Everything is Changed (10 page)

My phone beeps. It's Tone. L8r.

I shove my phone back in my pocket. I'm still not sure why Tone has decided to include me in his very wide circle of friends. It's not like he needs another one. But as much as he's a complete dick, and I definitely wouldn't have wanted anything to do with him if Jake and I still hung out, I sort of like how stupid he is. He doesn't think about consequences because he knows his dad will bail him out of everything. He just is who he is without pretence and without games. He's like Jake in that way, but with less bravado and a lot more money.

The kid across from me nods again as he presses the button at his stop. I nod back and think how like two middle-aged men we are, nodding to each other just because we recognise the uniform. Dad would approve.

jake

The air is so still. There's no breeze at all. It's probably stupid but I have to go, even if he tells me to leave as soon as I get there. I messaged Ellie and she sent me the address. I told her I wanted to surprise him so I hope she doesn't say anything before I can get there. It's a house party, round the corner from his place. Ellie told me what stop to get off at so as long as the train doesn't take four hours, I should be there by 11.30 p.m.

Before, Alex and I would roam our streets on a Saturday night, looking for things to do. We never found much. Kicked cans through the park. Lay on the roundabout and talked about girls. Climbed a tree. But it feels different on my own. Like I'm a shadow passing through. Like if people looked out their windows they wouldn't notice me at all.

The closer I get to the station, the less I know why I'm here.

The carriage's almost empty. Some kid's scraping the glass on the window with a coin, marking his name. I look the other way. I haven't seen Alex for ages. Not since the funeral. It was like he decided that night to cut me off, and so he did. Twelve years of friendship. Gone.

The train pulls into Flinders Street Station. The platform is heaving. People are yelling and singing their team's theme song. I try to get off as they are getting on and for a second I think I'm stuck right here, in the doorway, in the push and pull. But then an old guy in a Hawks scarf and hat pulls two kids away from the door and says, ‘You're right, mate.'

I nod thanks and squeeze my way through the celebrating fans.

As I leave the station and walk out onto Flinders Street, the city feels electric. I don't come into town much on Saturday nights, especially not at this time, and it's almost frightening how many people are around. I weave through as fast as I can, head down, not catching anybody's eye. I'm counting on being almost invisible in my shadowy black. I have to wait for the tram. Number 75. It runs almost all the way to the party. A group of girls are laughing loudly just near me but I resist the urge to look at them. Finally, the tram pulls up and I slip on, down the back, and find a seat in a corner, just like at school. I'm practised at hiding.

I send Ellie a text just to make sure she's still there.

A second later, one comes back. Yep.

This was Ellie's idea. To reunite us. She's sure it will work. And I hope she's right. Thing is, I miss him.

The front door is open. The house is huge. There are people everywhere. Bursting out of rooms like the house can't hold them all. It's amazing the cops haven't been called because the noise is really loud. There's some bad Katy Perry song blaring and a bunch of girls are singing along and sort of holding each other up in the lounge room.

I walk through the house, scanning faces as I go, searching. There's a bunch of guys laughing and sculling beers and I wonder if they go to school with Alex. I decide I don't like them even though I've only seen them for about three seconds, which is stupid, I know, but they look so loose and light that I'm jealous. I haven't looked like that in forever.

A girl screams right near my ear and I spin round to see her chasing some guy down the hallway. I wonder how Ellie's coping with all this. It's not really her scene. As I reach the kitchen, hands grab me from behind and clamp across my eyes.

‘Finally!' I hear Ellie say. She lets go and I turn around to see her. I smile because she's wearing bright red shorts with striped leggings and a t-shirt and she looks nothing like anyone else here.

‘Can you believe the music?' she says, pulling a face.

‘What? You don't like Katy Perry?'

‘Groan,' she says with an eye roll. Ellie's into weird stuff, bands nobody our age has ever heard of.

‘So where's Alex?'

