Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (52 page)

SarahBeth

T
he next month passes quickly, and Jeremy's actually able to attend a doctor's appointment with me. I felt really bad at the last one because I forgot about it until the night before when Lyric reminded me. Jeremy had a site visit he couldn't reschedule, so she ended up going with me. Jeremy wanting to come wasn't even on the radar since he didn't know about the baby when I made that appointment. I'm so beyond excited right now though, because this time, he's here and he'll be able to hear the heartbeat with me.

Lyric offered to come over and wait with me, just in case something came up and Jeremy couldn't make it, but I turned her down. Jeremy's been making a serious effort to show that's he in this with me. In fact, he even bought his own copy of the book he saw me reading last week. Watching his eyes get bigger the entire time he skimmed through the pages was hilarious...there's a lot of gross stuff in the book, and I think he's a little frightened now.

I'm practically bouncing on my toes when the doorbell finally sounds, in such a hurry to get to the door I don't even notice my brother walking past the staircase until I ram into him. His arms immediately wrap around me to steady me, and I hear Jeremy curse under his breath before he pulls me out of David's arms, looking down at me with a stern look.

"You need to be more careful, Little Bit. That book says that your balance is already off because you're carrying your weight differently and you weren't exactly graceful to begin with." Trapped between my brother and Jeremy, I can feel David's silent laughter at Jeremy's description.

Pushing against his chest, I try to get him to release me, but it doesn't work. Settling for pulling back as far as I can, I cross my arms over my chest and tip my head back to look up at him with narrowed eyes. "You are such a jerk, you know that? Are you trying to say I'm clumsy?" I try to sound indignant, but knowing that I am just as clumsy as he's implying, I'm not able to hold onto it for long. They're both laughing now, which ticks me off, and I huff, "Maybe he should watch where he's going so I don't run into him. Did you ever think of that?" Jeremy finally lets me out of his embrace and I stalk out the door, ignoring both my big brother and his friend. I don't want them to see the smile on my face, the one that shows I'm so happy they are getting along again. There's no way I could ever choose between them. I love them both too much.

Jeremy hurries after me, probably not wanting me to trip going down the stairs and I have to wonder what he's going to be like in a few months when I can't see my feet. He'll probably insist on carrying me everywhere to make sure I'm okay. I've been known to trip over my own feet, and that's when there isn't a belly hiding them from me. He helps me into the car before asking me for directions to the doctor's office.

Jeremy's a mess the entire time we sit in the waiting room, his foot bouncing on his knee so much that I'm worried he's going to hurt himself. The waiting room is full of women in different stages of pregnancy. Some have barely there tummies and others look like they're in danger of going into labor at any moment. Wanting to ignore Jeremy and his fidgeting, I pick up one of the magazines sitting on the side table next to my chair to flip through it. I swear, some of the articles inside were written just for me. The one I'm reading when the nurse calls me back is all about how to bond with your partner before the baby comes. Yeah, I definitely need that one!

Similar to the last visit, the nurse tells me to get undressed and put on the gown set out on the exam table. She looks Jeremy over appraisingly, and I know it's because of the conversation the first time I was here, about the father not knowing. He notices, and when she leaves the room he looks over at me with one eye-brow raised. The combination of the eyebrow and his glasses has me squirming, not a good thing when we're at the doctor's office.

Dr. Bailey walks in shortly after, introducing herself to Jeremy before asking me how things are going. "How's the morning sickness? Still suffering? Any cramping or bleeding?" Jeremy stiffens, only relaxing when I tell the doctor that the morning sickness seems to be slacking off and I haven't had any of the other. She smiles at me before having me lie back on the table, pulling a small device out of her pocket and grabbing the gel off the counter. "Now, lets listen to that precious little one's heartbeat. Are you ready? Excited?" I nod, and she says, "Good. This will be just a little cold, but it's worth it."

She places the monitor against my stomach, moving it around before a whooshing sound fills the room. It's fast, much faster than my own heartbeat, and I'm a little scared at first. Seeing the expression on my face, Dr. Bailey is quick to tell me that it's supposed to be that way. "That's a very strong heartbeat," she tells us both. Jeremy's eyes are locked on the spot where the monitor is pressing against me, the look in his eyes unfathomable.

I feel so guilty now for not telling him right away. The way he's looking at my stomach, the way he seems so entranced by the beat of our baby's heart, makes me wish I hadn't kept it from him. He should have been here for the first appointment. He should have been here when they were asking all the questions about his family, all the questions about what our plans were. I took that away from him, and it makes me feel
awful
.

The heartbeat stops when the doctor removes the device from my stomach, and Jeremy's face falls. She notices, and with a laugh, says, "Okay, one more time. But, you know, they do sell devices that will let you hear it all on your own."

