Everything You Need (11 page)

She faced him. “What do you want from me?”

He rubbed his neck and a crease cut between his eyebrows as he stared at her.

“What do you want from me?” she repeated.

The wrinkle on his forehead deepened. He stood up.

“Ashton?”

He shook his head.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Oh, never mind.” Her red sweater hung over the table, she picked it up and pulled it on before she stood and walked to the coat tree by the door. She grabbed her coat.

“You are not leaving, are you?”

She heard him move and when she turned, he was standing beside her.

“You still have an hour.”

She sighed. “Yes, I do, but I don’t see any point in staying.”

“That’s what you do, don’t you?”

She gazed up at him, her eyebrows pinched together. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Run away. Whenever there’s something not to your liking or you don’t know how to deal with the situation, you run away.”

“That’s not true.”

He tugged her closer, until her chest touched his, and wrapped his arm around her waist. “You are trying to run away now.”

She didn’t try to wiggle out of his embrace. “I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.” He gave her a small smile and then his mouth descended on hers. It was light and soft, the kiss, such a gentle exploration of his tongue, as intense as all of his kisses, but at the same time so different.

Her fingers clutched the fabric of his shirt and she pushed herself onto her toes to be closer to him. He was right, she was running; but not because she didn’t know how to deal with the situation, but because she refused to deal with it -- to deal with him. She was special to him, she was very well aware of that, but her being special didn’t have anything with who she was; it was a result of her resemblance to somebody else. Which she always had to keep in her mind. It wasn’t her that he wanted.

With a small peck, he ended the kiss and, still holding onto her, his forehead touched hers. “You know, when you asked me what I want from you?”

“Yes.”

“It’ everything, I want everything.”

And yet, you aren’t willing to offer anything in return
, she thought. She slipped out of the hold of his arms. “I’m sorry, I can’t give you anything beyond what we already have.”

Chapter 12

I want everything.
Ashton leaned his chin on the bar and with both hands holding a beer bottle, he pressed the cool glass against his forehead. So stupid. He had been so stupid to say that to Kris, when she wasn’t even willing to share where she worked with him or where she lived. The only connection he had with her was her phone number.

“What happened to you?” Kalen’s hand slapped his back.

“I have become as pathetic as you once were.” Ashton released the beer bottle.

“Since when?”

“Since yesterday. Or was it the day before yesterday?” Ashton buried his face in his hands for a moment then straightened and faced his friend. It was Thursday and he and Kalen were at The Yellow for their customary post-workout drink.

“As if you could be so precise.”

“Of course not.” Ashton rubbed his neck. “Hey, how did you know that Rose was the one?”

A strange kind of look appeared in Kalen’s eyes; it was slightly sad. “I couldn’t imagine life without her.”

After a few weeks, he couldn’t imagine life without Kris. Ashton glanced at his friend. But he couldn’t imagine his life without Kalen either, and his best friend certainly wasn’t ‘the one.’ “Was that the only sign?”

“Why are you asking me that? You already had your ‘the one,’ you should know how it feels first-hand.”

“With Kate... She was the one who decided that we were meant to be.” Ashton’s mouth curved into a sad smile. “She was right, as usual.”

“Yeah. She was always right.”

“And so bossy,” Ashton said, then fell into telling an anecdote from their childhood. Remembering her didn’t hurt as much as it had. Time did heal everything, but the scars were still there and they were still sensitive. “So many years have passed and yet...”

“We all miss her.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you going to The Egoist later?”

“No.” Ashton shook his head.

“Mary told me you haven’t been there for a while.”

“I haven’t been anywhere for a while now.”

“Because of that girl?”

“Because of that girl.” Ashton took a sip of his beer.

“Who you think could be ‘the one’?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“No?”

Ashton sighed, put the beer on the bar and turned sideways so that he faced his friend. He hadn’t planned to share anything with Kalen, but the blond was his best friend; he had known him since kindergarten, and he and Ann were the only people whose opinion he trusted. “She looks like Kate.”

“Ah.” Kalen frowned. “So that’s why Mary’s so upset.”

“I’m surprised that she didn’t tell you. She said it’s unhealthy,” Ashton said. “Would you agree with her? That my relationship with Kris is unhealthy?”

“Is that her name, Kris?”

“Yes.”

“Kris, huh?”

“Yes.”