She nods towards the back of the house. ‘Out there with guys from school.'

I'm suddenly tempted to leave. She must see how I feel because she grabs my arm and tucks hers through mine. ‘Come on. They're not that bad. Well, except for Tone. He's a moron,' she says, laughing.

So I let Ellie pull me outside where there are fairy lights in all the trees. The backyard is almost the size of our school oval. I see Alex before he sees me. He's nearly a head taller than the other guys in the circle and he's smiling at something someone's saying. I stop walking and Ellie stops too. We stand a couple of metres away from them, watching. Then I see Alex look into the dark of the garden and notice us. His face changes in a beat and I know I shouldn't have come.

Ellie starts trying to pull me over to him, but Alex has stepped away from the group and is coming towards us.

‘Jake?' he says as he reaches us.

‘Yeah,' I say.

Ellie stands between us like she's brokering a peace deal. And maybe she is.

‘What are you doing here?'

At least he isn't swearing at me. That's something. Ellie slides her arm around his waist and pulls him closer. ‘I invited him.'

‘Why?'

She shrugs and smiles at me, trying to make it all okay. ‘Thought you two needed to hang out.'

Alex looks down at her and I try to read his expression. Ellie leans up to kiss him, but he moves away and her kiss hits the air. I can see the flash of panic in her face, like she doesn't know what's happening.

‘Alex, come on. It's a party. He's your friend. What's the big deal,' says Ellie, sounding pissed.

‘Bad idea. I'll go,' I say. But before I can, a guy even shorter than me walks up. He's in shorts and a pale blue polo shirt, which spins me out because nobody I know dresses like that.

‘And who's this, then?' he says. Alex looks at him and then at me and I see the trouble in his eyes, the fear of being found out, so I look his friend right in his eyes. ‘I'm nobody. And I'm going,' I say.

‘Hi, nobody. I'm Tone,' he says, holding out his hand for me to shake and pinning me with a look that's so sure, so slick. I can see why Ellie doesn't like him. I start to walk away, but Ellie grabs my arm again, tugging me back. And then Alex is on the other side of me. ‘Let's go, Jake,' he says and I walk with him, leaving Ellie in the garden. The two of us move through the house like ghosts until we're out on the street, out of the party, away.

I walk with him to the tram stop. I expect him to check the timetable, to see how long he has to put up with me, before I'm on my clickety-clackety way back to the suburbs. But he doesn't. He just leans up against a fence, looking too big to be there.

‘Ellie wants everyone to be happy,' he says finally, without looking up. ‘But it doesn't work like that …'

‘You've moved on. I get it.'

He looks up now and I see how dark his eyes are, how angry. ‘Fuck off, Jake. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.'

‘I'm not.'

‘Every time I see you I think about that night. And if I don't see you, then I can forget about it.'

‘Well, I can't forget about it. No matter what.'

He shrugs and walks closer, towering over me. It's never bothered me before, how much taller Alex is than me, but for some reason, tonight, out here, it does. ‘Did you put my name on some list at the funeral?'

I remember back. ‘Yeah. Just felt symbolic that you were there too.'

‘I got a thank-you note from his daughter. Thanks for that. Scared the shit out of me.'

‘Sorry, I didn't think …'

‘Yeah, you never do. But if Ellie asks, then we went to the funeral of my old girlfriend's dad. Okay?'

He starts to walk away from me but I grab his arm and try to pull him back, feeling like this is the last chance, this is it. If he goes now, then no matter what, we're split.

‘I just miss you. That's all,' I say, throwing it all out there.

He pulls his arm loose. ‘Sorry. I can't.'

I watch him walk back into the party, his stride changing, becoming longer, as he gets closer to the gate. And as he slips into the shiny, glittery house, I spin round and slam a punch right into the glass poster box at the end of the tram shelter, desperate to shatter the glass into millions of tiny shards. Instead I shatter my hand and it explodes with pain. I scream for an audience, for Alex, but he's long gone.

alex

The doorbell rings with three short buzzes, then three long, and then three short. It's Morse code. S.O.S. Ellie's idea of a joke, but she only does it when she knows my parents are out. I think she's just a little scared of my dad, which is weird because she's never scared of anyone.

