. I fight the urge to grab his hand and cling.

“I’m just nervous. We’re leaving the office for the first time today.”

“Why?”

“So we can go do something that scares the shit out of me.” As soon as I say it, I snort, and then I start to laugh. “Which probably makes most people think of doing something really daring, but for me, it’s just a stroll across campus.” How sad.

His hand returns, seeking mine. “Other people are scared of other things, Stella.”

“What are you scared of?”

He chuckles. “You.”

“Me?”

“Yep. What would your therapist say to that?”

“She’d tell you to expose yourself to what you fear and learn to deal with it until you’re not afraid of it anymore.”

“So now you know why I’m here,” he says softly.

There are so many things I want to ask him, but we’ve reached downtown, and I have other things to worry about. We’re almost there. Daniel finds a spot right in front of the building. As I unbuckle my seatbelt, he says, “Can I come in with you?”