Kalen nodded and his fingers played with the bottle’s neck. “I don’t know. Are you with her because you think she can replace Kate?”

“I don’t think so, but...” Ashton sighed. “I feel like I’m falling in love with her, with her personality, but what if I’m falling for her only because she resembles Kate?” He glanced around at the people that sat at the tables by the wall, not seeing them. “That’s why I asked her to pose for me, because she looks like Kate, but now...” He rubbed his neck. “I want to try to date her, you know, to see if it would lead anywhere, but she doesn’t appear to be interested.”

“What if it doesn’t lead anywhere?”

“How do you even start to date?” It had been years since he had been on a date, and since Kate had been the one who had initiated their relationship, he had no idea how to go about dating somebody. “Should I just ask, ‘will you go on a date with me’?”

“I don’t know why not.”

“You are no help.”

“What do you want? Step-by-step instructions?”

“That would be nice.”

“I’ll ask Camden if he can draft up something for you.” Kalen smiled.

“Very funny.”

Kalen took a sip of his beer and when he put it down, the expression on his face was serious. “What would you do if dating doesn’t lead anywhere?”

“I don’t know.”

“One of you, if not both, could end up hurt.”

“Yes, we could. But that’s life, isn’t it? You get hurt and then you get over it. Or not.” After Kate’s death, he hadn’t dated, he’d only had sex with no strings attached; at first because he was afraid to get attached, and then later because no woman could measure up to Kate. “I have no intention of hurting her, though. Not that it matters -- I told you, she doesn’t appear to be interested.”

“You’re taking that quite well.”

It wasn’t as if he had given up.

Kalen tilted his head toward the table on their right. “There’s a girl who seems to be interested. She has been flashing smiles at you and you haven’t even noticed.”

“Yeah?” Ashton didn’t bother to glance at the girl.

“So it really is serious.”

“I said it was.” Ashton lifted the bottle, ready to drink from it, when he noticed that it was empty. He slipped off the stool and grabbed his jacket that hung over the back of the stool. “Shall we?”

“Where are you going? Home?” Kalen stood and pulled on his jacket.

“To the studio.”

“You spend a lot of time there.”

Ashton put on his black jacket. “I don’t want to be cooped up with my parents. Did you know that they decided to prolong their stay for another week?”

“I heard.”

And his mother, under the disillusion that he and Mary were a couple, had been inviting Mary to lunches and dinners. Whenever he dropped by, Mary was there. He had asked his mother to stop the invitations, and assured her that there was nothing going on between Mary and him, but it was like talking to air. “I had always planned to make a small apartment above the gallery, and now, with you and Rose being engaged, you’ll probably want to have the apartment to yourselves.” Since they had already paid for their drinks, Ashton directed his steps toward the stairs leading to the exit.

Kalen followed him. “I’m thinking of moving into her apartment, just until her lease runs out, then we plan to buy a small house in the suburbs.”

“Why doesn’t Rose move into our flat? It’s bigger.” Ashton climbed the stairs and pushed the door open. The cold air greeted him; he zipped up his jacket and pushed his hands into the pockets.

“I like Rose’s better, it’s warmer and much cosier than our bachelor den.”

A vibration shook the pocket of Ashton’s jeans. He took out his phone and glanced at the display. “It’s Bobby,” he told Kalen before he answered. Bobby was the man who had introduced him to bare-knuckle boxing.

“Where are you, man?” Bobby’s deep voice greeted him, then without waiting on Ashton’s reply, he continued, “I have something coming up next week and I have a spot open. Are you in?”

“You aren’t thinking of fighting, are you?” Kalen glared at him.

“No, I’m sorry,” Ashton said to Bobby.

“You’d be doing me a favour.”

“I’m sorry, Bobby, but I really can’t.”

“Oh, man. If you change your mind, call me, okay?”

“Okay.” Ashton hung up and pocketed his phone.

“I can’t believe he still calls you.”

Ashton shrugged. “You know how it is. Whenever he’s short of fighters, he tries his luck.”

“I’m glad you stopped.” Kalen started to walk toward the parking lot where they had left the car, two streets away.

Ashton fell into step with Kalen. He hadn’t officially stopped fighting; he had never told Bobby to stop calling him, but he hadn’t accepted any of Bobby’s offers for a while now, since he didn’t have a need to feel physical pain anymore

Kalen’s glanced at him. “Or have you been fighting behind my back?”