He walks over to stand beside me, taking my hand in his and staring down at me. The heartbeat starts again, and I swear his eyes are wet as we listen. The awe on his face has my heart squeezing almost painfully, and this time when Dr. Bailey removes the monitor, he murmurs, "We are definitely getting one of those." I giggle, putting a hand over my mouth to hide my grin, but he still sees it. The smile he gives me in return is breathtaking. I know now without a doubt that this, right here, is the moment our child became real to him.

The rest of the appointment passes in a blur, right up until the doctor tells me that next time we should be able to do an ultrasound to tell the sex. She asks if that's something we've discussed, whether we want to find out or not, and Jeremy's quick to tell her that yes, we definitely want to know. I glare at him, because we haven't talked about that at all, but when he looks back at me sheepishly, I can't burst his bubble. Plus, truthfully, I don't care if we find out or not. I'm good either way...I don't really care what we're having, as long as it's healthy.

We leave the doctor's office shortly after, and even though I'm expecting Jeremy to take me right home, he doesn't. Instead, we end up at a baby superstore, one that carries everything a baby could possibly need. When we walk inside, we're confronted with clothes, toys, strollers, so many baby things and I have no idea where to start. Jeremy's a man on a mission though, and pulls me straight to the back of the store where all the baby furniture is. I can't help but think that this was not really what he'd planned to do this afternoon, but he stops in the middle of all the cribs and changing tables, spreading his arms wide and telling me, "We need to start getting stuff for the baby...and we also need to decide where he's going to live."

He
? It's funny, I always refer to the baby as she, but he's calling it he, like he's so sure we're having a son. "Um, what are you talking about? She's going to live with me." I'm a little worried now, because this isn't a topic we've talked about before. It's one I didn't think we really needed to talk about. I mean, I'm the mom. Surely that means the baby will be living wherever I am, right? Are we really going to do this in the middle of a store?

"That's not what I meant. You know I'd never take him away from you." He runs a hand through his hair, obviously agitated before he sighs, "I'm doing this all wrong." Yeah, he really is. I have no idea where he's going with this, and now, well, I'm kind of scared to ask. He walks over to me, taking both of my hands in his and bending his knees so he's eye level with me. "Screw it, I'm just going to say it." I tense, but his next words send me reeling. "I want you and the baby with me," he says, swallowing hard. "I want you to come live with me, and I want you to move in before the baby gets here."

I can only stare at him in shock. Say what? He wants me to
move in
with him? To his apartment? Is he serious? I'm gaping at him, unable to say a word as he drops my hands, walking away from me to stand in front of a crib. Jeremy puts his hands on the side, his head dropping down so his chin rests on his chest and his shoulders are slumped. He looks so dejected that I have to go to him. I can't stand across the room silently. Just before I reach his side, he says in a low voice, "I don't want to be a part time father, Sarah. I want more than that with you...with both of you." I know my eyes are entirely too large right now, but I can't help it. Out of everything I thought he'd say, that's the last thing I expected. He continues, "Hearing our baby's heartbeat earlier, it brought everything into focus."

He looks up at me, eyes full of misery as he confesses, "I don't ever want our child to feel unwanted. Hell, I don't want you to think you're unwanted. I'm so out of my depth here, baby. I don't know what to say to convince you."

"You don't have to say anything. Jeremy, I don't want our baby to be going back and forth between us either, but are you sure this is what you want? It's only been a month since we worked things out, since you found out about the baby..."

He cuts me off with a sharp laugh that's completely void of humor. "Do you honestly think that changes anything for me? I've been in love with you for
years
, Sarah. If I could have, I would have moved you in with me that first night in my apartment. I fucking hate taking you home every night, hate knowing that you're going to be away from me. I want to go to sleep with you every night, wake up with you every morning. I don't want to miss any more of this pregnancy than I already have." I flinch at his last words, knowing just how long he didn't know anything about the pregnancy and feeling guilty once more for not telling him. The rest of his words though, they wreck me. I just can't believe we're having this conversation here in a store of all places.

As much as I want to immediately tell him yes, that I'll absolutely move in with him, I can't. I need to think it through, and I need him to be certain that this is what he wants. Telling him that
hurts
, especially when he looks at me like I've just broken his heart. I hurry to reassure him, "I want to live with you, Jeremy. I want us to be a family, I just need some time to get my head around everything. My whole life has changed in such a short time...it's hard to wrap my head around."

My explanation doesn't help at all, his disappointment clear. It almost makes me take it back, but I know I can't. "Fine," he says in a defeated voice. "Let's look around, get an idea of what we'll need when he gets here." He walks away from me, and I feel like we're further apart than we've ever been right now. I follow along behind him, barely noticing any of the things the clerk he finds points out, worrying that I've just ruined any chance we had to move forward.