I race down the stairs before Sass can get there first. Sass isn't supposed to open the door when Mum and Dad aren't home, but she always does if she knows Ellie's coming over. She loves her almost as much as I do.

I look up at Ellie rolling back and forth on her unicycle. ‘You rode here?'

She laughs and lets the unicycle fall forward so she can slide off and into me.

‘No. I caught the train. I'm not that good.'

I hold her face and she reaches up to hold mine and then on tiptoes, she presses her nose to mine and we stay like that for a second or two, just breathing each other in. Before I can move onto her lips, Sass is behind me, bouncing around like a puppy.

‘Ellie, I have something to show you … come on,' she says, reaching past me and grabbing Ellie's t-shirt with her hand.

Ellie looks up, right into my eyes. ‘Apparently I'm needed. Back soon.'

I smile and take the unicycle from her while Sass drags her inside and up the stairs. Instead of following them, I take the unicycle out onto the grass and rest on the seat. I place one foot on a pedal and then pushing off, I leap up, so I'm in the air. My other foot finds the second pedal and I start moving my feet back and forth like Ellie showed me. I try to find a rhythm, but after three seconds or maybe four, I can feel myself tipping forward and no matter what I do, I keep falling until I hit the ground. At least the grass is soft.

I have to carry the unicycle upstairs because Mum will freak if I leave it in the dining room or in the lounge. I know she likes Ellie, but I also know she thinks the whole circus thing is a bit weird. She always makes these pathetic jokes about how Ellie's running away to the circus. I've given up trying to explain it to her.

‘So what do you think, El?' I hear my sister ask.

‘I like the red one better.'

‘Really? Me too,' says Sass. It used to be me that she'd agree with about anything; now it's all been transferred to my girlfriend. I lie on my bed and wait because I know there's no point trying to drag Ellie away from the clutches of a twelve-year-old needing advice on which skirt to wear to the school disco. Sass is laughing and Ellie joins in and the sound makes me smile. Ellie's laugh is so infectious you can't help but react to it.

‘What are you smiling at?'

I look up at my girlfriend grinning from the door. Lucky? Much?

‘Nothing,' I say.

She closes the door as quietly as she can, knowing that if Sass hears it shut, she'll be knocking on the door in seconds.

‘How'd you escape?'

She climbs up onto my waist and lies down on top of me. ‘Just told her I needed to go to the toilet. Should buy us a few minutes.'

I find her mouth and nibble on her bottom lip. ‘Not sure that will be long enough.'

She slides her hand up under my t-shirt and I shiver. ‘Cold,' I say.

‘Hardly,' she says, sliding her hand down towards my shorts.

I reach up and kiss her mouth, feeling her tongue with mine. My heart's racing and I don't want to move in case she stops snaking her fingers down into my pants.

‘Ellie!' Sass bursts into the room and Ellie is up and off me in seconds. Embarrassed, I grab my pillow and drop it over my lower half.

‘Sorry, Sass, just had to kiss your brother hello,' she says.

‘Here. This is for you,' Sass says as she tosses an envelope. It flutters onto my bed. Ellie snatches it up before I can and turns it over, checking the back.

‘Nice handwriting. Who's Sarah Waterman?'

‘No idea,' I say, holding out my hand for the letter. Now I'm intrigued. Ellie holds it up high, grinning at me, like she's not going to give it back.

‘Come on, Ellie,' says Sass, trying to drag Ellie out of the room. As Ellie reaches the door, she throws the envelope down and blows me a kiss with a smile that will last me a little while.

‘You have ten minutes, Sass. Okay?' I yell into the empty air, wishing we could have the house to ourselves for the whole day and not just stolen moments.

