Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels (23 page)

BOOK: Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels

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Romance is in the small moments and the motivation behind a quiet gift or action. Demonstrating your affection does not necessarily mean chartering a yacht to sail around the world. A big chocolaty, flowery gesture of Valentine cliché does not automatically equal romance. But filling her gas tank when you notice it’s empty, or cooking his favorite meal after a really crappy day at work—all those little moments combine to portray a clear affection. The gesture is not the romance; the motivation for the gesture is.

ROMANCE IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

As I wrote in an article for
Tango
magazine, romance is not about getting some; it’s about giving some. Romance does require that you understand your own needs and wants, but it’s equally important to notice and acknowledge the desires and needs of the person you’re with—or the person you want to be with. Romance is valuing the other person’s happiness as much as you value your own.

ROMANCE MEANS ROUTINE CARE AND MAINTENANCE

You can’t drive cross-country without gas in the tank, and you can’t have a happily-ever-after without simple care and feeding of your relationship. You can’t take people for granted, and you can’t ignore those small moments of appreciation and acknowledgement. Romance can be as simple as saying “Please” and “Thank you.” For example: Please know that your being here makes me happy. Thank you for making me smile.

ROMANCE MEANS LOVING SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE, RIGHT NOW

Romance is truthful—in the sense that you don’t lie your pants off, and you don’t pretend to be someone you are not. You should be able to reveal your true self to the person who loves you, and they’ll love you exactly as you are. Romance is knowing that you are loved without any requests or demands for change. To quote Shakespeare (Oh, come on, I had to do it once): “Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds, nor bends with the remover to remove. It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.”

ROMANCE MEANS BELIEVING YOU ARE WORTHY OF A HAPPY ENDING—AND WANTING TO GIVE ONE TO SOMEONE ELSE

Everyone deserves happiness, and the knowledge that they are loved and awesome just the way they are. The trick to a happily-ever-after is knowing that the ever-after starts now. Right now. No, really.

May we all be happy, may we all feel the joy of romance, and may we all live happily ever after.

“When our heroines walk away from lying, cheating, abusive relationships, our readers stand up and cheer! When our heroes fail to fall for mean, selfish, manipulative women, our readers applaud! Men and women in real life and in romance novels find themselves trapped in unhealthy, destructive relationships all the time, and when they choose to believe they deserve love, respect, and healthy, enduring relationships, when they reclaim their lives and demand only excellent treatment and a love they can fully trust, life is good.”

—ROBYN CARR

Sources

Bahls, Patrick. “DocTurtle Returns to Finish
Lord of Scoundrels
.”
http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/docturtle-returns-to-finish-lord-of-scoundrels/
, retrieved 12 November 2010.

Campbell, Anna. Personal interview, 12 October 2010.

Chase, Loretta. Personal interview, 12 November 2010.

Crusie, Jennifer. Personal interview, 15 October 2010.

Donnelly, Denise A., quoted in “When Sex Leaves the Marriage.”
New York Times
, 3 June 2009.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage
, retrieved 7 December 2010.

Finlay, Janet, Director of Market Research, Harlequin Enterprises Ltd. Personal interview, 16 November 2010.

Hayes, Donna. Speech at Spring Fling YWCA-NY, New York, New York, 24 June 2010.

James, Eloisa. Personal interview, 13 October 2010.

MacLean, Sarah. Personal interview, 12 November 2010.

Medeiros, Teresa. “A Romantic Hero Wouldn’t Do That.”
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-05-31/living/tiger.jesse.romance.heroes_1_romance-hero-romance-writers-true-love?_s=PM:LIVING
, retrieved 6 March 2011.

Roberts, Nora. Personal interview, 14 October 2010.

RWA Statistics on Romance Readership.
http://www.rwa.org/cs/readership_stats
, retrieved 7 June 2011.

Schoenthaler, Robin. “Will he hold your purse?”
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/
, retrieved 27 November 2010.

Shopping List

The following titles are quoted in this book and appear here in list form, should the excerpts make you want to read more—which they probably do.

Bet Me
by Jennifer Crusie (St. Martin’s, 2004)