“As if I would need to go behind your back -- behind anybody’s back.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Ashton rolled his eyes and pointed at his face. “Do you see any bruises?”

#

With his arms akimbo, Ashton admired the tall, wide bookcase with a desk in the middle of it, the latest addition to the studio’s furniture. It was fine furniture, made out of pine wood, the same as his other furniture, and it went well with the counters with which it shared the wall. He stepped closer, reached over and beyond the desk, his fingers wrapped around the handle that was just under the upper shelf. He pulled the wooden wall down to expose the mattress. It was a desk bed. He sat and bounced on it. It appeared to be sturdy enough.

A knock on the door.

Was she here already? A smile bloomed on his face. He jumped up, closed the wall and yelled, “It’s open, come in.”

The door opened and a brunette walked through it.

The smile vanished from Ashton’s face. “Hey, Mary.”

“Hi. Your mother asked me to give you this.” She lifted the duffel bag she had in her hand and offered it to him. “It’s your clean clothes.”

“I told her not to bother, that I would wash them myself the next time I’m there.” Ashton took the bag, crossed the room and put it on the counter by the window. “Aren’t you working?”

“I have a day off.” Mary looked around. “You’ve been decorating.”

“Yeah.”

“Vera said that you spend all of your nights here.” With her fingers she trailed the edge of the counters until she came to the desk before she walked toward the window.

So she and his mother were now on a first-name basis. “Yes.”

“With her?”

It was none of her business, but he answered her anyway, “No.”

She nodded, looking pleased with his answer.

He moved to the sofa and sat on the arm, facing the window and Mary. He crossed his arms. Kris was going to walk though the door of the studio in about fifteen minutes or so, and he didn’t want her and Mary to meet again. “What can I do for you?”

She walked to him, her hands on her hips. “Is that how you greet an old friend?”

“You know I love you, right?” His hand went to the back of his neck. “Just not that way. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve already told me that.” Her hands touched his shoulder and she stepped as close to him as she could and leaned over him. “I don’t need your love.”

“Oh, Mary, don’t do this.”

“Why couldn’t we be together?” Her fingers tiptoed across his shoulders inward. “You could be with whoever you want, I don’t mind sharing you.”

He sighed, stood up and took hold of her hands. He pressed a kiss first on her right hand and then on her left. “But I would mind it.”

“Because I’m in love with you?”

“Yes.” He released her.

“It doesn’t mean anything.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him.

“It does for you.”

“You said that you love me.”

“I do --”

She covered his mouth with her hand, preventing him from saying ‘but only as a friend.’ What was she trying to do? He stared at her, waiting for her next move. Would she try to kiss him? She didn’t. “I don’t mind sharing you,” she repeated, with her hand still against his mouth. “I don’t mind if you're with that girl.”

He pushed her hand away. “You don’t mind?” There was nothing for her to mind.

“It’s okay.” She smiled.

“What are you trying to do?” He slipped out of the embrace of her arms. “You can’t change my mind, Mary. You know me well enough to know that no matter what you would do or say, I won’t ever see you as anything more than a friend.”

“I know.” She shifted backwards until the she bumped against the counter. She leaned on it.

“Then what was that all about?”

She shrugged, giving him a small, placating smile. “I had to try, didn’t I?”

He could understand that. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She straightened. “Just don’t avoid me. You don’t want me to be your lover anymore, fine, but at least allow me to be your friend.”

“You’ll always be my friend.”

“Glad to hear it.” She smoothed her brown shoulder-length hair and gave him another smile before she said goodbye to him and left.

After the door closed behind her, he checked his phone for the time. It was twenty minutes past nine, ten minutes before Kris’s arrival.

Ten minutes passed and then another ten and Kris hadn’t arrived. Where was she?

He went into the gallery and found Claudia at the second display window, in conversation with one of her new finds, a young woman who created sculptures from car parts. As soon as he had Claudia’s attention he asked, “Have you seen Kris?”

“Isn’t she up there?”

“So you have seen her?”

“Isn’t she up there?”

“No.”

“Then I guess I didn’t see her.”

He raised his eyebrows and he would have enquired how she could not know if she had seen Kris or not, when a vibration shook his pocket and he pulled his phone out. He had a message from Kris.
I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it.