I read the front of the envelope. It's addressed to my full name and, Ellie's right, the handwriting is perfect. I slide my thumb under the stuck-down bit and rip it open. Inside is a card with a colour photograph of a man laughing next to a pool. I don't recognise him at all, but there's something odd about it and I realise my hand has started to shake as I open the card. Then I see the words on the page, the perfectly sloped black letters, but my eyes are still refusing to focus. I can hear Sass laughing in the next room as words start slamming into my head.

Funeral. Peter. Thanks.

Peter. It's him. This smiling man is him.

My name is there. Alexander. They know it's me. They know about me. How? How can they know anything about me?

My door shuts gently and I jump at the noise.

‘I think I've done my duty,' says Ellie, walking to the bed and sliding her hand along my leg. Her touch makes me pull away and I try to slide the card back into the envelope before she sees. But my hand is shaking so wildly that she plucks it from my fingers before I can tuck it away.

‘Who's he?'

‘Nobody.' Even my voice sounds strange.

She starts to open the card and I snatch it away as fast as I can. And for that she gives me a strange look. ‘Whoa. What's up with you?'

‘Nothing.'

I shove the card into the envelope so roughly the side splits open and I jam the whole lot in my bedside table. Ellie's staring at me as I turn around. I need to get out of here but I can't leave her in the room with the envelope. What if she reads it?

‘Alex? You okay? You've gone all red,' she says.

I shrug and lean in for a kiss. I make it to her lips and the feel of them is enough to almost make me forget the card. She moves against me and we topple back onto the bed. And for a few seconds it seems all is forgotten.

Then, Ellie pushes against me and sits up. ‘You trying to distract me?'

‘No. I'm just kissing you.'

She grins and jumps up. ‘No secrets, Alex,' she says.

Then, before I can stop her, she heads for the bedside table, and just as she's about to reach it, I leap from the bed and slide my arms around her waist and spin her around so she's facing me. My heart is racing. I don't want Ellie reading that card but I have to play it cool or she'll suspect there's something going on and then she'll push even harder.

She laughs as she leans against me. Her stomach growls like it's giving me a way out.

‘Hungry? Let's go downstairs and I'll make us some pancakes.'

She pulls away and looks up. From her expression, I know I'm not going to get away with this.

‘You go downstairs and I'll stay here,' she grins.

‘Come on, Sass will be back in a minute, taking you away again.'

‘What are you hiding, Alex?' Her voice is light and cheeky.

I make myself laugh but the sound is false and hollow. Then I remember something my old drama teacher used to tell us. If you're creating a story, keep it simple and as close to the truth as possible.

‘Seriously, it's nothing. Just a letter from an old girlfriend,' I say quickly.

Then I pull the drawer open, grab the envelope and hand it to her. ‘Here.'

She reads the card aloud.

Dear Alexander,

Thank you for coming to Peter's funeral. It meant so much to us having so many friends and acquaintances present.

Sincerely,
Sarah Waterman

I'm standing. She's standing. The card separates us. She looks up and I see her face soften, how changed the expression is.

‘You went to the funeral of your old girlfriend's dad?'

I shrug, trying not to use words.

‘But why did you pretend not to know who Sarah Waterman was?'

I shrug lightly. ‘Just didn't want to get into it, I guess.'

‘Why didn't you just say?'

‘I don't know. It was a sudden death and he was a good man. I guess I was sad about it,' I say, realising how true it is.

‘Was that the same funeral Jake went to?'

‘Yeah,' I say, suddenly understanding he's the reason this card arrived. He must've put my name in the guestbook.

‘No wonder you've been a bit weird. You should have just told me.'

‘Yeah. Sorry.'

And then she's there. Her arms around me. Her lips on mine. Her hands grabbing my back, my skin, my arse. And Peter Waterman is dead and buried. And there's nothing anybody can do.